Crying Out For Advice

[Nicole]

I am hoping someone on here can help me. I am feeling a bit lost right now, and don't know what to do.
I'm sorry for the long post, but want to give background and reason to my being so stressed...
I just want to give the background to my story because I think it's worth telling..
I am currently in a 1-yr. relationship with a guy I met a couple of years ago while on vacation. I was on vacation to New York city, and while sitting out front of my hotel talking with my sister one night, a sweet guy visiting from Scotland approached us and introduced himself. Now, I would normally politely manage myself away from a complete stranger on the street, but there was something about him that gave me a comforting feeling. We met the next evening for drinks in the hotel bar, and it was as if we had known each other for years. We ended up sharing a kiss at the end of the night, and exchanging emails to keep in touch. He emailed me as soon as he got home the following night, and it was very apparent he had fallen for me. I was not sure of how I felt toward him in the beginning, but it didn't take long for him to win me over. He started calling me, and within a few months I dove right into a LONG distance relationship without hesitancy. He was smart, very funny, extremely caring and sensitive, and amazing to talk to.
He adored me with lots of attention and sent me presents and flowers and cards all the time.
In the past year, we have spent 3 vacations together, and he is currently living here with me for 3 months until we decide how he can get a visa to the U.S..

I consider myself a very independent woman. I have been on my own since I was 19, (i'm 28 now) and have my own house, good job, and lead a pretty decent living.

That being said, he is quite the opposite. He is 2 years younger than I.. He was living with his mother while going to college, and since then dropped out of college, had a 3 day a week job delivering food for a restaurant, and basically knows practically no responsibility nor has any "healthy respect" towards money whatsoever.
The money issue is one of our main problems. I have carried the financial load on 2 of our vacations, and now that he is living with me, is eating everything in the kitchen, smoking as many cigarettes as he can put in his mouth, and starting to be a pain in my side! I neveer meant for this to happen!
He has told me on many occasion that he will repay me for all that I've given to him, and I know he truly means it, but so far there still seems to be a lack of consideration. His actions speak far louder than his words.
Another problem is his anger. In the heat of any argument, whether big or small, he cannot control himself. He yells and screams and calls me names, and tells me he is leaving me.. It's a very immature way of dealing with things, it's like a 2-year old throwing a fit when he yells and threats to leave me. I have let him go before, and he crawls back once he comes back to reality. It's almost like he slips into another frame of mind. I don't want to say bi-polar, but being that he is extremely affectionate and loving towards me 99% of the time, it's difficult to understand why he gets to this state of mind. He leaves me baffled when he does this...

We have talked about his behavior, and he realizes he has a problem. He has admitted on several occasions and told me several times he is so sorry, and will do whatever he can to make it up to me. Then, after a few days, the cycle starts all over again...

I'm at my wits end!!! I'm starting to feel the ichiness of heart-break coming on...
Should I not prolong the inevitable, or try and work it out?

[JOHNSHED]

YOU KNOW what to do, Clearly you are not happy and neither is the other, i would say you both need distance . A time to give yourselves the time you need.If its meant to be you will see each other alot fresher than you are now
x

[JimOfferman]

Hey Nicole!

Welcome to the forums!

The one thing you absolutely must do is to stop enabling this behavior in your relationship with him. You keep the circle going! You kick him out after a fit and then you allow him to crawl back to you. Your behavior in this is telling him that it is okay to throw a fit every once in a while, because you will always take him back.

Break the circle! Pronto!

Now, there are a number of ways to go about that. By far the easiest way is to cut him out of your life completely, because without him in your life the circle can't exist. Simple as that. It's not pretty, it may be painful, but it will work.

Maybe you don't want that. Maybe you want to (try to) keep him in your life? In that case, you need to work on changing your behavior within the relationship. You need to stop tolerating his fits and you need to stop kicking him out as a resolution. You need to show him how you expect to be treated. In the end, he may decide that he doesn't want to be in a relationship in which he treats you -as you should treat him- with the respect you deserve. If that's the case, all you can do is lovingly let go.

At any rate, it's all up to you to bring about the change in your life!

Good luck!

[Nicole]

You're right, Jim, my behavior has allowed this cycle to continue and I've got to stop it now! I think his anger is a control issue. It is his way to get me to do what he wants me to do, as long as I let him get away with it. And when I dont give him the reaction he is expecting, then he straighens up and realizes that method isn't going to work.

Starting now, I know I can no longer allow this to continue in our relationship, or it will never work. If I make a stand and put my foot down to break this cycle, and it still doesn't work, then I know I did the best I could, and I will walk away from this relationship.

Thanks again for giving me great advice!

[wolfgang]

Maybe there's some preemptive stuff you could do. Like make an agreement that if he feels like he needs to go away - that he can just go into another room for a couple hours or something like that. Have a time out. He and maybe you, are dealing with some kind of regression behavior. The way you describe it is like he turns into another person and is possessed when he gets that way. He probably doesn't like it either and is kind of unconscious about it - it takes him over.

I do wonder how to go about breaking that cycle. Because this: "I make a stand and put my foot down to break this cycle" is probably what stimulates his anger - depending on how that comes across to him. As you pointed out it's a control issue - so what will happen if you try to control this cycle? Like, what is a good action plan for the next time he starts getting hot? I imagine your buttons are getting pushed too but I would venture to say if you can pull out of it and be grounded and listen to whatever he says during a blow up and reflect it back to him, that might help. Like stop having an argument with him when he gets hot and then you become a conscious listener, since when people's buttons get pushed there's a tendency to go into unconscious behavior.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Nicole

If I make a stand and put my foot down to break this cycle

Make a stand, yes, but don't use force or anger - you want to defuse the situation, not add fuel to the fire. If he becomes agitated, keep your cool; if he raises his voice, lower yours, etc. Your calm will be a clear signal that he cannot get control over you in this way - much more than any argument will.

[Nicole]

"As you pointed out it's a control issue - so what will happen if you try to control this cycle? "

Good point. I will need to take a careful approach to the issue especially when he is in that "mode" of anger.
You know, I can admit I can be somewhat insensitive when dealing with other's emotions. If I can't relate to them, it's easy for me to turn off and escape from the situation.. It's not that I'm rude about it, I just don't know how to deal with it.
I have an easy-going personality and tend to get along with almost everyone, but when something gets too emotional or deep, I tend to find myself shutting off and retreating to a more solitude state until the relationship gets back to more of a surface level..
Thinking about how I can deal with his extreme emotions has been something I guess I've avoided confronting, hoping everything will just even itself out once he becomes more chilled towards me.
I have tried to overcome being such a "on the surface" friend or girlfriend, but for some reason there's this wall and I can't seem to break it down....
hmmmmmm