Abortion or not?

[mncz]

Hello, everyone.
I have to ask this and I hope for advice and support, since I am in a very bad place right now.

I have recently learned that I am pregnant from my ex. Since he is an emotionally abusive person (the kind that only wants attention to himself and his misery and tramples all over other people who try to help him), I see no possibility of us raising this kid together. He does not want the kid. He thinks that it would ruin his life (now consisting of mostly playing computer games, watching tv and dreaming of blonde skinny chicks (I am blonde! and quite skinny! and pretty! but nooo, I am too accessible and too loving). He says he is disgusted by the view of future with me and our baby in it. I gave him time to reconsider. I was caring and loving and understanding. Nop, no result. He wants me to get abortion right away. God, that got me crying all night.

So, no future there

It is still early weeks of the pregnancy and I am unsure of what to do. A baby is a responsibility. I want to give all the best to my children. I did not have a proper father and I know what a gaping emotional hole it leaves in persons life. I am sure I will have enough money to support both of us. But I cant give him (I already know the baby is a boy - I can just feel it) the love and care and knowledge that a father can give him. He will grow up and ask questions about his father and what will I tell him? How will he feel? Will other men ever want to have a relationship with me? How will my boy feel when I will be in relationship with a person who is not his father?

I don't feel ready. I have so much unstable positions in my life right now - no proper home, no drivers licence, no relationship, no safe future. I so want to enjoy life for a while, find myself. I just started out on making myself a better person, making plans for my life that are big and daring and would last, a life that would settle me and give me home and roots. Will I be able to make it while having a child to care about? (I know, how horrible and egoistic this sounds, but I have to ask this). Or will I be one of those always tired, angry, single moms who feel their life has been ruined/ended too soon by an unexpected child?

Then again, I believe that babies arrive for a reason. Perhaps my baby wants to have a life without his biological father? Perhaps he needs this lesson from this life? Who am I to decide?

Please don't judge me, I am really trying to make a responsible decision that would be best for everyone. I know perfectly clear that I will have to care for the child and there will be only a very limited support from other people.