Soul mate? Love and life partner? Both?

[Gene]

I have been thinking about relationships and soul mates lately. I am in a committed relationship and it is clear to both me and my partner that we are not soul mates. Today another person I trust communicated to me that she did not believe I and my partner were “soul mates” agreeing with my own assessment.

I would like to start a discussion about soul mates and life partners and how crucial or important you believe it is both partner and soul mate to share the same body.

I will start the conversation by saying that I really am not sure if it is necessary for a partner to be your soul mate.

Maybe.

I don’t know.

Time will tell.

Gene

[Trina]

I think first you must define "soul mate".

[fourthdan]

Well, I'm still searching for my soul-mate / love-life partner.

My definition of soulmate is someone who is so connected to you, you can feel it in your souls. You feel as if it transcends love.

But i have no idea how to "find" a soul mate. I believe it's more about finding a life partner and then MAKING that person your soulmate by connecting with them. Efforts need to be put into anything that has the potential. Every seed lies within it the potential to be an oak, but without consistent water and nutrients, it won't make it.

[Gene]

Originally Posted by fourthdan

My definition of soul mate is someone who is so connected to you, you can feel it in your souls. You feel as if it transcends love.

That statement would describe my idea of what soul mate means.

Trina, Thank you for asking me for my definition. The question made me think in a different way for a moment.

Gene

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Gene

That statement would describe my idea of what soul mate means.

Trina, Thank you for asking me for my definition. The question made me think in a different way for a moment.

Gene

Now that you've got your own defintion of what a soul mate is, may I also ask the next question:

What needs to happen or be present before you can feel connected with your partner?

[fourthdan]

1) Trust and Honesty (they are complimentary)
2) Similar mental wavelengths (ability to converse seriously AND have silly fun together)
3) Effort, Effort, Effort (put into compromise, understanding, interest, and the other person's priorities)

[placebo]

I think we are searching for someone who is similiar to us so he/she can understand us and also partially different which don't allow relationship to become boring

When one look in her eyes tells her more than words and one little smile gives her enough happiness to survive hard day, she is on the right way to be my soulmate.

[David Hausladen]

When I think about the idea of a soul mate, I think about the fact that we make decisions about our lives before we are ever born--who our parents will be, what will probably happen in our lives, what we want to learn from this life, and so on. So I believe that there are certain people that we choose (and who choose us) to work together during our time on Earth to mutually further our spiritual evolution. A soul mate would be one of these people who is destined to become your lover (though I don't know if "destined" is a good word to use, since this "destiny" is created from our own choice and can be changed by our own free-will decisions here on Earth). With this definition, you could have no soul mates, or more than one--any lover who assists your spiritual evolution would be a soul mate, even one who is not your lover for the rest of your life, or who you choose not to marry.

I acknowledge that my definition is on a purely spiritual wavelength and lacks the emotional substance of some of the others here, but I think most of these are talking about qualities that are important to being lovers, whether or not you and another person are also soul mates. I'm not trying to say that the qualities of lovers aren't important--on the contrary, they are practically essential to a soul mate relationship! And the high vibration which good relationships promote is spiritual progress in and of itself, whether from a soul mate relationship or any other. But there is a difference between what's simply a strong, loving relationship and what's a soul mate relationship. One is only in the emotional aspect, while the other is a cooperation of the emotional and spiritual aspects.

Originally Posted by fourthdan

I believe it's more about finding a life partner and then MAKING that person your soulmate by connecting with them.

I agree: since we have free will, I see no reason why we couldn't create a soul mate relationship out of a loving relationship--even if it wasn't decided before we were born--by mutually defining a spiritual purpose to that relationship and then working together toward that purpose. So it's not as if a relationship is ever "condemned" to be mundane and non-spiritual in nature.

[Markus74]

Do you really think there is one, and only one, soul mate for everyone?

[geekchic9]

Originally Posted by Markus74

Do you really think there is one, and only one, soul mate for everyone?

I doubt it. Some people may have one, some people may have none, some people may have more than one. I don't have any proof of this hypothesis, but I have heard of people whose soul mates have died, and then afterwards, they managed to find another soul mate.

[kthdsn]

I think there is a scale of compatibility, you might be highly compatible with some people and not very compatible with others. The key is to find someone you are compatible enough with to care deeply about each other and want to share your lives with each other.

If you're not compatible enough with your current partner, find someone you fit better with. If you feel the need for a deeper connection, chances are the compatibility is too low.

I can't possibly imagine that there is just one person who is perfect for each of us, that's a crazy assumption.

I think the question of a soul mate depends on what you mean by soul mate. I don't think I have a deep spiritual connection with my husband, but I don't think I have one with anyone else either. I am, however, sure that I want to share my life with him.

