Abortion or not?

[mncz]

Hello, everyone.
I have to ask this and I hope for advice and support, since I am in a very bad place right now.

I have recently learned that I am pregnant from my ex. Since he is an emotionally abusive person (the kind that only wants attention to himself and his misery and tramples all over other people who try to help him), I see no possibility of us raising this kid together. He does not want the kid. He thinks that it would ruin his life (now consisting of mostly playing computer games, watching tv and dreaming of blonde skinny chicks (I am blonde! and quite skinny! and pretty! but nooo, I am too accessible and too loving). He says he is disgusted by the view of future with me and our baby in it. I gave him time to reconsider. I was caring and loving and understanding. Nop, no result. He wants me to get abortion right away. God, that got me crying all night.

So, no future there

It is still early weeks of the pregnancy and I am unsure of what to do. A baby is a responsibility. I want to give all the best to my children. I did not have a proper father and I know what a gaping emotional hole it leaves in persons life. I am sure I will have enough money to support both of us. But I cant give him (I already know the baby is a boy - I can just feel it) the love and care and knowledge that a father can give him. He will grow up and ask questions about his father and what will I tell him? How will he feel? Will other men ever want to have a relationship with me? How will my boy feel when I will be in relationship with a person who is not his father?

I don't feel ready. I have so much unstable positions in my life right now - no proper home, no drivers licence, no relationship, no safe future. I so want to enjoy life for a while, find myself. I just started out on making myself a better person, making plans for my life that are big and daring and would last, a life that would settle me and give me home and roots. Will I be able to make it while having a child to care about? (I know, how horrible and egoistic this sounds, but I have to ask this). Or will I be one of those always tired, angry, single moms who feel their life has been ruined/ended too soon by an unexpected child?

Then again, I believe that babies arrive for a reason. Perhaps my baby wants to have a life without his biological father? Perhaps he needs this lesson from this life? Who am I to decide?

Please don't judge me, I am really trying to make a responsible decision that would be best for everyone. I know perfectly clear that I will have to care for the child and there will be only a very limited support from other people.

[JimOfferman]

I personally think there is only one question that matters here: do you want this child? If you feel a child would just be a burden to you then, please, please have the abortion. Don't let your son be nothing more than the afterthought of a broken relationship!

If, on the other hand, you absolutely want to be the loving mother who welcomes her child into this world no matter what, then let nothing stand in your way.

That's what I think.

[Joely]

I agree with Jim. This is YOUR choice, nobody else's. Whatever decision you make will change your life forever, and you'll probably always wonder what the opposite choice might have brought into your life.

You sound to me like an intelligent, stable human being who would be able to cope with whatever choice - many children grow up with only one parent, and you can never tell at this stage how he or she might feel about having a stepfather. Non-biological parents can be just as wonderful, if not more wonderful, than the biological ones! (Wow, I make them sound like washing powder!)

On the other hand, this will change your life for good. A child is absolutely for life. You can't get six months down the line and decide you don't want him after all, or a year, or two years. Don't worry about whether or not he'll ever have a father. Just think about whether or not you're ready to raise him. I don't think there's a right or wrong choice here. You can only know where you are now, and make the best judgement about what to do from here.

And I think whatever decision you make, you'll have the emotional intelligence to cope.

[mncz]

To be completely honest, I don't trust my feelings at all at this moment.

When I first understood that the baby is on his way, I was very confused, but at the same time I was very happy. On that instant I decided that I want the baby and that I would do everything to have it.

Then real life kicked in: the denial from my ex.. I so hoped that his decision would be different, the whole experience with him put me in a lot of pain. He was all like "you don't know how tough it is to raise a child.. you're living in a dream world.. you don't know what you're doing.. I don't want to be any part of this.."

My mother thinks as well that I am not ready for this. She pointed out all the blurry aspects of my life I mentioned in previous post.

Perhaps I just want this baby as a one last attempt to fix my relationship with my ex? Then again, no, no way. But perhaps I want to prove him that I am this so-much-better-person-than-he-is? Point is, I am still emotionally connected to this situation and thus I can't evaluate it neutrally.

Would I feel guilty for the rest of my life because of killing an innocent being who has chosen me to be his mother? Would I be a horrible person if I did not felt that way?

I want this baby, but I am so very very afraid.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by mncz

I want this baby, but I am so very very afraid.

The problem is we can't make that decision for you. As much as I would love to give you wise counsel that made up your mind, I simply can't. It's your body, your life, and your child.

I wonder if you're not overthinking this. You're going over and over so many different ramifications, which is completely natural. But your heart knows what's right, if you'll listen to it. Whatever it says, whether it's abortion, adoption, open adoption, keeping the child, then you should go with that.

