Like suddenly loosing a limb

[bear]

Last Monday I told my wife we'd both be better off walking away from our marriage. We've been married 4 years, and it's always been a very bumpy ride.

She suffers from a very low self-esteem issue, and fully reliant on me for pulling her up when she's down. She has a history of eating disorder. It has been a down slope experience, the last two years being absolutely terrible. She would yell at me for no reason at all, I might just simply ask her to repeat what she told me, because I was in another room and didn't catch it properly. She'd reach a high level of joy only to be followed by extreme lows, then I spend the next 5-6 hours trying to lift her spirits again, only for the same routine to happen every 1-2 weeks.

At one time she was cheating on me, but I felt so strongly for her I forgave her and let it go, only for it to arise later as an issue for me.

It all got the best of me, and 8 months ago I told her enough is enough, either get professional help or I'm gone. I've advocated for her to get professional help for many years, but she refused. We went to couple's therapy, but I was totally worn out, gradually my love and affection had faded due to the constant stress she put on my life. I would rather stay at work for 12-14 hours than come home. I'd be walking on needles when I first came home. I dreaded the weekends, having entire days alone with her.

After and during therapy she started to understand what she had put me through, and after the 4th claim the world would be better off without her, I forced her to get professional help. She underwent 2 months with 1 session a week, and her self image started to improve, she really started to make an effort to save herself, and I was proud, made sure she understood I was proud.

But, after full-hearted attempts and dedication on my side to light the fire again, I couldn't. I would care for her deeply, but no more than a good friend would do, I didn't love her like a husband, hadn't for probably a year. So I ended it.

I told her she deserved to be with someone who could return the love she gave, and to be with someone who could love her to the full extent she deserved. I'm 26 years old, she's 24, we got married young, probably too young, our interests grew in separate directions, our dreams didn't correlate, it wasn't a healthy relationship.

But now, I'm going through the full range of emotions life has in store. I've gone from devastated to happy, confident I've done the right thing to unsecure. Especially feeling bad about ending a marriage, feeling bad towards her for hurting her, and a growing fear for her meeting someone new, although I wish her nothing but happiness, truly!

It is probably immature and natural, but still it's like a knife cutting my soul, thinking about her getting along without me, finding someone new. Thoughts about her getting intimate with someone. I'm really struggling with the jealousy part.

I feel amputated. Although I prepared for it, it still feels like I lost a limb. Thinking what could have been if that limb was still there. But I know, if we sorted things out and got back together, we'd be happy for a week or two, only to have the entire thing roll back and do the whole carousel ride once again.. for the [insert large number here]th time...

strange with life. strange with emotions.

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by bear

Last Monday I told my wife we'd both be better off walking away from our marriage. We've been married 4 years, and it's always been a very bumpy ride.

***

I feel amputated. Although I prepared for it, it still feels like I lost a limb. Thinking what could have been if that limb was still there. But I know, if we sorted things out and got back together, we'd be happy for a week or two, only to have the entire thing roll back and do the whole carousel ride once again.. for the [insert large number here]th time...

strange with life. strange with emotions.

I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal. It is a form of loss that has a fair bit in common with death ... you are grieving. It will make you crazy for awhile. Part of you doesn't want to let go.

No decision like this is clear cut. Your wife is not pure evil. She loved you in her way. Not everything about your relationship was bad ... there were good things too. So you never get 100% no-brainer moral clarity in making such a call.

I've went through something similar with my first wife, some 15 years ago. I stuck that marriage out for 15 years, far longer than I should have. I didn't have enough self respect or clarity to recognize the hopelessness of the situation and end the pain for us both ... it was my then-14 year old daughter begging me to end it for HER sake that finally woke me up.

So you see it could be worse -- you married a crazy woman but you didn't then get her with child. Twice. And then let it go on so long that you ended up damaging everyone involved.

Just make sure you spend significant time and effort on a serious post-mortem as to what motivated you to hook up with such a person in the first place -- so that it doesn't happen again. And don't chalk it up to pure bad decision making or bad luck. It's unlikely to be that simple.

Best,

--Bob