I disagree with the person above who said effort is important. A good relationship is easy and natural. My marriage takes no effort at all. Of course sometimes we don't see eye to eye, but it's not about agreeing all the time. It's about trust, honesty, and caring about each other. I care about my husband so much that making him happy comes easily to me. I always tell him the truth as I see it, and I believe without doubt that he feels the same way about me.

[Gene]

Originally Posted by Markus74

Do you really think there is one, and only one, soul mate for everyone?

I've been thinking a lot about what a soulmate is and about the possibility of multiple soulmates in life.

I believe I have had several soulmates in life already and life in this plane is not yet complete for me. It is also true for me that some of those who I had that connection with that I describe as being soulmates was not a romantic sexual - love relationship.

Gene

[Gene]

Originally Posted by Dating Specialist

Now that you've got your own defintion of what a soul mate is, may I also ask the next question:

What needs to happen or be present before you can feel connected with your partner?

I do feel connected to my partner. It is just not a connection in the way I understand "soul mate."

Is my dilemma a labeling problem, an expectation problem, or is it really a problem created in order to experience problems? I have so many questions!

What I know is:

I spend time with my partner and we both work at nourishing our relationship and building on the love that we have for each other.

I am committed to the relationship and I believe she is also committed to the relationship.

We talk to each other about important stuff and are intimate emotionally and intellectually as well as physically.

This is the most functional romantic relationship I have had in my life. By functional I mean that I know where the boundaries are and do not mistake myself for her or her for myself emotionally or otherwise.

I have had some spectacularly dysfunctional relationships and this is new territory for me.

So rather than put a lot of expectations on my Life with Mai (my partner) I believe I will accept the "what is" of this moment. This moment is nice.

Thanks for listening to a pilgrim on the journey!
Gene

[Brendon Colby]

I picked up the book "Messages from You Angels" by Doreen Virtue on a whim the other day. In it she channels messages from various angels. There is a section of questions and answers, one of the questions being "how do I tell if my partner is my soul mate?" The gist of the answer is that even being soul mates does not assure a person of happiness in a relationship due to various reasons (shifting interests, etc.). Plus I believe (and someone else mentioned this too) that a soul mate doesn't necessarily have to be someone of the opposite sex who is a love partner. Your best friend could be a soul mate. The rest of the message was that building trust and sharing the contents of your heart in such an environment with your partner are more important.

It sounds like you're on the right track Gene.

[elainevdw]

I think you can have a soul mate, and you can have a life partner, and they don't have to be the same person. Why does your soul mate have to be a romantic relationship?

If you only have one soul mate, there's no guarantee that you will meet them at the right time to be together. There's not even a guarantee that you'll both be the right genders for your sexual orientation. But anybody is capable of having a fulfilling, lifelong romantic relationship, and there are many different people who, depending on the circumstances, can fall into that role.

And I do think that some people are meant to have a romantic, lifelong partnership with their soul mate... it's just not necessary to lead a fulfilling life.

That's my take, at least.

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by Brendon Colby

I picked up the book "Messages from You Angels" by Doreen Virtue on a whim the other day. In it she channels messages from various angels. There is a section of questions and answers, one of the questions being "how do I tell if my partner is my soul mate?" The gist of the answer is that even being soul mates does not assure a person of happiness in a relationship due to various reasons (shifting interests, etc.).

That's interesting. I met someone a long time ago and for ten years I knew in my heart that she was the one I would always be with. But for some reason, it never worked out.

Either that, or I was young and naive but I choose to go with my romantic side

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Gene

I do feel connected to my partner. It is just not a connection in the way I understand "soul mate."

Is my dilemma a labeling problem, an expectation problem, or is it really a problem created in order to experience problems? I have so many questions!

What I know is:

I spend time with my partner and we both work at nourishing our relationship and building on the love that we have for each other.

I am committed to the relationship and I believe she is also committed to the relationship.

We talk to each other about important stuff and are intimate emotionally and intellectually as well as physically.

This is the most functional romantic relationship I have had in my life. By functional I mean that I know where the boundaries are and do not mistake myself for her or her for myself emotionally or otherwise.

I have had some spectacularly dysfunctional relationships and this is new territory for me.

So rather than put a lot of expectations on my Life with Mai (my partner) I believe I will accept the "what is" of this moment. This moment is nice.

Thanks for listening to a pilgrim on the journey!
Gene

Hey Gene, it looks like you are enjoying a fulfulling and loving relationship with Mai. That's great isn't it? Congrats!

I guess your question popped up because you may want to connect on a different level with Mai, something that's beyond words or actions. Am I right to say this?

How connected are you two spiritually? Do you share the same faith?

I'm asking this not because I'm suggesting soul mates have to be connected spiritually, but it does help to a certain degree if you have that. I just thought maybe this question can help light up some internal cells to give you some clue?

