Attention all male perspectives!!!

[confirmed6475]

Liveformx64 -- quick question......"why can't guys work their troubles out IN a relationship?" "why do they have to clean the slate in order to do their work?"

So not a girl's point of view!

[confirmed6475]

any males have a perspective on the above question?

Really need to keep up on the understanding of how you folks are wired....

[JimOfferman]

I don't think that's a guy's point of view per se either.

If anything, I think it's mostly the break-upper who needs the clean slate and the break-uppee is usually the one who wants to work through their problems.

[confirmed6475]

Hi Jim -- having a bad day today and want nothing else but to call my ex and just 'talk'. I miss him tremendously and although I've been trying to keep my schedule full to the brim, I just can't stop thinking about the guy.

Yesterday I invited him to a party this weekend and his only response was that the last thing he wants to see is guys hitting on me or vis versa. I don't want to over analyze the comment but does it not sound to you that there are still feelings there? Or is it my desparate state of mind that makes me want to believe that there is still hope? And that right now he just needs his 'space'?

Help, I know I need to move forward but I'm tormented in just wanting to reconnect with him. I don't expect for us to get back together now, but as I've mentioned before, 'how can you go from having your life woven together with someone for 2 years and then treat each other like strangers?'

I think what I just can't deal with is this 'cold turkey' concept. If we can't have a relationship then I'd like to be friends. Because we were good friends in our relationship.

Ok, I have to stop spinning and get clarity from you or anyone out there!

[Angela]

Confirmed, here's what I hear you focusing on: Lack, lack, lack. You are like the little afLACK duck.

You are focusing on what you are not getting from others, from external circumstances. You are focusing on thoughts of need, not creation. So you get more neediness, more lack. I think you have transferred this feeling of needing something from your ex-boyfriend onto the men here, and specifically, onto Jim, so now you are feeding your need and your lack more. That does not feel good, does it?

You keep declaring over and over again in different words: "Things should be other than what they are." You hide that from yourself by thinking, if only I could understand! This just doesn't make sense! And underneath you are thinking (I think) If I could understand and make sense of it, then I could control it, and get what I want. But that doesn't feel good either, does it?

When you think, say and act in accordance with need and lack, you generate a space of No Freedom for yourself and for others. I don't think that is what you want, is it? What you want, you can generate if you choose to; but asking others to generate it for you creates that no freedom space. So, confirmed, what do you want to generate that will FEEL GOOD? Something specific enough to feel good, but not so specific that it feels bad?

What are you WILLING to generate?

[confirmed6475]

Ok, logically I hear you loud and clear. I won't argue with you that I feel needy! Is that a crime? I wholeheartedly belive in balance and that's what I'm trying to do. If I was extremely needy then I'd be begging him back but I'm not. I'm active and getting myself out there so I can move on.

Trying to understand his perspective, believe it or not, helps me move on. As in other threads with the common problem, I've found insight into his behavior from reading the break-upee's perspective and what is going on in their heads.

The more I write Angela I have tell you that the break up was sudden, little to no explanation, and quite the contrary to what we had discussed in the past. Again, I've been advised to take his few words, accept them and move on. However, because of our past experiences and speaking to him just yesterday he's mentioned how hard this is and the confusion he has.

I'm willing to respect his 'space' (which I didn't understand the purpose of that before) and find 'my space' to grow.

Emotionally I'm just not satisfied and trust me I don't need to have this going on. I'm trying to find closure. Is it wrong to ask him or others? Is the only answer to depend on myself solely and completely?

I appreciate your advice. Please be kind. I do want to hear the truth, it's just right now I can't swallow it down by the gallons but rather I"m taking one tablespoon at a time =-))

[Angela]

I just sent you a pm.

This thing about closure, and not being satisfied. I can feel your desperate 'need' to feel good about what has happened; your 'need' to *get* something from someone so that you can get past feeling bad. It's not wrong to ask that of others. But it does work against you to *demand* it, and that's how your communication is coming across, even if you don't think of it that way.

What I mean is: you're effectively telling the universe, "look, universe, before I am willing to be happy, I must have closure, I must have understanding, and you're going to have to provide it to me." The universe, and the people in it, are not necessarily going to give in to you holding your own happiness hostage. Do you see what I mean? Your ex is going to do what he's going to do, and everybody else is going to tend to their own well-being, and all of that is not necessarily going to give you what you want -- closure and understanding. As long as you demand what you want externally, rather than being a SOURCE of it, you are sentencing yourself to dissatisfaction and pain. And you will bring that dissatisfaction and pain into all your future relationships. Can you see how that will not be effective in getting what you want in a LLTMBR?

