Attention all male perspectives!!!

[confirmed6475]

Hey fellows!

I would like to pose a question to the male species in regards to personal relationships.

When the guy breaks up with the girl and says it just isn't going to work out and he basically drops off the face of the earth, what is a woman to do?

What is a practical way of looking at this situation which devastates women and sends them into an emotional tail spin.

We want to talk, talk, talk, talk about it and men want to do quite the opposite.

So, in order not to run the guy off because there could be potential in the future what do you adivse specifically for the female species to do?

If we can understand each other then we can work together

[Xin]

Ignore him, and if you seem him, act like nothing ever happened. Just act towards him as you would towards any other person. Again, do not show this has affected you in any way.

This way, he'll be wondering "What the hell? She doesn't care about ME?" and he'll probably initiate contact with you. If he doesn't, there's not much you can do about it.

I think that's it. If you act like what happened didn't affect you, he will wonder what about you makes you so "above-him", if you know what I mean. That's just what I think.

LOL, now don't go hurt that man on purpose!

[danas]

I think it really depends what kind of it relationship was.
Ive never experienced this, but Ive seen some women who have and got the guy to really fall in love with them and commit.

I noticed something, these girls always stayed in the area somehow, they didnt ask for anything in return but didnt disappear either.
Played the role of the friend.
One girl lent the guy who broke up with her money and he paid her back every month, that way they kept meeting and he saw that she was really a friend who cared about him unconditionally. Now they are married, and hes crazy about her.
Another girl was with a guy who didnt want to commit at all, so she said sure lets just have sex, no strings (even though she was crazy about him) so they did, One day he looked at her and said "i cant believe it Ive fallen in love with you!"
they are happily married too.
I met a guy today who told me he and his wife were seperated for half a year, now they are back and he is very happy.
kindness and unconditional love seems to be a key here.

[confirmed6475]

Thanks Xin.

In my research on how to behave properly as a woman in this situation I have seen your response repeatedly. Which leads me to believe is that what makes men tick is to have that challenge. For him to be able to prove himself. Whether that be in his profession or personal life.

My fear is that he'll see that behavior and move on thinking that I don't care. But I see now that's a woman's point of view.

It's a game (and I don't mean that in a bad way) but men have to know how to handle us and vis versa.

I'm at the point where I care and want this guy so I am willing to pay attention to what he needs even though it feels so against my grain!

Any other thoughts will be appreciated and help me get through without jepordizing the potential.

[The Cloud]

I think the trick is not to understand others, but to understand yourself. If you are who you are, and don't alter your behaviors just to accommodate somebody else, then you will be happier because you will be more yourself. Also, if you do this then you'll only end up with people you truly love because you won't have to put on a show of acceptance for the things about people that you don't love.

This may make it more difficult to find a relationship, but the ones you do find will be higher quality because there will be complete honesty between the involved parties. No guys having to lie when the girlfriend asks "does this make me look fat?" No girls feeling like they can't connect with their boyfriend because he won't discuss his feelings. Just two people mutually respecting each other exactly as the other person is. No bs, no "compromise," no false compliments.

What it boils down to is don't be afraid to be what you are and to allow others the opportunity to find out what that truly is. A truly good relationship is one where neither person has to compromise because both people accept the other as they are.

[Scooter]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

I think the trick is not to understand others, but to understand yourself.

Bingo!
Not all relationships with other people work but there is one that is a must and that is with yourself.

When the guy breaks up with the girl and says it just isn't going to work out and he basically drops off the face of the earth, what is a woman to do?

Move On! That is all you can do.
Put the shoe on the other foot, If you told a guy later dude, it ain't gonna work and disappeared what do you expect him to do?

Move On.

[confirmed6475]

Thanks The Cloud -- very philosophical point of view, however, I don't know how realistic it may be.

I wasn't implying on loosing myself to accomodate him but rather just understand what he's going through and respect that. How I would react to this situation is not necesarily how he would. To the contrary how a woman responds is not how a man would (sorry to generalize).

