relationship help

[shmedo]

Ok well, a few months back is when the problem started. My girlfriend and i have been together for 8 months now and we met over the internet. It's long distance and we live about 5 hours apart. Anyway i crushed her trust, i had a crush on another girl for a while, and didnt tell her straight away. Anyway eventually she found out and we worked through it, then after i promised id never talk to her again, i did. I NEVER cheated on her though. So now, it's all weird with us. She says she doesnt know how much she loves me, doesnt know if she wants to be together. And now she doesnt tell me she loves me as much as she used to or act as affectionate, takes forever to reply with txt messages and when she does they're really short or nothing to do with what ive said and barely speaks to me on msn. I have a feeling she does want to break up but i really don't want to lose her. She doesnt think we can ever be the same or good again but i do, and also says she feels like we're growing apart and aren't going to work out because of the distance, but she used to say the distance and such wasn't a problem so i dunno what's changed. I know ive messed up really bad but please tell me how i can fix it and earn her trust back!

[sheffy4]

What exactly is this relationship giving you that you don't want to give up?
Why are you holding onto it so tightly?
It might help to make a pros and cons list about the relationship just to try to see the big picture. Maybe make a list of pros and cons about staying with her, and then a pros and cons list of breaking up.
This may not give you a clear answer, but at least it will get you thinking about things from a bigger perspective.

[Angela]

The funny thing about women is once they're done with you, they're done, and it's pretty rare to be able to get back on the same track. I would forget about trying to revitalize or "fix" this relationship, and focus on a new, inspiring way of being with her. You'll have to completely interrupt the pattern and adopt an entirely new way of being with her if you want to start fresh and generate a romantic relationship that works.

As part of your new way of being, I would acknowledge what happened in your old one. One mistake I can see you made was acting as though you were in a committed relationship when you had only been seeing her for less than eight months, and in a long-distance situation to boot. It's perfectly natural for you to have attraction for another woman, even if you'd been together for a long time. But less than eight months of five hours apart? That's not enough togetherness for you to make an informed choice about whether to commit to a loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR). It sounds like you skipped over the getting to know each other dating phase and went straight to intimacy, and that is a recipe for disaster.

It's not hopeless, though. If I were you, I'd back off. I would tell her that you love her, and you feel like you've both rushed the relationship, and you'd like to renegotiate the relationship -- to be dating, NOT in a committed relationship. That will completely interrupt the pattern, and probably stun her a little. But it gives you both the chance to take a step back and look at what you've got with a little perspective, and see if you both want to be joyful volunteers in a LLTMBR, rather than grim, tense prisoners.

It might be really hard, but being bold is still much easier than helplessly watching her slip away and wondering what, oh what, you did wrong and how can you get her back?

[smartile]

Hi shmedo,

I don't think there is anything to fix. I dated a girl for 1 year, cheated on her and then tried to 'fix' the realtionship for 4 years afterwards. After the whole ordeal we ended up going our own separate ways and I did eventually meet a new girl.

Although it didn't work out with my older girlfriend I did realize that I would never cheat on anyone again - it was disrespectful, selfish and killed the trust in our relationship. I know you didn't cheat on your girlfriend but I thought sharing my story would be of insight.

Trust isn't something you switch on like a light - it takes time and patience to build.

[ThoughtAddict]

Angela's right, and you'd do well to listen to her. Trying to fix a relationship is a very tough thing even when both people want to fix it. Like it or not, if your girlfriend doesn't want to be with you, there is nothing you can or should do to try and change that. She has the right to make her own choices, just as you do. It may be that you should let this go with love...
If your girlfriend does want to work on fixing it, then Angela's advice sounds about right. One word of caution, though, do not let that new way of being with her be one that is hard for you to sustain. Do not try to force changes in how you act that you cannot maintain when things get hard.