rant/vent: why is my ex-bf treating me like I'm still his gf?

[uberinquisitive]

It was my birthday yesterday. He told me he would call me. But no call, no text, no email.

And...I don't feel upset! Instead, I feel compassion for him, and gratitude. This is HUGE.

I feel compassion for him: "he's at a 2-day bachelor party in Montreal. He's having fun. I'm not his gf, per say. He doesn't want to lead me on. He needs his own emotional distance. He doesn't mean to be hurtful."

I feel gratitude for me: "so many people called and emailed and Facebook-ed me about my birthday. I'm so lucky!"

I'm giving myself permission to gently and kindly leave him. I don't like how I've taught him to treat me. I don't like who I am around him. Obviously, I need to do a lot of personal work. Nothing is set in stone - maybe when I feel more grounded, he can come back in my life.

[Angela]

happy birthday, Uberinquisitive!!!!

I celebrate the day you were born, and that our lives have intersected.

Lots and lots of big love to you on your belated birthday!

[Joely]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

It was my birthday yesterday. He told me he would call me. But no call, no text, no email.

And...I don't feel upset! Instead, I feel compassion for him, and gratitude. This is HUGE.

I feel compassion for him: "he's at a 2-day bachelor party in Montreal. He's having fun. I'm not his gf, per say. He doesn't want to lead me on. He needs his own emotional distance. He doesn't mean to be hurtful."

I feel gratitude for me: "so many people called and emailed and Facebook-ed me about my birthday. I'm so lucky!"

I'm giving myself permission to gently and kindly leave him. I don't like how I've taught him to treat me. I don't like who I am around him. Obviously, I need to do a lot of personal work. Nothing is set in stone - maybe when I feel more grounded, he can come back in my life.

Oooh! Wonderful.

And happy birthday (belatedly!)

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Happy Belated Birthday!

I am happy for all you are discovering. You are doing so well!

[robc]

Before bringing unconditional love into the situation, you should love yourself first. Taking care of yourself, making yourself happy, being a strong individual, etc.

Don't expect anyone to make you happy, you should be happy to begin with, going into a relationship being unhappy isn't going to do you any favors or your on again/off again boyfriend.

Unconditional love is accepting someone as they are, not for what they can do for you, not what kind of job they have, how much money they have, how cool they are, special skills they have, etc. If you love someone, you love them, your heart tells you so, it's the only indicator that you should be following. As soon as you start thinking about the things they can do for you to make you happy, you're letting your ego control your decisions.

As soon as your ego gets involved and says he should be doing this, and he's the kind of guy who does that, and he isn't really good at that, etc. etc. etc. Those aren't problems he has, those are problems you have with him & most importantly yourself.

The conflict is always within you. If you have a problem with how someone does something or the kind of person they are, the problem is with you and you have to determine what it is in you that you have a problem with. Just remember you can't control someone else's thoughts & actions, that's just a waste of energy and a source of most conflicts in relationships. You can only control your actions & thoughts, that's all you can be responsible for. Controlling someone or trying to isn't love either. Why does someone else have to change or be different to make you happy.

Requiring someone to change into something else and do things differently so that it will make you happy sets you up for failure to begin with. As long as you place requirements on the other person to do/say/act/perform a certain way, you setup lacking and the path to eventual disappointment. If you can't be happy with him how he is regardless of his quirks, you won't be happy with him if he changes into something else because you will still find him lacking in another area. And if your partner has to change so much to fit your view of the person you want to be with, your love has conditions and therefore isn't unconditional

Search yourself, find out why certain things that your partner says or does bothers you and determine if it's a problem on his part or your own.

As for the sex, sometimes physical attraction & abstinence can make you do something you might not have - remember it for what it was, an experience that involved 2 people. If it was just sex and your heart wasn't really in it, look into that and determine for yourself why it happened. I'm assuming he didn't force you the first or second time, here's another clue that the issue really lies with you.

Communication is important in any relationship, more so the listening than the talking. Don't just communicate with him, how about yourself. Why did you feel you had to go out for dinner? Why did you feel you had to stay over? Why did you feel you had to be physically intimate, not once by twice. Be honest with yourself and this person your involved with, if you can't do this, it's another point of failure & conflict that you will have deal with.