So, I'm just trying to get perspective from the male point of view. Xin confirmed a lot of what is said when men "have" to leave a relationship. The way to behave is to leave them alone and show them that we're not affected by the break up. You know how hard it is for a woman (sorry again to generalize) to ignore her feelings. We are emotional vessels for a lot of good reasons. However, at these times it seems to back fire when dealing with a man that wants 'out'.

Does that make sense?

[Angela]

Sorry, I'm a woman, but I've got a strong male side!

I just want to say that sometimes women have a hard time hearing what men say without making all kinds of meaning about it. But most men, I think, tell us the truth. If a man says, "this just isn't going to work out" he usually means just that, and not "this isn't going to work out, but if you prove to me you love me enough, maybe I'll change my mind."

I also think men are very unlikely to change their mind and want you back because you care about him so, so much. Rather, if a guy is going to have second thoughts, I think it's most often going to happen if he sees you deliberately living a life you love, regardless of his or anyone else's actions, thoughts, or words. Most people want to be around people who are generating their own life, rather than relying on others to do the generating.

The few exceptions -- the guys who will want you back because you care so, so much -- they are people who themselves are relying on others to do the generating, and that's not the kind of person you want to partner up with, is it?

If I were you, I would release the strategy of getting him back (which is an illusion, because you never really have a man, anyway) and focus on the strategy of being the source of a life you are head-over-heels in love with, regardless of what he or anybody else does.

Angelo

[confirmed6475]

I hear you but every situation is different.

There are times you just need to take a break because there could be other stresses in life and having to deal with your significant other just isn't capable.

The more I write I realize that even though he 'could' be under some stress why take the low road and say that our relationship of 2 years just isn't going to work out when the previous week we were making plans to go out of state on vacation?

He contradicted himself and as said earlier the explanation that when he feels too much pressure, in order to release he says goodbye. But why has he come back in the past?

So I really don't think he's telling me to get lost. Trust me, I ain't that head over heals!

[confirmed6475]

Angela you are a wise soul!

You keep giving advice to which I don't necesarily want to hear, however, it DOES give me clarity.

The truth hurts but that's what will get you forward. Thank you.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by confirmed6475

There are times you just need to take a break because there could be other stresses in life and having to deal with your significant other just isn't capable.

If this is one of those times, confirmed, don't you wish to honor his request? If he has other stresses in his life and dealing with you just isn't something he can do right now, wouldn't it be most honorable to grant him that, and take yourself off the list of stresses, at least temporarily? Even having to deal with you "helping" him or "caring about him" is something that is probably occuring for him as a stressor.

Sometimes you've just got to give a person room to breathe, and that means giving yourself room to breathe.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by confirmed6475

You keep giving advice to which I don't necesarily want to hear.

Yeah, that seems to be my special genius, dagnabit.

I can hear you expressing your desire for a life you're in love with, and that's why I persevere. When it's clear to me that someone has no real desire to live a life they're in love with (and there are a surprising number of people who don't!) I just don't bother, because I don't have resources for them.

[confirmed6475]

again, you speak the truth

I think I'm just afraid to let him go and that is my own insecurity!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by confirmed6475

again, you speak the truth

I think I'm just afraid to let him go and that is my own insecurity!

Yeah, I get that! It almost feels like you're going to die some small death if you let go, doesn't it? I've been there! And really, it's true. What dies is something that needs to die: the part of you that believes that your well-being depends on the actions of another person. I'm dealing with another aspect of that in my life -- the death throes of a belief, and sometimes it's not easy.

I promise you that there is a day sometime in the not-so-distant future when you'll look back on this whole episode and realize that it was totally necessary in building the you who loves her life, a turning point you will be grateful for, a time you will look back on yourself with great love. I hope that helps you to feel a little better, and helps you to loosen the grip a little.

Lots of love.

[confirmed6475]

tears, tears and more tears......hopefully cleansing myself of the situation and grieving.

Found out about "Emotional Freedom Technique" and fortunately found a workshop in my city. I think I can be strong but I also need to learn to replace the weak tools with some stronger ones.

I want to thank again for your support which is so very wise and awakening. I'll keep you posted and I search your advice on all other threads!

