Non-Negotiables In Relatoinships: Your Input

[Alex]

Hey guys,

I recently wrote an article titled Plan For Your Perfect Relationship By Determining Your Non-Negotiables.

I'm interested to know which non-negotiables you think belong on this list, other than the ones I have already mentioned.

Also, if you think non-negotiables are not realistic, or unpractical, let me know that as well.

Looking forward to your feedback!

[sheffy4]

I like the idea that people should be aware of their non-negotiables in a relationship, and that they should be addressed at some point. But I don't agree that people should

discuss them within the first couple of dates.

Even someone looking for a serious commitment would be freaked out if their date started grilling them on their ideas about children, parenting techniques, in-laws, and finances.
I would say things like this are better discussed after a long period together, like 6 months to a year, or more.

[mncz]

Originally Posted by sheffy4

Even someone looking for a serious commitment would be freaked out if their date started grilling them on their ideas about children, parenting techniques, in-laws, and finances.
I would say things like this are better discussed after a long period together, like 6 months to a year, or more.

It sounds sensible at first, but I would disagree. These things should be discussed very early in relationship, perhaps not in first 5 dates, but definitely in the first few months of relationship, particularly if you even remotely consider that it will last. Why? Because it will be much easier to end it at an early stage if you see that your non-negotiables do not fit. After 6 months there will be a lot more attachment, a lot more emotional/financial/time investment done and, when you find out that your most basic values are not compatible, you will be in a lot worse position and a lot more tempted to make compromises that will harm you in the long run and stretch the relationship because of your investment/attachment, not because it is the real thing that you are looking for.

It does not necessarily need to involve grilling. Come on! You spend a lot of time in dinners, cuddling, going places... talk about stuff that matters in a friendly, open, fun way and you will find out all you need/want to know.

Truth is good. Better to know it sooner than later, particularly because the basic things about people never change, and the non-negotiables are those basic things.

[Dan.Linehan]

I call those "deal-breakers".

[Pegasus]

The only issues I could think of might fall under a couple of the main categories.

AMBITION might fall under finances. Steve wrote an article (podcast?) that deals with self-acceptance versus personal development. Two conflicting views within a relationship could cause problems down the road.

TIME. You wrote about leisure time. Maybe more of a lifestyle issue. Do you sit in front of the TV each night and do nothing? Or are you overscheduled running from one event to the next? Could easily affect a marriage.

[evrgrn3]

Could it not be said that the mere act of creating a list of non-negotiables creates a counter need for the other person in the relationship to create their own list of non-negotiables?

While I thought the article was great -- I am concerned that it could be taken in almost a competitive vein -- almost like a pre-nuptual kind of thing. I think (and the article alludes to this) that understanding the core values that exist between you is the key to understanding the potential success of the relationship.

[Alex]

It's clear that I agree with mncz on this view, since it's the view I expressed in the article.


Also for evrgrn3, if you are a competitive person, that's going to take everything and want to match it, than this too will be taken this way. However, I've personally done this, and a few people in the comments reported they've done it too, and it seems to work.

We actually wrote that post together, and discussed each nuance of it to see how we fit. Luckily everything is on point =)

[Alex]

By the way, another relationship article you guys will like for sure.

Create a Delicious Relationship in 12 Minutes

[KevinUSA]

I call those "deal-breakers".

Well put!

I think its great that you have the foresight to think about this before getting into the "heat" of a relationship, I wish I had. I would just add that what people say is not always what people do, so pay attention to how they interact with other people, especially their family and friends that they are most comfortable with. I've heard it referred to as a "social mask" that people wear and some are thicker than others. You can learn a lot about some one just by observing them and trust your gut instinct.

[Magnetman]

I personally believe that if you take the time to decide in your own mind the person you would like to be with, with as much detail as you can put into the image you create, then the non-negotiables will take care of themselves.

Also once you get to know someone pretty well it is easy to ask how they feel about most any subject. As long as you are asking I believe you will get the answers. I don't think saying "this is the points I will not negotiate on" will make you anything but adversarial.

It's my opinion that people enjoy talking about themselves. If you just ask and listen you will shortly know their non-negotiables

[ines]

what about if your spouse is taking care of you financialy, do you still have a right to demand some things from her/him?

[KevinUSA]

Hey ines, You may want to start another thread with this question, if you are already married the deal has been made and some things may no longer be negotiable. You still need to communicate though, I just wouldn't approach it as a demand. I think this is a great example though of no matter how much you discuss things before hand, you may still not be prepared for what life throws at you. IMHO, I don't think whoever makes more cash should have more control. There are others ways of contributing and as long as you are both doing that it shouldn't matter. Men can let ego get in the way on this issue though. I hope you post this as new thread, I would like to see the responses to this.