I'm sorry to be tough , but I want to rap on your noggin and remind you of what you already know: what you want is not something you can get from outside you. If you want it, generate it; Be it. Let go of holding this guy responsible for closure; let go of considering that Jim or other men or anybody other than yourself is the source of what you're looking for.

You may very well need to go through a period of pain. You may just need to give yourself permission to really feel the pain you're trying so hard to 'cope' with. You can't really cope with pain, you can't really get closure on it. Sometimes you just have to feel what you feel, and then generate what there is to generate.

And...you can start to feel better right now, on purpose. By deliberately thinking thoughts that feel good when you think them.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Yep, when you stop fighting the pain so hard and stop trying so hard to make it go away or understand all the intricate, subtle meaning in human interaction and just let it be and feel it it's much easier to then move past it.

I really know what you are talking about when you want closure and just want to know what he's thinking and all the why's. But honestly, knowing those things won't make it better. You will find some other thing to need next. Unless you fill yourself up -- like Angela says, generate what you want, BE it! I understand totally where you are coming from, but I've found that the tactics don't work. And this route does.

Good luck. And do keep respecting the boundaries he has. Just because he's confused, just because he misses you, just because he doen't want to go to a party and see other guys flirt with you...doesn't mean he wants to be in a relationship with you. He's been clear about what he wants, even though it seems ambiguous when you start looking for the little cracks in his logic. It's not about it making sense. It just is what it is.

[JimOfferman]

Listen to what the nice ladies say, Confirmed, because they are right!

Let go of what was and focus on what is and what will be. I cannot stress enough how much easier your life becomes once you have figured out that Here and Now is what matters the most. Tomorrow matters just a little bit less. Yesterday is just yesterday.

You can't keep looking over your shoulder all the time, you have to see what's right in front of you.

[confirmed6475]

thanks Jim -- I hope you didn't feel I was imposing on you for your opinion.

I hear what they are saying and am taking it to heart. It's just been a bad day and tomorrow will be better!

I'm going to feel what I feel and look forward. It sure is a challenge living in the moment therefore I have my work cut out for me.

I appreciate everyone's support. I think everyone realizes that we all have good days and bad ones and when the bad ones are here it's good to have folks like yourself to be there for you.

Keep up the awesome work Moderators =-)

[JimOfferman]

Trust me, if I felt imposed upon you would know.

[Statikkk]

Confirmed, yesterday you said "tomorrow will be better".

Can you share with us what you are doing to generate that betterness for yourself today?

[confirmed6475]

Originally Posted by Statikkk

Confirmed, yesterday you said "tomorrow will be better".

Can you share with us what you are doing to generate that betterness for yourself today?

Good Morning Statikkk!

As recommended (and something I've always know but fight it at times) is to live in the present!

When I start thinking about the past and trying to analyze it, I try to stop myself and say "hey! there you go again wondering off to the past...let's stay in the here and now!"

When you think, say and act in accordance with need and lack, you generate a space of No Freedom for yourself and for others. I don't think that is what you want, is it? What you want, you can generate if you choose to; but asking others to generate it for you creates that no freedom space. So, confirmed, what do you want to generate that will FEEL GOOD? Something specific enough to feel good, but not so specific that it feels bad?

What are you WILLING to generate?

Angela has got her finger on the one thing that I have to develop in my life. That is to generate what I want in my life. In relationships I have just followed and been happy but if the other person veers off to do their own thing I do feel lost. I don't particularly like that feeling and end up kicking myself for not being more independent.

For me personally, it stems from my past and coming from a divorced family. I have an old message tape that goes off and sends me absolutely garbage information that doesn't apply to my current relationship. Therefore causes problems in the relationship.

So my goal day by day is to 'generate' things in my life for myself so I can be happy. What's interesting to me and I don't know if anyone can relate....is that I'm confident in all other parts of my life but when it comes to personal relationships there is a broken piece. That's what I need to concentrate on.

Ok, I'm rambling....so Statikkk "generating" is my new word for this year and hopefully the rest of my life.

How are things progressing for you and your family?