Why being DOMINANT, makes you more appealing to a woman?

[Jamie]

I know the word, perhaps has some negative (violent) connotations, but I really wanted to explore this theme.

Some of the ladies on another thread, mentioned that it's important for a man to make a lady feel 'protected'. How does this relate to DOMINANCE?

So, what exactly is DOMINANCE?

I have my own thoughts, in that it's knowing EXACTLY, what YOU want, and going for it in a very clear and concise manner, perhaps even with an outer, or external gentleness, but internally, knowing exactly what your agenda is, and following through, not being intimidated by any other guys, or implied threats of violence etc.

What do you guys (and ladies) think?

[Xin]

Chicks want to be lead.

Of course, what I just said is going to get me dissed - BUT - it's the truth. Sure, each person is different, but from what I observed, as a rule of thumb, girls want to be lead and tipically, men are the ones with a urge to lead.

[dancer]

Originally Posted by Jamie

I have my own thoughts, in that it's knowing EXACTLY, what YOU want, and going for it in a very clear and concise manner, perhaps even with an outer, or external gentleness, but internally, knowing exactly what your agenda is, and following through, not being intimidated by any other guys, or implied threats of violence etc.

What do you guys (and ladies) think?

This implies CONFIDENCE. For me, dominance implies the man is out to control me and the risk of loosing my own power. I love it when I feel a man can protect me, but this does not mean I want him to dominate me, it is more a sense of emotional security.

I love it when he is strong enough to set boundaries, cause without them, I will try to dominate him and then the love is lost. Hmmm, I think I'm getting your point. I do play a power game.

But, is this not an ego type of love or attraction? I'm great at the ego stuff and have recently set a goal to get past this.

It feels like I have a lot to learn with this thread. Thanks for posting.

[danas]

the last guy I was with followed me. He let me lead all the time, and although it was nice that he agreed to go everywhere with me, it wasnt good in the long run. If I told him lets jump on a plane and go to Africa tomorrow he would miss work, take a loan and come with me.
I would decide everything and I couldnt stand it. the relationship didnt last because of this.
Im dominant I guess, and it is easy for me to initiate fun things to do. but still I prefer a man that despite my strong character can still lead the way, at least half the time.
It makes me feel like a woman, it makes the man feel that he is needed. and admired.
I now put an image of a man leading a woman by the hand on my vision board.

[teatree]

Originally Posted by Jamie

So, what exactly is DOMINANCE?

I have my own thoughts, in that it's knowing EXACTLY, what YOU want, and going for it in a very clear and concise manner, perhaps even with an outer, or external gentleness, but internally, knowing exactly what your agenda is, and following through, not being intimidated by any other guys, or implied threats of violence etc.

What do you guys (and ladies) think?

Not being intimidated by "other guys" is a start. You see it's not about dominating your lady. It's about protecting her from all the other jerks out there!

Lots of men interpret being dominant as being mean towards the lady. No, no, no! It's about being confidant in your own skin, and in your own career, and not being intimidated by other men you are in competition with, while being gentle and considerate to the lady. That way she'll admire you and respect you and be glad you are with her.

Many men who are unsuccessful in the outer world - workplace etc - try to make up for it by dominating women, thinking they are the "weaker" sex and an easy mark and it's an easy way to make themselves feel better. This has "loser" all over it, and the only women who will put up with this type of guy are desperate or confused or very young and haven't figured things out yet.

Remember that from the woman's point of view, the ideal male is so confident in his skin, he doesn't have to be mean to women to feel good. On the contrary, he treats his lady with respect and consideration. Note that the man doesn't have to have a ton of money or drive a flash car - he just needs to be respected and rated by his peers because he knows what he's doing, has self-esteem and is thought of as a sound bloke.

I agree with dancer that "dominant" may be the wrong word here. Dominant implies "control". Women are looking for someone confident and strong rather than controlling.

[Jamie]

Just briefly, thank you for your replies so far. I know, it's a loaded word (in fact, one of the other guys used it on another thread, before me), I just wanted to take a closer look at what it really means, and how women, and men, see it.

I think if you're having real aggressive feelings or tendencies towards other men (or women), they you've lost the plot somewhere, also, lost your composture and balance too.

Someone at door ...

[Jamie]

... also ...

There are situations where you're attracted a woman and other guys are also in the room, and they've got the same idea as you. Men can, and do, get passive aggressive (am sure the community addresses this issue), in an attept to get rid of the other guy.

So clearly, as a guy, you need to be able to deal with this, and come out the winner.

[Erki]

Originally Posted by teatree

Not being intimidated by "other guys" is a start. You see it's not about dominating your lady. It's about protecting her from all the other jerks out there!

From the other jerks? Heeh, I always knew I'm a jerk anyway so thanks for confirmation.

I think I have finally found the reason men are so violent: with no violence, there would be nothing to protect the women from, so men would be useless. Therefore, you need to be aggressive to other men and protect your woman from them - and other men protect their women from you.

Ah, the wonderful dynamics of the universe.

