I hate that I am shy

[Breakaway]

It makes it very difficult to approach someone. I'll see a girl I like, and I won't talk to her 99% of the time because I'm too shy and neurotic to say anything to her. This has single handedly probably caused my biggest lack of fulfillment in life. To think of all the happiness I would have had, and to not have it because of being too reserved. I'm more confident and mature today than I ever have been (I'm 26 now), but there is still that part of me that hates rejection, and still too introverted for my own good.

[missing]

Originally Posted by Breakaway

To think of all the happiness I would have had, and to not have it because of being too reserved.

This is a common perception but you never know, your shyness may have saved you some real misery. You could be paying child support!

Grass is always greener on the other side. While in general being shy is no picnic, I think the solitude of spending time alone is underrated.

I think if you've become more confident and more mature, there is no reason your shyness can't be overcome as well. Take it slow and enjoy the ride, you sound like you are in better shape than I am on this front!

[Rockchick26]

I'm shy as well,so i get where you're coming from. And i know how it gets ten times worse when you want to talk to someone you like or want to get to know. But there is nothing WRONG with you,being introverted is normal,its like being left handed,you're in the minority,but its still normal. I read a book recently on introversion,and it made me feel like i finally understood myself and i didnt feel ashamed of who i was. I wish i could remember the name of it,something with Introvert in the title. It really helped. And it shows you ways of overcoming it,if you want to open up a little more. Just remember you're just like a lot of other people,so there's nothing wrong with you. And also remember this; a lot of girls prefer shy guys! (myself included) :-)

[Fullcrum]

Do whatever you need to do to get out of your head and cease thought. Do this in your day to day activities. Then approach any girl you're interested in in the same state-of-mind: no mind.

No mind.

It's really fun. Only approach people you're interested in talking to. Do it for sheer enjoyment. Let your (physical) desire overtake you. It's fun stuff! Realize this: all your self-talk and "issues" are INSIDE your head. They are mental constructs, projections, designed to rationalize a lack of success. Rationalize. As in the mind tries to come up with some half-brained (literally) tale for why something is the way it is. Realize this.

Be free. Know what you want and do it: and have a blast!

[m18pak]

Originally Posted by missing

This is a common perception but you never know, your shyness may have saved you some real misery. You could be paying child support!

Hahahahahahaha...oh man, so true.

[Marco Polo]

Originally Posted by m18pak

Hahahahahahaha...oh man, so true.

Then again, he might have been dating the girl of his dreams as well. I say shyness does more harm than good.

I've been very shy most of my life. The first and most important step to overcome this was being brutally honest with myself - you have to admit that you've got a big challenge here, but stay optimistic. You have to raise your conscious about the problem... imagine your fear as an object and just stare it down (this was really hard for me at first). Trying to actually stop the fear is futile, so don't try to fight the feeling itself. If you're really serious about overcoming shyness, it's best not to rationalize and say "oh well, maybe it's a good thing after all". If its stopping you from getting what you want then it's NOT a good thing, and you'll have to fight it.

I would also recommend FUllcrum's advice - no mind... I like that.

Overanalyzing social situations only makes the shyness worse.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Breakaway

It makes it very difficult to approach someone. I'll see a girl I like, and I won't talk to her 99% of the time because I'm too shy and neurotic to say anything to her. This has single handedly probably caused my biggest lack of fulfillment in life. To think of all the happiness I would have had, and to not have it because of being too reserved. I'm more confident and mature today than I ever have been (I'm 26 now), but there is still that part of me that hates rejection, and still too introverted for my own good.

Wow, all that happiness you've missed out on because you're scared of being rejected. I can sympathise there because I've spent a lifetime being frightened that if people see the real me (shy/neurotic/etc) that they won't like me.

What would it be like if you were rejected? What would happen? How would you feel? Would you survive?

[Jamie]

I've had shyness issues too.

One thing I've found, is how important it is to know yourself, to know your mind, what you want, what you think and feel, what you like etc.

Not only to know yourself, but also, to know on a very deep intuitive level, that everything about you, just as you are, is absolutely and completely just as valid, as anyone else.

