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| | #61 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 3,709
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Okay, one more thing. Have you had that feeling that someone helps you feel better just by being there? I feel very calm when I talk to him. It feels like everything else melts away in that moment. Just like when we were together and I would have a bad day at work...when I got home and he gave me a big hug it was as if it never happened. I felt instantly calmer. Is that just using another person as an excuse not to handle things yourself? Or is that just natural with human interaction? |
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| | #62 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 3,709
| Quote:
And I heard about Swayze, but the thing I saw said it wasn't confirmed. If it's true that is so sad. | |
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| | #63 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 517
| Quote:
I'm trying to learn the same thing at the moment with an entirely different area of my life. It's a tough one! | |
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| | #64 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 3,709
| Quote:
I guess knowing about those habitual thoughts and observing them instead of letting them take over is the goal. But then I wonder what I will do when I come in contact with him without any past or any story about us. What will I have to go on? How can I know what the next move is? | |
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| | #65 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 22,520
| Quote:
It sounds pretty whooo-whooo, I recognize, but it's really a very practical and instantaneous thing, not magical or new-agey. I forget, Aspiring; have you read the Power of Now yet? | |
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| | #66 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 517
| Quote:
I've broken contact altogether with my exes. But they weren't the kind of people I wanted to keep around anyway, so I didn't have these issues. | |
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| | #67 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 3,709
| Quote:
I have read the Power of Now. And right around that time had some really powerful experiences with awareness. But I guess in the midst of everything going on I just gave over to the thought process instead of staying present. So I guess the question then is are there no longer any real choices to make when you are living in each moment? I mean, do they just arise naturally? Like if I am talking to him and he asks if I want to get together I will just answer from what is true and aware in me at the time? I won't have to entertain any past events or their bearing on that decision? I don't have to wonder what will happen as a result of the decision? | |
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| | #68 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 3,709
| Quote:
But I feel like there is more to come with us in one way or another. Still maybe that is misguided, I don't know. Last edited by {aspiring_to_clarity}; 03-06-2008 at 04:11 PM. | |
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| | #69 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 22,520
|
Yeah, "knowing" it doesn't make any difference, does it! It's like knowing that you'll lose weight if you eat less and exercise more. Well, great, we all know that -- but knowing it doesn't really make a whole lot of difference. We still struggle to lose weight. If I were you, I would keep The Power of Now handy and dip into it to generate being awake and aware consciousness, and give yourself a little relief from the incessant chicken chatter. The thing is, you get caught up in the content of the chicken chatter, and it makes it so hard, impossible even, for you to see a way out ("I don't know how to DO that!!") like that little chinese finger-trap. Practicing awareness now is like relaxing your fingers, and the trap loosens up and slides off. When you practice awareness (as opposed to just "knowing" about awareness) you let go of the focus on the content, and you see that you can't really make a wrong choice. No choice you make will diminish you. Nothing can be taken away from you or make you less or worse. Who you are, you are aware when you are aware, is just "playing" so to speak with these thoughts that seem so all-consuming and essential, like, "what is he thinking? does he love me? does he want to get back together? what does it all mean? what should I do next? how do I know what to do? will I ever really be happy? will I ever be loved? brawk." The questions feel very real and very important to you because you're focusing on them as content, as who you essentially are. And as long as you focus on them, that's how life will occur for you. When you focus on something else, how your life occurs for you will transform. And again, I'm not talking about some after-death sort of guru consciousness, I'm talking about very practical, day-to-day awareness that is possible for you TODAY if you're willing to take it on. I can't generate that awareness for you, but my experience is that reading that book and giving it your real attention makes it very easy to generate awareness in the moment. I strongly suggest to you that you give yourself some meditation time, and some time to open up that book at random, read a page or two, and give yourself permission to experience the moment. If not this book, then find another way to shift your awareness from the content of the chicken opera. Move yourself, so that you have a new point of view. It doesn't even matter what the point of view is, it's just important for you to experience (not just "know") that the one you're trapping yourself in is not the only one. Right now you're staying in the same place, consciously speaking. All you've got to do is shift a little if you want to feel good. Another great way to shift your point of view is the Landmark Forum, by the way. I hope you are keeping that in the back of your mind as a possibility. |
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| | #70 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 3,709
