Women of the forums. I need your female feedback.

[Alex2007]

I have recently dated a girl, and we had a couple of meetings. I know during that time we didn’t have the opportunity to get to know each other well and I admit that at times we looked nervous during meetings. I liked her though.

Recently (2 weeks ago) her uncle died from cancer, he was ill for several months and his death was expected. Since then it looks like she doesn’t want anyone be around her. She rejects my every attempt to support her, she didn’t even tell me about that loss of her uncle. I’ve heard it from 3rd party.

That “leave me alone, I don’t want to share my problem with you” response is familiar to me and it mostly comes from females.

During our last phone conversation she had a very abrupt manner. She rejected to have a benevolent meeting with me. She Characteristically said that she “hates these typical coffees”. When I asked her to tell me a bit more of how she felt, she wanted to hung up the phone. She said that she wanted to be alone and that she did not feel well. When I asked her if she felt like that because of the loss of her relative, she replied that, it was not only that. It was everything and how she felt was about her. She asked me to leave her alone.

That “leave me alone, I don’t want to share my problem with you” response is familiar to me and it mostly comes from females.

Can you please help me decode that kind of behavior please?

Is it me who create it? People don’t trust me? It is not the first time that happened to me.

Thanks so much. Your reply is very important to me.

[m18pak]

Alex, this has nothing to do with you. You can't help her, so the best thing that you can do would be to RESPECT WHAT SHE WANTS, and just give her some space.

This has nothing to do with you, don't you get that?

PS. I just noticed that this thread was asking for women to give advice, and I'm a guy...so yeah.

[Eowyn]

I haven't been able to figure out whether her behavior is completely result of her uncle's death (no matter what she says) or there is really something more.

But this is how it was with me. A couple of years ago my mother passed away, after being ill for a long time. I was devastated. I went through several moods and emotional states in a day. At first my friends kept asking me how I was, if there was something they could do, if I wanted to talk about it etc. over and over again. I know they meant well, but....it annoyed the hell out of me. Why? Because the pain was so great there were no words to describe how or what I felt, or I simply didn't know how I felt, I was numb. For two weeks I felt other people were just background noise and I felt I had to focus inward, otherwise I would lose my mind. I needed some time alone to deal with it and figure it out. And then I was able to open up.

Maybe that girl is like that. Some people need to talk about problems to feel better, some people are unable to express in words how they feel, some need some time to figure out first what it is they feel and why, and some ( like me) first turn inward and then to other people.

And another thing I noticed at that time. People think they should help you and sometimes they become too aggressive in their attempt. Because THEY want to feel useful, THEY want to ....whatever. So in a sense it all becomes about them. I also resented that kind of behavior because I told them what I needed, to be left alone for a while, and I felt they were forcing me to focus on their needs when I needed something completely different.

Sorry for the long post, what I'm trying to say. It's not you. But if she told her to give her some space then respect that. Even though you mean well and would like to help her, just tell her you are there for her when or if she feels ready to talk about something.

[Alex2007]

Thanks Eowyn and m18pak.

Of course I give her space, even if this means that I will never see her again. But at the same time I am looking for an explanation to this. Not only to unterstand her but also for my own reference.

Eowyn, you have just given a very reasonable explanation. Spot on and very intuitive and it comes from your own experience. Thanks! I will look at it again closely.

Originally Posted by Eowyn

I haven't been able to figure out whether her behavior is completely result of her uncle's death (no matter what she says) or there is really something more.

Neither have I ! It is probably a blend of many circumstances.

[RobinSkeen]

Alex

Sometimes women are too softhearted to come right out and say things. It could simply mean that she didn't feel a spark and then unconsciously decided to use the death as a cover. Since it has happened in a similar manner to you before, it could simply mean you're a really nice person and the lady just didn't want to hurt you so chose avoidance instead.

Women know that to tell a man "You're a really nice man, but..." is a real confidence killer and most choose alternatives to that. I have been guilty myself. I've met a really nice person who has all the qualities I would want in a potential mate, but the spark just isn't there. So, how do I tell this nice man I like him but "not in that way?"

I don't know if that's what happened or not, but it was my first thought.

[seeker5]

Why are you trying to get her to share her problems with you? I don't understand that at all, considering how little you know each other. It's one thing to be there if a woman in your life wants to share her problem with you - and that's great. It's a complete other thing to try to get a woman you barely know to share with you her personal problems.

This probably shouldn't be posted in this "Personal Effectiveness forum" - but more like the "Social and Relationship" forum.

[Rose of Cairo]

Alex, for me you come across as a clingy "nice guy". Sorry for being so harsh on you. Maybe I'm totally wrong, I don't know you. Based on just your two posts here, that's the impression I get from you.

There is nothing to decode: when a woman tells you "I want to be left alone" then she really wants to be left alone, period. This is no code, it's just the facts. I interpret your need to search for an explanation as a way of not really accepting her decision. Why she wants to be left alone is none of your business, in fact.

