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03-13-2008, 09:15 PM
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 difference between intimacy and dependency i've wanted a relationship so bad, and now i have one. except i'm finding out that what i want and what she wants is quite different. she likes me because of my intellect and the ideas i've shared with her so far. i wanted her because i thought i could experience emotional intimacy. to her, she's perfectly happy with the level of emotional intimacy that we have. to me, i feel we're veeeeery distant in that area. i've read alot about what new age people would consider a happy soulmate relationship. they say that you have to be independent, that only you can make yourself happy. just an overall big emphasis on independence. but now i'm confused, cause what i want is intimacy, closeness, a merging of our emotions, i guess a sort of dependency that makes us one. i'm confused, is what i want considered spiritually immature and bad because i desire to bond with my significant other?      |
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03-13-2008, 11:20 PM
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| Ponder the difference between dependence and interdependence. You want the latter. I don't think that being emotionally close and intimate inherently implies unhealthy dependence. If you crave it 24/7 to the point that it doesn't allow your partner any freedom or space, then it's too much of a good thing. If you crave it as reassurance that the relationship is "okay", that is not a good thing. Have you discussed with your partner what she is feeling? What from your POV is the disconnect between what she SAYS she feels and how she ACTS? Examples please. Also, does she in any way think you are being clingy? If so, how, exactly? Also ... would you classify yourself as an introvert or an extrovert? Your partner? If you're both the same type, which of you is MORE that type than the other? --Bob |
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03-13-2008, 11:54 PM
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| i crave it, but would also want her to have her freedom if she desires. it would be great if she desires the same level of it as i do. i've discussed little about this. basically what she says is how she acts, and that's my point of view. but we both are aware that this is the beginning of our relationship and there's still many things to be formed. i cant think of any examples, and she has not given me any impression that she see's me as clingy. i classify myself as an generally introverted, but kinda extroverted when it comes to my close friends. as for her, i think she is extroverted in that she is very stimulated by talking to unusual and interesting people, but also likes time to herself to do other things. |
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03-13-2008, 11:59 PM
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| Sonicpunk, what would it look like, specifically, if you had what you want in this relationship? What you describe: intimacy, closeness, merging of emotions (?) mean vastly different things to different people. What would actually be happening in your relationship that's not happening now? What would she be doing or saying or thinking or being, if you had what you want? |
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03-14-2008, 12:43 AM
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| eh, i cant really describe it to words right now. |
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03-14-2008, 12:49 AM
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I think this is a common unfulfilled yearning: "I want something, but I'm not sure exactly what -- I'll know it when I feel it." It's a very romantic notion, but it doesn't work so well in real-life relationships. You don't need to articulate what you want to me. But it would sure help her relate to you if you could articulate it to her. Most importantly, it would help you get what you want. |
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03-14-2008, 01:02 AM
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| i've told her what i want, mostly. but now that you've questioned me directly on what i want. i mean i never gave it much thought that everyone would have a different view on what intimacy is. so i feel sort of ridiculous describing my view on what intimacy is. |
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03-14-2008, 01:13 AM
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| I was in a seminar once with 100 other people, and we were asked to name everything that is true for everyone about sex and intimacy. We could not come up with even one thing that was true for everyone in that room -- or even that was true for all men OR all women. Each person stood up and described what intimacy was, and all of us were astonished to hear the sheer variety of what the others had to say! For me, intimacy means: listening generously to each other, so that I get what he's saying to me, the way he wants to have me get it, and vice-versa. That takes some effort, but it really makes us feel close (Danger Man and me, I mean.) It also means generating love in every single conversation, and THAT means accepting him exactly as he is and exactly as he is not; it means letting go when I find myself (or he finds me  ) holding onto something that is not having us be in love -- like resentment or jealousy or control. And again, vice-versa. It means listening without judgement, and without anticipating what he is going to say, and not thinking about how I'm going to respond while he's talking. Phew! Intimacy is not easy, but it is the most rewarding thing I've ever been involved in. Does that sound ridiculous? |
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03-14-2008, 01:23 AM
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Thank you! |
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03-14-2008, 01:32 AM
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| well alright, let me try to explain what i'd like in an intimate relationship. we would share pretty much everything together. if she was feeling happy, she'd tell me, if she was feeling sad, she'd tell me. she'd tell me how her day went, the thoughts she had, how it made her feel. she'd tell me her opinions on things. we'd mix and match our thoughts seeing where we're the same, where we are different. if i was feeling sad, she would comfort me, maybe lend me a shoulder to cry on, and i'd do the same for her. if we were to go through tough times, we would stick together, and help each other out in which way we could. if we were to fight, we would always talk it out, not being afraid to expose our weakneses to each other. help each other maybe try to turn those weaknesses into strengths and if not then at least respect our weaknesses. i mean, just a basic open flow of give and receive, except everytime it brings us closer. closer in the fact that i can immerse myself into her physical emotional and mental world as she would enjoy doing the same. i think i read somewhere that this type of thing is called co-dependency? |
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03-14-2008, 01:34 AM
