Borderline Personality Disorder

[graham6662]

Hi there.

Some weeks ago I posted a thread about my ex partner and low self esteem. We had a relationship that ended horribly. I have taken the no contact advice. This is our 12 week apart. No contact.

I have been doing some research in order to better understand what happened, so that I can put this all behind me without it becoming future baggage. I now realise (thought i'm not qualified to say) that she has
BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Its as clear as night and day.

Before anyone dives in and says that i'm not qualified. I know i'm not but I lived with the woman and I know what I felt and saw. Yes I must have had SE issues to have stayed within the relationship. Thankfully I have moved on and there is one last thing I need advice with before I can be at peace.

She does not know she has it, that's the upsetting thing. I know higher functioning BSD's can hide it and she does it well when outside in the real world. She knows she has a problem but does not know exactly what it is. Having read
'Stop walking on eggshells' I see all the symptoms and empathise with both the BPD and non BPD's. It is like the bulb suddenly burning bright. Tadah !

Is there anything I can do for this lost soul to help her understand what is going on with her ?

What right have I to tell her she has this disease and what right have I NOT to tell her and let her go on in painful oblivion ?

I really need to know what to do here. I could maybe pass this book onto someone who knows her well (her boss) as they are good friends. I could say 'I didnt give you this book but if you value your friend/employee you will take this on and at least give her some hints without damaging her esteem i.e let her work it out for herself and believe she worked it out for herself'.

Or I could walk away. I think that would damage me as I have love for her and want her to have the best chances.

It's a tough one. Some well balanced advice please.

Your advice greatly appreciated.

Grays.

[mncz]

Heya, Graham.

I think you should ask yourself, what do you expect from the act of suggesting her that she might have this disorder. Do you want to help? Or do you want to fix your relationship. Do you feel guilt? Do you think that by doing this she will be magically fixed and you can pursue your relationship again?

I want to share what happened to me in a similar situation. I had just broken up with my ex after many painful months of me enduring his oddities. I suspected he has a psychological problem, but I was not sure and frankly, I was not able to think clearly at that time, trapped at various mind loops of trying to make things better, thinking about breaking up, feeling guilty that I can't be a better partner, etc.

And then, like a week after our break up, it dawned on me that he has clinical depression. EVERY word I read about it just fit so perfectly. So I called him and we talked and he agreed to enter therapy.

And here comes the important part. When I understood what was really going on with him, I felt tremendously guilty. I thought "oh, if only I had known this sooner, perhaps things would have been different". I thought "oh, if I am there for him, if I help him to get through this, we can be together and happy". Needless to say, I just allowed him to trample over me some more and got extremely hurt in the process.

So, what I want to say with this, is: OK, if you feel like it, meet with her. Talk. Express your opinion. Look at what she has to say. Perhaps this is really the thing that she needs to make her life better. But under no circumstances get involved with her in a more than friendly way. Not for one moment allow yourself to think that you can have relationship again. You will save yourself bucketloads of pain.

Because truth is, people with such disorders are not fit for relationships. They have to sort their minds and lives out themselves, and they have to do that ON THEIR OWN. There is little you can do to help them and you are at a great risk to be tempted to do the heavy lifting for them, which is NOT help. In fact you are making it harder for both of you that way.

So, before you do anything, be extremely frank and honest with yourself as to where do you want to go with this and think it through.

[graham6662]

Hi there and thanks for your reply.
I do understand how you felt.

I really want nothing more to do with my ex. Its all gone too far and I am moving on. Now I understand her problem I can understand what happened and why. Things are so much clearer for me and I am finding closure. It's unlikely she'd ever trust me again and that's a mountain I don't wish to climb. As much as i'd like to help her I know my limitations and have an idea of what i'd have to go through to help her. I don't want years of pain and suffering. As you say it's a journey she must walk alone.

I don't believe in magic but I will feel guilty if she goes on in life making the same mistakes and not knowing why. I remember her telling me her last partner needed therapy after the relationship. That was a red warning light I sailed through ! I should have noticed the signals but no point blaming myself. So, she has a history of relationships which have ended badly. The only way for her to progress and have a happier life is to gain some awareness of her problem and where to get help. I would feel guilty if she was refused that chance. But I don't want to be the one to contact her with this horrible news. She's been through enough with me, we tried so hard to make it all work. I am a bit stuck really. I can't just post the book to her, that would be callous. I don't want to phone her.