The vibe I get from you is "Why is she like that? Why doesn't she want to see me? Why doesn't she let me help her?" Trying to understand her because you like her is nice of you, Alex. But asking why is also a way of not accepting her decision, and this is what I get from you. You're saying "ok, I'll leave her alone, BUT". Someone once said that if there's a "but" in a sentence you can forget about all the words before this one

In fact it doesn't look like you're ready to leave her alone at all. She doesn't want to see you and did not even talk about her loss with you. Obviously, she doesn't want any help from you. Still, you repeatedly tried to help her. In France we would say "on t'a pas sonné!" which means something like "nobody called you!".

Same thing on the phone with her. She says she doesn't want to see you (no). You ask her to tell you how she feels (open yourself to me!). She repeats she wants to be alone (no!). But you keep on digging, asking if maybe it's because of her loss (touching a hurting point to make matters worse). Why do you still try after two clear nos?? You're not respecting her limits.
(edit: with your digging you seem to tell her "you owe me an explanation for this no!". Are you too insecure to just accept a no?)

Why do you want to help those girls so badly? Do you need to feel needed?

[Jamie]

I have to agree with everything Rose is saying. There is nothing to decode, she is telling you bluntly, that she doesn't want to be bothered by you, which you're trying your best to ignore her wishes, and to find a sneaky way around it.

That's how it seems to me.

For me, if I like a girl, and she turns me down, that's it, I accept it completely, and will have no more to do with her, no more chasing. It's about self-respect, and valuing yourself. In point of fact, if it even gets to the point where the lady has to be so blunt, the gentleman has probably not been a gentleman, and not exhibited manly behaviour. If a woman turned me down, that is ok, I can live with that, thank her for her time, and move on. BUT, if I persisted (even in my own heart), I would be so ashamed of myself.

It does seem like you are needy and persisting, despite her wishes. That's how it sounds. I guess that's not what you wanted to hear Alex, but you should consider if there is any truth in this idea.

Jamie.

[Stephen]

Plenty more fish in the sea, as they say.

Move on.

I interpret her behaviour as something like.....'I have met you. I dont want to meet you again. We dont click'

Dont flog a dead horse.

Rejection is hard to swallow, but necessary for good mental health.

[astra]

I keep seeing you saying 'But Why'? and trying to understand this. Unfortunately, you may never understand this from her point of view, so the best thing to do is simply accept it. If she doesn't want to see you, it's because she doesn't feel like seeing you right now, that's why. I know this sounds harsh, but you're like the toddler who keeps saying 'Why, mummy? Why?' to everything she says. You need to be an adult about this.

If you really don't want to leave things the way they are, my suggestion is to apologise for pressuring her, and let her know that you will be there for her if she wants you to be, when SHE is ready (ie via a short sms, not a long speech, leaving your feelings out of it). But stop asking her for answers - right now, she probably feels like she doesn't have any herself. I know you feel like you are entitled to an explanation, but the paradox of the world is that she is entitled to not give you one, ie her privacy. Respect it.

[oberlee]

One of the MAJOR differences between men and women--but luckily one that is easier to understand than most--is the difference between how we deal with problems. Women don't want a problem FIXED when she tells you about it, if she even tells you about it. She just wants to get it off her chest and have someone listen. Men interpret this as "I need you to fix this" whereas that is SO FAR from what women are asking.

Now, it sounds like she maybe didn't tell you, but I think the same basic concept applies. She doesn't want you to meddle, unasked, in her affairs. When I was dating, one thing that would really piss me off is some guy who thinks he knows me characterizing me and my emotions when he had no idea what the bleeep was going on. Or, anybody. Like, say someone doesn't get a job she interviews for, and somebody responds, "Awww, I bet you're feeling really upset about it, huh?" Wouldn't that be F-ing annoying? Does that make sense? I'm sure that's not what youre doing, but it might lend some insight.

Also, I would not do what Astra suggests, above (sorry, Astra) in telling her you're sorry and will be available to talk when she's ready. That would drive me INSANE. I would think, "What makes you think I ever want to confide in you?" If you don't know each other that well, it's best to not talk about it unless she brings it up.

If this happens to you a lot, it sounds like it's caused by your behavior and is something you should get a grasp on. Sigh...not to be harsh, but there's a book out there (for women) called, "He's just not that into you." I think you might need the gender-specific book (unfortunately, I don't hink there is one). The more you cling, the more she'll run away.

I'm sure you're a really nice guy with a lot to offer, so steam on ahead (forget this girl), get advice from friends who know you better, be respectful and be confident.

[Petals]

I can sort of understand the way your friend deals with grief because I'm like that too. When something sad or terrible happens to me, I hate talking about it. I try to avoid telling anyone, not even the people closest to me, because:

1. Talking about it is painful.
2. I hate people pitying me, looking at me with pitying eyes.
3. I don't like to look weak in front of people and I try to avoid situations which will might make me cry in front of someone.

So, when something bad happens to me and people find out and start coming to console me and ask if I want to talk about it, I'd be irritated as heck, especially if that someone were a person I only knew for 2 weeks. I'd be like, "Butt out, I don't even know you that well and you want to me to share my deepest thoughts with you?"