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| i guess the next thing for me to do is to talk to her on what exactly intimacy means, and then see how we can compromise and see if we can meet each other's needs. |
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03-14-2008, 01:36 AM
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| How much of that are you NOT getting? How much of it are you not generating yourself? Is it possible for you to talk to her and make requests about it? (without being complainy, I mean -- that would not go over well.) It doesn't sound like anything a woman would mind hearing, except we don't want to necessarily talk about everything we're feeling. There's value in simply being present to feelings without talking them all out. I know, that sounds ironic coming from me, doesn't it!  |
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03-14-2008, 01:44 AM
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| how much of that am i not getting? about 70%. how much of it am i not giving? well let's just say that i'm more than willing to give out everything i've mentioned so far. everytime i tried talking to her about this, well, let's just say she isnt the one coming to me making demands. so i guess she's very comfortable with the way things are now. heck i'm the one who initiated the relationship with her in the first place. ah yes, i guess it wouldnt be nice to *talk* about every feeling. i guess just being there and non-verbally experiencing the feeling with her, like a telepathic "knowing" would also be just great. also, she's mentioned that there are things she's saving untill later in the relationship. she hasnt said what they are, though. Last edited by sonicpunk32 : 03-14-2008 at 01:47 AM. |
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03-14-2008, 01:56 AM
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lol |
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03-14-2008, 03:39 AM
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Like Angela says, you both need to talk the daylights out of this. Do it while it's a small problem. If you're not getting 70% of the subjective sense of intimacy you want from the relationship, that's not a sustainable relationship. for you It doesn't mean that it's necessarily going to be a big deal to remedy it -- it may be some very small adjustment -- but you need to deal with it now, before frustration and resentment sets in. If your partner is more extroverted than you, and doesn't seem to be telegraphing "leave me alone already" signals to you, then it seems likely that she's getting whatever personal space she needs, so hopefully you just need to talk out what kinds of actions and attitudes on her part would make you feel more connected. And hopefully she can do those things without it costing her too much. Be careful how you phrase it -- don't complain or blame, just say you want to enhance the relationship and make it he best it can be for you both -- should be music to any woman's ears. Don't say you don't feel connected -- say you want to feel even more connected. Let us know how it goes! --Bob |
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03-14-2008, 04:06 AM
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| i think she's more masculine and i'm more feminine in comparison to each other. that fact creeps her out a bit. |
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03-15-2008, 04:17 AM
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My wife had a rather different "love language" than me; she was for the most part much more concerned with respect and attentiveness than with my little endearments and sweet nothings. She was a Type A, action-oriented person; I'm a Type B, verbally-oriented person. She was driven, I was laid back. We were looking for different cues and markers in our little dance together. If I did concrete things (usually things I wouldn't personally give a fig about, but which were a Big Deal to her) to make her feel valued and respected, then she turned into a puddle (or on a few memorable occasions, a tigress). In other words I could get the validation I was looking for, but only after a rather meaningless (to me) preamble. Without that she was...for lack of a better word ... business-like. You might consider whether your partner has a rather different set of expectations than you. If so, and if those expectations are not unrealistic or warped, but just different, then you'll have to adapt to them (and hopefully to an equal extent, she'll have to adapt to you) in order for it to work. This isn't news of course, it's how any relationship works, but one hopes that the amount of compromise required of both partners is not excessive. As an aside, it helps sometimes with any woman to ponder what kinds of men were influential in her life during her formative years. My wife's father abandoned the family when she was 11, and her mother wigged out over that and effectively switched roles with Linda. Her grandfather was kind of a disorganized, simple-minded, sweet-tempered, useless guy who was always broke. So ... she was always the "man of the family" and was kind of pissed about it. Since I'm easy going and conflict-adverse, and she was a force of nature, I tended to let her fight her own battles; she was perfectly capable after all -- until I figured out that, hey, she really wanted me to go to bat for her anyway. Relationships are ... educational. But I suspect you're finding that out ;-) --Bob Last edited by SonoranBob : 03-15-2008 at 08:53 PM. |
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03-17-2008, 08:25 PM
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That is absolutely beautiful and spot on. That is exactly how I would describe my intimacy with my husband. I know he feels it similar to me as well, because we talk about it. Yes, at times it isn't easy at all, but yes, so very rewarding. I couldn't have put it in the most beautiful of terms myself. Thank you! Last edited by ladybug : 03-17-2008 at 08:35 PM. |
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03-17-2008, 09:39 PM
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| Sonicpunk, you are not trying to be controlling, are you? It sounds to me like you are trying to find your identity through another person. If guy came to me with things you described I would probably freak out. But possibly it's my personal problem. |
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03-17-2008, 10:39 PM
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i already know my identity, i just want to and desire to bond with my girlfriend. |
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03-18-2008, 08:08 AM
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we're different in many areas, but there seems to be some compromise. i've managed to talk to her alot about us and i think we're making *some* progress in understanding each other. she likes to analyze while i like to feel. and she likes challenges. she has made a sort of challenge of getting to know me, i made a weird deal with her. she doesnt want me to teach her how to relate to me. she wants to guess what my emotional needs are on her own, just by me expressing that i'm feeling a certain way, but i shouldnt EXPLAIN why. she wants to figure it all out on her own. weird...  |