Negative husband is hurting me

[Petals]

Hello people, I'm new to this forum. I found my way here because I'm really despairing over a problem.

My husband is the most negative and skeptical person I know. He believes everyone is out to con him. Everyone is evil/guilty until proven innocent. He complains about people and politics all the time and comes up with conspiracy theories about everything with alarming regularity.

He focuses on all the bad stuff that happens to him, always exclaiming that he's unlucky, and never remembers the good stuff that happens (even if I try to gently remind him from time to time).

Well, he believes in horoscope and karma, so I sometimes use that to veer him into positive thinking, telling him that negative energy breeds negative results and bad luck. He sort of listens to me for a moment, but then lapses back the next moment.

I discovered LOA very recently and excitedly introduced it to him. I told him the basics: "like attracts like", "thoughts become things". And then I briefly mentioned how LOA can be used to achieve big goals.

He trivialized the whole thing. "Ok, I shall start visualising myself winning the lottery. I'll believe your LOA if I win a million bucks by the end of the week."

I think the main problem is HE doesn't feel that HE needs to change. There is nothing wrong with him as far as he's concerned. It's the world and other people that need to change.

HOW in the world do I deal with such a husband? Ok, I know I've made him out to be a total jerk, but he does have many great stuff about him to make up for the negativity. I love him dearly and I want to help him.

I have read threads in here saying to ignore the negative vibes and not try to change people because they can't be changed. But I'm really having trouble with it.

We're only married 1.5 years and it's my wish that we grow together. I want our marriage to be about partnership and sharing. If I have to see him get eaten up by negativity for the rest of our lives without being able to do anything about it, I don't know if I can stay in the marriage.

Every time he says something negative, I feel like it's as good as he's slashed himself with a razorblade. It hurts me to see him hurt himself. I want to stop him doing that, but I don't want to be a nag.

How do I stop it hurting me? It's just killing me. If anyone can help me, I would really appreciate it.

Thank you for reading.

[JimOfferman]

Hi Petals!

Welcome

Originally Posted by Petals

I think the main problem is HE doesn't feel that HE needs to change.

Bingo!

And now you are stuck not accepting him exactly for what he is and what he is not. That is your problem, not his.

I have read threads in here saying to ignore the negative vibes and not try to change people because they can't be changed.

I don't think that is the overall tenure here. Rather, our collective experience learns that people do change, but only when they want to change. Also, that we cannot force a change in others - only in ourselves.

But I'm really having trouble with it.

I can imagine.

How do I stop it hurting me? It's just killing me. If anyone can help me, I would really appreciate it.

All you can do, really, is choose to not be affected by it. Let him sulk and 'enjoy' his little conspiracy theories... if that is what he wants, what can you do? Well, maybe you can also lead by example in being positive.

Good luck!

[cela]

Hi Petals, welcome!

I hope wiser souls will come in and respond for you soon, but I thought I'd share my thoughts.

It must be incredibly hard for you to see your husband being so negative all the time, it certainly makes it difficult to keep your own spirits up.

Unfortunately, here's the kicker:

I think the main problem is HE doesn't feel that HE needs to change. There is nothing wrong with him as far as he's concerned. It's the world and other people that need to change. ... I have read threads in here saying to ignore the negative vibes and not try to change people because they can't be changed. But I'm really having trouble with it.

The reason many threads in here say 'ignore the negative vibes, try not to change people', is because it's true. Oh, how I wish it weren't! The only thing we can control is our reaction to other peoples' negativity. I know many people of the 'woe is me, I'm so unlucky, people/politics suck' persuasion, and you have to be strong not to buy into the pity party. You have to be the example of the fact that we make our own happiness, and you can do that by going about your life and letting it speak for itself.

Now, of course, it's a little more difficult when that person is your husband, purely because of the amount of time you spend together, and because you love them! But if HE doesn't think he has a problem, then don't let it be one for you - deflect any comments cheerily, or use the old "That's nice, dear" :P

It takes some practice, catching your emotions 'in the moment', but we ALWAYS have a choice as to how we react to another's comments.

Keep up the positivity!

[cela]

Damn, seems Jim beat me to it! :P

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by cela

Damn, seems Jim beat me to it! :P

Sorry!

[Petals]

Thanks for the comments, guys! I feel better after reading them.

