Friend or Fake?

[KnightofRound]

I'm an introvert by nature, and prefer to be by myself. However, I'm also a very giving person. I originally from Oklahoma if that means anything. I'd almost give the shirt of my back, and give anyone a chance type. Also, very open and where emotions on sleeve. I'm currently having difficulty adjusting to finding out if people are friend or fake. I want to believe in people, that even when they do something wrong I let it slide or let them lie or turn it around. So my question is, how does one find out if someone is friend or fake? I'm very certainty driven and don't want to make a decision with only circumstantial evidence. Also, My brother has been telling me to expect only the good from people, in attempts to pull it out of them. I just don't want to give up on people I care about.

[JoeGoldfarb]

do you mean "fake" as in a superficial friendship that carries no deep meaning or one which will take advantage, use and abuse you?

those are to different situations.

[Rockchick26]

It's hard to tell whether friends are fake or not. Like what do you do when you have friends you've known for years and have shared lots of good times with,yet they sometimes act like they dont care about anything you have to say,or go out with everyone else and dont invite you? Its hard to say whether there are fake friendships or whether people just lose interest in you,or have something personal going on that has nothing to do with you. I try to see the good in people too and realize theyre only human,but then its almost like you're letting yourself get crapped on and then you feel like an idiot for not seeing it coming. Then you think,well,you really cant depend on friends to be there for you all the time and you shouldnt be upset when they let you down,but,we all get hurt by it when it happens. I'm curious what other people will say about this.

[KnightofRound]

Well, initially I meant with it was false friends, or enemies. Superficial friends without deep meanings seem to be still friends just not as close. When they are or aren't there doesn't mean to be a different. What I'm talking about are the damaging kind of friendships. Those you believe in, invest a lot of energy, time effort into and then get used, manipulated and taken advantage of. This is the type thats weighing on me. But learning to deal with both can apply, if not to my current situation but to others that read this as well and in the near future.

I'm hesitant to give details, as I've been very open in the past and those around me have been voicing that is a negative trait to have. I don't like secrets, and try to bring things out into the open. trying to get to the truth of the matter. Yet, it only aggravates those that don't share the same sentiments.

I don't believe in holding back, because, once it was someone close to me that got in my face, forcing me to grow and see the truth. To get to the truth is what I care about and I don't believe I'm getting the truth. It feels like I'm getting half truths, and feel like I'm being moved like a chess piece sometimes. I feel like they care but only saying just enough to where they don't put themselves at risk. In order to protect something. Either my image of them, the friendship or something.

I've done a lot, and I've reasons to care and want their friendship, yet at both times I've reasons to doubt. Life is too short to really be like this, and I keep trying to find a way to be "OK" or to learn from this and grow and find unconditional love and still be in their lives yet. I don't feel like I'm being treated the way I treat them.

My main focus in anything is "How can I serve?". Although lately the aspect of what I want and need is creeping up and making me feel selfish.

Apologies if this is back and fourth, I'm a little groggy. This is weighing a lot on my mind. In more ways than just one person. Its snowballed into other areas of my life as well.

[Angela]

It sounds like you are not trusting yourself to recognize what's authentic. Can you tell the difference in yourself when you're being authentic and when you're not? Sure you can, right? If you can trust in your sense of yourself, then you can trust in your sense of others. You'll probably still run into people who do things that seem wrong to you, but trust means you can accept reality and incorporate what happens into a life you love. Which is not to say you won't have to occasionally kick someone to the curb.

Generating your purpose is a whole lot more fun than generating suspicion and distrust.

[KnightofRound]

Angela, I thank you for your words. In reading them, and asking myself the question, I am not sure when I'm authentic or not. Right now, I've noticed something that puts what someone has said in contradiction with what they do. And it makes me upset, and put everything else this person has said and done into question. I've a lot to decide in the near future. My natural inclination is to get to the truth of the matter. I'm not sure what way to do it.

*Edit*
The paradox.
If I trust in them, I don't trust in me.
If I trust in me, I don't trust in them.

[SonoranBob]

Something you might consider. I had problems with this sort of thing early in my life and the root cause in my case was that I assumed everyone else was approximately like me.

This isn't uncommon. It's one of the reasons, for example, that dishonest people that become employers, do not treat their employees with trust and respect -- like adults. Because they assume their employees are like them ... dishonest and shifty, therefore they need strict rules and lots of monitoring.

In your case, I suspect you're an honest, open, caring, giving sort of person and you tend to believe everyone else is roughly like yourself, or if they're not, they might have some justifiable reason for treating you badly. So, when they act in ways that does not value loyalty and devotion as you would, it confuses you and you don't believe the evidence that's right in front of you.

The truth is that there is a vast array of mind-sets, values and behaviors, from sociopath to excessive, boundary-less touchy-feely, and you have to learn to properly identify and appropriately respond to each person on their own merits (or lack thereof). Don't project yourself onto them.

To make it even more interesting, people don't behave the same way in all circumstances (neither do you, although you are probably more self-consistent than many folks). People regress and become childish when they are ill or afraid or under some kind of perceived threat. Some people have two or three sub-personalities that they trot out to deal with different kinds of situations and so might act very differently at work vs at home, alone with you vs with some "crowd" they need to impress, etc. It is fairly difficult sometimes for a simple person to deal with some of those complex characters out there. In an ideal world everyone would be fairly straightforward and self-consistent and together ... in the real world, 'taint so.

Hope that helps a little ... if I missed the boat, then no harm done.

--Bob

[KnightofRound]

SonoranBob

What you say has been something that I too have thought of. I've let very few people into my life over the years, historically, focusing on one main person. Now there are a handful. I've a lot colleges, but they are distant from me, and what they do doesn't affect me. But the closer they get the more what they do or don't do does, both good or bad. I pride myself in my openness and my consistency. They are my strengths, but when does a strength become a weakness? With being open I connect and share things too soon. Which probably lead to my loosing my employment a few weeks ago. I was unhappy and I expressed it. It got back to my boss. I know its a good thing thing, but I don't know what I want to do now. Being consistent to my giving nature, I don't know when to stop.

One of my friends has asked me if I mistrust them, with projection (something I told them about), they ask how I'm not being trusting. Go figure.

To become who I want to be, I'll have to learn to deal with these complex people, even though myself, I enjoy being simple.

Tangents, I've been off line for 2-3 weeks.