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Tripp444 · 11-04-2006, 01:33 PM

I would like to know if anyone else has the pleasure of having a completely unconscious partner and how they are handling it. Personally I think my marriage is... dissolving. My family and friends are having a hard time with this. I'm getting a lot of "Aren't you upset?" "Did you try counseling" "What did he do to you?" And although, I don't think I need to justify my decisions to other people, I am struggling with how to help the other people in my life make sense of this. My husband included. I think people are surprised by my complacency. I feel as though, there were two blissfully unaware people who got married... and then one of them woke up.
Is anyone else in the same situation? Anyone making the marriage work? Anyone throw in the towel?

kthdsn · 11-04-2006, 02:31 PM

I believe that if you don't want to spend the rest of your life with this person any more then you should explain that to him, divorce, and move on.

I completely agree that you shouldn't have to justify yourself to anybody else, but you obviously need to tell them something. I would simply tell them the truth, explain how you feel in the simplest way possible. If they don't understand then there is little you can do about it.

I broke up my first marriage because my husband was abusive and I realised that I didn't like him or need him in my life any more. Not really the same thing, but relevant. As soon as I ended my marriage, I discovered so many things I had been missing out on. Don't hold yourself back by staying in a relationship that's not right for you, get out there and discover the things YOU have been missing out on. You never know, you might meet another guy who is as awake as you are.

Hopefully your husband will also move on and find something he was missing out on as well. Good luck to you both.

Patrick · 11-04-2006, 03:54 PM

Hi Tripp444,

Please know that only you are the one that eventually makes the decision about maintaining or breaking this or any other relationship. Unless the other person involved beats you to it of course. There will be many people with many stories. About half of them have stories that end happily, whether or not the relationship is broken and the other half, you guessed it, end in pain. Again, whether or not the relationship is broken. You may learn something from these stories, but you still have to deal with YOUR situation, which is unique. Why? Because you are only involved in your own story and not in anyone else's.

A counselor will help you think about your situation. He or she might point you to something you haven't seen or thought about. Maybe you have already decided but don't know how to deal with it. When I hear your story, it sounds like there's a lot to talk about. Did you speak about this with friends? Do you want to?

Tripp444 · 11-04-2006, 04:33 PM

No, I dont really discuss this situation with friends. I dont believe any of my friends would give me good advice. Also, I dont think I want advice. I have been focusing on developing my own intuition and trying to figure out what my inner guidance is telling me to do. I pretty much have my mind made up. But dealing with the logistics of it all starts to really wear on a person's spirit.

Erin Pavlina · 11-04-2006, 04:37 PM

If your husband were to wake up and become aware and be more interested in personal growth, would you want to stay with him?

The only reason I ask is because I've definitely seen it happen, where one person wakes up and is able to wake up their partner, even though it might take a year or two. If the relationship is good otherwise you may not want to end it if that can be fixed. But if you've already decided to end it then that's fine too of course.

There's a good book Steve recommends called Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave (or the opposite order there).

Jill · 11-04-2006, 05:02 PM

Before you decide to leave, if -- as Erin asked -- you want to stay with him if he wakes up, perhaps you could try intending for him to wake up?

It's your world, create it the way you want it to be!

Dan.Linehan · 11-04-2006, 07:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jill

Before you decide to leave, if -- as Erin asked -- you want to stay with him if he wakes up, perhaps you could try intending for him to wake up?

That's great advice Jill. I think that's a great step.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tripp444

No, I dont really discuss this situation with friends. I dont believe any of my friends would give me good advice. Also, I dont think I want advice. I have been focusing on developing my own intuition and trying to figure out what my inner guidance is telling me to do. I pretty much have my mind made up. But dealing with the logistics of it all starts to really wear on a person's spirit.

Instead of seeing yourself as leaving your partner, try looking at it as you simply pursuing your passions in life. That should help with the logistics.