One important thing I neglected to mention was that sometimes I would get into an argument with my husband over this issue. I know it's really counter-productive, but he frustrates me so much that I just lash out at him. And he thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

I guess I really need to work on not letting his negativity affect me because I feel really awful every time we have an argument.

[CPUNeck]

Morning Petals...

There is some good advice on here, I'm certain your situation can be impacted from information gleaned here.

Now, this will be of interest to ya, I'm that guy! For years the eternal pessimist. Still take pride in my ability to find at least 5 things about any given situation that are horrible, to everyone one you could come up with good.

Good news is I've been married 18 wonderful years and my wife sounds EXACTLY like you . Early on we had some candid conversations concerning people we generally liked to be around. Funny thing, we both agreed negative people were a drag. (Generally, at the time, I didn't view myself in that category even though I squarely was.) My wife then would point out how people could view my rants as "negative" etc. Of course it wasn't a matter of one discussion, nor did she nag every day, but she was vigilant. Her final correction tool was this simple response..., "O.k., but what's good about it?"

That simple statement use to kill me. I'd be in the "heat" of battle, uncovering how this was second only to satin himself and suddenly all this rain would come rushing down on my parade. Bless her heart, my love still does that every now and then just for ol'e times sake.

I feel so much better now in every respect since I consciously choose to look at the positives. Ultimately he will need to "want the change", but helping him realize when he's being negative may speed that along.

[Statikkk]

I'm curious about the idea of not letting the emotions of a negative person affect you, and instead letting your own positivity influence them.

Practically speaking, how is this done? If one person is on a "woe is me" rant, and the other person is frustrated with their constant talk about being unlucky, what are the actual steps that can be taken to prevent yourself from being affected, save completely shutting the person out?

"That's nice, dear" sounds easy but is it really that simple? If anything, to me that creates a further gap between you and the other person, or gives them the impression that you feel you are above them and therefore don't need to listen.

So outside of actually trying to talk the person into positivity, how can one deal with these types of situations?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Statikkk

So outside of actually trying to talk the person into positivity, how can one deal with these types of situations?

I had a partner who was pretty negative. For me what seemed to work was listening with empathy when he would complain or get angry about an apparent wrong done to him. The thing is that I wouldn't tell him he should get over it because he was so negative or try to convince him things could be better if he had a better attitude and didn't play victim. What happened was when I listened with the intent to understand, I saw the underlying pain that was the precursor to all the negativity. And when I sought to understand that it was easier to separate the way he was acting from who he really is.

It seemed like when I would behave in this way, the end result would be that, without my saying anything to the effect, he would conclude that it wasn't doing any good to dwell.

The jist is that when I resisted or complained about the negativity it grew.

Not sure if that's helpful, but I felt it worked better for me.

[BamBam]

ditch the zero, get with the hero

Tonight. Shall we say, 9:00?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Petals

It's just killing me.

Hi, Petals. Maybe you'd like to take a bold look at who exactly is being negative. I had to really scour your post to find anything even slightly positive that you had to say about your husband or your relationship, and only found one tiny positive line hidden among all your complaining about him.

Your desires for the relationship are positive, though; that's clear. You want everyone to be joyful and growing. The bad news is you can't control another person's thoughts emotions, but the great news is that you can control your own -- and thus influence and inspire others. So, why not focus on generating joy and growth for yourself? When a person who is generating joy and growth for herself is confronted by the negative thoughts and words of others (or her own!), she simply accepts and acknowledges them, lets them go, and takes her next right, inspired action. It takes courage and practice, but it works if you want to generate a life you love. Taking 100% responsibility for that means: granting your husband the freedom to be exactly as he is and exactly as he isn't. It sounds hard, but there is no trick to it. It's one of those "Just Do It" actions -- and it takes practice.

Your husband is absolutely right -- he doesn't need to change, and there is nothing wrong with him. Your power begins with accepting and acknowledging that, and listening to him with the generosity that you would like to be listened to with.

Good luck with your practice in living a life you love!

[The Cloud]

If you want him to stop ranting around you, there are steps you can take. You can't change him, he has to think he needs to change before he'll be open to doing so. What you can do is leave the room every time he starts talking about something negative. If he asks why, say that you don't want to have to listen to him speak so negatively, and have better things to do. Don't say it as if he's wrong and bad and should want to change for talking negatively, simply state it as a fact; you're just not interested in listening to it.

Since he's great in so many other ways, you should be able to spend plenty of time with him when he's not talking about conspiracies, and if you show him that you aren't going to listen to such talk then you'll have even more quality time with him. You can't change what he says, but you can change whether you're around to hear it.

