almost 30 and single for almost 30 years

[tomyart]

Hey All,

I don't really know why im posting this I just really need to vent and have no one to talk to about this.

I am a 29 year old (30 in August) gay man and I have NEVER had a boyfriend, I mean I have NEVER even been on a date. I have had sex with a few guys but that was just like during my teen years, kind of a growing up thing. I am overweight and I know that that is a big part of my problem, but I searously dont understand it, I have so many friends, I seem to be everyone's "best friend" . I have had guys tell me that I would make a wonderful boyfriend and that I am the sweetest most caring person that they have ever met but even if they are single and looking, I just am not thier type. Can anyone give me advise on how to deal with this loneliness and pain. I have taken all the steps that anyone can recommend. I thought that I was over this and that I had finally accepted the fact that love isn't going to happen for me, but I guess I really am not over it after all. How can I move on? What can I do? Can anyone help, or even maybe just talk to me about your experiences, help me know that im not alone in this. Thanks

[sheffy4]

Originally Posted by tomyart

I am overweight and I know that that is a big part of my problem, but I searously dont understand it, I have so many friends...
I seem to be everyone's "best friend"....
I have taken all the steps that anyone can recommend. Thanks

Have you really taken all the steps? It sounds like you haven't taken the most obvious. Check out Steve's blog for today, he just wrote an article on Direct Solutions that I think you may benefit from.

From your post, I would say that you probably need more confidence, especially sexual confidence. Confidence attracts people, and it's one of the sexiest qualities a person can have. I would say you need to start exercising TODAY. Do something that takes you in that direction. After a year of disciplined exercising, not only will you have a hot body which will catch guys' attention, but you will also have confidence because you know you look good. The confidence will be what gets you the guy.

As for being everyone's "best friend," I would say this goes along with having sexual confidence, and being a sexual person. Something you are doing is making everyone think that you are not up for a sexual relationship, just friendship. I'm not saying to act inappropriate, but just to let your sexual energy come out and affect people around you. Let them know that you have something to offer them in bed. Are you a good lover? Or if you lack experience, are you an enthusiastic learner? Once again, confidence is key.

[Rockchick26]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation! I can kind of relate,i'm 35 and have been single for 33 of those years. But let me tell you,it isn't because of your weight,because i am 110 pounds and i don't have guys beating down my door. Besides,you have had sex before so obviously you are able to attract someone sexually. But it can't hurt to lose weight,but still remember; you are still worthy of love no matter what you look like.

Do you put yourself out there,go out a lot where people are? I hope you're not coming off as desperate...people have told me i am when i didnt even see it,and that might be why you are unconsciously driving people away from you. The whole law of attraction thing. Focus on being happy and loving yourself first!

[TomSprewer]

Tom,

If anything, I would recommend checking out the online dating services. You can find plenty of great people who are also looking for partners, friends, and a person to love.

You're probably thinking that online dating is cheesy but it may get you to meet some very interesting people, so give it a try

All the best,

-Tom

[fourthdan]

I am going through something similar - where I am examining and dealing with repressed fears and issues relating to this. While a direct approach is great for the outside, you may also have some cleaning up to do on the inside.

That pain of lonliness you are facing should not be there. Target that too. Ideally you should be happy to be on your own, living your life, doing great things, achieving, socialising, etc. If you feel pain it is not because you are single. What I have found in my own experience with similar issues, is that being single, or having less sex - is ok when not in contrast and compared to other people. You are comparing yourself to the average person who has someone and is having a lot of sex, and thus making yourself feel like crap.
Deeper rooted feelings of low self esteem / self worth could be behind it. The weight and the forced abstinence are just triggers. You can probably come up with outside solutions like losing weight and finding someone, and they may succeed to some extent to temporarily satisfy your ego. However the root problem will continue to exist and it'll only be a matter of time before you find another excuse to feel crap about yourself. It may never be direct - for example, you may find someone and then feel that the person doesn't love you as much as you love them - all the while this feeling caused by a deeper issue of "i am not worthy of his efforts and feelings"

this may be a shot in the dark, but as I said, this is what I have experienced and somehow I have seen that a lot of people carry some level of inferiority complex that is the root of the pain. Target this. And as Steve and a lot of people say - As within, so without. Your external circumstances will be a lot more malleable, not to mention not as impacting as it is now on your emotion.

(Solving your inner problems would also help you to remain positive in your emotions, which could help attracting the right man for you - if you believe in LoA)

good luck.

[fourthdan]

I am going through something similar - where I am examining and dealing with repressed fears and issues relating to this. While a direct approach is great for the outside, you may also have some cleaning up to do on the inside.

That pain of lonliness you are facing should not be there. Target that too. Ideally you should be happy to be on your own, living your life, doing great things, achieving, socialising, etc. If you feel pain it is not because you are single. What I have found in my own experience with similar issues, is that being single, or having less sex - is ok when not in contrast and compared to other people. You are comparing yourself to the average person who has someone and is having a lot of sex, and thus making yourself feel like crap.
Deeper rooted feelings of low self esteem / self worth could be behind it. The weight and the forced abstinence are just triggers. You can probably come up with outside solutions like losing weight and finding someone, and they may succeed to some extent to temporarily satisfy your ego. However the root problem will continue to exist and it'll only be a matter of time before you find another excuse to feel crap about yourself. It may never be direct - for example, you may find someone and then feel that the person doesn't love you as much as you love them - all the while this feeling caused by a deeper issue of "i am not worthy of his efforts and feelings"

this may be a shot in the dark, but as I said, this is what I have experienced and somehow I have seen that a lot of people carry some level of inferiority complex that is the root of the pain. Target this. And as Steve and a lot of people say - As within, so without. Your external circumstances will be a lot more malleable, not to mention not as impacting as it is now on your emotion.

