Happily married, still love my Ex.

[CPUNeck]

After perusing through some of the posts here, there seems to be a wealth of quality advice. Happens, I'm in need of some.

Riddle me this.... Dated a very smart young lady many years ago, both her parents college grads, and she was excepted to GT to be come an engineer. I'm more of the Cinderella guy, parents divorced, only the second out of 5 to graduate high school, NO WAY to afford college . Certainly there was no way for me to compete with the college guys there, and when my Ex suggested we date other people, that sealed the deal. There is history for another post concerning my Ex, but while she's blunt, she really didn't mean for it to sound or be that bad.

Relegated to myself that a new direction was in order. Four months later I'm married to one of my best friends in HS (my Ex went to a hoyti-toyti school ). I love my wife, she's great, we have two wonderful kids, a dog, a house... perfect right?

It's been a few years since then (like 18 ) and over the years I've periodically wondered how things were for my Ex. Well I found her recently and OMG, her life is in the crapper. Not married, guys have sh&% on her, punching a clock at work making not much over minimum wage! Now I've found myself in a conundrum. All sorts of feelings I haven't felt since before I got married have just rushed in.

I'm not rash, or irresponsible, hence this post. Looking for some ideas here on what to do. I mean, can I really still be in love with my Ex after all these years? Hmmm..... Sorry for the long post on my first day out .

[teatree]

You'll always have feelings for your first love, particularly if you see them after a while - it's like being transported in a time machine. But, you can never really go back. You are probably a little in love with the person she was when in you first knew her. But she's not that person anymore, and you've changed too.

My advice is to do nothing. Don't see her again and get on with your life. The feelings you are experiencing are nothing more than powerful memory. You know when you listen to certain music or smell a perfume and the feelings of the past rush back as though you are experiencing them right now? The same thing happens when you see someone from the past, and that's what you are feeling now. From what you've described about her - too snobby to date you in the beginning and now made a mess of her life - you've had a lucky escape! Thank your stars and go out and buy your wife a big bunch of flowers.

[Dan.Linehan]

What sorts of feelings rushed back to you? Do you love her or just want to rescue her?

It sounds like you want to save her from this horrible, depressing life she has. I bet if you get to know her better you'll realize that her own choices put her there.

[CPUNeck]

TT- You're probably right. She really wasn't my first love, but the only one I set my sights on, and fired for effect! Interestingly enough, all my friends at the time certainly felt I escaped, BUT, some of their problem was jealousy because none of their gf's gave them the attention my Ex did.

DL- I would squarely place myself in the class "A" personality. Have a handle on what pushes my buttons (good and bad) and what buttons are available.

What sorts of feelings rushed back to you?

Man, it's hard to say. That is one of the reasons for this thread. To say the least these feelings are forceful. Little more background...

I dated my Ex for more than 3yrs, was there when her family fell apart and her parents divorced, only left the hospital twice in her 14 day IC stay after almost dieing in a MVA coming to see me because see turned left to fuel her car that I left empty instead of turning right to my house. I staved off relentless sexual advances (read BLATANT) by her mother (OMG what 19yr wouldn't want that!!) citing that I was dating her daughter and in love with her!! ......

I've always seen so much in her. She is bright, intelligent, witty, lacking somewhat in the common sense area (makes for lots of laughs for me), dangerous, mysterious, etc. Her outer shell I swear is made from pure Titanium, but on the inside, that's where the good stuff is, just got to work to get there. One last thing, not to throw gas on the fire, but she is a f*&% monster! (generally twice daily!) Anyway, she did get her degree from GA Tech through much adversity, and now... she's greatly depressed.

I bet if you get to know her better you'll realize that her own choices put her there.

Well I'm certain of that, first mistake was telling her BF she wanted to date other people! (man, see what I'm talking about, that's eat up isn't it.) Don't think I'm PW'd, it's just I'm use to being able to "fix" things, all kinds of stuff, physical, mental, relational, etc. (good at process analysis, except HERE) and I feel I've just been served! Like an impossible situation has been cast upon me, to test my constitution.

Just imagine all at once feeling anger, hurt, pain, despair, uncertainty (what have I let happen/done?), anxiety, etc. There really isn't anything wrong at my house either. Only thing that comes to mind is a bit of separation anxiety (I'm in the military, training away from home)

This probably would be worse if my Ex lived close (she doesn't)... Certainly physical separation will allow for pause on my part.

[Dan.Linehan]

You consider your ex to be amazing and hot but a bit unstable at times. On the other hand your wife is sweet and stable. Is that about right?

[CPUNeck]

You consider your ex to be amazing and hot but a bit unstable at times. On the other hand your wife is sweet and stable. Is that about right?