In lots of ways, we're taught that we're no good just as we are, that we need to be like 'x' to be worthwhile, and liked, loved. It's a pile of crap, my friend. Let me tell you; you are (just as you are) perfectly fine. You don't need to be other than just as you are. If you're shy, stutter your words, feel unsure; don't matter, don't let it stop you talking to anyone. You might find that a lot of people you talk to, don't have half the depth that you do. A lot of not-shy people are full of crap, so not being shy, doesn't automatically mean you're cool etc.

I guess what I'm saying, is to accept yourself, really know who you are and what you're about, value that.

Jamie.

[Fullcrum]

Read this.

Real Social Dynamics - Natural Tim » Blog Archive » Creativity. The ONLY thing that matters.

Please enjoy the wonderful glorious healing. Have fun .

Please when reading - don't go in with any mental conceptions of what should or should not be. FEEL what he is saying.

[LifeFirst]

Originally Posted by missing

This is a common perception but you never know, your shyness may have saved you some real misery. You could be paying child support!

That's an extreme case. Not likely to ever happen to a nice guy like him.


The thing is, if you're just shy. Then breaking the barrier isn't *too* hard. Thing is, if you have a social anxiety disease/disorder, then I don't know what to do with that really. You might want to find out what you really have. If you can talk to people normally, then you're fine. Maybe you're having problems talking to the girl you like? That's an occurrence that everybody feels, girls too.

[LifeFirst]

Originally Posted by Marco Polo

Then again, he might have been dating the girl of his dreams as well. I say shyness does more harm than good.

I've been very shy most of my life. The first and most important step to overcome this was being brutally honest with myself - you have to admit that you've got a big challenge here, but stay optimistic. You have to raise your conscious about the problem... imagine your fear as an object and just stare it down (this was really hard for me at first). Trying to actually stop the fear is futile, so don't try to fight the feeling itself. If you're really serious about overcoming shyness, it's best not to rationalize and say "oh well, maybe it's a good thing after all". If its stopping you from getting what you want then it's NOT a good thing, and you'll have to fight it.

I would also recommend FUllcrum's advice - no mind... I like that.

Overanalyzing social situations only makes the shyness worse.

On point..

I believe that it's not hard to walk up to a girl, or stranger and say "hi". It's easy as hell, anyone can do it. Even the shyest person can do it.

The problem is what you will say next....what are you going to say to a complete stranger that you don't know. What are you going to say to him/her after the initial 'hi' exchange. That's what's bothering him the most I think.

[Marco Polo]

Originally Posted by LifeFirst

On point..

I believe that it's not hard to walk up to a girl, or stranger and say "hi". It's easy as hell, anyone can do it. Even the shyest person can do it.

The problem is what you will say next....what are you going to say to a complete stranger that you don't know. What are you going to say to him/her after the initial 'hi' exchange. That's what's bothering him the most I think.

Trying to think of "things to say" is most likely counterproductive. Conversation requires you to be spontaneous, a skill that can only come through sufficient practise. And practise will only come when you learn to act in spite of the fear (including fear of awkard silences).

[vimoh]

This is a common perception but you never know, your shyness may have saved you some real misery. You could be paying child support!

Most amusing!

I think there are significant benefits to being shy. One thing, you think. Which is more than you can say about your more go-getter type of friends. True, you do it overmuch, but perhaps you can work on that.

I will strongly recommend a book called "THE INTROVERT ADVANTAGE" by Mrti Olsen Laney. It will help you understand your shyness and put it to better use.

Last of all, do not ever hate yourself.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Marco Polo

Trying to think of "things to say" is most likely counterproductive. Conversation requires you to be spontaneous, a skill that can only come through sufficient practise. And practise will only come when you learn to act in spite of the fear (including fear of awkard silences).