You're an adult, time to make adult decisions and be mature about this, determine what it is you want in life, if it isn't this person, continuing to be involved in his life with dinners & sex is going to confuse the heck out of him as much as it's causing you grief.

Do you want him and really love him? Accept this person in your life regardless of their faults and expect that this person do the same for you - that is unconditional love. This person can add to your overall happiness if you allow them but they aren't responsible for your happiness, anyone who tells you different doesn't know what they're talking about. You are responsible for your own happiness, it's your life, no one elses. You were happy before you were ever in a relationship, does that have to change when you get into a relationship? You can be in a relationship, maintain your individuality and be responsible for your own happiness.

You can only make yourself happy by determining that you want to be happy and then finding out what it will take for you to do to yourself to make you & keep you happy. If you are genuinely happy with yourself and choose to love someone and add that person to your life, you can expect to have a rewarding, loving, fulfilling relationship. If you expect that other person to be responsible for making you happy, you can expect the opposite.

I'm not being hard on you, just keeping it real and being honest - everyone deserves this much. I wish you happiness & success in your future and I hope you control it's pace & direction.

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by robc

As soon as you start thinking about the things they can do for you to make you happy, you're letting your ego control your decisions.

Very true.

My personality, profession, and years spent in analyzation (i.e. therapy) has made my ego large and in-charge.

Do you want him and really love him? Accept this person in your life regardless of their faults and expect that this person do the same for you - that is unconditional love.

Then I've never truly been in love. I guess my ego needed the attention in a relationship. But real, unconditional love? I've never given it. Nor have I experienced it.

So, what does unconditional love look like? Like, in my current situation: my "bf" hasn't contacted me about my birthday yet. It's been 5 days. No call or email. Nothing.

I'm obsessed with "why." What does it mean, that he didn't wish my a happy birthday or even a belated birthday?

And then I feel belittled, disrespected and fearful.

If there is unconditional love, what am I supposed to do? Tell myself that he didn't do anything wrong, and that I'm the one who is belitting myself?

What do I do when, in 2 weeks or so, he contacts me? If I bring up the fact I was hurt by him forgetting my birthday, then am I not implying that he should have NOT been that way? And that isn't unconditional, is it?

If I love myself first, then I would tell him he was in the wrong and to not contact me again.

I really don't understand this unconditional thing. It sounds a lot like being a doormat.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

Very true.

My personality, profession, and years spent in analyzation (i.e. therapy) has made my ego large and in-charge.


Then I've never truly been in love. I guess my ego needed the attention in a relationship. But real, unconditional love? I've never given it. Nor have I experienced it.

So, what does unconditional love look like? Like, in my current situation: my "bf" hasn't contacted me about my birthday yet. It's been 5 days. No call or email. Nothing.

I'm obsessed with "why." What does it mean, that he didn't wish my a happy birthday or even a belated birthday?

And then I feel belittled, disrespected and fearful.

If there is unconditional love, what am I supposed to do? Tell myself that he didn't do anything wrong, and that I'm the one who is belitting myself?

What do I do when, in 2 weeks or so, he contacts me? If I bring up the fact I was hurt by him forgetting my birthday, then am I not implying that he should have NOT been that way? And that isn't unconditional, is it?

If I love myself first, then I would tell him he was in the wrong and to not contact me again.

I really don't understand this unconditional thing. It sounds a lot like being a doormat.

I really, really feel for you. I've been there, and I know what it's like. Whenever you talk about unconditional love and the way he is (which is Byron Katie-sounding - have you read I Need Your Love?) you seem to make yourself into the monster being unreasonable with him. What about love for yourself?

For myself, I think the easiest thing would be to have it out straight - either you're together or it's over. If it's over, no more contact and therefore no more worrying over the way he behaves. I think it would really really help you to get some clarity there.

J x

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

If there is unconditional love, what am I supposed to do? Tell myself that he didn't do anything wrong, and that I'm the one who is belitting myself?

Doormat and unconditional love do not belong together.

You can ask for what you want in relationships while being unconditionally loving. There is actually a part in I Need Your Love that talks about that.

You can be unconditionally loving and leave a relationship. That's in there too.

You don't have to "trick" yourself into wanting something other than what you want.

Have you read the book? I can't remember...