Something like that. My wife is predictable, not very organized and is ok with that. (I'm not sure which is harder for me, disorganization, or lack of concern for it ) Unfortunately my wife was abused by her f*(%#!@ piece of s*&^% father and that has left her with permanent baggage. (He's dead already, so that's one name off my list ) So there are many differences between the two. Not to mention my lovely kids who I adore (boy and girl) SUX to be me right now.

[JimOfferman]

I'd say you're suffering from the grass is greener syndrome...

...when, as far as I can tell, the grass is not greener at all on the other side of the street.

[xyz]

CPUNeck,
Whatever you are feeling is quite natural. :-) See you are well settled in professional and personal life. And an element of unknown or excitement is missing. :-) Everything is sane, cool and predictable. For a while imagine you start meeting her again and try to rekindle the flame, it will be exciting for a while. But after that what? What if she again meets someone better than you? She had chucked you out of her life once she is very much capable of doing it again. You didn't seem financially promising once and that was the reason enough for her to trample your self respect without giving you a chance to excel in life.These kind of people are too smart for their own good. Just see where this attitude landed her now. But what if she has changed? Too late. She has blown her chance away with you. Life is like that.
If your wife agrees, take her to a sex councilor to undo the damage her father has caused and then go for a second honeymoon. :-)

[evelynlim]

We can always have a soft spot for our Exs. There must have been something about them that we liked in the first place, to have even dated. So if you reminisce about the past, that is okay for awhile. But remember, that is already in the PAST.

Love is also a commitment, a conscious decision. And not just a rush of feelings or the passion of the moment. Read here
Attraction Mind Map » A Note About Loving Consciously This Valentine’s Day

You've got a wife and two lovely kids. Sure...your wife is not Mrs Perfect but neither are you flawless. Be appreciative with what you have. My analysis may be different if you have said that you do not even have a happy family to begin with. I also think that this is the case of the grass always looks greener on the other side.

If you love your kids too, then think what happens if you tear your existing family apart? My suggestion is to wish your Ex well and move on. If you need to stop seeing her for awhile, then do what it takes to have the clarity of mind for the right way forward.

All the best,
Evelyn

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Originally Posted by evelynlim

Love is also a commitment, a conscious decision. And not just a rush of feelings or the passion of the moment.

Yep, definitely.

CPUNeck, it seems you're attached to the rush of feelings that you feel when you think about your ex.
Wake up mate, your ex is not special
Your wife is not special either
You are not special too.

There is no special people. Love is a counscious decision to build a connection that grow stronger and stronger with time, but basically you can choose to build that connection with anyone. The initial rush of feeling is great, but temporary.

With that in mind, it's fine if you choose to be with her, but I wouldn't advise to do it only because of the rush of feelings and hoping to be more fulfilled on the long term.
Does she have similar goals and values with you ?
Do you think she can help you grow?
Can you help her grow too?
Can she help you and support you for your projects in life? Can you do the same for her?

[CPUNeck]

Wow, you all are amazing. Funny... way back my friends said very similar things about my ex when she would do stupid sh*& that would hurt me. I always chalked it up to her being intelligent and having no common sense. Really would like to help her though, certainly not at the expense of my wife, children, and family in general though. I've prided myself on my character when it comes to my relationships, can honestly say I've never cheated on even my GF's, unlike my wife (but that was years ago, and probably related to all the crap that happened to her as a child) Man, do I just make to many excesses? Anyway, I'm not perfect, just trying to exhibit a higher standard. This is particularly why my situation is VERY difficult. So..

It's probably a problem in myself. Some of the comments I believe have correctly pointed out mundaneness in my life. This could just be the check engine light going off on my dash (read... midlife crisis imminent! Take cover ), who knows. Probably why I joined the Army again. Thanks again for all the thoughtful replies, wealth of knowledge here, wish there were resources like this when I was in my 20's! Fire away if you can help with my incongruent feelings. Not easy to deal with internal conflict... it's like white noise you can't turn off.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by CPUNeck

Releg I love my wife, she's great, we haveated to myself that a new direction was in order. Four months later I'm married to one of my best friends in HS...

You got married four months after Miss Robinson broke up with you?

What did it mean about you that she broke up with you? What did you decide was true about yourself?

[CPUNeck]

You got married four months after Miss Robinson broke up with you?

Yep, kinda of a rebound, but with a good person. I knew her well and apparently she had pursued me a bit (that's what my friends told me, I was oblivious fixated on my gf)

What did it mean about you that she broke up with you? What did you decide was true about yourself?

Well if I understand the ?, I was not prepared to share my ex, so if she was going to date other guys, it was over between us. As far as I was concerned, I wanted to be the best I could since I couldn't be enough for my ex. I was devastated by my ex's matter of fact attitude concerning our dating (her) other people. Suppose I've always been "old fashioned"

[xyz]

Why not visit this link for a change. This real life situation may help you a bit. :-)
"A Husband and A Wife"

[supertom]

Your infatuated with her and you have her on a pedestal. Its time to bring her back down to earth. I also think you just feel sorry for her and want to take care of her. Well what im trying to say is your feelings are normal. your a smart guy you know what to do

[Doku]

Originally Posted by CPUNeck

Really would like to help her though, certainly not at the expense of my wife, children, and family in general though. I've prided myself on my character when it comes to my relationships

Anything having to do with an ex is dangerous territory. I understand the desire to help out people from your past, but doing so could end up with your wife being one of those people of the past.
You may genuinely have no ulterior motives in helping her out, but I can pretty much guarantee that your wife will not see it that way... and I can also almost guarantee that it will not end well. Ever hear the saying, "Well, we were just talking, and one thing lead to another..." It happens all the time. Don't put yourself in that position. Keep moving on with your life.

[Rose of Cairo]

I don't see this as a case of greener grass on the other side.

What I see is that the first thing you did to explain the case was talking about college degrees and money. To me it looks like you're having a social inferiority complex. It's pretty clear that in your eyes she was socially "too high" for you - whether you alone thought that or she thought that too is unclear to me, but obviously you thought it was the reason why you were not (good) enough for her.

(what if your lack of money and college wasn't in the slightest the reason she wanted to date other guys?? Ever thought of that?)

I find it very strange that you got married only four months after the separation, to a girl who was pursueing you, which you did barely notice before. To me that sounds like "oh well, if I can't have what I want, let's take what I can get". Not very nice towards your wife.

I don't think you're still in love with your ex. You had no feelings for her in 18 years. How I see the situation is that you discovered that she now is financially/socially not doing as great as you expected - so suddenly you realize that she was not too high for you finally! Hence the confusion.

Isn't it strange that you feel suddenly attracted to her seeing that she has a crappy job and men treating her like crap? Work on your self-esteem issue.

Maybe concentrating on inner values and letting go of your concerns about material status would help?

What are your values? Did you define them clearly? What are your wife's values, this woman's values? Were are you going in your life, where are they going? Such things. Missing money can always be made, but missing values not that easily

my 2 cts. Good luck!

[Guardian Angel]

From what your thread title suggests, you are happily married?! If this is true, why make it unhappy just because your EX needs help? If I were you, I will concentrate with my family coz I believe that being happily married needs continuous maintenance.

[CPUNeck]

I find it very strange that you got married only four months after the separation, to a girl who was pursueing you, which you did barely notice before. To me that sounds like "oh well, if I can't have what I want, let's take what I can get". Not very nice towards your wife.

Wow, that sure sounds bad huh. It's kinda true. But I do love my wife, I wouldn't say I "settled", but the two are incomparable. I'm happy I married my wife. When we first got together, we discussed our definition of marriage and based on our own experiences (both from broken homes with lots of baggage) decided "I DO" was forever... We didn't have our first child for 5 years. (she's 12 now!)

Honestly, my wife is great, warm, trusting, sincere, a great mother, etc. Intellectually we are completely opposite. I can't come home and converse with her about fluid dynamics or thermal properties relating to inertia, etc. My ex and I COULD. Just thinking out loud still trying to get a handle on all this.

My ex assures me back then she didn't view me as sub-par. Probably was just an 18yr olds' assumption! Who knows. Being honest here has helped with my feelings though, I really have no one else objective to bounce this stuff off of. Most of my friends are to polarized. (Funny to, you can tell who thinks with what, some of my buddies are like, "What she likes SEX, go for it" others are saying, "she is damaged goods, drop her and run to your wife")

[seeker5]

What some of the people above have written is great.

I think there is another element too to why you're thinking this way about your ex. It may also have to do with strong association we form in our younger days. If you form a strong emotion toward something, like a hobby, or toward someone when you are younger, then you spent long time without seeing that person or engaging in that activity, then when you suddenly start doing that hobby, or see that person, then your mind gets transported to how you felt when you were younger.

Perhaps it's also similar for you. So, since you had strong emotions back then, when you saw your ex and talked to her for the first time in 18 years, you were transported mentally and emotionally back to those days. Those days where your whole future was ahead of you, where you felt more carefree, where you aspired to get and keep something you couldn't.

Just throwing that out as a possibility.

