Do you care what other people think about you?

[Jamie]

Well ... do you?

Do you care what others think, and if so, how does this affect your behaviour?

Do you avoid doing things, because you're concerned how you'll be percieved by others?

Sure, there is a big difference between caring about other people, for their well-being etc, on the one hand, and being overly concerned with what other people think about us, on the other.

Trying to make a good impression etc ... isn't it like being in a self-imposed prison?

Personally, I think I'm way too concerned with trying to make a good impression, or have people see me in the way I want them to. It's a lot of work. I want to be free ...

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

What would you have if you had the approval of others? Give that to yourself. I have a quote I want to put here for you, but it will have to wait until I get home from work and can look at the book.

As for me, sure, my ego is very concerned about what other people think of me, but it is something I am learning to let go of. Who I AM cannot be diminished or improved upon by the opinions of others.

[Gozunn]

I'm not going to lie and pretend I don't care what other people think of me. If I didn't care what people thought of me I'd run butt-naked and shout 'HALLELUIAH' while the police chased my fat ass and took me to prison

And I believe most of you do care, to some extent what other people think of you. However I can say I am proud of how little people affect me. If I had to put it in numbers I'd say people affect me 15-20% of the time and in contrast with the average 60% or so that I see in the people around me I think that's pretty good. I can't give the credit to anyone but myself and those closest to me since I was able (with some help) to get through a rough childhood where I was paranoid of what other people said about me. (the temptation still comes around every once in a while).

However by effect I'm also talking about 'influence'. This means when a person says something and says it so well that you start agreeing with him. For example I was very cautious when I entered this site and I still don't let myself agree with everything that Steve writes or says. I am proud to say that I do my best to keep an open mind especially in the judgement of others. My advice from this is that if you hear someone judging another person DO NOT make it a fact, get to know that person even if they do say he is a psycho who runs butt-naked and yells 'HALLELUIAH' .

That's my 2c right there.

[KevinUSA]

Do you care what others think, and if so, how does this affect your behaviour?

Do you avoid doing things, because you're concerned how you'll be percieved by others?

I think this is exactly why it was so hard for me to join this forum and start posting. I'm worried about what people will think about how I come across. It's ridiculous now that I think about it, since nobody on here has a clue who I am.

[wellbeing]

Originally Posted by Jamie

Trying to make a good impression etc ... isn't it like being in a self-imposed prison?

Personally, I think I'm way too concerned with trying to make a good impression, or have people see me in the way I want them to. It's a lot of work. I want to be free ...

As you can see from the other responders, a number of us are rising to this challenge.

If I can share with you a mantra (actually the title of a book I've never read) that's helped me:

"What you think of me is none of my business"

Quietly reciting that to myself in the moments when I'm all caught up in what others are thinking of me has given me some space to put things in perspective.

Hope this helps (and thanks once again to the author--whoever you are--who came up with that phrase).

[Jamie]

Thanks guys, and for what it's worth, I think most people on this forum are pretty cool (ok, don't let it go to your heads!).

I find with myself, when I start to tailor my thoughts, words and actions, as to create a good impression, the more I do that, the more concieted and false I become, also, the less I am connected to my true self, to the flow, the force (to use a star-wars expression).

It's like there's a direct correlation there somewhere.

When I'm not worrying what you (anyone) think of me, things flow, like these words, they just come out, there's no planning or contrived and convoluted thoughts behind them (or if there is, it's not much, ok, now it's getting convoluted, I confess, so shoot me).

Does that make sense though? What I'm trying to say, when you have no preconcieved ideas or plans, and you just say what's there. I don't know what that's called ...

Dang! I just had a beautiful woman in my car tonight and I didn't snog her. Oh well. I mean, god, it sucks being a gentleman.

[Angela]

Well, you appreciated her beauty. That doesn't suck.

[martin]

I used to be obsessed with what people thought, but I'm really starting to change. I do things despite the fear now.

[sunhe]

depending who he is.

[Rockchick26]

Its interesting to think of this the other way around. Imagine if you met someone who was OBVIOUSLY in need of your approval. You would probably think 'why is this person so desperate for my friendship? they must not have any friends' and then you would probably think there is something wrong with them. Whereas someone who didn't care one way or the other,would make you think 'this person obviously has friends if they dont need me' which would make you want to know them!