To be honest, I would even be irritated by close friends trying to talk to me. I just don't want to talk about it and I don't want people to ask questions, you know? I just want to be alone in my grief (for a while, at least, anyway)

What I might appreciate would be non-invasive forms of comfort. Maybe a card or an e-mail saying simply, "I'm here if you need a friend." That way, I feel comforted that I have a friend without having to go through the stress of interaction. I wouldn't necessarily reply the e-mail or send a thank you for the card, because I'm on an "avoiding people" state, but I will remember who are my friends and I will go to them when I'm ready to face people.

[Alex2007]

Many of you thought that I didn't respect the girl and that, her behaviour was a polite way to ask me to "get lost". But she repeatedly said that she was in a terrible time and she wanted "NOBODY" to be around her. Many of you rashed to judge things, probably wrongly. Of course I respected the way she felt and I didn't push her to give me any explanations.

She asked me to be left alone because as she said "everything was wrong" to her. Yes she didn't trust me enough to express her feelings to me. That could be a signal that I should back off.

The only people here who gave impartial non-judgmental answers from their own experiences were Petals and Eowyn.

Thanks everyone who gave an answer here. You maybe right as well !

[Ulla]

Hi Alex,

It seems to be an old pattern and now you have brought this to your awareness and can release it, if you want to do that.
My suggestion is that you ask your self these questions; (from the Sedona Method).

Could I let go of wanting approval?
Would I let go of wanting approval?
When could I do that?

Could I let go of the resistance to let go of this?
Would I let go of the resistance to let go of this?
When could I do that?

Answer yourself with “yes” or “no”, be honest.

You can also ask yourself these questions;

Could I let go of wanting to change this situation?
Would I let go of wanting to change this situation?
When could I do that?

Could I let go of the resistance to let go of this?
Would I let go of the resistance to let go of this?
When could I do that?

This is a way to communicate with your own subconscious self in a manner that can help you to let go of this pattern or habit.

Each time you run this question series you get rid of layer upon layer of this pattern.

Take care,
Ulla H

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by oberlee

One of the MAJOR differences between men and women--but luckily one that is easier to understand than most--is the difference between how we deal with problems. Women don't want a problem FIXED when she tells you about it, if she even tells you about it. She just wants to get it off her chest and have someone listen. Men interpret this as "I need you to fix this" whereas that is SO FAR from what women are asking.

We're individuals. Some of us want stuff fixed.

Thnx.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Alex2007

Of course I respected the way she felt and I didn't push her to give me any explanations.

You do realize that simply because you felt you respected her in no means means she felt you respected her. It's totally possible that you felt respectful toward her - while she felt offended at you for not respecting her...did you consider that?

Many of you rashed to judge things, probably wrongly........The only people here who gave impartial non-judgmental answers from their own experiences were Petals and Eowyn.

So the rest of us gave you judgmental answers? Isn't the very act of judging whether our statements are judgmental or not, a judgment on your part. Thus, instead of seeing what you can learn from our answers, aren't you instead being judgmental toward our suggestions and insights? Isn't it the same thing you are doing toward that girl - judging why she is doing what she is doing instead and trying to get more info out of truly respecting her and letting her be free?

Regardless, since you express that what I wrote to be too judgmental, and that you say "I rashly judge things wrongly", remind me not to offer any more advice/suggestions when you ask for them .

[Alex2007]

Ulla, thanks for the time you took to write,

Originally Posted by seeker5

So the rest of us gave you judgmental answers? Isn't the very act of judging whether our statements are judgmental or not a, a judgment on your part.

The word "unconscious" can substitute the word "judgmental".

Originally Posted by seeker5

Thus, instead of seeing what you can learn from our answers, aren't you instead being judgmental toward our suggestions?

I am not font of suggestions that are bluntly judgmental, and lack of depth.

Originally Posted by seeker5

Isn't it the same thing you are doing toward that girl - judging why she is doing what she is doing instead and trying to get more info out of her instead of letting her be free?

Who said that I was judging the girl? Someone's mind perhaps? Everything there happened for a reason. And I was trying to figure out that reason. Out of curiousity. I was not hard to her at all. Our conversation became difficult because she was so sad. There was nothing else that could be said appart from what had been said.

Originally Posted by seeker5

Regardless, since you express that what I wrote to be too judgmental, and you don't like that, remind me not to offer any more advice/suggestions when you ask for them .

Your suggestions are always welcome.
I like these forums. All members here are special.
I said thanks to all of those who contributed to this thread regardless of their tone.

[seeker5]

Alex,

If you aren't getting the results you want, then there is a problem in your behavior and attitude.

You stated in the original post:

That “leave me alone, I don’t want to share my problem with you” response is familiar to me and it mostly comes from females.

Well, let me tell you. It seems that the women in my life share their problems often with me - whether I want them to or not. In general it seems to me women love to share their problems. So, if you're not experiencing that, then the problem isn't the women you come into contact, but with the way you act, and with your mindset.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

We're individuals. Some of us want stuff fixed.

And some of us men are individuals too. We don't want all our stuff fixed either. Sometimes we just wanna talk about our problems so we can figure them out ourselves, without getting other people to try to fix them.