It would be a good way to understand this exact situation more. PM me your address if you want and I'll send it to you.

With my ex and me there have been some times where I went total Chicken Diva about why he didn't answer my call or why he didn't do something he said he would. The thing that was really going on had nothing to do with him at all. It was all about me and what I made his actions mean about me. I began to look for the root of why it hurt so effing bad that he didn't call. Logically I know there could be any number of reasons...I mean, I've not called people back right away and I know it wasn't because I secretly despise them or anything! But deeper was the old pain of "I am nothing" which is reinforced by something he did. Angela told me something that really made sense (paraphrased): people lie and break promises all the time in relationships, it doesn't mean anything about you, me, Danger Man or [ATC's ex]. Beyond the hurt that his lack of contact about your birthday has brought is the real reason you are in pain. This guy is helping you learn some important lessons for yourself, what a teacher! My ex is my teacher and boy are the lessons a pain in the ass sometimes. But I have come to a place that I didn't know existed through this experience.

Like mncz said earlier in the thread, if you need this learning experience you will choose to have it. So look deeper than the surface situation for what is really going on here. It's certainly not about the guy -- for you or for me.

[robc]

... There are so many of those "he could have done this" situations and don't get me wrong, if he is your "bf" (which is still a loose term I gather in this discussion with you), then technically the guy should have called and said happy birthday.

He hasn't called in 5 days, isn't he away on a business trip or something? I thought I read in that in one of your previous posts. Maybe he has just been too busy, maybe he feels like a bum for forgetting to call you on that very day and since then he doesn't know what day to pick now to call you & wish you a happy birthday (happy birthday btw, sorry I didn't say that earlier, 29 years old and holding? ) and because of that each day he doesn't call makes him feel more of a bum. Maybe he's truly careless and doesn't want to call, could it be he actually forgot altogether (people can be ignorant about birthdays, anniversaries), it doesn't mean he's a total bum but just clueless about important dates. You haven't heard from him in 5 days, hopefully nothing bad has happened to him which might also explain why no recent phone calls at (birthday related or otherwise).

The point is, so many different reasons why he didn't call to wish you a happy birthday. And all of them in the end affect your ego in the end, make you feel lousy, make you believe that if he really wanted you as his girlfriend he would have made the effort, etc.

You can't control any one of his actions and his reasons for what he has done (or not done in this scenario). So you either fester with this issue or you just say to yourself: "his loss for not celebrating my special day with me". I hope you did something nice on your birthday, hopefully you took care of yourself in some form or fashion: a nice meal, a gift, a movie, spent time with family or friends, etc. In the end, it was your birthday, you get to choose how you celebrate it. Spending time & energy on negative thoughts about what he did is a waste of time & energy. That's where you lose out in the end.

Unconditional love means you love this person regardless of his faults. As soon as you place conditions on your love towards him based on things he does or has does on the past, your love is conditional.

And no, you don't want to be a doormat or a stepping stone. If this relationship is abusive, leave or inform this guy that you expect better treatment from someone who is supposed to love you.

Love is a beautiful thing and a perfect thing, it only gets messed up when you add humans to the mix because we're unfortunately not perfect (quite the opposite). If you love him and he loves you, you won't focus on the flaws & imperfections. If you don't love each other very strongly or at all, you will do the opposite: focus on all the flaws & imperfections and all of the positives will be outweighed by the negatives.

Don't hold back from asking for what you want but don't argue about it either. Tell him that you expect a decent birthday response from him because it makes you feel good that someone who loves you takes the time to let you know that your birthday is a great event in his life and that you would do the same for him. If his response is totally against this then listen to your heart and not your ego: do you love him even if birthdays aren't a big deal for him. If the answer is no, you know that you won't be happy with him because you don't love him enough.

And that's ok too, that doesn't make you a bad person, just honest. Unconditional love is a tough concept to understand and even more difficult to employ.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

You may have already seen this in the other thread, but I thought it was pretty applicable here too. I was trying to say exactly that .

Originally Posted by Angela

You mean, it's like saying, "it's okay that you treated me so shabbily"? "You did some things that really devastated and hurt me, and that's alright; you can keep doing that if you need to." Like that?