[Fullcrum]

I do not give a damn what anyone thinks of me.

Becuase social conditioning does not give me this I have to train myself. It's not like I'm totally outcome independent 100% of the time yet, it's a continual realignment. But I can say that right now do not give a damn what anyone thinks of me over 90% of the time.

I like to use metaphors to explain such concepts. I'll use one I read today that describes it well. The sun glows brilliantly and gives light off into space - a beacon of light in the void. The earth receives some of this and it sustains most life on earth - hallelujah! The earth does not need to reciprocate to the sun, the sun does not need earth's (or anyone's) approval or permission to keep on shining. It is a NATURAL consequence of the nature of the object. Down to its very core. I think of not caring as being the sun. You give value like the sun to all who are around you, not needing anything from them, not permission, not anything. And you keep on shining, no matter what.

[uberinquisitive]

I care, very much, how I am perceived by others. In fact, my self-esteem seems to rise and fall by how I compare my self-image to how others seem to view me.

If someone who I consider "not important" sees me poorly, then I either don't care or feel better, because that person isn't important to me. However, "important people" have huge sway.

Important people are not just people I know. They are strangers who I judge to be people I'd like to associate with. They are also bosses, and other authority figures I feel are powerful, and therefore would like to be considered special by them.

This makes me act very differently around different people. it's almost as if I don't have my own identity, and instead cater myself depending on my audience. In fact, even the "not important" people elicit a certain role in me. But that role isn't "me."

The question is, "who am I"?

[NotesMaeve]

Being a gentleman does not suck. Slamhot told me tonight, when he met me, he nearly jumped me. I was in a relationship with someone else, and, honestly, I would have slept with him had he prodded. By which I mean it would have played out like:

Slamhot: Sleep with me.

Me: No.

Slamhot: Oh, come on.

Me: Okay! *Tears off clothes in hot fit of passion.*

As it is, the mister respected me and, well, gets my respect and all my sexual attention whenever his little heart can bear it, as well as all my love.

And yes, I care what people I love think of me. I'm a social creature and am growing into my own skin, but still need external approval and love. I am so fortunate as to receive it so much.

[KevinUSA]

I don't mean to beat a dead horse, but this is something that I have been struggling with or maybe I should say that I've been playing with. Just like Jamie posted earlier, I feel like I become arrogant when I get the attitude that I don't care what other people think about me (other people being strangers out in public), which also contradicts what I've been reading on this site about "connectedness" and thinking more about other people than "me". I've tried to experience the sense of connectedness that Steve talked about in one of his articles and I feel like a real goober when I do it, but I have had a couple of days when I feel like I experienced it. It takes a conscious effort for me to get into this frame of mind, if that's what it is, and what I want to know is how do you maintain it or is it like other things where some days are good and some not so good. I use to travel a lot going to competions on the weekends and we could be in Timbucto, Texas and my buddies would start up conversations with total strangers while we're waiting for a table at a restraunt and with in minutes be talking to them like they've known them forever. I've always had to be around someone or groups of people over a period of time before I get comfortable with them. Is that just a difference in personalities?

[Joely]

It's interesting this thread should show up on the day I started reading Byron Katie's "I Need Your Love" because I have to put my hand up and confess to being the ultimate approval junkie. I can't say I've got that generatin' the lurve thing going on at all. It wasn't until recently that I realised that all my thoughts when I'm not concentrating on something specific are about how I look, sound, smell, and generally come across to others.

It's been that way all my life, and I'm probably doing it to some extent right now! I decided not to write something where I talked wisely about being my own person because it's not the truth. Deep down inside, I'm terrified of disapproval and of people judging me. It goes as far as being paranoid about standing in queues at the supermarket in case people get ideas about what I've got in my shopping basket! I'm not quite as bad as a woman I once knew who put makeup on to answer the phone, but I'm not far off.