You can try staying married but pursuing your passions anyway. Then if a conflict arises it'll be a cut and dry choice. Is he trying to hold you back from growing or is he just not being a part of your life anymore? Either way, you're free to pursue what makes you happy, and he should understand that. But if things aren't at a breaking point now you can just keep doing what you want until they are; you don't have to worry about what might or might not happen in the future. He might surprise you still, and if he isn't directly holding you back what do you have to lose?

tgl · 11-05-2006, 07:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tripp444

No, I dont really discuss this situation with friends. I dont believe any of my friends would give me good advice. Also, I dont think I want advice. I have been focusing on developing my own intuition and trying to figure out what my inner guidance is telling me to do. I pretty much have my mind made up. But dealing with the logistics of it all starts to really wear on a person's spirit.

Sounds like you're ready to get out, it's just the planning of the getting out that is leading to some ... doubts? No. Not doubts. More like you'd like to know how to tackle the getting out. Is that right?

Patricia · 11-05-2006, 08:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

If your husband were to wake up and become aware and be more interested in personal growth, would you want to stay with him?

Right on spot, Erin. I completely agree - if the fact that he's not as aware as you are is the issue in your situation. Your answer to this question will give you a clear picture of how much you still want to be in this relationship (although it seems to me you already know the answer). I also believe that if "awareness" is the main issue, this can be changed. If there are other issues, though, then it's a completely different story.

Tripp444 · 11-05-2006, 02:18 PM

Erin,
Actually I bought another book that Steve recommended: "Should I Stay or Go?" The one about Controlled Separation. Which I think would be a good idea for us. It would be nice if a separation would "trigger" some kind of awareness in him.

Tripp444 · 11-05-2006, 02:24 PM

No, he's not holding me back in anyway... unless having a source of negative energy in my home can hold me back. Maybe it can to a small extent. Aside from being the caretaker for my son, he's really just not a part of my life anymore. I don't think it's solely an awareness issue. Or maybe it is. I just feel like he's still so ego-centered that we can't even connect. I can't even get inside his head. Everything that comes out of his mouth... I hear his ego talking. Like the relationship isn't even between us, it's between me and his ego. Does that make sense?

Wulfen · 11-05-2006, 03:59 PM

Tripp444,

Pardon me if I'm blunt, and correct me if my assumptions are wrong. I'll tell you what I think about your relationship.

The core problem is not that your husband is not aware. The core problem is that he is unable to attract you. A valuable trait for men is that they are leaders, and have initiative. Therefore, if you are a person that likes to grow and strive to be better, let me assume that the initiative in your relationship is in your shoulders. Again, correct me if I'm wrong here.

If that's true, then by you having the initiative he becomes less attractive in your eyes. Furthermore, if you try to change him, that makes him less of a man in your eyes. If he changed himself, he'd be more attractive, but if you force a change in him, he becomes less attractive because the initiative of the change comes from you.

It's a difficult problem indeed, and has no easy solution. The most you can do is point him to the material (for instance, this site) and hope he "gets it", before you reach the point of total lack of attraction to him.

Rock Hard, Ride Free,

Wulfen

Tripp444 · 11-05-2006, 08:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wulfen

Tripp444,

Pardon me if I'm blunt, and correct me if my assumptions are wrong. I'll tell you what I think about your relationship.

The core problem is not that your husband is not aware. The core problem is that he is unable to attract you. A valuable trait for men is that they are leaders, and have initiative. Therefore, if you are a person that likes to grow and strive to be better, let me assume that the initiative in your relationship is in your shoulders. Again, correct me if I'm wrong here.

If that's true, then by you having the initiative he becomes less attractive in your eyes. Furthermore, if you try to change him, that makes him less of a man in your eyes. If he changed himself, he'd be more attractive, but if you force a change in him, he becomes less attractive because the initiative of the change comes from you.

It's a difficult problem indeed, and has no easy solution. The most you can do is point him to the material (for instance, this site) and hope he "gets it", before you reach the point of total lack of attraction to him.

Rock Hard, Ride Free,

Wulfen

Wow. That's a really good point. I never thought about it like that before....

Belle · 11-05-2006, 09:04 PM

Something else that might help is sitting down with yourself and getting very clear in your mind what it is that YOU want in your relationship. Forget for a moment about what your husband is or isn't - what exactly is it that you would like to have in a partner? I think that often, until we get clear ourselves on exactly what it is that we want, the external situation will often stay the same or get worse.