[Angela]

Check in with {aspiring to clarity}. She's been going through something similar and has had a lot of insights -- you two could be Break-up Buddies! (and we can check you both in to the Pain Hospital for some colorful cocktails and half-naked male nurses.)

[mncz]

Originally Posted by Angela

Check in with {aspiring to clarity}. She's been going through something similar and has had a lot of insights -- you two could be Break-up Buddies! (and we can check you both in to the Pain Hospital for some colorful cocktails and half-naked male nurses.)

Can I join?
I am again in the place where I feel really bad about breaking up with my ex. I am figuring out all the stuff I could have done in a different way, changing myself etc. I know with my logic that it is all nonsense, but my emotions are wreaking a havoc on me

When I finally get over this, I want to put up a local web site in our language for people who have all kinds of depressive disorders and their mates to have mutual support and also for people who break up their relationship for the better to have support much like this forum is. It is unbelievably relieving to know that there other people in the world who are in the same pain I am and to know that this will eventually get better.

[confirmed6475]

Angela -- I kinda already checked myself into your hospital since reading {aspiring to clarity's} thread since the minute I woke up this morning.

We are going through the EXACT same thing and she has been able to verbalize a lot of my pain.

{mncz} you mention that 'you' want to break up with your significant other....all I ask is to keep in mind what the break-upee has to go through when given the news. I know it's hard for you, however, you may have already had these break up thoughts and he/she will be shocked at the news?

I do like your idea of having a site for these phases in our lives because nobody wants to feel this pain alone. I'd be happy to partner up with you and we can provide a balanced amount of advice since relationships do involve two perspectives.

[mncz]

I have already broken up with him . Now twice and for real. That relationship was the case of the following:
1) we both felt as if we had figured out that we are the true person for each other to spend our lives with
2) we were not entirely emotionally in love with each other
3) still we felt as if that was a good deal, since we had LOADS of stuff in common, and we felt commited enough to pursue it
4) he was still in pain over his previous relationship (5 years) and I felt as if I should help him out and relieve him of his pain
5) I kept donating for about 10 months
6) I got very little in return, although, as any other couple, we had our fair share of happy moments
7) we broke up since he was blaming me for most of his bad feelings and I basically could not stand it
8) he got diagnosed with clinical depression (apparently his condition had begun over 10 years ago)
9) I felt EXTREMELY guilty (on the course "I should have known this earlier") and when he came and asked me to return, I agreed
10) happy days lasted for a very short time
11) I saw him reverting to his old ways rapidly
12) we broke up AGAIN (I told him I am hurt by his behavior and I feel as if I have invested enough in our relationship and I cant carry it all on my own) and I am in more pain.
13) I am still not sure whether I did the right thing, since he is sick. but he needs time away from me to learn to manage his life. but I am not there and cannot support him. I am not always the best person on earth either, so perhaps I could have done some stuff in a different/more supporting way. I want to find a LLTMBR, but I am not sure if he was not the best person for me. he abused me emotionally.but he is sick! well, look at your relationship situation from the perspective of abundance. etc.

Anyways, this should deserve its own thread, but I dont want to bother people.

I will stick to the site idea though. It will take months until I get to it since I have loads of other work stuff in my life, but eventually I will and thanks for support!

PS I live in a non-english speaking country and you would be surprised at how little information we have here for this kind of trouble. Basically, the common attitude still goes, if you admit that you are treated by psychiatrist, you have a stamp on your forehead for life. Medieval ages!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

Even having to deal with you "helping" him or "caring about him" is something that is probably occuring for him as a stressor.

This is gold. You know when I really look at it and think about a conversation he and I had right after the break up, it is clear that me worrying about him and being sad is too much for him to deal with now along with his own stresses and sadness.

Sometimes lack of communication is a self and ex preservation technique! He said, "I can hear the pain in your voice and I just can't bear to talk to you." Hmmm, maybe that's why it took him a month to call me.

Point is, we can't and don't really know what the other person is going through. Just because they did the leaving doesn't mean they don't feel the pain.