[Fullcrum]

Hhahahaha, nice thread .

I'm dominant because it makes more sense to be dominant. It comes naturally when you stop with incessant mind activity and I'm interacting with a woman. It's like dominant is default, at least for me.

Protecting her from other guys? Maybe - I'm not aggressive in the least bit when "protecting" her from other dudes. I usually ignore. Ignore, ignore, ignore. They tend to slink away after a few minutes of this. This isn't in a mean way - they just have to go somewhere else to find a girl . Abundance mentality. Oftentimes I'll just befriend the dudes. They can be fun too, ya know. They're not the enemy or something.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

dom·i·nate
1. to rule over; govern; control.
2. to tower above; overlook; overshadow: A tall pine dominated the landscape.
3. to predominate, permeate, or characterize.
4. Mathematics. (of a series, vector, etc.) to have terms or components greater in absolute value than the corresponding terms or components of a given series, vector, etc.
5. Linguistics. (of a node in a tree diagram) to be connected with (a subordinate node) either directly by a single downward branch or indirectly by a sequence of downward branches.
–verb (used without object)
6. to rule; exercise control; predominate.
7. to occupy a commanding or elevated position.

Ok 4 and 5 are pretty irrelevant, but I didn't want to leave anything out.

None of those definitions of the word leave me feeling like it's something I want in a partner. The word I use here, partner, is the opperative one. I want someone who is my equal and respects me as such. I want someone with whom I share mutual love and support. I am fully capable of taking care of myself in every way. I would like to be with someone who is as well. Yes, we would support each other, encourage, be a rock in times of pain, protect, care. We would do that for each other.

Xin, I won't flame you, but no, I do not want to be led -- or followed -- I want to share in every aspect of the journey. Side by side. Together.

[Fullcrum]

That's funny, my understanding of "dominance" has nothing to do with the dictionary definition.

I guess my way of using it would be closer to "lead" or "take charge" but whatever you think it's not "overshadowing" or "govern."

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

That's funny, my understanding of "dominance" has nothing to do with the dictionary definition.

I guess my way of using it would be closer to "lead" or "take charge" but whatever you think it's not "overshadowing" or "govern."

I was thinking many probably don't use it in the "dictionary sense" however I do not need/want anyone to "lead" me or "take charge" of me either.

ETA: I don't need to be protected from other guys either...

ETA2: I don't disagree that some women want to be led or dominated.

[Jamie]

Aspiring,

What if you were in a bar, and your dream guy approached you, he seems very nice, all good so far; until, some dudes come in and start hitting on you, and intimidating your dream guy, who runs off.

If the guy isn't dominant, or doesn't have back-bone, it's not exactly good is it, and what about being protective of the girl?

What do you think?

[Erki]

Originally Posted by Jamie

Aspiring,

What if you were in a bar, and your dream guy approached you, he seems very nice, all good so far; until, some dudes come in and start hitting on you, and intimidating your dream guy, who runs off.

If the guy isn't dominant, or doesn't have back-bone, it's not exactly good is it, and what about being protective of the girl?

What do you think?

A great person doesn't let anyone to be harassed, regardless of gender or specific circumstances. I don't see what this has to do with being "dominant".

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Jamie

Aspiring,

What if you were in a bar, and your dream guy approached you, he seems very nice, all good so far; until, some dudes come in and start hitting on you, and intimidating your dream guy, who runs off.

If the guy isn't dominant, or doesn't have back-bone, it's not exactly good is it, and what about being protective of the girl?

What do you think?

Well, I don't think he has to be "dominant" in order to not run away if some other guy comes up to me. Being dominant and having a back-bone are two different things. My dream guy would not be intimidated in that scenario, probably just amused at the absurdity of it all. In that scenario dream guy and I would walk away and continue our fun. What kind of guy comes up and starts hitting on someone who is with another guy?! Not one I want to talk to. But that doesn't mean dream guy has to protect me from him. No need to get into a pissing contest in the club. I am a person, not anyone's property to protect.

ETA: @Erki -- yeah, true. If some unwelcome guy was hitting on a female friend I might step in to help her out. I guess in that sense, dream guy could say something, but it's not an instance of me needing a big, strong man to protect me from the other man. You know?

[Erki]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Not one I want to talk to. But that doesn't mean dream guy has to protect me from him. No need to get into a pissing contest in the club. I am a person, not anyone's property to protect.

ETA: @Erki -- yeah, true. If some unwelcome guy was hitting on a female friend I might step in to help her out. I guess in that sense, dream guy could say something, but it's not an instance of me needing a big, strong man to protect me from the other man. You know?

What about some unwelcome guy hitting on a male friend? Er, oops, I don't think you go to such clubs.

Are women seen as someone weak or something, who need constant protecting?
The emphasis seems to be on fighting against jerks, not on making sure of having a safe and happy environment. It seems that jerks are even somehow needed - to prove that the guys indeed are able to protect the woman.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Erki

What about some unwelcome guy hitting on a male friend? Er, oops, I don't think you go to such clubs.