I've had a couple of friends go through abortions because the father refused to have anything to do with the child. Although it was an intensely difficult choice to make, they know they both did the right thing for themselves. They weren't in a place to be mothers, or even to go through a full pregnancy. But it is, I have to stress, your choice and you will need, whatever you do, to take full responsibility for making that choice. No matter what decision you make, there is no escape from the consequences, I'm afraid.

I recommend that you speak to a counsellor about this.

[mncz]

Originally Posted by Joely

I wonder if you're not overthinking this. You're going over and over so many different ramifications, which is completely natural. But your heart knows what's right, if you'll listen to it. Whatever it says, whether it's abortion, adoption, open adoption, keeping the child, then you should go with that.

Yes I am overthinking. It was all fine until yesterday, but then stuff happened, lots of negative/doubtful opinions came my way and negativity just took over. I just want to be sure about my decision and I need to talk.

Many thanks for your support

[NotesMaeve]

How far along are you? Would you entertain adoption? Open adoption maybe?

[mncz]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

How far along are you? Would you entertain adoption? Open adoption maybe?

4 weeks, and our country allows children to be adopted to other countries only if they are seriously ill.

You got me thinking

If I would carry out through the pregnancy, I would keep the child for myself since I am absolutely sure that by the day of delivery I would love him way too much to give away.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by mncz

4 weeks, and our country allows children to be adopted to other countries only if they are seriously ill.

You got me thinking

If I would carry out through the pregnancy, I would keep the child for myself since I am absolutely sure that by the day of delivery I would love him way too much to give away.

It sounds to me like you actually want to keep this child. If that's true, then I say that's what you should do.

[freddy]

Kick the ex to the curb for good. Keep the baby. Yes it will be hard, but the joy you recieve from that boy throught the years will be worth it. Plus you never have to deal, with the emotinal scar that you will carry for years from having an abortion. Just my opinion for what it's worth.

[Angela]

Why don't you find a quiet spot and do a meditation in which you ask the little soul for his advice? He's in a pretty good position to give you fresh wisdom. Maybe he's committed to incarnating here with you in a few months. Maybe the lesson he's here to give you doesn't necessarily include him being born this time. Maybe he is here to guide you in living a life you love, whether he is born or not.

[Erock]

It's up to you completely, but I wouldn't let society hold you back from getting an abortion. I think the amount of energy we put into the issue is absurd, regardless of one's beliefs about it.

Erock

[Rose of Cairo]

I've never been pregnant, but I can imagine that this must be a tough decision. No matter what you decide, mncz, you have all my support, best wishes and a hug

[oberlee]

Hi mncz,

I've been sort of in your position. I did get pregnant about a year ago and chose not to keep it. It was the right decision for me, my family, my relationship with my boyfriend, and for the baby. Everyone feels differently about babies and abortion. It's important you really soul-search on this one and find out how you truly feel, and I think coming here to this forum is a good step to take. So, congrats!

You really just have to do what's right. Maybe seek a spiritual adviser, a counselor, or even just a friend. I will say this: don't have an abortion if you think at all that you'd regret it later. Some people take the quick way out and then regret it--either for moral reasons or because they end up never having children, and I'm sure that's a horrible, horrible feeling. Also, some people have children and then might resent the child, or resent themselves for not being the 'perfect' parent.

Good luck!!! Much love to you!

[Nelson]

Assuming abortion is legal where you are from, no one is going to force you have the baby.

I was almost aborted (my parents were 16 when my mom got pregaant). I am strongly agaisnt aboprtion because of this.

Anything that is human or will be human in the near future has the right to life.

I beg you to consider adoption.

[mncz]

Do you still blame your mother for considering abortion, Nelson?

[Angela]

Everybody's got an opinion and the only choice that matters here is yours, mncz. You sound like you are generating peace, love, and joy, and I am celebrating that with you.

I am REALLY super-celebrating that you have kicked that man to the curb! What a life you would have sentenced yourself to, being with him! Yikes. Close call!

Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

Lots of love,
Angela

[Joely]

Totally behind you, girl. And I second Angela!

[Vasilisa]

Originally Posted by Angela

Everybody's got an opinion and the only choice that matters here is yours, mncz. You sound like you are generating peace, love, and joy, and I am celebrating that with you.

I am REALLY super-celebrating that you have kicked that man to the curb! What a life you would have sentenced yourself to, being with him! Yikes. Close call!

Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

Lots of love,
Angela

Angela, you can't imagine what kind of individuals you can meet in Eastern Europe. In comparison with some of them this boyfriend might seem to be a saint.
I am not saying that MNCZ should stay with him, God forbid.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Vasilisa

Angela, you can't imagine what kind of individuals you can meet in Eastern Europe. In comparison with some of them this boyfriend might seem to be a saint.
I am not saying that MNCZ should stay with him, God forbid.

I hope that mncz uses the lesson she's learning now to realize it's better to pick a mate who is in alignment with living a life you love, or be alone, rather than mate with someone who is such a generator of pain as that fellow. I hope that for all of us, actually.

[Logodae]

Mncz: It seems very clear to me that you're making the right decision, not just for yourself, but for your future children. You've made the best of a bad situation, and it seems like you've grown in the process -- I think you're going to be creating better situations for yourself in the future. I know I don't know you, and I know this is about the third cliche in this paragraph, but: I'm happy for you.


Nelson: If your parents had not had sex, you would not have been born. Even if they had waited and had sex when they were older and married, you would not have been born -- a different sperm and a different egg would have produced a different baby, with different genes.

I'm sure, at 16, your mother considered not having sex. Would her abstinence have been wrong, because it would have prevented your existence? If not... why is abortion any different?

[eblight]

Mncz your postings have filled me with so much love and compassion for you. You are a courageous person. You have thought carefully about your situation and most importantly have taken the time to get real emotional clarity about what you are doing.

Everyone will have an opinion but your first duty is to yourself and what is right for you. You have achieved much for one so young.

Letting go of your ex has been a big decision for you but one that will give you considerable strength and discernment to find a man when the time comes who will love, and cherish you because you are such a loving person and that is what you deserve for yourself.

Go well, and I wish you great happiness for your new future.

[Ninja]

Allow me to be very blunt, but I do not believe babies arrive for a reason: they arrive because two people had sex. But then again, I define the baby as a vessle for your child. If you choose to abort, your child will wait for you until you are ready. Again, That's just my view on things.

I think your instincs are warning you for a darn good reason. If you already feel deep in your heart that you wouldn't be doing your child a favor by letting him be born now, then please follow your gut feeling and have the abortion. There are so many unwanted children in the world: a baby should be born because both parents welcome it.

Edit: I see that you have had the abortion done already. Don't worry about your child: his first ride to the mortal plane is gone, but he'll wait for the next one until you are ready. If it's meant to be, you'll still meet him someday when the circumstances are better.

[WRX AJT]

My name is Alex and I'm adopted. Currently, I'm 21 and live in NW Indiana. The whole reason I'm responding is to urge you not abort your baby. I was born July 13th 1986 in a hospital in Evergreen Park, Illinois with the name of Joshua James. My birth parents were 16 and scared. During my birth moms pregnancy she took many of the pain killers you're not allowed to take, not to mention she drank and smoked. When I was born, I was a full 6 weeks pre-mature. I could not eat or breathe on my own. If abortions were more main stream back then I would have been aborted.

I got adopted into a wonderful family and have a brilliant future a head of me. I'm urging you to NOT get an abortion. The reason for me saying that is not only because of what I have gone through, but every child has the potential to change the world. If you abort your child...you could have just aborted the child/person who can figure out the cure for AIDS. Life begins at conception and doesn't end till they return to the Earth. So once again, I'm urging you to NOT abort your child. Life is what you make of it, and to essentially just give up on an innocent child is not the life I would hope you'd want to live. The best thing you can do is to continue with the pregnancy and give the child up for adoption like I was. I am praying that you make the right choice....

*If anyone has a problem with what I wrote...I urge you to take a walk in my shoes.

[clubvikram]

very true this is YOUR choice, nobody else's. if you think you need this child u should go-ahead, but if you dont then just DNT
Whatever decision you make will change your life forever, and you'll probably always wonder what the opposite choice might have brought into your life.

[Vasilisa]

I knew several people who had abortions, all of them were very sorry of that.
I think that a 26 year old woman living in Latvia is mature and strong enough to be a mother.
You never know what life will bring to you. What is your destiny? What is your child going to be? May be it's going to be the most incredible and beautiful thing in your life. Will you have other kids? You never know...
Will you ever marry without child or with him? - you never know...
I have a child, I can not even imagine what I would do without him.
It's like nothing in life before, the most important thing which ever happened to me. When you become a mother, you understand what love is. Without conditions, just purest and clearest feeling. I know you will feel the same, because you are such a loving person.
And how do you know what happens to kids who were aborted, you've never been there, right?
You have all conditions to have a child: money; job; loving relatives, who are willing to help; right age; health. You will make it, I know it.
It will be very sad if you don't give it a chance.