The other aspect of this is that by getting clear on what you want, you end up focusing on what you do want in your life, and not on what you lack. And since you get more of what you focus on, it's a good tool to enhance your focus clearly on what you want and not what you don't want. It's something that has definitely worked for me in the past with my relationships.

Tripp444 · 11-06-2006, 12:48 PM

You know, I was wondering if thinking about the things that I DO want is what is causing the relationship to fail. I had started doing that a while ago. I started focusing on all the things that I wanted in a partner. I was really trying to keep stay very positive about it, not dwell on the negative. It almost seemed like my husband and I started to drift apart even more. I think I am just going to keep on what I'm doing. I'm trying to stay really positive about the whole thing. I figure if I do that, then I can't go wrong.

Belle · 11-06-2006, 03:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tripp444

You know, I was wondering if thinking about the things that I DO want is what is causing the relationship to fail. I had started doing that a while ago. I started focusing on all the things that I wanted in a partner. I was really trying to keep stay very positive about it, not dwell on the negative. It almost seemed like my husband and I started to drift apart even more. I think I am just going to keep on what I'm doing. I'm trying to stay really positive about the whole thing. I figure if I do that, then I can't go wrong.

I really do think that you can't go wrong by focusing on what you do want in a relationship. The other thing that helps - it seems to go hand in hand with focusing on what you want - is to, at the same time, become appreciative of all the things about your partner that you DO like.

I think part of it is that it can be difficult to focus on what you want without feeling that sense of lack in your life, no matter how positive you try to be, but if you also find things to appreciate in your current situation, it seems to take care of that feeling of lack.

And ultimately, it may be that the best thing for you is to have a new beginning. Or your husband might come up to speed with where you are. It sounds like you're going about all of this in a very good way!

11-04-2006, 01:33 PM	#1 (permalink)
Tripp444 Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Manassas Park, VA Posts: 53	Marriage and Awareness I would like to know if anyone else has the pleasure of having a completely unconscious partner and how they are handling it. Personally I think my marriage is... dissolving. My family and friends are having a hard time with this. I'm getting a lot of "Aren't you upset?" "Did you try counseling" "What did he do to you?" And although, I don't think I need to justify my decisions to other people, I am struggling with how to help the other people in my life make sense of this. My husband included. I think people are surprised by my complacency. I feel as though, there were two blissfully unaware people who got married... and then one of them woke up. Is anyone else in the same situation? Anyone making the marriage work? Anyone throw in the towel?

11-04-2006, 04:37 PM	#5 (permalink)
Erin Pavlina Administrator Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Las Vegas, NV Posts: 4,593	If your husband were to wake up and become aware and be more interested in personal growth, would you want to stay with him? The only reason I ask is because I've definitely seen it happen, where one person wakes up and is able to wake up their partner, even though it might take a year or two. If the relationship is good otherwise you may not want to end it if that can be fixed. But if you've already decided to end it then that's fine too of course. There's a good book Steve recommends called Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave (or the opposite order there). __________________ Erin Pavlina, Intuitive Counselor Connect with me on: Facebook

11-05-2006, 03:59 PM	#12 (permalink)
Wulfen Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 91	Tripp444, Pardon me if I'm blunt, and correct me if my assumptions are wrong. I'll tell you what I think about your relationship. The core problem is not that your husband is not aware. The core problem is that he is unable to attract you. A valuable trait for men is that they are leaders, and have initiative. Therefore, if you are a person that likes to grow and strive to be better, let me assume that the initiative in your relationship is in your shoulders. Again, correct me if I'm wrong here. If that's true, then by you having the initiative he becomes less attractive in your eyes. Furthermore, if you try to change him, that makes him less of a man in your eyes. If he changed himself, he'd be more attractive, but if you force a change in him, he becomes less attractive because the initiative of the change comes from you. It's a difficult problem indeed, and has no easy solution. The most you can do is point him to the material (for instance, this site) and hope he "gets it", before you reach the point of total lack of attraction to him. Rock Hard, Ride Free, Wulfen Last edited by Wulfen; 11-05-2006 at 04:05 PM.

