Similar to "A romantic quandry"

[alexeleni]

I just recently ended a friendship to someone who I was extremely attracted to. The reason for this is that I am currently in a relationship with someone else, and I didn't think it would be conducive to my current relationship to have such strong feelings for another person.

I basically sent this person an e-mail letting him know that I was attracted to him and that I felt that our friendship would not benefit from me lusting after him. He replied, very curtly, that I should do what I needed to do and promptly said goodbye. I feel pretty bad about this for two reasons. One, he was a very good friend and someone that I felt comfortable with and with whom I shared a lot of interests (this, however, contributed to my romantic attraction to him). Two, I feel bad that I did this via e-mail and that the ending of our friendship was done electronically (but I did this because I had brought up, in the past, that I was attracted to him and he shrugged it off and insisted we could still be friends. I thought a written approach could work better).

Did I do the right thing? Has anyone done something similar? Am I just feeling bad because the friendship is over? I am worried that I will regret this abrupt break in a friendship and that I will miss him as a friend, and that these negative aspects of my actions will overshadow the positive (namely that I'm not lusting after someone that is inaccessible to me).

Thank you.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

You don't mention much about how you feel about your current relationship. I only mention this because the positive thing is that you are not lusting over someone who is inaccessible rather than the positive thing being you are staying committed to a person you want to be with. Does that make sense? Do you want to be in your current relationship?

But if you are happy and committed in your current relationship and don't want to jeopardize that and feel that you wouldn't be able to keep the other strictly at the friends level, then I think it's a good idea to cut it off.

Maybe your friend understands why you are doing what you are doing and respects it and so didn't try to talk about it further. Even if he was upset by it if it is best for you then I think it was right to do. He will hopefully understand and accept it, but that is for him to do.

[Angela]

I understand why your friend might be curt with you. You were curt with him, after all. You announced to him that you had made a decision that you are unable or unwilling to subjugate your lusty feelings, and lusting after him would inhibit your REAL relationship, so you are unilaterally ending your friendship with him. In other words, you told him he's not very important to you. That's gotta hurt, don't you think? Even if it's just a little sting, it's not like he's going to be grateful to you for saving him from the uncontrollably damaging lust-storm that is you.

If you really feel that you are too weak to continue a friendship with someone because you fear the deliterious effects of your desire for him, don't you want to be generous enough to talk to him in person and let him know it's your failure, not his in any way, that has you withdrawing from this great friendship? Maybe even to renegotiate the terms of your friendship, and let him know you'd be comfortable with a 'break' so that you can get a handle on feelings you don't know how to cope with just yet? There are all kinds of ways to deal with a situation like this, and you chose the most violent one. Does he deserve an apology for that? Do you feel your friendship is worth taking another stab at, and give yourself a chance to learn a really valuable lesson about being a friend, even if it means you don't see each other for a time while you get a grip?

You're just going to find another guy you're overwhelmingly attracted to. Why not deal with that now, and be powerful next time it happens?

[Vasilisa]

Originally Posted by Angela

I understand why your friend might be curt with you. You were curt with him, after all. You announced to him that you had made a decision that you are unable or unwilling to subjugate your lusty feelings, and lusting after him would inhibit your REAL relationship, so you are unilaterally ending your friendship with him. In other words, you told him he's not very important to you. That's gotta hurt, don't you think? Even if it's just a little sting, it's not like he's going to be grateful to you for saving him from the uncontrollably damaging lust-storm that is you.

If you really feel that you are too weak to continue a friendship with someone because you fear the deliterious effects of your desire for him, don't you want to be generous enough to talk to him in person and let him know it's your failure, not his in any way, that has you withdrawing from this great friendship? Maybe even to renegotiate the terms of your friendship, and let him know you'd be comfortable with a 'break' so that you can get a handle on feelings you don't know how to cope with just yet? There are all kinds of ways to deal with a situation like this, and you chose the most violent one. Does he deserve an apology for that? Do you feel your friendship is worth taking another stab at, and give yourself a chance to learn a really valuable lesson about being a friend, even if it means you don't see each other for a time while you get a grip?

You're just going to find another guy you're overwhelmingly attracted to. Why not deal with that now, and be powerful next time it happens?

Angela, it's a new outlook on the problem. I think that Alexeleni tried to find out if her friend feels the same about her this way.

[alexeleni]

Yes, Vasilisa, I guess I was kind of seeing how he would reply to the e-mail.

Aspiring, I am happy in my current relationship, but really felt a romantic connection to my friend, which obviously posed a problem. My boyfriend was uncomfortable around him and didn't like when I spent time with or talked about my friend because he knew that I was attracted to him.