Remember that accepting and forgiving doesn't mean condoning. It doesn't mean, "You can do whatever you want to me, and I'll just stand here smiling and cheering you on." You don't even need to forget what happened, although you probably have more constructive stuff you'd rather focus on, and it would make more room for the inspiration if you were to let go of the memory.

Accepting and forgiving means: Acknowledge that something happened and you paid a price (feeling pain, betrayal, resentment, loneliness, whatever). It happened, and all the *shoulds* in the world won't change that it happened. When you find yourself saying, "that *shouldn't* have happened! It should have gone another way! She was *wrong* to do that!" recognize that you are arguing with reality. With what you've learned, you are free to make other choices in similar situations, but what happened happened.

It doesn't mean anything about you.

Forgiving means: once you recognize that you paid that price, consider how long you're willing to keep paying it.

Consider that we are all doing our best, so our actions are all right within that context. Your right action might mean you must let her go with love, or it may mean you need to report her to the police. Whatever your next right action is, once you've acted, any price you keep paying after that is Old Pain -- the only return you're getting is nourishment for feeling bad. You can keep paying that old invoice if you want to. Or you can file it under "Paid in Full" and let it go. In that case, you'll be free to be really powerfully present for the next fabulously attractive woman you encounter. You'll be free to generate something wonderful and creative, without the encumbrance of all that old pain.

Wouldn't that be worth doing?

[uberinquisitive]

Angela's post is pretty shocking to me. Thanks for quoting, AtC.

It's shocking because all I see in my life is pain, and I'm choosing between being neglected by my current guy, or dealing with my fiance's suicide. I've never considered not being in pain.

So tragic, man.

What's keeping me from choosing joy?

• It's all I know. It's "normal."
• I can't imagine myself without pain (who would I be?).
• I'm not sure I deserve the happiness that I observe in other people's lives. Maybe I don't believe it's real, because I've never personally touched joy.

Whatever the case, I'm scrambling to find the exit point, and I just can't see it. I'm probably overlooking it, but not seeing it has triggered a deep panic. The past couple days, I've been like those "hunted" chicks in horror movies, who is trying to get out of the haunted house, but keeps running into



Everyone is, in their own way, advising me to "chill out" "accept" "surrender." Tolle, Katie, people on this board, my friends and family.

What does that really mean?

When we skin our knee or break our bones, we don't sit there and chill. We go to a hospital. When we need money, we get a job. The concept of just "taking it" sounds sooooo counter-intuitive.

I have done nothing about my current guy situation, but I can't help but rehearse how I'm going to (hypothetically) confront him. In my imagination, I take the upper hand. If I didn't have this outlet, I think I'd go bananas. But I know this is not real surrender.

How does one get out of the grips of her own, crazy mind?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

Everyone is, in their own way, advising me to "chill out" "accept" "surrender." Tolle, Katie, people on this board, my friends and family.

What does that really mean?

When we skin our knee or break our bones, we don't sit there and chill. We go to a hospital. When we need money, we get a job. The concept of just "taking it" sounds sooooo counter-intuitive.

I have done nothing about my current guy situation, but I can't help but rehearse how I'm going to (hypothetically) confront him. In my imagination, I take the upper hand. If I didn't have this outlet, I think I'd go bananas. But I know this is not real surrender.

How does one get out of the grips of her own, crazy mind?

Hi, Uber. First of all, when you skin your knee or break your bone, that is authentic pain -- that is, here and now pain. The pain you are in is old pain that you're hauling around (your exes leaving you feeling abandoned) and also anticipated pain (rehearsing your encounters). You could go to the hospital for inauthentic pain -- you could go to the psych ward, and they would probably treat you for depression, but I'm not real confident that would have you loving your life. You could also go to what I call the Pain Hospital -- that is, the Hospital d' Amor: lots of consolation from your girlfriends, from us, maybe some margaritas, long hot baths, a massage, sniffy teary movies, and time.

You can't stay in the Hospital d'Amor for too long, though, or the nurses will start rolling their eyes at you. It's for the emergency term -- when you just are so stunned by the pain of thwarted love that you don't even feel like you can shave your legs (or whatever).