|
Wow, thanks. That really answers my questions. And I know you have also told me all of this before. It comes down to making the decision and effort to read it again and live in the now rather than give so much credence to the mind chatter going on. So much of the time it feels strongly that the questions in my head are important and that it does matter one way or the other what choice I make or how other people perceive my choice -- him, family, friends. I get very caught up in thinking that I can in fact be diminished by something I do or some wrong choice I make. But I know there is something beyond that. I guess it's seeing the difference between the natural "real world" concequences of an action and the deeper okay-ness that will always be there no matter what happens in life. And now I get to actually experience the awareness of that instead of blocking myself from it with all my knowledge and questions. Great analogy about knowing if you eat well and exercise you will lose weight. Doesn't do you any good! I have placed a lot of stake in knowing stuff. And where has that gotten me? |
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| | #72 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 3,709
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So now I have another question. Sometimes we advise people to cut off contact or leave a relationship or what have you. How does that fit in? If it doesn't matter which choice I make then doesn't it not matter for the other people as well? |
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| | #73 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 517
| Quote:
As has just been pointed out to me though, when I was advising you, I was actually advising myself about a completely different familial relationship I've been struggling with over the last year. So feel free to ignore my advice - I meant it for me and didn't realise at the time! | |
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| | #74 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 3,709
| Quote:
Maybe the situation I am in is one of those grey areas where it's more doing what feels comfortable until it doesn't anymore. It may just be that this kind of situation, where there is still mutual liking and no trauma, that the only thing that matters is generating good stuff and seeing where it goes? And I guess that's really the question I am asking. Is the advice different for me for some reason? Or is this the advice we'd give anyone in my same situation? Is the main issue for me one of being in the now and aware rather than some inherant problem with the relationship? If another poster was having issue with a relationship with the history of mine would we say the same things? Along those lines... | |
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| | #75 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 22,520
| Quote:
Everybody else -- well, the chicken chatter still blinds us to reality, and I think the key is waking up. Get quiet, open your eyes and your mind, see what there is to see. And make your choice based on reality, rather than on all the stories you tell yourself about reality. You may see that you need some time and space to get clear so that you'll be able to be really present to him when you do speak. Or maybe not. Either way, there are very few things you can do that can't be undone. Give yourself permission to make mistakes, cuz you're gonna anyway. And as things come up that aren't working for you, correct your course. And when things are working, give yourself permission to expand and enjoy. That's all part of being here now. | |
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| | #76 (permalink) | ||
| Family Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 3,709
| Quote:
And I DEFINITELY agree that any abuse is a clear get out now sign and should be treated as such. I don't dispute that advice at all ever! I was talking more about the "everybody else." Quote:
So the gist is go with the flow from a place of awareness and correct course as necessary? I guess in a state of present moment awareness you will naturally move in the direction you need to go. People will be in your life when you need them and gone when you don't. | ||
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| | #77 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 22,520
| Quote:
And you know that I feel that there's something way more important than the direction I'm heading if I want to be in love with my life. Yup, it's who I'm being. | |
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| | #78 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 3,709
| Quote:
And it wouldn't matter to me so much what anyone else thought about me or my situation because I would be living a life I love. See, I think I get the point, it just takes me shutting off all the squawking to remember I already know it. | |
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| | #79 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 3,709
| I have been feeling like there is still some reason he's in my life, some purpose for us still being in contact. I just want to stop trying to figure out the reason and let him be there or not according to what's "right." I assume the real reasons aren't usually visible until after the fact anyway!
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| | #80 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: New Delhi
Posts: 1,065
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Aspiring -you may also read this book - The Ending of Time. After reading this book,Steve's subjective reality is very easy to understand.(And to live.) Last edited by munish; 03-07-2008 at 10:32 AM. |
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| | #81 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 634
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Maybe you want to try no contact for a while? It isn't good-bye forever. It means that, maybe for about 3 months, you don't call, email, text, or see each other. It means you take this time to really focus on what YOU want. And when you see him again, you will happy and balanced. The "chicken diva" will be much more in control. |
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