[confirmed6475]

Xin, I need male perspective again!

I've talked with him briefly and he acts so cold and short with me. I took your advice and behaved as though he was any other person I would meet.

What I'm having a hard time with is how can he act that way considering what was said right before the break up? Is being tough, aloof and cold the way a guy deals? That way if he toughens up he can survive past the pain?

Turning off emotions like that to me is insane. How can you go from being so close with someone to acting as if they were a stranger?

It really hurts that he's behaving this way. Don't misunderstand me. I know I can do absolutely nothing as far as his behavior. So I figure if I can understand him and if that's the way he copes I won't take this break up so damn personal. I believe it takes two and he's making me feel as if I'm to blame for all of this.....?

Please, most men react the same (and again sorry for generalizing) so it really helps to hear from another male perhaps what he sees is going on?

Thanks for your time here.

[JimOfferman]

My guess is that he is still working through his emotions and feelings about the break up. The coldness is his way to maintain a distance between the two of you. He cannot be warm to you now, because that only creates confusion in his head.

At any rate, I think that how he behaves has more to do with him being him than with you being you.

[confirmed6475]

Thanks JimOfferman!

For me personally there is clarity and understanding when I can hear the other side of the situation. It helps me accept it faster. Otherwise my mind goes crazy trying to figure it out and instills a lot of doubt which is maddening.

I appreciate your insight because that has been a thought but you confirming it relieves all the doubt that I've been having.

I have to say that I've been trying to get him to think like a woman and how he should react to this situation. However, as you stated getting 'close' gives him confusion so therefore he can't resolve the problem. Again, male oriented way of thinking....i.e. 'problem, solution, move on'. Women unfortunately, like to dwell in the emotions for waaaay to long and we only end up driving ourselves crazy!

An important thought to all women is that you can't make him reassure you with emotions so the key is that YOU have to be able to do that yourself. If you constantly rely on him to reassure you, you will be one dependent gal. Which only leads to frustration when he can't deliver!

Again JimOfferman, taking a few minutes to share that with me along with all the other research that I've been doing is very theraputic for me and I thank you!

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by confirmed6475

Women unfortunately, like to dwell in the emotions for waaaay to long and we only end up driving ourselves crazy!

Trust me, it's not only women who do that... just talk to Chado for a view from the other side of the coin.

Btw. I've willed myself out trying to understand everyone's motivations all the time. The things you end up fretting about are almost always situations where the person you try to make sense of doesn't fully understand why (s)he behaved a certain way - and if they don't even know, how the heck can you know?

And, ultimately, it's not all that important to know either. What is important, is to understand why you react a certain way. Why? Because that is where things are coming under your control again. As has been said many, many times on this forum: you cannot control others, only yourself.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Trust me, it's not only women who do that... just talk to Chado for a view from the other side of the coin.

Btw. I've willed myself out trying to understand everyone's motivations all the time. The things you end up fretting about are almost always situations where the person you try to make sense of doesn't fully understand why (s)he behaved a certain way - and if they don't even know, how the heck can you know?

And, ultimately, it's not all that important to know either. What is important, is to understand why you react a certain way. Why? Because that is where things are coming under your control again. As has been said many, many times on this forum: you cannot control others, only yourself.

Golden!

Confirmed, he may not even know why he's doing this so it's pointless for you to try to figure it out. Even if he does know, there's no guarantee you would understand or agree with his reasons.

If you got any of Byron Katie's books (I have found them in the local library) read the part about business. Being in someone else's business is a recipe for pain. He's over there, you're over there and no one is here with you!

[confirmed6475]

Aspiring -- I'm a hands on gal and what I'd really like to do and which is more effective for me is to actually go to a workshop, seminar, etc. for Byron Katie. I looked through her website quite a bit and printed out the worksheets she offers.

Again, things that are hands on for me work best.

So I'll most like do EFT first and keep doing her worksheets at home.

Update on communication with him is that I am headed over to his house to collect all of the remaining items I have over there and I'm actually excited to see how well this EFT is. I've very immaturely been practicing on my own but I do feel different. When I'm feeling anxious I apply and once I'm done I do feel a sense of relief. Those are the moments that make you do really stupid things and that's why I decided once I experienced it first hand that I wanted to more about it.