So when you're at the stage you're in -- past the emergency stage, but really befuddled about what to do next -- that's when the need for real courage and boldness comes in. You've got that in spades; I've seen it in you. Courage and boldness is what it takes for REAL surrender and acceptance. It's not about chilling out and doing nothing; it's not about giving up and turning your back on things. When you're accepting or surrendering, you are saying YES to reality. Yes, your sweetheart committed suicide. It doesn't mean anything about you. Yes, your ex-boyfriend does some inexplicable things, and doesn't do things you think he owes you, like calling on your birthday. That also doesn't mean anything about you. People do things you don't like, and they always will! That you can count on.

And if you say Yes to the reality of these things, if you grant people the freedom to do what they do and think what they think and feel what they feel (especially yourself!), what will occur for you is not just being chill; it's Being Peace.

Is that something you'd like to generate for yourself, Uber?

[Joely]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

Angela's post is pretty shocking to me. Thanks for quoting, AtC.

It's shocking because all I see in my life is pain, and I'm choosing between being neglected by my current guy, or dealing with my fiance's suicide. I've never considered not being in pain.

So tragic, man.

What's keeping me from choosing joy?

• It's all I know. It's "normal."
• I can't imagine myself without pain (who would I be?).
• I'm not sure I deserve the happiness that I observe in other people's lives. Maybe I don't believe it's real, because I've never personally touched joy.

Whatever the case, I'm scrambling to find the exit point, and I just can't see it. I'm probably overlooking it, but not seeing it has triggered a deep panic. The past couple days, I've been like those "hunted" chicks in horror movies, who is trying to get out of the haunted house, but keeps running into



Everyone is, in their own way, advising me to "chill out" "accept" "surrender." Tolle, Katie, people on this board, my friends and family.

What does that really mean?

When we skin our knee or break our bones, we don't sit there and chill. We go to a hospital. When we need money, we get a job. The concept of just "taking it" sounds sooooo counter-intuitive.

I have done nothing about my current guy situation, but I can't help but rehearse how I'm going to (hypothetically) confront him. In my imagination, I take the upper hand. If I didn't have this outlet, I think I'd go bananas. But I know this is not real surrender.

How does one get out of the grips of her own, crazy mind?

I really get where you're coming from, given that I spent the beginning of this week in a severe depressive haze, and my friends and life coach bore the brunt of it.

This will sound crazy but in the middle of this post I stopped to make a cup of tea, and something came to me about what we do. We're actually trying to protect ourselves. When something really awful happens, like a lover committing suicide, a miscarriage, the death of somebody who really matters, boyfriends cheating on us, we assign huge importance to that event and say "This says X about me." Sometimes we'll add "This also says X about life."

So we try to run away. We shut ourselves into our pain because we can't stand that these things happened, and because no matter what we do, how much we hurt or beat ourselves up, they still happened, we go on torturing ourselves. And we start to identify with our pain. It becomes Really Significant that this event happened. It tells us some Divine Truth about who we are and what the world is like. And we cling to our pain because that becomes our truth, we think our suffering will somehow make things better. At the same time, coincidentally, we're trying to protect ourselves from more pain by creating this drama out of our old pain. We brand ourselves with these events, they colour our every interaction because we think that they make us who we are, that they changed us, that time stopped and we have to make a huge deal out of them.

I've spent a lifetime walking around being angry and filled with self-loathing because I was bullied and abused. God it was important. I can still feel, inside, that I want it to be Incredibly Significant And Life-Changing. I am broken by this, I want to say, and in that, as Angela says, I can get love from the Pain Hospital from friends who will let me be broken and never argue with the power of My Terrible Pain.

Now I'm starting to ask myself, whenever I get into these places: "So what?" How important is it really, how much does it affect who I am now. Well, it only affects me as far as I allow it to, only as much as I identify with it and make it mine.

I think, reading what you've written, you're very powerfully attached to needing his love, and needing his approval, so it really does hurt when he doesn't do what he said he'd do - because if he doesn't in your mind that says something about you. Like I said last time I posted in this thread, break off contact because that will give you the chance to find the love and approval for yourself within yourself. I think that's what you need right now. When you can do that it doesn't matter what people do to you that you consider inappropriate - if it hurts, you feel the pain and then move on, and if necessary, you talk to that person about appropriateness and boundaries or if it's really serious, cut them out of your life. If not, you recognise that people will do what they do and sometimes it'll hurt you. Doesn't say diddlysquat about you.

