disempowered after harassment!

[iarlaitha]

hi it has taken me a very long time to talk about this: I would be grateful for your help with respect to how to get my power back.

a few years ago I split from my partner and a male friend I work with, who had been very supportive of me (I thought), had even encouraged me to leave my unhealthy relationship. I was a total mess, then about a week later he pounced, told me that he wanted a relationship with me, and carried on convincing me for about 6 months - I was so silly as to get together with him and as soon as we did, he sort of went "gotcha" and used every opportunity to be unpleasant to me in front of work colleagues. I was mortally embarrassed and quite heart broken - and felt stupid.

Though it is a long time ago, I am still very uncomfortable around him and feel incredibly embarrassed, and i try to avoid being in areas of the workplace he might be in and that has affected my work - and he still tries to find information out about me from friends etc. who don't realise the damage they do by giving him information (he would often turn up to where i was meeting people to loom over me and be intimidating - he went through a phase of trying to grope me but i got him to stop it). he calls and hangs up, to see if i have the same number.

I left networking sites because of it but that means I have lost contact with real friends. It is time that I went back onto these I think, and I think I have to delete him from my friends list (regardless of what people might ask me about that) - and also I am thinking of changing my mobile number - but that might mean that those with my old number won't be able to contact me in the future if I can't track them all down - and again I would be altering my behavior cuz of him!

Could anyone give advice on how to feel less vulnerable and embarrassed about all this? how can i claim my power back from him? i can't seem to heal and i feel really ridiculous; it is affecting my ability to get on with new projects and more hopeful things!

Iarlaitha

[BamBam]

next time hes walking by you just say

"....you walk gay."

then keep walking. trust me, it will work.

[Joely]

Hello Iarlaitha,

(That's a beautiful name by the way.)

It can be incredibly difficult dealing with a bully, especially one who has picked an opportunity when you're at your most vulnerable. Yet the only reason he has your power is because you still feel scared of him. Let go of that fear, and he'll no longer be able to affect you. People like him take advantage of others because they feel weak and vulnerable inside. You can bet that he's probably, deep down inside, a much more frightened and timid little person than you, even. He just uses manipulation to make himself stronger. The trick is that once you see through his game, he can have no effect on you anymore. Suddenly, he'll seem comical - he's just a man who feels deeply afraid inside, and he won't even admit it to himself, and he tries to make other people afraid so he can feel strong. And when you are able to see him this way, and walk tall, your work colleagues and everybody else will see him for what he is. The games won't work anymore.

I hope that helps,

J x

[iarlaitha]

BamBam that is hilarious (if only I had the guts to do that). Seriously I think that ridiculing him is a very good idea indeed (also because I have a strong sense of humour and that would neutralise my anxiety).

Thank you Joely for your advice: it is true that I am feeling very unconfident around him - and I sort of fall into the pattern he is hoping for - so anything to get the control back is a good idea!

all suggestions greatly appreciated!

Iarlaitha