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11-04-2006, 02:31 PM	#2 (permalink)
kthdsn Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Toronto Posts: 143	I believe that if you don't want to spend the rest of your life with this person any more then you should explain that to him, divorce, and move on. I completely agree that you shouldn't have to justify yourself to anybody else, but you obviously need to tell them something. I would simply tell them the truth, explain how you feel in the simplest way possible. If they don't understand then there is little you can do about it. I broke up my first marriage because my husband was abusive and I realised that I didn't like him or need him in my life any more. Not really the same thing, but relevant. As soon as I ended my marriage, I discovered so many things I had been missing out on. Don't hold yourself back by staying in a relationship that's not right for you, get out there and discover the things YOU have been missing out on. You never know, you might meet another guy who is as awake as you are. Hopefully your husband will also move on and find something he was missing out on as well. Good luck to you both.

11-04-2006, 03:54 PM	#3 (permalink)
Patrick Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 8	Hi Tripp444, Please know that only you are the one that eventually makes the decision about maintaining or breaking this or any other relationship. Unless the other person involved beats you to it of course. There will be many people with many stories. About half of them have stories that end happily, whether or not the relationship is broken and the other half, you guessed it, end in pain. Again, whether or not the relationship is broken. You may learn something from these stories, but you still have to deal with YOUR situation, which is unique. Why? Because you are only involved in your own story and not in anyone else's. A counselor will help you think about your situation. He or she might point you to something you haven't seen or thought about. Maybe you have already decided but don't know how to deal with it. When I hear your story, it sounds like there's a lot to talk about. Did you speak about this with friends? Do you want to?

11-04-2006, 04:33 PM	#4 (permalink)
Tripp444 Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Manassas Park, VA Posts: 53	No, I dont really discuss this situation with friends. I dont believe any of my friends would give me good advice. Also, I dont think I want advice. I have been focusing on developing my own intuition and trying to figure out what my inner guidance is telling me to do. I pretty much have my mind made up. But dealing with the logistics of it all starts to really wear on a person's spirit.

11-04-2006, 05:02 PM	#6 (permalink)
Jill Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Ashland, MA Posts: 481	Before you decide to leave, if -- as Erin asked -- you want to stay with him if he wakes up, perhaps you could try intending for him to wake up? It's your world, create it the way you want it to be!

11-05-2006, 02:18 PM	#10 (permalink)
Tripp444 Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Manassas Park, VA Posts: 53	Erin, Actually I bought another book that Steve recommended: "Should I Stay or Go?" The one about Controlled Separation. Which I think would be a good idea for us. It would be nice if a separation would "trigger" some kind of awareness in him.

11-05-2006, 02:24 PM	#11 (permalink)
Tripp444 Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Manassas Park, VA Posts: 53	No, he's not holding me back in anyway... unless having a source of negative energy in my home can hold me back. Maybe it can to a small extent. Aside from being the caretaker for my son, he's really just not a part of my life anymore. I don't think it's solely an awareness issue. Or maybe it is. I just feel like he's still so ego-centered that we can't even connect. I can't even get inside his head. Everything that comes out of his mouth... I hear his ego talking. Like the relationship isn't even between us, it's between me and his ego. Does that make sense?

11-05-2006, 09:04 PM	#14 (permalink)
Belle Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Canada Posts: 36	Something else that might help is sitting down with yourself and getting very clear in your mind what it is that YOU want in your relationship. Forget for a moment about what your husband is or isn't - what exactly is it that you would like to have in a partner? I think that often, until we get clear ourselves on exactly what it is that we want, the external situation will often stay the same or get worse. The other aspect of this is that by getting clear on what you want, you end up focusing on what you do want in your life, and not on what you lack. And since you get more of what you focus on, it's a good tool to enhance your focus clearly on what you want and not what you don't want. It's something that has definitely worked for me in the past with my relationships.

11-06-2006, 12:48 PM	#15 (permalink)
Tripp444 Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Manassas Park, VA Posts: 53	You know, I was wondering if thinking about the things that I DO want is what is causing the relationship to fail. I had started doing that a while ago. I started focusing on all the things that I wanted in a partner. I was really trying to keep stay very positive about it, not dwell on the negative. It almost seemed like my husband and I started to drift apart even more. I think I am just going to keep on what I'm doing. I'm trying to stay really positive about the whole thing. I figure if I do that, then I can't go wrong.

Personal Development for Smart PeopleTM Forums

Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums