Happily married, still love my Ex.

[CPUNeck]

It sounds like you've done an awful lot of comparing your wife and your ex. In fact I think this is what this entire thread is about

I believe I'd have to agree after going over it again. Bottom line is there is no comparison. My wife is happy and cheerful, my ex, depressed. I should appreciate the happiness my wife brings to my life and our marriage. (Generally I do, just this little episode) My ex is much more like myself, a pessimist (err recovering pessimist I am ). You all have greatly assisted my recognition of the true nature of this issue.

That's mildly dismissive of her interests

Man, good word, and observation. .. (love word conservation)

Have you thought about exploring what excites her, what her passions are?

This is where I need some enlightenment. I know the silly stuff that makes her giggle (love notes on the TP roll, hidden behind the milk, gift certificates for spas slipped into her purse, and her favorite, me surprising her with a mushy gushy love story from the rental place for us to watch TOGETHER! It's not so bad to watch because I enjoy seeing my wife happy.) None of that is passions of hers though.

Real love, I think, would involve having the courage to seek out a deeper level of intimacy with her, including sexual contact

Here I just wouldn't know what the next mechanical step should be. Understand that the feelings I've laundered here in no way are manifest at home. I would and have never made my wife feel bad about her sexual issues. It's not her fault. But just being real there are times I just wish it was normal. What lengths would I go too, to achieve this... pretty far. Because I know how wonderful it can be. Probably my largest problem is me being narrow and not seeing how after such trauma, one could ever be normal with it.

[xyz]

CPUNeck,
you wrote:

I would and have never made my wife feel bad about her sexual issues. It's not her fault. But just being real there are times I just wish it was normal. What lengths would I go too, to achieve this... pretty far. Because I know how wonderful it can be. Probably my largest problem is me being narrow and not seeing how after such trauma, one could ever be normal with it.

But what pains me is why don't you and your wife go to a sex councilor? What can be such a pleasurable activity but both of you have turned it into a service.
You seem to have given up on your wife, her troubles, her interests, her passions, communication with her...almost everything. Or you might be taking your wife for granted. Or it seems you want the warmth, security, familiarity and love of a wife and family and at the same time want to explore the excitement of ... YOU SEEM to behave like a kid let lose in a candy store. Wanting, desiring everything...

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by CPUNeck

would and have never made my wife feel bad about her sexual issues. It's not her fault. But just being real there are times I just wish it was normal. What lengths would I go too, to achieve this... pretty far. Because I know how wonderful it can be. Probably my largest problem is me being narrow and not seeing how after such trauma, one could ever be normal with it.

Have you two, or at least her, ever made a long, concrete effort at removing her issues? I understand something traumatic happened to her, however,I also understand that people can work out the traumatic event so that event no longer affects them anymore and they can have a healthy sexual relationship. It may take years, or a long time of concerted effort, however I have heard of people succeeding in this. Or did you guys just assume it wasn't possible to overcome this issue bought on by this traumatic event and thus decided you would have to live like this for the rest of your lives?

[CPUNeck]

YOU SEEM to behave like a kid let lose in a candy store. Wanting, desiring everything...

YES, that seems correct, BUT it really is isolated to this singular incident. I seriously was initially considering taking a trip to the candy store and transacting some business . Then I found this site and, well, people didn't "sugar coat" their responses. If ya'll really knew me, you'd know I really don't take criticism well. However, in this case I'm in unfamiliar water (although that's changing). When I started this thread, I really wanted to go see my ex.... instead I just got off the phone with my WIFE after [gasp..] a 33 min conversation that really amounted to 10 min of information transfer, and 23 min of fun, laughter, and silliness . If this keeps up, I'll be driving out to my house this weekend!

But what pains me is why don't you and your wife go to a sex councilor?

Well mostly $$$. Until I got back in the military I was self employed. It was all I could afford to insure the kids. Now we are apart, but I'm fairly certain neither of us have an aversion to it. ( my cool word) I've never let on to my wife I felt she was permanently broke, I just don't see how you could recover from being betrayed by your FATHER. I have a daughter, (man do I LOVE her!! )and absolutely can not understand HOW a dad could do that to flesh of his flesh, his precious baby!!

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by CPUNeck

Well mostly $$$. Until I got back in the military I was self employed. It was all I could afford to insure the kids. Now we are apart, but I'm fairly certain neither of us have an aversion to it. ( my cool word) I've never let on to my wife I felt she was permanently broke, I just don't see how you could recover from being betrayed by your FATHER. I have a daughter, (man do I LOVE her!! )and absolutely can not understand HOW a dad could do that to flesh of his flesh, his precious baby!!

Ah, so it's not just her that has issues with sex, it's also you? The good thing is at least you can work directly on your own issues with having sex with her and the way you view her.

One thing I know is that the way a man views a woman he's having sex, and the belief the man has about the woman having sex tremendously impacts the type of sexual relations the woman and the man have together.

While it may take more then just you working out your issues for her to have a healthy sexual relationship with you, at least you can start with that.

[CPUNeck]

No, don't think I have issues with it (unless infrequency is an issue )

[Angela]

Originally Posted by CPUNeck

No, don't think I have issues with it (unless infrequency is an issue )

No? Didn't you just say you feel your wife is "permanently broke" although you were never let her know that? CPUNeck, here is the thing about your wife: on some level, she knows you feel that way. You can count on that.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by CPUNeck

No, don't think I have issues with it (unless infrequency is an issue )

No? Ok, lets see:

I've never let on to my wife I felt she was permanently broke,

Issue 1: You believe she will never be able to have a healthy sexual life. You believe that part of her identity is her incapability to enjoy sex enough to want to do it frequently purely for her own pleasure.