It has had devastating effects on my life - not least because of course it was a part of being anorexic for years - but just in simpler ways. When I'm going out with friends I'm paranoid about what I should wear, what I should say. I'm constantly on guard so I don't really hear what they're saying, I'm busy making sure I look like I'm listening and giving the right responses. I'm better than I was but I'm caught in a trap between wanting to impress people and worrying that I over-impress. It's all mostly subconscious, and all I feel is a constant state of tension whenever I'm out. I don't enjoy activities or try new things easily because I'm so worried about making a mistake. I've been brought up to believe I have to get it right first time, so I'm incredibly tense about how I come across and how I do at things. I rarely play board games because I have an instinct to win (to impress) but also to lose (to be a good person). I'm going on a karaoke night for the first time in my life on Friday and I'm absolutely, totally TERRIFIED already. I'm planning how to deal with it, how to hide in the corner, testing whether my voice is still good...

The worst thing I think is that it affected my writing. When I began working on Amnar again I didn't care about anybody else liking it, I just wrote it because I loved the world and writing about it. Then when it moved on into the publishing phase, it stopped being about doing what I loved, and became about the ultimate approval: acceptance by a publisher. At home I can't even accept myself: I have standards for every behaviour you can imagine from eating a meal to doing the laundry. I never meet even my own judgemental standardisations of what's "acceptable".

Deep down, it's about not feeling good enough about yourself - or myself, in this case. I did a meditation a couple of days ago, and found inside myself a great void, a deep emptiness. I've spent my life trying to fill it in various ways, or avoid it. This desperate need for approval has pretty much dominated my entire existence, now I come to think about it, and it's all because I don't feel good enough myself. I'm desperately hoping to find somebody, or something, that makes me feel good enough, but I do know this: it's not going to come from outside myself. Over the last day, I've gradually begun to relax and start to allow myself to accept the void. It made it much easier today in recording for Friday's podcast, but I've still got a way to go.

Anyway, I'm aware I've just turned this into Approval Seekers Anonymous (ASA), so I'll stop here. I might even blog about it, now I think about it - it might boost my hits for the day! (Because of course, they really, really count )

[Jamie]

I guess it's kinda like living your life indirectly, through other people; rather than having that direct, and immedieate sense of, total knowledge of who you are and what you're about. You know? Like when we're babies, everything is so immedieate and there's no contrivance. As soon as you think or feel things is comes out of you ...

Baby:

Feels something ... expresses itself.

Adult:

Feels something ...
Stops to think,
Thinks about what it means,
Thinks about potential courses of action,
Thinks about implications of said potential courses of action,
Thinks about how others will percieve him/herself, as a result of doing each course of action,
10 minutes later (after the original feeling has gone), does something ...

I think one is spontaneous and in the moment, the other is based on fear and approval seeking. I know I defo do the adult version way too much.

[Jamie]

Originally Posted by Joely

It's interesting this thread should show up on the day I started reading Byron Katie's "I Need Your Love" because I have to put my hand up and confess to being the ultimate approval junkie. I can't say I've got that generatin' the lurve thing going on at all. It wasn't until recently that I realised that all my thoughts when I'm not concentrating on something specific are about how I look, sound, smell, and generally come across to others.

It's been that way all my life, and I'm probably doing it to some extent right now! I decided not to write something where I talked wisely about being my own person because it's not the truth. Deep down inside, I'm terrified of disapproval and of people judging me. It goes as far as being paranoid about standing in queues at the supermarket in case people get ideas about what I've got in my shopping basket! I'm not quite as bad as a woman I once knew who put makeup on to answer the phone, but I'm not far off.

It has had devastating effects on my life - not least because of course it was a part of being anorexic for years - but just in simpler ways. When I'm going out with friends I'm paranoid about what I should wear, what I should say. I'm constantly on guard so I don't really hear what they're saying, I'm busy making sure I look like I'm listening and giving the right responses. I'm better than I was but I'm caught in a trap between wanting to impress people and worrying that I over-impress. It's all mostly subconscious, and all I feel is a constant state of tension whenever I'm out. I don't enjoy activities or try new things easily because I'm so worried about making a mistake. I've been brought up to believe I have to get it right first time, so I'm incredibly tense about how I come across and how I do at things. I rarely play board games because I have an instinct to win (to impress) but also to lose (to be a good person). I'm going on a karaoke night for the first time in my life on Friday and I'm absolutely, totally TERRIFIED already. I'm planning how to deal with it, how to hide in the corner, testing whether my voice is still good...