(Solving your inner problems would also help you to remain positive in your emotions, which could help attracting the right man for you - if you believe in LoA)

good luck.

[fourthdan]

I am going through something similar - where I am examining and dealing with repressed fears and issues relating to this. While a direct approach is great for the outside, you may also have some cleaning up to do on the inside.

That pain of lonliness you are facing should not be there. Target that too. Ideally you should be happy to be on your own, living your life, doing great things, achieving, socialising, etc. If you feel pain it is not because you are single. What I have found in my own experience with similar issues, is that being single, or having less sex - is ok when not in contrast and compared to other people. You are comparing yourself to the average person who has someone and is having a lot of sex, and thus making yourself feel like crap.
Deeper rooted feelings of low self esteem / self worth could be behind it. The weight and the forced abstinence are just triggers. You can probably come up with outside solutions like losing weight and finding someone, and they may succeed to some extent to temporarily satisfy your ego. However the root problem will continue to exist and it'll only be a matter of time before you find another excuse to feel crap about yourself. It may never be direct - for example, you may find someone and then feel that the person doesn't love you as much as you love them - all the while this feeling caused by a deeper issue of "i am not worthy of his efforts and feelings"

this may be a shot in the dark, but as I said, this is what I have experienced and somehow I have seen that a lot of people carry some level of inferiority complex that is the root of the pain. Target this. And as Steve and a lot of people say - As within, so without. Your external circumstances will be a lot more malleable, not to mention not as impacting as it is now on your emotion.

(Solving your inner problems would also help you to remain positive in your emotions, which could help attracting the right man for you - if you believe in LoA)

good luck.

[fourthdan]

I am going through something similar - where I am examining and dealing with repressed fears and issues relating to this. While a direct approach is great for the outside, you may also have some cleaning up to do on the inside.

That pain of lonliness you are facing should not be there. Target that too. Ideally you should be happy to be on your own, living your life, doing great things, achieving, socialising, etc. If you feel pain it is not because you are single. What I have found in my own experience with similar issues, is that being single, or having less sex - is ok when not in contrast and compared to other people. You are comparing yourself to the average person who has someone and is having a lot of sex, and thus making yourself feel like crap.
Deeper rooted feelings of low self esteem / self worth could be behind it. The weight and the forced abstinence are just triggers. You can probably come up with outside solutions like losing weight and finding someone, and they may succeed to some extent to temporarily satisfy your ego. However the root problem will continue to exist and it'll only be a matter of time before you find another excuse to feel crap about yourself. It may never be direct - for example, you may find someone and then feel that the person doesn't love you as much as you love them - all the while this feeling caused by a deeper issue of "i am not worthy of his efforts and feelings"

this may be a shot in the dark, but as I said, this is what I have experienced and somehow I have seen that a lot of people carry some level of inferiority complex that is the root of the pain. Target this. And as Steve and a lot of people say - As within, so without. Your external circumstances will be a lot more malleable, not to mention not as impacting as it is now on your emotion.

(Solving your inner problems would also help you to remain positive in your emotions, which could help attracting the right man for you - if you believe in LoA)

good luck.

[sheffy4]

Um, is there a reason you posted the same thing 4 times? lol

[SunnKali]

sheffy - there were major troubles with the servers last night. I guess mod's haven't taken care of the duplicate posts yet. A post I was trying to get on would have done the same thing except the server just wouldn't let me submit.

[Rapid]

It can be lonesome to start and maintain an exercise program. I would recommend joining the Sierra Club. They have hikes almost every week. You get great exercise, meet new people, and experience nature.

[Erki]

Originally Posted by sheffy4

Um, is there a reason you posted the same thing 4 times? lol

Just look at his user name.

[Louise Gilbert]

Dear Tomyart,

If you feel that you've done everything you can, this tells me that you are tired of trying to work out why, trying every technque in the book, probably done everything you possibly can, and still feel that you're getting no-where. You're probably tired, and afraid that you are going to be alone.

It sounds like to me that you are going through an experience that is designed for you to emerge at a deeper level. You are restling with the Ego over what you want, and you perceive that what you want it 'out there'.

I feel that change will start happening for you when you stop fighting what you are really afraid of, and accept it as a possibility. Then, once you've decided it's a possibility, you can let it go because it is the mind that is making a perception of what is a good, or bad experience. The mind cannot be right in the truth because it is always based on perception.

I was afraid of never being able to have children, and I was right (up to this point), I tried everything I could, I was desperate, I couldn't work out why. I became so tired and exhausted, I had to let it go, to grieve, and to accept.

I'm not saying that you will never have a boyfriend, I can't say what you will or won't manifest, and neither can you, somethings are beyond our control. Somethings we can't understand. What I am wondering is, that when you let go of the fear, of not having, and start to be who you are today, then things might shift.

Much love,