Very true! This is my problem,as i can imagine is the problem for all shy people. I often feel like,if i only had a script i could "see" while talking to people,and if i could just read off my lines,i would have no problems. Its just this lack of knowing what to say,thats the core problem i think,and that creates the shyness. When you drink alcohol, you suddenly can freely say whatever comes to mind without caring if anyone will even care what you say! Thats my theory on why so many people drink. I used to drink a lot but i've recently realized its only a cover up for a deeper problem. That,and hangovers suck LOL

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by vimoh

Most amusing!

I think there are significant benefits to being shy. One thing, you think. Which is more than you can say about your more go-getter type of friends. True, you do it overmuch, but perhaps you can work on that.

I will strongly recommend a book called "THE INTROVERT ADVANTAGE" by Mrti Olsen Laney. It will help you understand your shyness and put it to better use.

Last of all, do not ever hate yourself.

THATS the book i couldnt think of! I'm glad someone else in here read it,because i was trying to recommend it to this guy and for the life of me the title escaped me. I agree,that book was EXCELLENT in helping to understand and accept your interovertedness. I wish i had bought it,but i had a whole day to spend in Barnes and Noble so i just read the whole thing there :-)

[birajc]

This is a big problem I have also face all my life .

We request Dan.Linehan to give some tips.

I have been following he welcomes most of the people who posts threads in the introduce yourself column and always he knows the right questions, open ended , and interesting questions to ask.

Just follow what he writes for everyone and you will be amazed.

We want Dan to give us some tips so that we can also overcome this problem of shyness.

[missing]

Originally Posted by LifeFirst

That's an extreme case. Not likely to ever happen to a nice guy like him.

I was being a bit tongue in cheek but you never know. A lot of guys get sucked into having a kid thinking "it couldn't never happen to them" and they aren't always mr. charisma. That said I would agree the concern isn't very realistic.

Being shy when you don't want to really sucks and it's not a matter of choice. That said, our society is extremely prejudice against shy people. A shy person should really take a step back and ask themselves, is it that they are shy which bothers them? Or is it that they don't fit with society that bothers them? Maybe there are people who like being shy, but don't like being sh*t upon by society. Since the pain of being excluded from society out weighs the pain of changing ones shyness, they decide to change. Even though they'd rather not. Also keep in mind that not everyone can "change" themselves as easily as everyone else. The term "shy" is extremely broad in terms of who it encompasses. Some will have extreme barriers to overcome, that may as well be impossible. Others will have a very easy time changing themselves. Most will fall somewhere in between. People need to know where they fall on this scale to have an idea of how much they can realistically expect to change, and whether or not it will be worth it. Just identifying oneself as "shy" really tells us very little.

[introspective1]

I can relate to you, Breakaway. I hate that I am shy too and like Missing asked, "A shy person should really take a step back and ask themselves, is it that they are shy which bothers them? Or is it that they don't fit with society that bothers them? Maybe there are people who like being shy, but don't like being sh*t upon by society. " Well, I dont like being **** on by society. So many people have a problem with introverts especially when it comes to getting jobs. I try to be okay with myself, but deep down inside I am not. I try not to play the victim and take people's comments about my introvertedness personally, but when people dont think you have a personality that would suit a particular job (esp. marketing/sales), it hurts.

Surround yourself with friends that have no problem with your shyness. Something that I do that helps me, is to look in the mirror and say, "I am a great person and if I want to overcome shyness, I can do so"

sounds corny but might increase your self esteem and make you less shy

[jaamkie]

Probably silly, but thinking about this I realize I get away with a lot of shyness by being female and working in a mostly-male environment- maybe try a mostly-female job/class/hobby and let them come to you and turn your shyness into a bit of a challenge for them? Activities in general help- give you time to be around/interacting with people without having to justify why you're there talking to them or feel like it is over if there's a pause. Then, if you're really wanting a challege, maybe meet random people for dinner/drinks/etc through a dating website or something- knowing that it is a very unpredictable situation so you have to go in with no expectations but with the belief that you might have a great interaction as well. (Just for the record my experiences have never been nearly as awkward/bad as I have feared; and I met this awesome introverted guy thru craigslist- we met up and started talking and quickly forgot our nervousness instead finding someone to totally understand each other- a few years ago I never would've gone and met some random person, but I am so so glad that I did)