[wolfgang]

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change first.

I would say something like {aspiring_to_clarity} said. Listen with being curious about what he is really saying. Reflective listen - echo back what he says when you see it as negative. Not verbatim. Just as a way to get him to kind of listen to himself some. He might not realize what he sounds like.

Maybe you could ask him what it feels like to be that way, out of curiosity. Or "how is that working for you?"

Almost a case of "if you can't beat him, join him". You can't beat him (make him change) but you can join him. But not in the sense of turning into him and being the way he his but in the sense of letting his words be heard through you back at him. That will give you something to do instead of judging his negativity and having reactions. And also give him a chance to hear himself so that he may step back and wonder if he wants to be that way.

You can also try to exaggerate what he says. That could point out the absurdity of what he says. Like, you know maybe you are right and so and so is probably on their way over now to set the record straight. maybe something like this. I just know sometimes if someone is negative and they encounter someone that agrees with them or even pretends to - the negative person sometimes get a 180 feeling. Like, "woah I was expecting you to argue back and I don't really think that way, I just like the drama of you getting upset at me."

[cela]

Yay! I knew those wise souls would come!

Lots more helpful advice. Statikk's post made me want to clarify some of my own thoughts on the practicalities of not letting the negativity affect you.

Firstly, my use of "That's nice, dear!" is always playful, never dismissive - be careful of that phrase, actually - 'incorrect use could be harmful'

Everybody wants and needs to be heard, and you should always 'listen with the intent to understand', as {aspiring} said. There's no magic in the next practical steps: it's ever so easy to start the argument dance, and I certainly don't have a 'script' that will somehow diffuse the situation. You just have to be present and 'take your next, right, inspired action' (nice, Angela). We don't know what that is for you, in every situation, and yes, it takes practice, but the pure act of making the decision in the moment, should produce at least a different path, instead of the well-worn argument one.

Good luck!

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by Petals

We're only married 1.5 years and it's my wish that we grow together. I want our marriage to be about partnership and sharing. If I have to see him get eaten up by negativity for the rest of our lives without being able to do anything about it, I don't know if I can stay in the marriage.

Petals,

You're getting ahead of yourself. You only have to get through today. Imagining what may happen years down the road -- well, you're just going to over-estimate it. If your husband is never as sunny as you, it doesn't necessarily spell disaster. Objectively, most of the problem today is how you are reacting, not how he's acting.

Let me ask you this. Is your husband down on you for being positive? Does her make fun of it? (Or maybe a better question is, did he make fun of it before you started riding his case about being negative)?

It might be helpful to start by not making any value judgments about where you husband is at in his head. A pessimist views himself as a realist. He doesn't want to be disappointed, so assumes the worst and then the only surprises are pleasant ones. This is a way of coping that has apparently served him well enough until now -- he couldn't change it overnight if he wanted to. And HE'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE IT BECAUSE YOU THINK HE SHOULD AND REMIND HIM OF IT ALL THE TIME. On the other hand if YOU live a positive, affirming, gentle, loving life, he will be attracted to that and will be MUCH more likely to change. He'll see that you have something he admires and wants. Your task is not to nag him into being positive, but to model positiveness for him. Besides, doing that will tend to rub off on him -- raise his level of positiveness. That doesn't necessarily cost you anything. Nor does it mean he'll be able to sustain it by himself. But it will make your life together more pleasant while he grows in this area.

There is a fly in the ointment, though. Your husband (from your description, which I'm assuming isn't overblown) sounds like he hasn't figured out that life will not conform to his expectations. He hasn't accepted that he needs to figure out what is, and adjust HIMSELF accordingly. Thus he's constantly ticked off when life doesn't go as he thinks it SHOULD. He doesn't realize that it just "is what it is" and when things go good or bad, that's just information that he can use to be better adjusted and not ram his head into brick walls.

This rejection of "what is" can result in anger problems, which may or may not be an insurmountable future problem where he'd take it out on you. But let me tell you something. I was once that guy, and my late wife was once you, and my wife's tendency was to take this sort of "existential anger" directed at the universe or god or the fates, as something personally directed at her. It wasn't as towering as she thought it was. I would not (and never did) raise a finger to her, nor even take it out on her. I wasn't fun to listen to, but it was MY problem, not hers. So .... the take-away for you is, don't make his anger your problem. Let it be his. Don't make fun of it or belittle it either.

