rant/vent: why is my ex-bf treating me like I'm still his gf?

[uberinquisitive]

And why am I too chicken to call him out on it! I'm kinda disgusted in myself

End of January, we had a huge argument. After that, we decided to take a break. We parted on amicable terms. But it was never an official break-up.

However, we've sure acted as if we broke up. As in, barely any contact of any kind. Then, out of the blue, he emails me a week ago, asking if I want to have dinner. Sure, dinner sounded fine to me. I only have pleasant feelings for him.

I saw him yesterday. Spent the night (no sex - and no pressure for sex, either, even the poor guy spent the entire time, um, excited). And, he treated me as if the past month never happened. He was all affectionate and kiss-y and calling me pet names.

But the best part of the night was sleeping with his cat by my side. I love that cat. I missed that cat.

I'm just so mad that I didn't firmly tell him, "I feel weird! Can we talk about this first?" For some reason, I was worried about making HIM uncomfortable.

Much of the time, I was a bit irritated at him. I've gained confidence exponentially since January, and he's missed out on a lot of it. He treats me how he's always treated me. And now, I find it belittling, stifling, and such a turn-off. But I kept my mouth shut because I wanted to keep the peace.

He's not a bad guy. He's not even a chauvinist. He's essentially a great guy who also happens to be clueless about me. So I feel guilty, because him trying to understand me it's like asking a born-blind man to describe an apple. Impossible. And not his fault.

I've been asking myself, "what do I want, in regards to him?" And I get a total blank. I just know that I want to be kind to him. But in terms of what I want, I have no clue.

[Rockchick26]

My first question was going to be "what do you want out of this guy?" but you said you didnt know,so...hmmm LOL I would say when in doubt,don't. So don't keep seeing him if you are unsure,cuz it sounds to me like you wont want him ever again,and it isnt fair to lead him on by sleeping over at his house when he's all raring to go LOL At the same time,its hard to come straight out and tell someone that its over,when he isnt a bad guy,its just not working out. One question though,why do you say its impossible for him to understand you? How long did you date him? It sounds like the connection isnt there,the chemistry isnt there,so,i would just say "I'm sorry but i dont feel what you feel,its best we dont see each other",but i know thats hard,cuz when i was with my ex boyfriend,i didnt feel anything for him but yet i was afraid to break up,so i more or less waited for him to finally do it. Good luck with this! :-)

[Erin Pavlina]

I've gone through that before. With friends. After a time of separation I had changed quite a bit, gotten more confident, less submissive. But when I started hanging out with them again they still treated me like my old self and it was uncomfortable and difficult for me to get them to see I'd changed.

What happens is that you shift your vibration to a new frequency and you're no longer a match for being treated like you were at your old frequency.

For me, there were only two choices. Either they update their file on me and get with the program, or I no longer associated with them becuase they were trying to drag me back to an old vibration.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

But the best part of the night was sleeping with his cat by my side. I love that cat. I missed that cat.

Uber, the cat part is very funny!

Your situation is absolutely perfect. You struggled about boundaries during your relationship with this guy, and you came through some very big lessons for yourself in living a life you love. Now, after a bit of breathing space, he's back to give you a chance to put what you've learned into action! How great is that!

It's not important that you momentarily fell back into your old pattern of making his well-being a bigger priority than your own and trying to keep the peace at your own expense. That's perfect, really, because it magnifies for you what works for your and what doesn't. You don't feel good that you didn't stand for your boundaries, and that's your guide to take you onto the right path. It's just practice. Now you can take a deep breath and distinguish what it takes for you to take good care of yourself. Congratulations on that!

Is there any way you can get custody of the cat?

[mncz]

Aww, uber, I feel you . When my mom told me that my ex had conquered me with his cats (he has 3 british cats, they are beyond awesome and cute), I had to agree there was a lot of truth in her words.

But as for the other parts, Angela is right: now you can consciously see how your new attitude affects your feelings about your decisions and thus eventually the decisions themselves. This event has shown you that your new life is worth pursuing, since you feel bad about the old behavior and know that you would have felt better choosing your new behavior. The whole "choose things that feel good" perception actually works.

As for the ex, I would say that chances are slim that he will change, thus chances are slim that you can remain in relationship, but you can always give him a chance and show your new way of thinking through action, to see how he reacts to it. If he will not update his actions, you will eventually feel so "incongruent" and unhappy with him that you will be relieved to break up with him. Of course, it is better not to get there, but if you need that lesson, you will choose to have it.

Have no fear You are on the right path!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by mncz

but if you need that lesson, you will choose to have it.

Wise words.

[John P]

Why is your ex-bf still treating you like his gf? Because you're treating him like your bf. You take a break (with no closure)... and then go out to dinner with him and spend the night. That's a relationship. I bet he thought that perhaps the break was over and invited you to dinner to test the waters.

If you want him to stop treating you like his gf, then break up with him. Do it gently and kindly, of course, but this in-limbo/halfway thing doesn't seem to be working for you.

[frosta]

Maybe when you agreed to have a break, he interpreted that as a break? like in "let's have a break for the good of our relationship". I assume if he had this idea then he basically spend the time of the break with thinking about you and how to make things better or so, while you probably used the time to focus on yourself and things which make you happy.

But it's never too late to talk clearly about things... And if he wants you so badly he probably needs the distance more than you do.

just an advise of a guy who definitely needs to be kicked in the butt in such a situation

(PS: when I was with my girl one of her cats was very affectionate to me, but I had problems making both of them happy! they became all jealous and bitchy!!! )

[Rick Abelson]

Don't forget the one true constant in all of this.....HE IS A GUY!! He doesn't want to believe that any other guy on the planet could possibly take his place. I know it doesn't make sense to a woman but that's the way it is. He is going to act like he does until some other woman starts catering to him. Cut the cord....he'll get over it!