Furthermore, I believe that love is a choice. Love is a verb, it's not something that just happens to you automatically - you have the power to choose who and what you love, and who and what you do not love. The warm, wonderful feelings you get from love is simply a product of your conscious or unconscious choice to love.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by CPUNeck

I wanted to be the best I could since I couldn't be enough for my ex.

So you've been being carrying around "I'm not enough" (or rather, that belief has been carrying you!) ever since. Along comes your hs sweetheart who makes you feel like "enough", but still "I'm not enough" nags at you a little, not really even consciously. You want to prove that you're not "not enough" and avoid being discovered as "not enough" (again, subconsciously); the ex-girlfriend represents the big way to do both.

So you "found her recently." What does that mean? Did you go looking for her? Run into her at Starbucks? Search on the Internet? If you were to hook up with her, or reject her sexually, would that mean that you are enough now? Your current wife and family aren't completely satisfying you, and really nothing ever will as long as you buy into "I'm not enough." It has nothing to do with who they are, or who your ex is. It's all about who you choose to be.

If you were not believing "I'm not enough", what would be possible in your life? In your marriage?

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by seeker5

The warm, wonderful feelings you get from love is simply a product of your conscious or unconscious choice to love.

Ugh, thanks for that reminder too. I tend to think it just happens to me out of nowhere

[CPUNeck]

I think there is another element too to why you're thinking this way about your ex. It may also have to do with strong association we form in our younger days.

Yikes, somebody has been shadowing my emotions. In fact I have felt those feelings exactly. Unfortunately the way I'm wired, when there is a beginning, there must be an end, so I imagine the "what ifs" to fruition. I won't even try and defend that, since it's all make believe, in MY minds eye... well it's perfect of course ! Just not real . So perhaps I should quit joking about my mid-life crisis, and start figuring out how to manage it.

So you've been being carrying around "I'm not enough" (or rather, that belief has been carrying you!) ever since. Along comes your hs sweetheart who makes you feel like "enough", but still "I'm not enough" nags at you a little, not really even consciously. You want to prove that you're not "not enough" and avoid being discovered as "not enough" (again, subconsciously); the ex-girlfriend represents the big way to do both.

That's good, I had to read it twice (rare) to get it. It's exciting to see some of the shiny insight people on this board posses. Awesome resource.

So you "found her recently." What does that mean? Did you go looking for her?

Yep, I'm pretty good at sleuthing, she was no problem to find. Actually, I've known where she's been for the past ~3-4yrs, but never contacted her.

If you were to hook up with her, or reject her sexually, would that mean that you are enough now?

I'm quite certain I could not reject her, so I'll have to keep my distance for now or I'll probably hit rock bottom and start digging . I haven't seen her, only E-mail and phone. The pics she sent me are like 3 yrs old, so who knows what she looks like now. She could look like a used up rhino, and that certainly would burst my bubble, sending me back to reality

[Angela]

Originally Posted by CPUNeck

She could look like a used up rhino, and that certainly would burst my bubble, sending me back to reality

Maybe not burst your bubble -- maybe that would provide you with a feeling of enoughness! You're enough for an old used-up rhino. So then you'd just have to keep an eye out for the next time your old pain gets activated.... the next episode of "I'm not enough" confronting you. The next time won't look like an old used-up rhino.

The fact that you went looking for her, digging her up from your past, seems to suggest that your old pain is knocking on your door, trying to get you to deal with it.

[Joely]

I've been following this thread since it began but haven't said anything so far. I was wondering if it's because she rejected you that you're so interested in her (besides the fact that she enjoys sex so much ). She didn't need you, and I've noticed in life that's a red rag to a bull - we always want people who don't seem to need us back. It sounds like you've been chasing after her, and I think maybe she represents excitement, adventure and really wild times (TM), away from your current life.

I hope you don't mind if I mention something else. You've mentioned that your wife has some issues with sex because of her difficult past. Speaking as somebody who has been through similar things as your wife, I know that these things can be resolved. Rather than chasing after another woman you think may fulfil a fantasy, what about making a real effort to build some of that excitement and passion into your relationship with your wife?

[CPUNeck]

You're enough for an old used-up rhino.

Wait a minute.... was that nice? JK! Secretly I've always known I was smarter than she was, I just couldn't go to college and prove it. (Man that sounds bad too) Honestly, I have been looking at what I am and want to be lately and, happily I can say I'm taking active steps to bring about change in my life that interests me. Not moving as quickly as time gone by, but steady. I believe this is what "prompted" my contacting her. Based on your observation it makes some sense.

(besides the fact that she enjoys sex so much )

Ooops wrong quote

we always want people who don't seem to need us back

Now, that is truth.

