Honest review of my life so far

[Mat]

I realized that this is way too long so My question is about friendship. I want to know what qualities do you look for in a person, what kind of a person does it take to be a good friend. If you know of a book that you liked, or something similar. Many thanks.
The text bellow is too long, and I beet around the bush too much. So I summed up the text.


I hope I get some kind of response, to get to know different perspective on my life. I will be eternally grateful if you give me your opinion, or what else is on your mind.

I have wasted first 18 years of my life. I am not from rich background, but we are well of. I was spoilt, and had little respect for anything or anybody, and absolutely no goal. I realized that when I took a year of, because I wasn’t accepted to the college of my choice. I had much time to think. The first thing I realized: I have no friends; I missed people from my class, nobody was forced to be close to me anymore, you know. It was my fault, I was never kind, just rude. It was the same in primary school. Probably nobody that has known me has a good opinion of me. I am just so sorry because I was so mean to everybody.

I decided to change, and I got some self help material. I am much nicer to people, I stopped watching tv, and I have begun to read books. I feel better about this. And now I am thankful for my life.
The other thing is that I was quite fat. So I started going to gym. And I lost like 20 kg (40 pounds). But since the start of this school year I haven’t been to the gym. So I gained 10 kg back, and I have lost most of the muscle. This week I started exercising. And next week when I go back to college I will join gym again.

But problem is that I still have no friends. I certainly know why and how this happened. But it is hard, and I feel lonely, at times, it is very difficult to be thankful at times when I feel lonely, and sad. I don’t like my roommate much. And everybody that used to hang out with me was a loser, like me. Now I want to find somebody that wants to have a meaningful life, and wants to be a winner, and be my friend. It is difficult because everybody is in groups, and I don’t know many people. My parents are divorced, and my mother comes late from work. I am not looking for pity, but I don’t know what to do. I am scared to death because I don’t want to end alone. Like my mother of her sister she is also alcoholic. I don’t know maybe I just want too much, maybe I am greedy. Because I know I have to be thankful, I am lucky to be from Europe, and alive, and healthy.

Now I am 21, and next week I am going back to my business college. I want to finish it, and become a businessman. I want to be a winner. I meet a girl online. She is in going to college in a different country to be a doctor. She is a winner, she is smart, attractive, she likes to read, likes animals. I want to be a person who would attract her. I don’t know much about women, I have been only with 2, but they weren’t my girlfriends. I learned tricks how to be arrogant and to give back handed compliments and other pick up stuff. But I haven’t been on a date for 3 years. But I want to find a friend first. I figure that way I will go out, so I will have people to hang out with, and women will like that. On post secret, that is a site that you can send a postcard with you secret anonymously, there was one postcard with a cow saying: I am fat because I eat. I eat because I am alone. I am alone because I am fat. I don’t want that. But I have no idea what do. I know I don’t want to spend a birthday alone, go everywhere alone. And at home I am just destroying myself, I will never achieve anything, I will be forever a loser. Please advise me, I will be forever in your debts,

m

[JimOfferman]

You have to change your outlook from everything that's bad about you to everything that's good. Create a positive vibe for yourself. If you have that birthday on your own, make it the best darned alone birthday it can be! You're no loser, you're a winner! Think happy thoughts about you, be positive!

Why? Positive people attract friends and opportunities like honey to the bees. (Negative people have quite the opposite effect, more like water repelling fire)

Positive people have all the power!

[SonoranBob]

From what you wrote about wanting to be a winner, I take it you consider yourself to have been a loser. I would do some serious thinking about whether life is about winning or losing because it implies that when you win, someone else loses. It's a scarcity mentality. There is plenty of money, love, and influence to go around for everyone to share.

I would think more in terms of being real, loving, and having integrity, than in terms of "winning". I would think more in terms of being positive, fun, humble, secure and mature which will attract those kinds of people (including women) to you. You do not want to attract merely "winners" -- unless you define "winners" as people with integrity, courage, love, maturity, humility, and other such virtues, independent of how much the markeplace values their skills and qualities. Most people define "winners", though, as people who are popular and highly regarded, powerful, and/or wealthy. That's not the way forward. Not that there is anything wrong with popularity, power or wealth -- it's just that they are secondary concerns. What you want is a fulfilling and joyful life. Simply possessing things doesn't produce that.

I commend you for taking stock of your life and taking positive action to make good changes. You will have a set back now and then, don't flog yourself about gaining back some weight, just do what you're doing -- get back to the gym and keep going. But at the same time, do think deeply about what your values are, what you really care about, and the sort of people and causes you really want to devote yourself to. Don't be in a big hurry to adorn yourself with a woman to prove you're "not a loser". Relationships can be wonderful or they can be toxic ... you're still figuring out who you are and which way is up, so don't be in a hurry for serious relationships with specific people. Keep it light, meet a variety of women, learn the ropes. The median age for marriage is getting quite high -- it's about 27 years old in the US -- there is no hurry.

Hang in there, and good luck.

--Bob

[Mat]

Thank you. I mean a winner somebody that is happy and doing the right thing. I was a bit sad yesterday.