[uberinquisitive]

It hurts so much, but I know I have to have true separation. Not just a break. But a true separation.

I have spent the past 2 days just crying my heart out. Alot of fear.

I wrote in my journal:

What do I want? Peace, stability, joy.
Are these things a relationship can give me? No.

They can only come from me. And it's so unfair! Why can't someone give it to me? I need to be taken care of. I can't survive alone.

I'm so scared to look inside myself. There is so much pain inside. I can barely endure the pain right now. I want it to go away, and I want to be happy.

I don't have faith. I'm not sure I have courage, either.

I don't know if I can take care of myself. I'm not sure I'm enough.

I'm in so much pain right now. I can barely get out of bed. Thank god today my boss is out of town, so I could stay home. I am so glad that my current job is so flexible, and I could take a few days off if I need to.

I'm so tired.

[xyz]

Uberinquisitive, do you have a family? parents? siblings? cousins? grandparents? friends? if possible try taking a mini holiday with them. If you can get some toddlers to play with that will do wonders to you. Try it if possible. If none of these are possible why not head to some place noisy, hip hop, sunny and bright for a mere few days alone? Even if that too is impossible why not volunteer for some cause? Maybe you find satisfaction in doing something for others.

[uberinquisitive]

Going off on a mini-vacation does sound appealing.

However, I always do this. I'm always moving around, trying to avoid dealing with stuff. I wonder if it's about time that I stand my ground.

I've been using Tolle's suggestions of observing the pain-body. It's been a freaky experience.

I'm sitting at a table, and across from me is an empty chair. Sitting in it, I can almost see "me" - not the ego me, but the deep, authentic, "core" me. She's dressed like me, looks like me.

She just looks at me, with a lot of compassion. And I can see what she sees - this demon going in and out of me. This demon also looks like me, but is almost transparent, and has a menacing look in its eyes.

Tolle says to just observe the "demon" without judgement or labels. And, also to observe the observer. Basically, be super aware and totally in the Now.

How is it working for me? Well, I stopped my uncontrollable crying. It started again once I started thinking of worst case scenerios, but then I snapped my attention back to watching "Core" Uber observing the demon. And the tears immediately stopped.

I'm now reading chapter 2 of "The Power of Now" and it's amazing just how deeply I identify with my mind/ego. I mean, all these years when I thought I was a self-aware person...I was really very self-aware of my ego!

Even now, although I have been watching Oprah's webinar with Tolle and reading "The Power of Now" and "New Earth" I still find myself clinging to the ego and pain-body. And, I judge myself for it. Total ego. Total frustration because I want all this pain to go away, right now. I'm so impatient to be "cured."

[Joely]

If Tolle doesn't help, try Pema Chodron.

I'm so sorry you're in this state. Be gentle with yourself, and don't try to make yourself into anything or fight with anything.

I know how you feel - I'm impatient too. All I can do is send you love and say "this too will pass." Because it will, it always does.

J x

[mncz]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

It hurts so much, but I know I have to have true separation. Not just a break. But a true separation.

I have spent the past 2 days just crying my heart out. Alot of fear.

I wrote in my journal:



I'm in so much pain right now. I can barely get out of bed. Thank god today my boss is out of town, so I could stay home. I am so glad that my current job is so flexible, and I could take a few days off if I need to.

I'm so tired.

Uber, I give you all my hugs and all the love I can possibly have. I know precisely how you feel and not that long ago I was precisely in the same place. I am very sorry for you. If it is any support, I can tell you that it will get better with time, and once out of the desperation, you will start to appreciate the freedom your single life and new perspective gives you. It will get better. It will not always hurt like this. And when it ends, you will find yourself a stronger, better and smarter person. You will have your wings and one day you will fly, I promise.

[Angela]

I know it hurts, and I'm sorry you have this pain. I think later you'll be glad to feel the temporary rip of the band-aid, rather than just being at the effect of him for some indefinite long-drawn out time (any more than you already have!)

Lots of love and good wishes to you, Core Uber.

[Joely]

Hi again Uber,

It's odd, I found myself thinking about you last night. It was two things: firstly we're both going through a lot of pain at the moment but for different reasons, and secondly, I've been in a similar situation where even though I think I should know better, I keep doing things that hurt me.

I know that we read all of this stuff about dealing with life and self-development, and then the moment we get into deep pain it flies out the window. Deep down I think we still see pain as something bad, something that's unacceptable because we've done all this growth. But the thing is, it's not. Pain just is, we have pain because things happen we don't like and we get hurt. Telling ourselves off for it doesn't help - it just makes it worse.

I was just going to suggest that you just allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling. Don't label it or try to tell yourself to do certain things or think you should be feeling differently. Just accept what is for now, and what's happened. It might not be now, it might be some time before you realise it, but you'll look back on this as a stage of major growth. That's what I think at least. There's nothing wrong with you, you've done nothing wrong. You're OK, and it's OK for you to feel the way you do. We have an addiction to feeling good, and we think if we don't feel good, something's wrong. But it isn't.

When I read all these books, whether it's Chodron or Tolle or any of the Buddhist theorists, the most important lesson there is just to accept what is, whether you label it as good or bad. Let it all flow through you. Listen to your thoughts, don't try to stop them, but you can learn from them: what are they telling you about what you believe deep down about yourself and what you're worth?

I hope that helps - I'm still learning myself,

J x