Yeah, I'd help him if I thought he would like that. But then I run the risk of immasculating him .

[Erki]

What happened to being your own man? AND being your own woman. Be in full control of your own life, make your own decisions, and let others make theirs. Dominate yourself.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

^Yeah, good idea.

[seeker5]

One of the problems with "domininate" is that it implies the other one is "submissive", or "beaten down". I don't want a submissive woman.

[Jamie]

I think dominate, in this context, is more about dominating other males, cutting them out of the action.

I'm probably the exact opposite of that, to a fault, I'm generally, honest, open, up front, and friendly with people, and being that way doesn't do a man any favours (at least with the ladies, it doesn't). So it's real useful for me, to discuss this kind of stuff.

It's a real issue, because if I'm interested in a girl, if I'm not dominant enough myself, I 'know' either, a) she'll lose interest in me, fast, or, b) some other guy will come along and cut in on me.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Jamie

I think dominate, in this context, is more about dominating other males, cutting them out of the action.

There's absolutely no need for you to be like that - nor is it a benefit per se.

It's a real issue, because if I'm interested in a girl, if I'm not dominant enough myself, I 'know' either, a) she'll lose interest in me, fast, or, b) some other guy will come along and cut in on me.

This is your belief - and it's not true.

If she's not interested in you, being more dominant doesn't help.
If she is really interested in you, it doesn't matter if another guy comes along and cuts in (as aspiring already explained)

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Jamie

I think dominate, in this context, is more about dominating other males, cutting them out of the action.

I don't believe that myself. Pursuing a woman isn't about dominating other men. It's about your relationship with that woman.

Huge difference between dominating other men, and refusing to be intimidated by them.

[Jamie]

I have to re-iterate, I am somewhat playing devils-advocate here, and throwing ideas in to the pot. I just wanted to say thank you to you all for your input and suggestions. Thank you.

My own beliefs (and any issues I may have had) relating to this dominance issue, I feel are resloved, not that it was ever a big issue or anything.



A man should direct his attention, according to his own will and spirit, and not be pulled aside, or diverted by anyone. If a man is firm, and had self-control, other men pose no threat. It is only when a man is easily diverted, that he'll have problems. I think this perhaps applies to us all in some regards, in all aspects of life, to be firm and have a sharp focus, and to not drift from one's own purpose.

[Fullcrum]

Yeah, it's more a dominance over myself. It can then extend to dominance over my surroundings. But it's always over myself - the only thing you can truly "dominate."

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Jamie

I think dominate, in this context, is more about dominating other males, cutting them out of the action.

Boy, I think I would feel very oppressed if Danger Man cut other men off from the action everywhere we went. When he and I go to parties or to restaurants, we each tend to attract people of both sexes, and neither of us feels like we need to protect our turf. There's a pretty sexy vibe around us -- and we usually end up introducing some guy I've met to some girl he's met.

That would be so grim if he felt the need to "dominate other males." We prefer to have fun!

[jaamkie]

Yes agree with the other women that I don't want a dominant man- but also don't want a submissive man- basically don't want an insecure man!

When I was dating two guys at once, I really appreciated the one who just accepted it and left it alone and never pressured me to pick him- willing to wait because he would've been fine alone and had no need to dominate me or interefere between me and other guys. Eventually I came to my own decision that I wanted just him and there he was for me, but if I'd decided otherwise he would've been sad but fine being alone and eventually finding someone else. It wasn't dominance at all, but it was courage and trust and independence and patience- all very attractive traits.

[Jamie]

Originally Posted by Angela

Boy, I think I would feel very oppressed if Danger Man cut other men off from the action everywhere we went. When he and I got to parties or to restaurants, we each tend to attract people of both sexes, and neither of us feels like we need to protect our turf. There's a pretty sexy vibe around us -- and we usually end up introducing some guy I've met to some girl he's met.

That would be so grim if he felt the need to "dominate other males." We prefer to have fun!

Quite right Angela; there is no need to protect when there is no threat or danger.

I feel much depends on where you are, the quality of the environment and the people there; are they cultured and friendly, or are they are generally more aggressive in nature. Of course, it begs the question, if it's a low quality environment, what the hell am I doing there?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Jamie

Of course, it begs the question, if it's a low quality environment, what the hell am I doing there?

Exactly. We've been choosing our environments more carefully, especially since we stopped drinking.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Erki

Are women seen as someone weak or something, who need constant protecting?

Yeah, exactly! I hate guys who try to protect me.

Originally Posted by Erki

What happened to being your own man? AND being your own woman. Be in full control of your own life, make your own decisions, and let others make theirs. Dominate yourself.

I agree!

Originally Posted by seeker5

I don't believe that myself. Pursuing a woman isn't about dominating other men. It's about your relationship with that woman.

I agree too!

Originally Posted by Jamie

I think dominate, in this context, is more about dominating other males, cutting them out of the action.

If a guy feels the need to cut other males out of my action - which a) is a sign of insecurity and b) would restrain my freedom to have as much action as I want with whom I want - I dump him