The Bad Daughter

[Joely]

Sorry, I'm afraid after writing all that out I really don't feel comfortable about posting what was originally here.

Mods could you delete this thread please?

[mncz]

Originally Posted by Joely

Sorry, I'm afraid after writing all that out I really don't feel comfortable about posting what was originally here.

Mods could you delete this thread please?

* sneaks in a hug for Joely anyways.

[John P]

Well I managed to read that before it was edited and I've been pondering what to say in response. Now, since the thread may be deleted soon, I'm gonna have to hurry

I am overcome with admiration for you. To have gone through what you did (and are going through), and yet still be able to love people is quite incredible. It's a long road and I won't pretend to know what steps you've taken or have yet to take, but I want you to know that there are people on the journey with you that are willing to help carry you when you need it.

Here are some love vibes

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, Joely. I didn't read your post, but I just wanted to say I love you and send you lots of peace and support in whatever it is you are dealing with.

[Joely]

Thank you to all of you... I think at the heart of it (ignoring all the stuff about my childhood and my mother and the rest), I still feel this dreadful guilt about having all of this success. The way I was raised, both at school and at home, it was underlined to me that whenever I did well it hurt other people. Because I found it very easy to do well, that made it even worse. My mother has, for my entire life, made it painfully clear that I hurt others in being successful. I've been beating myself up over it ever since.

This will sound weird but I've always been able to get anything that I need pretty much instantly. In fact, it'll sound arrogant. I find everything so easy to do. A friend commented to me recently that I have this terrible fear of things coming to me easily, and I do feel guilty about it. Writing, for me, is the worst. It's also strange that the afternoon I decide to spill my guts about how guilty I feel about every ounce of success I've had in my life, and the way I've had to deal with my mother through it, threads appear on the forum talking about why people choose unfulfilled lives. The answer in my case is an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame at standing out, at having anything good in my life.

I was thinking about the way I hold on to my pain and found myself wondering, if I let go of this pain and allow all of this good stuff to happen, how the hell am I going to make myself suffer? It's the payoff I've been taught: be successful, and you have to suffer.

Sorry if that sounds messed up but it's the background I've come from - it was what I was raised with to the point of having it beaten into me. It's a hard thing to break through.

[Rose of Cairo]

Joely, I haven't read your first post, but I can imagine some of it. You're not alone. I hug you and send you lots of love.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Joely, I haven't read your first post, but I can imagine some of it. You're not alone. I hug you and send you lots of love.

Thank you so much!

Have you read Byron Katie's "I Need Your Love"?

I've been reading it this afternoon and it's actually really helped me.

J x