Don't engage his anger unless he directs it at you, out of the sheer need to have a throat -- any throat -- to choke. That is dangerous, and I think you need to draw a line in the sand there. And the earlier the better.

You speak of the need to be positive. I don't think you're being terribly positive about this. You're not modeling positivity to him in a way that would make it attractive. You're trying to change him, which is another way of saying you're being negative about him. Positivity is not something you apply selectively ... practice what you preach. Nothing pours cold water on a marriage more from a guy's perspective than his woman trying to change him. It's a rejection. Don't do it.

One last point for what it's worth -- you say you've been married 1.5 years. That may well mean that in recent months you've been emerging from the "infatuation" phase of the relationship where you're content just to breathe the same air as him and can't see his faults, or perceive them as endearing qualities. This is the point in a marriage where that partner's "shadow" emerges and spoils all the fantasyland fun. It looks to me like your husband's shadow is his anger brought about by rejecting what is, and his general pessimism.

So here's a thought. Every weakness is also a strength, and every strength a weakness. You fell in love with the guy and married him, so you must have admired something about him. For example, if you're a dreamy type, you may have admired his pessimism as pragmatism / realism / strength (just an example). Ask yourself what the POSITIVE side of these attitudes are and how they make him what he is (and who you love). This might help you to cope better, and to be more kind, forbearing and nuanced in helping him in his struggles, and to keep it all in perspective.

Best of luck,

--Bob

[ThoughtAddict]

There are some smart people here! Petals, be positive. Be happy. Enjoy life absolutely as much as you can every moment. You cannot and should not force a change in your husband. It will almost certainly fail. Even if it seems to work, the odds are that it will be forced and there will be resentment behind it. There is no manipulative way that works. Turning and walking out of the room probably isn't the right solution. Ignoring him isn't right, either.

You should be an absolute light in his life. Make him see that the world is not so dark. That not everybody here is that cold and scheming. Be the sun on a cold day, the cool breeze when it is oppressively hot, the water in a desert. Accept your husband as he is and aspire to be the person you seem to want to be. Your world can be absolutely positive. And you can give him the immeasurable gift of sharing your positive world with him. He can share his world with you. There is strength in understanding both. My favorite couple in the world has a wife who bubbles positivity and a husband who sees conspiracies and greed everywhere. They work so well together because he lets her lift him up and she lets him ground her. Their views conflict, at times, but they work so well because they both accept the other.

At one point in my life, I was all negativity, pessimism, and depression. Two girlfriends modeled happiness, joy, and life for me. I kept wondering how they could be so happy and bright in such a dark world. Out of curiosity, I started trying to be happy... and it worked. They both put up with all kinds of misery coming from my mouth and reminded me of how good the world could be. The key was that they didn't judge or try to change me, but just lived their happy life and showed me the bright world they saw.

You need to accept your husband, absolutely and completely. Accept that he sees a different world than you. Both of your views are equally valid. Work to understand his, and to show him yours.

[Petals]

Wow, thank you everyone for your advice. I'm blown away that you all bothered to read my rant and offer me the help I wanted. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

JimOfferman: What you said helped me understand that it isn't a bad thing to have a negative partner. That makes me feel better already.

Cela: I feel comforted by your empathy. I see the sense in deflecting negative comments cheerily, although it's going to be hard sticking doing that. But I'm going to assume that people have successfully used that strategy, so it must work and I must try. Worry not, I will use "That's nice, dear" with care.

CPUNeck: Thanks for sharing your experience! It gives me hope that all is not lost.

{aspiring_to_clarity}: I like what you said. I'm going to try what you suggested although it will be really hard at times. Like when he would complain even when it looks like it's his fault. For example: He loses his keys and asks his mom if she's seen them. She tells him she found it lying on the floor somewhere and put it on the table by the door. He goes and looks and sees the keys hiding being a decorative ornament on the table. He gets really mad and yells at her for hiding it, as if it's her fault that he dropped his keys in the first place. I really don't know how to handle tantrums like that!

BamBam: Thanks for the offer, but no thanks.

Angela: You're absolutely right. My post sounded nothing but negative. The reason for that is really that I felt that I didn't want my post to be too long because I didn't know if people would read it if it got too long, so I only typed the necessary information, which is the negative stuff.