Go within, and find you. Start developing a relationship, a deep loving relationship with the person you are. And you'll find out how great you are, and how well you deserve to be treated. Because people will only treat you as well as you treat yourself. You are brave and courageous and you'll start to see it all for yourself when you take the time to get to really know you, rather than looking at other people and trying to find the love you want there.

[mncz]

Originally Posted by Joely

Go within, and find you. Start developing a relationship, a deep loving relationship with the person you are. And you'll find out how great you are, and how well you deserve to be treated. Because people will only treat you as well as you treat yourself. You are brave and courageous and you'll start to see it all for yourself when you take the time to get to really know you, rather than looking at other people and trying to find the love you want there.

God yes.
All the major changes in my life started when I turned my sight inwards and asked: who I am? what do I want? what do I need? If there was noone else in this world, who/what/how would I be?

You can't (or can) imagine how terrified I was when I understood that I can't answer ANY of these questions. I was completely captured in the loop of outside influences, outside meanings, outside definitions. They gave meaning to my life. What others did, what others wanted. The stacks of old abuse were largely defining my behavior and the stacks of new abuse only condoned my view on life where I was worthless, always doomed to please others and live for others, because that was the only thing I felt good enough for - living for others, giving away everything, always bending to their wishes.

If I imagined myself alone in this world, none of it made sense. At all whatsoever. And step by step I started to discover myself. I tell you, I made some stunning discoveries about myself, particularly considering that I have lived with myself 26 years already. And it changed my life completely in a relatively short time. I found a wonderful source of power within me and I am never letting anyone take it away from me.

That said, none of those were easy changes. I went through a lot emotionally. I still learn to live this way. And I think that you are on the same path now, uberinquisitive. And trust me when I say: loving yourself is the most beautiful love you will discover in your life.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

How does one get out of the grips of her own, crazy mind?

That's just it, I don't think you "get out" -- there's not some magic exit. Instead you just stop fighting it so hard, stop clinging to the pain and realize that reality is reality. When you give up trying to actively figure it all out and find out what it means you are free.

Like Angela said, breaking your arm is very different than these past pains and questions about the future. You can surely sit around all day thinking about what you will say when or if he calls and how you will make that conversation work for you. But you are wasting many "nows" doing that. Right now there is nothing so bad happening, except the horror your mind and thoughts are putting you through. He's not here spitting in your face or stomping on your toe. The pain in your heart (or wherever) feels really real, but it's all a projection -- it's a past or future moment -- having nothing to do with the reality of this moment here now.

I have seen you see the power in yourself really clearly. The acceptance, surrender and "letting go" that people are talking about really all boils down to not fighting reality (at least the way I see it). Reality is what it is. The panic you are feeling is created in your mind when you think that you should be doing a certain something in this situation or that you are supposed to "just chill" or that things are not right. In reality, you are more than okay. You are perfect. You are doing just the right thing because you really can't make a mistake here. When you take away the element of there being a "wrong" choice things lighten up. You don't need to reherse for future conversations. Be here now and take care of yourself. Live for you and the life you love. Then when or if you have occasion to talk to him again, it will be just fine.

Oh, I still have the questions and the panic rise up. It gets less often as I really practice acceptance and surrender. And to me, those are very different than giving up or "taking it." They are empowering. When you face any situation in an open manner you need no defenses.

[uberinquisitive]

My cousin confronted me last night. She wanted to know why I was laying in bed, depressed, unwilling to go out and have dinner.

I live with her, and she is my best friend, so she

Now, my cousin is a happy-go-lucky type who rarely talks about anything deep. But last night, she became very stern and told me:

"Get over yourself! The world doesn't revolve around you! Stop being so controlling! Your reaction to this event is psycho and out-of-line! You're not really mad about the birthday - it's just a handy excuse to berate him for not 100% fulfilling YOUR needs 100% of the time. You're punishing yourself and making the situation 100x worse, so that you can feel justified in punishing him. You're like a 5-yr-old kid, so narcissistic! Grow up."

It was an "a-ha" moment for me. I hurt myself in order to make people compelled to take care of me. I hurt myself in order to punish others. I have spun the "victim" web around me, and I believe it so totally that I wasn't even aware it existed. Talk about "once I was blind, but now I see."