Help !

[uberinquisitive]

If she is no longer in your life, then I would say - let it go. BPD people are often in denial about their issues, and if you confront them, they may become destructive towards you. Why put yourself in the line of fire? You are allowed to be safe, too. You don't have to save her - you're just as good a person if you protect yourself.

Thing is, if you think her learning she may have BPD will "change" her...think again. I have known I have BPD for a long time now. I have read books, gone to therapy, and been very proactive in managing this disorder. And - I'm still emotionally volatile. Now, if someone like me, who makes a huge effort to manage her disorder for many years, is still "nuts" ...

You can take a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink. This is true esp. of mental disorders and illness. I sought help because I couldn't take the pain and destruction in my life anymore. I reached rock bottom. Turns out, I have a very shallow rock bottom. Other people have a much deeper rock bottom.

I say - let it go. Sometimes, we have to sit on our hands and allow people to live their own lives.

[mncz]

Oh great then!

If you feel good about talking to her in person, do that. There is nothing "horrible" about suggesting that she may have a disorder. I know that many people are ashamed to talk about it, since it can feel like a curse or a stigma, which it is not. It is a condition, just like heart condition or a broken arm or flu. While shocking at first, for her acknowledging and understanding that she has one is already the first step to make her life better.

If you do not feel like talking to her, you can feel absolutely free to do nothing. I have observed that when people need/are ready for any information, it comes to them in its own perfect way and time. Thus, if she feels like she needs the information about BPD or if she is looking for it, it will come to her regardless of your actions.

[Angela]

I'm imagining you suddenly breaking 12 weeks of no contact and announcing: "Look, I've figured out what the problem with our relationship is. You are mentally ill!"

I know you wouldn't phrase it that way, but please consider that no matter how you word it, that's how it'll likely come across to her, at least based on what you're saying in your post. Look at it from her point of view. She gets defensive, and then you'll react to her defensiveness by becoming defensive yourself, making her more defensive, and you end up wondering, "how did it turn out this way? I care about her and only wanted to help!"

It didn't sound like she was very open to your opinions about what was "wrong" with her when you were together (e.g., the self help book she thought you gave her because you were trying to use it against her; refusing to go any further with therapy; telling you she would press charges if you contacted her); has something changed in the last few weeks that has you feeling she would be open to you telling her now that she has a mental disorder?

Unless you're able to take 100% responsibility ("Look, Brunhilda, with the passing of time I can see that I am 100% responsible for what I created in that relationship, and I'm so sorry for the hurt that I caused you. I learned a lot from the relationship and I'm grateful to you for that.") -- then you might want to consider what it is you'll continue to create by opening up communication frequencies in order to once again tell her what's wrong with her. In other words, to continue the pre-existing pattern.

Do you want to continue with the old pain, or do you want to generate something new that inspires you? If she truly is a highly defensive person or has bpd, you're telling her so is not going to help her. Would it help you?

[graham6662]

Thank you all for your advice. I feel I have lived a lifetime both during and after the relationship. I have taken a step back and re-evaluated myself and my life. I will keep my head below the parapet and continue with my own protection and development. I am recovering from the trauma and feeling much happier. I no longer think of her every 5 minutes, just every hour now (lol) !

I have established contact with my friends and vowed never to lose contact again for anyone or anything. They have been an enormous help. I have made new friends, one of whom had a relationship with a diagnosed alcholic BPD. I posed the same question to her and she said 'the positive side is that the non BPD partners usually have to take a step back afterwards and look at themselves and relearn who they really are. They often end up stronger and wiser as a result'.

I have made a fresh start on a new business venture which basically means I can 'hang up the keyboard' and no longer have to work away from home as an IT Contractor. My houses are on the market and I am buying a 10 bedroom guest house in my home city of York, England. It's been great because it has taken a lot of my focus and energy. Lots of research, visiting properties, telephone calls with accountants, surveyors, new friends I have met who are in the guest house business........ new lease of life. I am looking forward to running my own guest house, meeting new people and being an ambassador to York.

I have also given up smoking and alcohol since the start of the year. Going well so far and feeling fitter. Jolly good for the self esteem too, that's the entire reason why I did it ! Basically, i've got everything to live for and I must say a huge 'thank you' to the forum for all the encouragement and advice.

Keep the faith.

Graham.