And yes, I agree with many others that there could be soul mates with no romantic interest, as there will be a loving and lasting relationship with a life partner but not necessarily be able to transcend into becoming a soul mate.

But really, do not give yourself added stress on this issue. Ultimately, what is the outcome and expectation you have from this relationship and from Mai? If you have achieved them, then continue doing those things that you did right and just enjoy the connection you have.

It's really very precious to find such a person whom you love and who loves you back dearly in life.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by kthdsn

I disagree with the person above who said effort is important. A good relationship is easy and natural. My marriage takes no effort at all. Of course sometimes we don't see eye to eye, but it's not about agreeing all the time. It's about trust, honesty, and caring about each other. I care about my husband so much that making him happy comes easily to me. I always tell him the truth as I see it, and I believe without doubt that he feels the same way about me.

Hmm, why did you say that kthdsn? Don't you find that to keep a relationship alive, loving and fulfilling needs effort from each person?

Why is a good relationship easy and natural? Are you referring to the understanding of each other part, or is it because compromsing to you is not an issue at all since you are so motivated to making your husband happy and that naturally becomes your first priority? I'm just keen to know as it sounds like you are such a happy couple, and you're doing it like a breeze! Whoo

I know most relationships do need effort, some lots of it. For eg, imagine your partner and you are both very busy in their careers, and if none of you are willing to make the effort to make time for each other (sit down and chat, go out for movies/dinner) then do you think the relationship can last or will be a happy one?

Originally Posted by Alvin

That's interesting. I met someone a long time ago and for ten years I knew in my heart that she was the one I would always be with. But for some reason, it never worked out.

Either that, or I was young and naive but I choose to go with my romantic side

Hmm, how do you know and to know for 10 year???

And, why didn't it work out? (Just a question for you to ponder, don't have to post if it's too private. Or juicy! haha )

[Gene]

Originally Posted by Dating Specialist

Hey Gene, it looks like you are enjoying a fulfulling and loving relationship with Mai. That's great isn't it? Congrats!

I guess your question popped up because you may want to connect on a different level with Mai, something that's beyond words or actions. Am I right to say this?

How connected are you two spiritually? Do you share the same faith?

I'm asking this not because I'm suggesting soul mates have to be connected spiritually, but it does help to a certain degree if you have that. I just thought maybe this question can help light up some internal cells to give you some clue?

I and Mai are both nominally Christian. Mai is a protestant and I am a Catholic pursuing a spiritual path outside the church. We share a belief in a power of the universe that we call God and that the essense of God as we understand is God=Love.

A part of me does desire that deep connection I use the term soul mate to describe. I love her and enjoy having her as my partner.

We have a son who will soon be two years old. Part of the joy I experience in my life today is as a result of my relationship with Mai and with my son Dave. It is nice to be a father by choice and a partner by choice.

In truth I experience a great deal of joy in my life.

A traveler on the journey.
Gene

[Dating Specialist]

Hey, why not put your heads together, literally sticking your heads together, and see if you can each guess what the other is visualsing in his/her head? Use a good moment and just lay there, focusing on his/her thoughts.

Haha, who knows, you may hit the right notes and trigger off that moment leading you into the soulmately connection?

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by Dating Specialist

Hmm, how do you know and to know for 10 year???

And, why didn't it work out? (Just a question for you to ponder, don't have to post if it's too private. Or juicy! haha )

Tee hee, this is gonna be embarrassing

I can't describe it, when I saw her I just knew, and for a long time she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen, which is pretty illogical seeing as there are supermodel ads around us all the time, but it was something I felt.

I'd even dream about her, and the level of attraction for her was something I'd never felt for anyone else.

The back-story is a tad long to go into, but the caveat is that I never really knew her at all, we went out but briefly a few times over the years, we weren't even together enough to be together, but I'd never felt that inspired to care and do things for someone as I'd had for her (I wrote her poems, gee )

Haha, looking back on it, I guess you could say it was one massive crush, except I choose to be a little lenient on myself and let my romantic dreamer hold sway on the brief moments we had

[kthdsn]

Originally Posted by Dating Specialist

Hmm, why did you say that kthdsn? Don't you find that to keep a relationship alive, loving and fulfilling needs effort from each person?

Why is a good relationship easy and natural? Are you referring to the understanding of each other part, or is it because compromsing to you is not an issue at all since you are so motivated to making your husband happy and that naturally becomes your first priority? I'm just keen to know as it sounds like you are such a happy couple, and you're doing it like a breeze! Whoo

I know most relationships do need effort, some lots of it. For eg, imagine your partner and you are both very busy in their careers, and if none of you are willing to make the effort to make time for each other (sit down and chat, go out for movies/dinner) then do you think the relationship can last or will be a happy one?