You've mentioned that your wife has some issues with sex because of her difficult past

Well up to this point in my life, my love for my wife has superseded her lack of sex drive. Maybe with all the other changes/improvements I'm making in my life, I'm not as flexible on this as I was in the past . My wife loves me, and dutifully would oblige me sexually PRN (as needed), BUT.. it's hard to accept service from your spouse. Not to hijack my own thread, but my wife and I could easily have no relations for Months, maybe forever , I'm not sure. (I know about the months, done it many times) I guess when we got married I was well aware of all the baggage (learned from being good HS friends for 4 years) and was ok with that. Never known it to be any different with my wife. It certainly was vastly different with my Ex 18yrs aga... I kinda went from a SOLID two times a day, to. . . . well I won't say, it'll embarrass me.

Man, I just proofed this post and I think I need professional help

[Angela]

Originally Posted by CPUNeck

Honestly, my wife is great, warm, trusting, sincere, a great mother, etc. Intellectually we are completely opposite. I can't come home and converse with her about fluid dynamics or thermal properties relating to inertia, etc. My ex and I COULD.

Is that really necessary to you in a loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship? To talk about fluid dynamics and thermal properties relating to inertia, etc.?

Do you think you might be generating a space for your wife in which she feels intellectually second-rate because she can't discuss that stuff with you (but your ex could)? I mean, if you were to find connection of intellect between the two you in other areas that you both share, so that she feels like your favorite communication partner rather than an also-ran -- do you think that might have her feeling more valuable and sexy? Talking and connecting is pretty good foreplay, you know.

[CPUNeck]

Do you think you might be generating a space for your wife in which she feels intellectually second-rate because she can't discuss that stuff with you (but your ex could)? I mean, if you were to find connection of intellect between the two you in other areas that you both share, so that she feels like your favorite communication partner rather than an also-ran -- do you think that might have her feeling more valuable and sexy? Talking and connecting is pretty good foreplay, you know.

Well I never thought of it like that. It sounds like I compare my wife and ex a lot, but I don't think I do. My wife is a simple (on the surface ), elegant, silly, seat of the pants gal. I enjoy spending time with her, we know each other's love languages and all, its just we are polar opposites.

How would I explore a communication connection with her? I would be forced to resort to drugs if I had to discuss soap operas, or lifetime/hallmark movies Now that's not all my wife does, she's going to college/vocational school to be an esthetician. Not much common ground there.

[Angela]

Well, each of you has separate interests, but seeing as how you married each other, isn't it worth seeking out common ones as well? I think shared interests and communication are what make a LLTMBR (and break it if it's not present.)

If you're not willing to even look for shared interests (or create some), if you are just completely resigned to believe they don't and can't exist, then that's what you get. I think you and your wife could really benefit by some generous listening to each other.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by CPUNeck

Well I never thought of it like that. It sounds like I compare my wife and ex a lot, but I don't think I do. My wife is a simple (on the surface ), elegant, silly, seat of the pants gal. I enjoy spending time with her, we know each other's love languages and all, its just we are polar opposites.

It sounds like you've done an awful lot of comparing your wife and your ex. In fact I think this is what this entire thread is about. You're looking at what you've got and then lusting after somebody else because you feel a need you're not getting at home. I hope that doesn't come across as mean - I don't intend it to sound like I'm judging you, and I'm not. It's what human beings do all the time. If you were perfectly happy where you are, you wouldn't be going "Oooh yummy! Sexy ex!" You'd simply mark it and let it go.

Originally Posted by CPUNeck

How would I explore a communication connection with her? I would be forced to resort to drugs if I had to discuss soap operas, or lifetime/hallmark movies Now that's not all my wife does, she's going to college/vocational school to be an esthetician. Not much common ground there.

That's mildly dismissive of her interests, but then I know that I used to go mad over working with people who only ever talked about TV and I couldn't discuss quantum physics with them. Have you thought about exploring what excites her, what her passions are? Just as Angela says, relationships are about continual exploring and new vistas rather than just going "that's all there is." Relationships create a space for us to grow and evolve as people, as we learn about each other.

Never known it to be any different with my wife.

Have you thought about exploring these things with her? It's fairly typical of somebody who's been abused to see sex as a service and a duty, something devoid of intimacy. Abused people shut down their desire because it causes them pain - other people's desire has hurt them greatly so they don't want to feel it.

Real love, I think, would involve having the courage to seek out a deeper level of intimacy with her, including sexual contact. Loving sex - making love - is about opening up to each other. Would you be willing to explore those things with her or just assume that things should carry on the way they are because she's never done anything differently? Have you experimented with approaching the issue differently? Would you be prepared to, if you really love her that much?