Of course, I do have to admit that I AM being negative when I get depressed over my husband's negativity. And that's what I really need to learn how to deal with. What you said about granting my husband the freedom to be exactly as he is and isn't really struck me. It really does make sense but I think I'm going to really have to work at being truly positive in the face of negativity.

The Cloud: That's interesting. We live with his parents, and he likes to grumble to his mom and share his conspiray theories with her. I would leave whenever he gets into that state, hoping he'd ask me why, but he never does. lol. I don't know if I can leave the room when he's talking specifically to ME. I think it might be a little rude and might provoke an argument? I dunno.

wolfgang: Maybe reflecting listening might work at some cases, but perhaps not when he's, like, being racist or spouting conspiracy theories. If you give him too much attention and even agree with him on his points, wouldn't that encourage him to be that way more?

Well, we did talk about it before, actually, about why he's that way and why I'm my way. That's one of the great things about him. He's willing to listen if you talk to him nicely. Only problem is he will listen, and he might agree, and then the next day he will have forgotten everything about the conversation, lol.

But I like your idea of exaggerating what he says. That might work!

SonoranBob: Well, like I said, I only just discovered LOA. I have read about positive thinking in the past and believed in it, but I found that it doesn't work that well because sometimes I have a depression problem and it's hard to think positive at times.

To his credit, my husband doesn't put me down for being positive, although he might sometimes make fun of some of th LOA theories I try to share with him. He thinks I am too gullible and believe in everything I hear or read, so sometimes he tries to make me into more of a skeptic.

You're totally accurate in your description of pessimists. Because that's exactly how my husband explains it to me. And you're also totally right about me not modelling positivity very well. I married my husband knowing his strengths and weaknesses. I told myself I would accept them. But I started getting paranoid about his negativity when I started learning about positive thinking and LOA. I'm having trouble being positive while living with a negative!

But I think I can handle it better now that I've read what everyone has to say.

ThoughAddict: Thanks for your examples. I guess if it can work for others, it can work for me. I'll try my best to do what your girlfriends succeeded in doing.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Petals

Wow, thank you everyone for your advice. I'm blown away that you all bothered to read my rant and offer me the help I wanted. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

You're welcome. Nice to see you absorbing and considering what all have said too!

wolfgang: Maybe reflecting listening might work at some cases, but perhaps not when he's, like, being racist or spouting conspiracy theories. If you give him too much attention and even agree with him on his points, wouldn't that encourage him to be that way more?

Then when he is saying stuff you don't agree with, there's a way to reflective listen without having to agree. Actually the reflective listening can be just part of the exchange. Like first say back to him what he said, "so let me get what you are saying, you are saying so and so". But then your right, what if he keeps going on and on? Then reflect his statements with a tag of your own, like "I'm not sure I'm with you on that one." Something really subtle without telling him he's wrong (even though he might be) and not even really telling him what it is you believe, just that you aren't with him in what he's saying but still be able to feed back to him what he is saying. Your right though - don't want to encourage him to make you think you are listening in agreement, that's not really what reflective listening is - it's making sure the listener hears what the talker is saying and that the talker feels heard (even if the listener is not in agreement). Ideally it would go both ways. That he would become an empty listener for you to say whatever you think and he would say back what you said so you get to feel heard too.

Well, we did talk about it before, actually, about why he's that way and why I'm my way. That's one of the great things about him. He's willing to listen if you talk to him nicely. Only problem is he will listen, and he might agree, and then the next day he will have forgotten everything about the conversation, lol.

But I like your idea of exaggerating what he says. That might work!

That sounds good to at least have talks of the difference on this between you two. It's like a meta discussion that gets you out of the topic, perhaps. Like if he's entrenched in some rant, and you can bring it around to how that's a different approach and somehow get curiosity going about it, he might drop the rant and shift into the meta topic of his approach to ideas and your approach.

[The Cloud]

I admit that it's hard, but if you don't want to hear his conspiracy theories and such then it's the only option I can see as viable. It may seem a bit rude, and as if it would provoke an argument, but it's pretty hard to argue with somebody when they're walking away.

If you aren't interested in arguing, and aren't interested in listening to his conspiracy theories, then give that as justification for walking away. It's one of the hardest things in the world not to try to change those you love for their own good, but if you can learn to walk away from what you can't change and can't accept (listen to), then you'll likely be better off. Of course, if you're just going to let it degenerate into an argument, then don't bother, that defeats the whole purpose, which is to prevent you from getting worked up over something you can't change.