Relationships & unhappiness

[BringTheDarkness]

I don't normally make posts like this but something has came to my attention lately and I'd like to get everyone's ideas on this.

I have my own thoughts and ideas, but maybe I'm wrong.

Anyway...I was at a party tonight. In general I'm not a real big fan of people and I DESPISE small-talk...But I do like to observe people.

And it hit me tonight, that almost NO ONE I know that is in a relationship is REALLY happy.

Now, they might PRETEND like they are happy, but they really aren't.

I was thinking of 20 other couples that I know; and out of the ones who have been together for a while, I could come up with TWO that haven't had marital/relationship issues.

We are talking epidemic proportions here.

Even my own relationship had this happen. Well, almost. But you get the point.

I looked around and all I saw was unhappiness. I look around the word at LARGE and I see unhappiness from a relationship standpoint.

Because of my line of work I get to see people as they really are on inside and act when they don't think anyone is watching.

And it is f'ing DISGUSTING.

This girl hates her husband and is hitting on other guys;

This guy hates his wife and has sex-chats with just about anyone, and then lies about it.

etc. etc. etc.

I see it everywhere. Now, what is everyone's ideas on WHY these relationships are so difficult? So many of them?

I mean, one of the happy couples I mentioned is one in which the wife once cheated and the husband never found out...So I guess maybe I only know of
one...Or two if you count me.

So what's the deal?

BTD

[Jonathan Mead]

I think the biggest problem is we put our happiness in our partners hands. When we put our happiness in our own hands and accept our partners as they are, we create an environment of love and respect. That's what has worked for me.. I know some people might prefer cage-matches though. Haha.

[smartile]

BringTheDarkness,

Your perspective is interesting. I’ve also seen couples struggling in their relationships. Keep in mind that your observation of couples that have relationship issues is being filtered through your experience (ie. beliefs, values, etc.)

I also see the other side. I see couples who are madly in love, show signs of affection in public, give away big hugs and aren’t even aware of the world around them. I see couples who look so happy and grateful to have someone to share their life.

Again, this is only my experience based on my filtering. It's not right or wrong, it’s just my experience. I think our experience of others tells us more about our focus than it does about these other couples.

Stephen Martile — Personal Development Made Simple

[BringTheDarkness]

Hi guys,
Thanks for the responses so far.

Mr. Mead,
What you wrote is a conclusion I've come to myself. I've even said this to one particular girl friend of mine who thinks she is going to find happiness by screwing every guy she comes across...Then wondering why they dump her.

Smartile:
I've thought about that as well. It's live Steve said in one of his podcasts about seeing certain types of cars because you are now "filtering" for them.

But man...I'm TRYING to see happy couples...Every time I think I've found one it turns out to have it's own skeletons.

I mean...One of the most naive guys I know (married his first girlfriend etc) seemed really happy. Then he drops the bomb that he caught his wife emailing another guy.

What is the cause of all this? It seems to be everywhere.

BTD

[Angela]

BTD, I get the idea that in your view, for a relationship to be a happy one, there must be no issues or "skeletons." That life should be conflict-free and utterly lacking in pain.

I don't see it that way, though. I think loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationships (LLTMBRs) are all about personal growth, and that means working through the dark side that exists in us all. To stay in a LLTMBR after a painful episode really is a testament to what the stayer is committed to learning, either consciously or unconsciously. I'm amazed at what people in relationships can forgive sometimes, and I have often encouraged people to get the heck out when their well-being is in danger. But aside from a threat to well-being, it makes sense to me that growth through working through your difficult feelings is one of the great magical gifts of being in a LLTMBR. You get to see your dark stuff in the mirror, you get to choose to grow or not, you get to choose to be the mirror for another, in which he may see something really valuable for himself in his Life Path.

Even the happiest of LLTMBRs has issues or skeletons -- because there are two human beings involved. We get together in part TO HAVE issues and skeletons. We give each other that gift. And hopefully we get better and better at resolving the issues and honoring the skeletons so that we can make each other's lives better, and we can life a life we're in love with.

Some of the reasons that I am so in love with my relationship with Danger Man include the bonding we've gone through as a result of conflict. We have really seen huge things for ourselves by paying attention to the issues in our LLTMBR. We are both much more in love with our own lives for having gone through that stuff.

[Joely]

If it's because you're filtering, then it's a belief inside you, possibly so deep you don't know you hold it, about relationships and the way that they work. It won't change until you adjust your beliefs about relationships.

I'm surrounded by friends who are predominantly in stable, happy relationships. I wonder what that says about how I view relationships and people.

[JimOfferman]

I agree with Joely... What You Believe Is What You Get!

A few exceptions aside, I know only people who are predominantly happy - either with being single or as a couple.

[Jennihul]

Bummer about your experiece. My relationship with my husband is great. Despite the crises life has thrown at us, we remain happy.

Then again, we expect to be.

People tend to see the world through the filters of their own experiences. We are both happy, with or without each other, and expect life to be grand.

We also love people and adore socializing and see the best in them. Not sure someone named "Bring The Darkness" has that capacity to see the world that way, no offense.

Jennifer

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by BringTheDarkness

... it hit me tonight, that almost NO ONE I know that is in a relationship is REALLY happy.

Now, they might PRETEND like they are happy, but they really aren't.

***

I see it everywhere. Now, what is everyone's ideas on WHY these relationships are so difficult? So many of them?

I mean, one of the happy couples I mentioned is one in which the wife once cheated and the husband never found out...So I guess maybe I only know of
one...Or two if you count me.

So what's the deal?
BTD

I have a lot of married friends and don't know a single one of them that is thrilled with their relationship in the way that, say, a couple that has "fallen in love" is. Put another way, I don't recall knowing anyone married over 5 years that is completely thrilled with it. I can't say I was, either.

I have pointed out elsewhere in this space that the transcendent sort of emotional high a couple has in the first 6 to 18 months of a relationship is neither sustainable, nor is it designed to be. Therapists call it cathexis and it is basically an evolutionary adaptation to grease the wheels of matrimony, as it were.

You might think me a cynic, but I'm not. I'm just a realist. Even a great relationship requires a lot of effort (or if you prefer, it's high maintenance). It requires compromise and discussion and (sometimes painful) honesty. The more mature both parties are, the smoother it goes, for some given value of "smooth" ... but when most couples start out they are basically naive kids so it's inherently bumpy. This is one reason why a lot of relationships mellow out and become more serene and happy, sometime past the age of 40. I get the impression that a lot of the people on these forums are still in their twenties so they are not getting a good sampling of all the phases a long term relationship goes through.

A few random thoughts, anyway, for what they are worth ...

--Bob