difference between intimacy and dependency

[SmartAlx]

Dude, I am sooo with you on this. I am so sick and tired of this new idea. And I really believe that it's not even natural. Honestly. And it doesn't work. The thing that really gets me is the same girl will act as if she doesn't need the emotional intimacy. Then she gets into a relationship with (another) guy and they are glued together. People do need emotional intimacy. Once they experience it with someone they NEED, their eyes open up and they love it. The only people that say you don't need it or you should be independent haven't felt it before, or they have felt it and got hurt.

The problem I'm sorry to tell you is that it seems that you don't fulfill her emotional needs. She should look to you to fulfill them, since you are her number one. You are her number one, right? If you aren't, then something is wrong. If she looks anywhere else to fulfill the majority of her emotional needs, then her priorities aren't straight.

Your relationship seems to be a classic introvert/extrovert pairing. She looks for a high quantity of relationships. You look for quality relationships. She likes variety. I don't know how people that look for lots of various relationships can ever settle for a single person. It just doesn't make sense to me.

Ask yourself these questions: "Does she take her relationships for granted?" "Does she spread herself too thin" meaning, does she have a hard time maintaining so many relationships? People who don't prioritize their important relationships end up with a lot of mediocre ones. I'm finding that today, especially among the young (early 20s) girls, that this is an epidemic. My solution is to look for older more mature girls.


[EDIT] Sorry, I was so eager to post I just skimmed the replies. I had more than one girlfriend like yours. Again though, as I indicated, even though she was cold towards me, she was warm and extremely emotionally intimate with other guys. The problem apparently was me, not her.

I'm glad this new girl entered your life again. Good luck and God Bless on your new relationship. You are dumping the distant one for the close one, right?

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

People do need emotional intimacy. Once they experience it with someone they NEED, their eyes open up and they love it. The only people that say you don't need it or you should be independent haven't felt it before, or they have felt it and got hurt.

I agree with you 100% here. People who claim to be anti-codependency are people who believe that love doesnt exist or who have been hurt so badly by the wrong relationships. I believe in mutual dependency, and I believe it's a beautiful thing.

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

I had more than one girlfriend like yours. Again though, as I indicated, even though she was cold towards me, she was warm and extremely emotionally intimate with other guys. The problem apparently was me, not her.

This being her first relationship, she's not really used to caring about other people's feelings except her own. She currently has the hots for another guy, but treats him quite shallow. Me and her are still the best of friends, and recently, she's had a breakthrough in some revelations. One being, she's beginning to realize how selfish and inconsiderate she is towards others. I had to show her nature. She's never been intimate with anyone, and doesnt know how to. She has a weird ability, well I dont know what else to call it, but she deals with her emotions, not by expressing them, but buy forgetting them. Like the time I broke up with her, she "destroyed" her feelings for me in a couple days. Came back with complete neutrality towards me, not a tear in sight. Dunno how she does that, heh. My point is, she never, ever shared her feelings with me, except in a psycho analysis mode, like as if were talking about the past in an indirect way. Either she's emotionally surpressed, or extremely tough, or both, either way, ultimately, I suspect she's just immature about this one area of life. I also think that it's not really in her nature to be emotionally intimate.

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

I'm glad this new girl entered your life again. Good luck and God Bless on your new relationship. You are dumping the distant one for the close one, right?

Yes, that is what I'm doing. But still remaining the best of friends with her. I teach her how to be considerate of other people and less self centered.