I just don't see how you could recover from being betrayed by your FATHER.

Issue 2 (related to Issue 1): You believe that the nature of the trauma caused her to be "permanently broke", and that the trauma was so awful, that she will never be able to overcome it.

Well mostly $$$.

Issue 3: You believe it takes a lot of money to help someone overcome their sexual issues.

You do realize that how you view someone influences tremendously how you behave toward them? Then based on how you behave toward someone, the other person reflects that back in how they behave toward you? Thus the beliefs you hold about someone tremendously impacts your relationship with that person. This holds true in sexual relations.

All three of these issues you have are beliefs that are false. She is fully capable of overcoming her trauma, and she is fully capable of enjoying sex so much that she may even want it more then you. However, if you view her (and thus treat her) as someone incapable of doing so, then it will inhibit your own actions toward her. And as Angela said, she will feel that in you, and thus she'll be more inhibited as well.

Furthermore, it does not necessarily cost a lot of money to help someone who is willing to overcome their issues. You've been married 18 years, so I assume you're in this for the long term? I assume you have many more decades together? So, what's it to taking many months to a year during your free time to educate yourself through reading books, asking questions on this forum, searching online for information on how someone can overcome their sexual issues and traumas? Then you can help both yourself, and your wife overcome both of your sexual issues. You could be giving both you, and her a truly wonderful gift.

It's been done by many other people.

[xyz]

CPUNeck,
You wrote:

I've never let on to my wife I felt she was permanently broke,

I don't know why I didn't remember this earlier. You really love your wife like anything. If you can do this for 18 yrs!!!!! You are sacrificing on so many fronts for such a long time and STILL want to go ahead with this for your whole life. I have never known anyone that too a male to do so many things for his wife. You love only her and no one else. Just have faith in both of you. But for ONCE try to be a normal human being with her.Try talking to her how you two can cover the gaps in your marriage and make it a more satisfying experience for both of you in every aspect. You two will celebrate Diamond Jubilee of your wedding with great grandchildren.

[gettingskinny]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

I'd say you're suffering from the grass is greener syndrome...

...when, as far as I can tell, the grass is not greener at all on the other side of the street.

I agree. You have this great life that you say you are happy with and you are letting a past romance from 18 years ago effect you? You have a wonderful wife who has been with you and birthed 2 children that you also adore. You need to stop right now before you screw up the life you have an end up miserable like your ex! Fix what you need to with your wife. Stay in your marriage and work on that. Don't run to a fantasy life that is going to end up sucking! Your wife deserves that from you, just like you would deserve that from her! This is your companion that you chose and you have a family with her. Focus on that, not your ex.

[CPUNeck]

Well, when I finally get back home from this training, barring a deployment, we'll seek some help. I don't really know where to start/who to contact. It certainly isn't a subject we are shy about discussing, just not sure of the next step.

I must say though, it is an exciting thought of my wife having a sex drive! After we were married she told me she had never had an orgasm cause her dad broke that. Well I didn't buy that for a minute, and after LOTS of enjoyable practice (months), I succeeded!! So that gave us the impression things were getting better. But perhaps they still can get better, we'll hope.

[xyz]

You are really a wonderful husband any woman can dream of. I have never known that people like you exist on this earth who can give up so much for a marriage. Your marriage has all the ingredients of an incredible love story. All the best.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by CPUNeck

Well, when I finally get back home from this training, barring a deployment, we'll seek some help. I don't really know where to start/who to contact. It certainly isn't a subject we are shy about discussing, just not sure of the next step.

Terrific! You could start now by starting a new thread to ask that kind of questions in this forum of how to start. You could mention this situation and mention the caveat you don't have much money to spend. If you don't get the kind of answer that can help you on here, you could do a search online, or ask for what kind of books are helpful in this regard, or search for a more sexuality-oriented website.

Learning how to change some of your own beliefs can be helpful in this regard. Furthermore, you can also ask/search for how to overcome trauma so they have absolutely no effect on your life, and the life of others. So even looking up non-sexuality stuff can help out.

After we were married she told me she had never had an orgasm cause her dad broke that. Well I didn't buy that for a minute, and after LOTS of enjoyable practice (months), I succeeded!!

That's awesome! Congrats . You seem to already have a good base from which to start from.

So that gave us the impression things were getting better. But perhaps they still can get better, we'll hope.

Wish you the best! You certainly have a lot going for you.

[gettingskinny]

Originally Posted by CPUNeck

Well, when I finally get back home from this training, barring a deployment, we'll seek some help. I don't really know where to start/who to contact. It certainly isn't a subject we are shy about discussing, just not sure of the next step.

I must say though, it is an exciting thought of my wife having a sex drive! After we were married she told me she had never had an orgasm cause her dad broke that. Well I didn't buy that for a minute, and after LOTS of enjoyable practice (months), I succeeded!! So that gave us the impression things were getting better. But perhaps they still can get better, we'll hope.

That is wonderful. I'm so happy that you are going to work things out further w/your wife!

[PerDev]

I believe your first and formost priority is family as you have takken decision to be commited to it for life's long haul