I don't feel that my marriage is an effort in any way at all. I enjoy spending time with husband and it just comes easily to me. I don't have to juggle other things to fit him in, because being with him is what I want to do above anything else. He feels the same way about me.

We simply wouldn't choose a career or job that didn't allow us to spend time together. In fact he deliberately chose his job because it fits in around our family life and allows us to spend the most time together.

We don't really TRY to make things work, they just automatically fall into place. It's as if we're the perfect fit for each other and when we met, we just slotted together. When I go off to do something on my own I can't wait to get back and share it with him. I can't wait to hear about what he has been up to. There is just no effort needed.

[Alarin]

Originally Posted by kthdsn

I think there is a scale of compatibility, you might be highly compatible with some people and not very compatible with others. The key is to find someone you are compatible enough with to care deeply about each other and want to share your lives with each other.

I completely agree with this! I think you can make any relationship successful if you're willing to work hard at it. I am incredibly blessed to be married to my soulmate but it still takes quite a bit of work to keep the marriage running smoothly. We have been married for 9 years now (I am 28, my husband 31) and we've had our ups and downs but through it all these things have kept our love for each other very strong:

- Mutual respect
- Complete honesty
- Good communication
- Being proud of each other's achievements
- Total trust
- Never taking each other for granted
- Making time to spend together (very important, especially if you're both working 40+ hr weeks)

I also strongly believe in never criticizing your partner as this can be so damaging. Ironically I see it all the time in my own parents and parents-in-law where the wife criticizes the husband for not doing something or for eating the wrong food / not exercising etc, and it never actually gets results and at the same time creates resentment which is extremely damaging to any relationship.

My husband and I work so much better by simply using encouragement and thank yous, for example - if my husband has forgotten to put his socks in the washing basket for the 1006th time I don't nag him about it I just politely ask him to take care of it, which he usually does almost immediately, and then I thank him! It did take me a while to learn to do this - it feels weird to have to thank someone for something you think they should do in the first place - but it's so very beneficial and I can contribute a large amount of our success together as a couple to this one thing alone.

[Radical]

Personally, I don't really believe in soul mates. I think it's more of a case of a man and a woman being in the right place at the right time. If they both find each other attractive, both on the inside and outside, then they will likely fall in love.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by kthdsn

I don't feel that my marriage is an effort in any way at all. I enjoy spending time with husband and it just comes easily to me. I don't have to juggle other things to fit him in, because being with him is what I want to do above anything else. He feels the same way about me.

We simply wouldn't choose a career or job that didn't allow us to spend time together. In fact he deliberately chose his job because it fits in around our family life and allows us to spend the most time together.

We don't really TRY to make things work, they just automatically fall into place. It's as if we're the perfect fit for each other and when we met, we just slotted together. When I go off to do something on my own I can't wait to get back and share it with him. I can't wait to hear about what he has been up to. There is just no effort needed.

Wow !!! .....

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Radical

Personally, I don't really believe in soul mates. I think it's more of a case of a man and a woman being in the right place at the right time. If they both find each other attractive, both on the inside and outside, then they will likely fall in love.

Hey Radical, you're talking about falling in love. Yes when you're attracted to each other on the various levels, you fall in love.

But staying in love is another thing. And to love someone is again yet another thing altogether. A soul mate is much more than just being in love and staying in love.

You don't have to believe what I say though ... you can experience it yourself when you're in love! Go get your girl haha, since now you've concluded that having girlfriend is good.

[always loved]

Het Gene,

I have found that it most definitely is NOT required for your partner to be your soulmate.

As of this weekend I have been happily married for 6 years. In October of this year my soulmate will have been happily married for 4. My husband and my soulmate are the closest to people you will ever meet. His wife and I are also. All 4 people involved know that he and I love eachother in a way that is beyond this plane of existance, also that he and I have known eachother for all our lives together. yes we both believe in reincarnation and know full well we have shared all lives together.
May sound strange to some, I know, but that is the way it is and we could no more give one another up than to stop breathing!!!

[James81]

I don't think you can have only *one* soulmate.

I believe there are a handful of people out there who can be your soulmate.

[marinik]

Originally Posted by James81

I don't think you can have only *one* soulmate.

I believe there are a handful of people out there who can be your soulmate.

This time I must confess that I agree with you.

It is nice when your partner is you soul mate. Mine used to be. People change so much over the decades. Sometimes it even hurts. I don't think they stop being your soul mate on purpose. But they do. And you stop being theirs. The worst thing is they start taking you for granted. The Hungarians have a great saying "Even the most beautiful women is boring for someone." You get used to the good things so easily!

Now I have a different soul mate. And everything is so easy with him. Would it be in 20 years?

[James81]

Originally Posted by marinik

This time I must confess that I agree with you.

Once you start down the dark path.....