Bottom line it's like you're being released from emotional prison. Nobody wants to suffer and this technique seems to be the key for me!

Anyway, I'll keep you posted on the experience this afternoon. I have no expectations and I feel calm. I intend to be friendly and if he doesn't respond I will politely say good bye!

Talk with you guys soon!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Good luck.

I am glad that EFT has been a good thing for you. Certainly do what works best for you!!

[Brutha]

I believe it takes two and he's making me feel as if I'm to blame for all of this.....?

There is no blame but you are responsible for your own well being.
You are free to either choose to feel bad or to feel good regardles of his actions.

The more I write I realize that even though he 'could' be under some stress why take the low road and say that our relationship of 2 years just isn't going to work out when the previous week we were making plans to go out of state on vacation?

Probably it wasn't the too of you that were making planes but you alone. That created pressure on him.

Turning off emotions like that to me is insane. How can you go from being so close with someone to acting as if they were a stranger?

As long as you want to judge his behavior you won't be able to understand it.

In general I also don't think that your situation has that much today with being a woman.
When one partner wants to leave a relationship and the other wants to continue it there is a conflict.
The person who wants to continue the relationship wants to talk about it and the other person doesn't.
In general trying to control the person who made the decision to leave is no good decision whether you are male or female.
It just creates resistence.

[Liveformx64]

Coming from a Guys perspective. "This just isn't working out" can only mean one thing, He wants out...

Considering the way he broke up with you, he was obviously unsatisfied with one or more factors in the relationship.

Personally, two reasons I would say that to a girl would be the following.

"I am bored and unchallenged with the relationship. it isn't going any where." AKA loss of attraction.

OR:

"I realize I have problems, that I can only work out by myself. I love you and care for you, but I have to do this on my own."

Only you and he will know which one it was.

But you can find solace in this. If you know you were the best person you could have been by treating him fairly being honest with him, and so on. It wasn't your fault, and he obviously doesn't feel he deserves you, when in reality he probably doesn't

On the other hand if you were hurtful, selfish, or emotionally unavailable, you have a great opportunity to turn this energy of sadness into a energy of self improvement and change so that you can enter a positive fulfilling relationship with fresh ideals and a better perspective when the time comes.

[confirmed6475]

Thanks Liveformx64 I totally appreciate your insight.

I find it really interesting that you've narrowed it down to two options and I feel confident and a little disheartened that it's the second one.

By far it's not the first choice since I spoke with him yesterday and he implied getting together for only one thing......didn't really appreciate that offer under these circumstances. However, it clarified to me how committed he is to this relationship.

I'm disheartened (if your theory of working it out on his own is correct) because we shared many intimate moments where I told him I would never judge his feelings. I would respect anything he had to talk to me about and I thought we were cool on that subject. By the same token I can see your point about wanting to work it out himself. He's pretty tough on the outside and quite gentle on the inside, that's what I really liked about the guy.

At the end because he wouldn't open up I did get frustrated because he just clamed up and jumped ship. We're on speaking terms but I know he doesn't want to discuss anything right now. For my sanity I did have to write him a short letter and point out some things in my defense (I was kind about it because I really didn't want it to end) and I ended the letter in a very positive way. I don't know if he read it though? I hope he did, maybe one day he'll tell me.

Anyhow, it has made me realize that maybe there are some things he needs to work out for himself and I have some things I will work on.

As the saying goes "if it's meant to be....." The more time I have on my own, now I know it was good to part ways. This is just hard to do when you've talked to someone everyday for the past 2 years.

Again, I have to promote EFT for anyone out there that is in such misery that you want to crawl in bed and not wake up for a few months. Google it and start reading. I really didn't think I could bear the pain but it's amazing what the mind and body will do if you have it running in good order.

Anyway guys I'm rambling here but if there are any other guys that have other points of views I'm open to jotting them down because it helps me understand him and see what he's going through.

Thanks guys (and girls)!