The worst thing I think is that it affected my writing. When I began working on Amnar again I didn't care about anybody else liking it, I just wrote it because I loved the world and writing about it. Then when it moved on into the publishing phase, it stopped being about doing what I loved, and became about the ultimate approval: acceptance by a publisher. At home I can't even accept myself: I have standards for every behaviour you can imagine from eating a meal to doing the laundry. I never meet even my own judgemental standardisations of what's "acceptable".

Deep down, it's about not feeling good enough about yourself - or myself, in this case. I did a meditation a couple of days ago, and found inside myself a great void, a deep emptiness. I've spent my life trying to fill it in various ways, or avoid it. This desperate need for approval has pretty much dominated my entire existence, now I come to think about it, and it's all because I don't feel good enough myself. I'm desperately hoping to find somebody, or something, that makes me feel good enough, but I do know this: it's not going to come from outside myself. Over the last day, I've gradually begun to relax and start to allow myself to accept the void. It made it much easier today in recording for Friday's podcast, but I've still got a way to go.

Anyway, I'm aware I've just turned this into Approval Seekers Anonymous (ASA), so I'll stop here. I might even blog about it, now I think about it - it might boost my hits for the day! (Because of course, they really, really count )

You haven't derailed the thread at all Joely, just say what you think and feel, it's all good!! ... and wow, what an honest self-appraisal. I'd imagine that a lot of people have simular issues Joely; who was it that said, "The masses of men live life's of quiet desperation"?

Hope all goes well at the Kareoke, you may find it to prove most beneficial, to just express yourself, and not care. I know when I'm at salsa, when I fisrt started going I'd be terrified of doing something wrong, now I just don't care, there is no wrong, only falling over (just very slightly off balance, and going WITH that, in the same direction, not fighting it, but changing it in to something new and fun). I don't mind falling over at all now, and can laugh at myself, and other people do too. It's all good. And you know, I used to be so very terrified (just like I am now, talking to cute ladies). I think the key is, and what I'm aiming for myself in all walks of life, is a state of uncontrived naturalness. Responding without thought or planning. Being in the moment. No fear. Complete self-acceptance.

Jamie.

[KevinUSA]

Adult:

Feels something ...
Stops to think,
Thinks about what it means,
Thinks about potential courses of action,
Thinks about implications of said potential courses of action,
Thinks about how others will percieve him/herself, as a result of doing each course of action,
10 minutes later (after the original feeling has gone), does something ...

Exactly, and I think this may be a learned behavior for me from putting my foot in my mouth so many times. I've also recently come to suspect I think about s**t too much.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Jamie

You haven't derailed the thread at all Joely, just say what you think and feel, it's all good!! ... and wow, what an honest self-appraisal. I'd imagine that a lot of people have simular issues Joely; who was it that said, "The masses of men live life's of quiet desperation"?

Hope all goes well at the Kareoke, you may find it to prove most beneficial, to just express yourself, and not care. I know when I'm at salsa, when I fisrt started going I'd be terrified of doing something wrong, now I just don't care, there is no wrong, only falling over (just very slightly off balance, and going WITH that, in the same direction, not fighting it, but changing it in to something new and fun). I don't mind falling over at all now, and can laugh at myself, and other people do too. It's all good. And you know, I used to be so very terrified (just like I am now, talking to cute ladies). I think the key is, and what I'm aiming for myself in all walks of life, is a state of uncontrived naturalness. Responding without thought or planning. Being in the moment. No fear. Complete self-acceptance.

Jamie.

That's what I'm aiming for as well. I recommend the Byron Katie book - it's got some great exercises for working on approval issues.

I have to say actually, as a former ballet dancer, I learnt to take my share of falls. There is nothing graceful whatsoever about falling on your butt from being en pointe, but I've done it a few times and found it funny. Very often it depends on the company.

Actually, I think it's when you stop worrying about appearing a particular way that you actually start to appear that way to others anyway.

[JimOfferman]

I care about what others think of me in as much that I'll ask myself 'do I mind that so-and-so thinks such-and-such of me.' If the answer is 'no', then I'm done caring (big chance so-and-so isn't high on my important people list). If the answer is 'yes', then I know there's another PD challenge coming my way... yay!

Mostly, though, I care about what I think of me. That's the important one.