As I said in my post, I had expressed my attraction to my friend as a problem directly to him previously on two occasions, but each time he didn't pay much attention to what I was saying and shrugged it off. My e-mail to him wasn't curt, Angela, exactly, more like I explained the situation and let him know that my wanting to avoid him was not due to anything negative that he had done but just because of the romantic feelings that were strongly affecting me and seemed one-sided. I also asked for his opinion, which he did not give in his return e-mail.

I don't know, I guess I still feel pretty bad about this and I guess I'm disappointed that it was so easy for him to just say goodbye and also that I felt so strongly about him that I felt I needed to do this.

Emotions are hard.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by alexeleni

I don't know, I guess I still feel pretty bad about this and I guess I'm disappointed that it was so easy for him to just say goodbye and also that I felt so strongly about him that I felt I needed to do this.

Hmmm, it almost sounds like you wish he would have declared his love and asked you to leave your bf. I may be assuming too much. But I think the heart of this is to go inside and discover what you truly want.

I think that even if your friend did have feelings for you he may just be a really good guy who wants to respect your wishes. He may also be hurt by it. I am not sure. But you trying to guess at what he's feeling is useless (believe me ).

[Angela]

alexeleni, I realized after I wrote that post that it may have come across as unnecessarily harsh, and I'm sorry for that. I didn't mean to tell you that you had done anything *wrong*.

You expressed what was so for you in the email and what your next action would be in the relationship (to cut it off), and I can see where that would feel abrupt, regardless of you throwing in a question about "how do you feel?" I would feel sort of like, "well, what does it matter? You've made up your mind. What do you want me to do about it?" It makes sense to me that he would be curt or dismissive in reaction.

I think you sent this email with love, hoping that you would be able to come to some sort of everybody's-happy accord. But what I see missing in your email is generous listening to him (the lustee). It sounds like you were trying to *get* something out of him -- you say you wanted to see what his reaction would be. Why not ask? Like: "Hey, Sven, here's how it is for me and it's hard. How is it for you? How would you advise me? You mean a lot to me and I'd like to find a 3rd answer that works for everyone. Any ideas?" Rather than: "Hey, Sven, here's how it is for me, so here's what I'm gonna do." (which is the metamessage, again regardless of your "how do you feel?".)

Plus, he probably senses that you're trying to sniff something out of him. That can feel a little weird, and he may not want to play that game. As Aspiring said, are you trying to see if he'll make a move towards you? Are you hedging your bets with this guy, or are you truly committed to the boyfriend and trying to create a safe place for that relationship? It's not really clear here in this thread. What do you think?

Again, so sorry if I was too brash.

[Vasilisa]

Originally Posted by Angela

alexeleni, I realized after I wrote that post that it may have come across as unnecessarily harsh, and I'm sorry for that. I didn't mean to tell you that you had done anything *wrong*.

You expressed what was so for you in the email and what your next action would be in the relationship (to cut it off), and I can see where that would feel abrupt, regardless of you throwing in a question about "how do you feel?" I would feel sort of like, "well, what does it matter? You've made up your mind. What do you want me to do about it?" It makes sense to me that he would be curt or dismissive in reaction.

I think you sent this email with love, hoping that you would be able to come to some sort of everybody's-happy accord. But what I see missing in your email is generous listening to him (the lustee). It sounds like you were trying to *get* something out of him -- you say you wanted to see what his reaction would be. Why not ask? Like: "Hey, Sven, here's how it is for me and it's hard. How is it for you? How would you advise me? You mean a lot to me and I'd like to find a 3rd answer that works for everyone. Any ideas?" Rather than: "Hey, Sven, here's how it is for me, so here's what I'm gonna do." (which is the metamessage, again regardless of your "how do you feel?".)

Plus, he probably senses that you're trying to sniff something out of him. That can feel a little weird, and he may not want to play that game. As Aspiring said, are you trying to see if he'll make a move towards you? Are you hedging your bets with this guy, or are you truly committed to the boyfriend and trying to create a safe place for that relationship? It's not really clear here in this thread. What do you think?

Again, so sorry if I was too brash.

O.K. I' ll admit it - I've been in the situation like this. But I managed to keep the "friendship".
Alexeleni, I know that you felt confused when you were writing to him. Of course you wanted to be with him - what is better the comfort of steady realtionship or overwhelming passion?
If you can't fight your one-sided feeling than it's better to let him go. Unless you feel you are head over heels and able to be his friend and just be by his side, just to see him, talk to him, to be there for him when he needs you and so on.
But it's terribly hard sometimes it's easier just to end it and forget.