Help my introversion problem

[mdhatter]

"Hi im new around here, english is not my main language, sorry for the mistakes ill commit."

There is a time and place to label everything. For someone with conversational difficulty, speaking in a second language, you are very very well spoken.

My piece of advice is this. Find people you share a common interest with, and start from there. English conversation with others learning English may be a great place to start, as you have a very thorough grasp on the language as spoken. Maybe a hobby group, or volunteering? People willing to volunteer for a cause are cut a lot of slack for small personal foibles, because they are doing something valuable.

You sound like a nice, thoughtful person. Best of luck.

actually, it's a tough world. Being nice and thoughtful may just be your trouble

[phire]

One thing to remember: When someone abuses or ridicules you, it says more about who they are then it does about who you are.

It's important to listen to constructive criticism to improve yourself but it is also just as important to disregard criticism that comes from hatefull people. I realize this is a hard thing to do, especially when the abuse happens at such a young age and comes from someone you look up to but it is an important point to understand.

I've had similar social problems that you seem to be having. One thing that helped me was to imagine myself in different social situations. If you're like I was, then even imagining yourself in these situations will make you nervous. Whenever you start getting nervous (or when you feel it is right), stop imagining and think hard about why your feeling that way. Dig deep and really explore the feeling. Once you've found the reason, think of a logical reason why you shouldn't feel that way. The point of these exercises is to come to a new understanding about these situations.

With time and practice you will be able to imagine these situations without feeling nervous. You'll notice that you start having better luck in real situations; you will still get nervous but it won't be near as bad as before. Since you won't be as nervous you'll have better experiences and it will act as positive reinforcement to improve even further. It takes time and effort but if its what you want, then it is time well spent.

[Christian223]

Thanks for your nice comments mdhatter, you also give good advice. Its not my problem that im too nice, in fact, since i have so little human contact i can barely be anything, not nice, not mean, no nothing, but i do no harm so...

Phire, you give good advice too, i have been trying to do that with good results, but before trying to do that one must be trully commited to find and accept what one finds in his/her mind, otherwise its no use, and its a very though think to do also.
Thanks!.

[Falconheart]

I haven't read all the subsequent posts, so forgive me if I repeat any advice others may have given. I have had problems similar to the ones you describe and have known people with them as well. I would say the root of your problem is fear. Fear of rejection, intimacy, judgement, etc. There is an old saying in the Christian bible which says "perfect love casts out all fear". Whether you believe this or not, love does tend to eliminate fear. I would say that part of your problem stems from a self love issue, probably created by the emotional abuse of your father. It could also be some part of you has confused love with a painful situation, and therefore you are subconsiously avoiding it by not getting close to anyone.
My advice is to realize that your father is only one person, and that regardless of whatever he may have done, it is only his actions. They need not be repeated by anyone else. If you allow this to continue, you allow the damage he did to continue.
I think the best things you could do for yourself would be to focus less on yourself (this helped me tremendously) and more on the goal. If you are focused on yourself (usually due to some fear of inadequacy and need for perfection, or perhaps simple vanity) you seldom interact well because you are too worried about what you will do. The fear of what to do or how to react inhibits your social interaction by scattering your thoughts and making it hard to do what you want to do. Instead of focusing on how you act or what you say, focus instead on them. Focus on whoever you're talking to as completely as you can, this will take some pressure off of yourself and your reactions will come more naturally.
Finally, you must accept that you are who you choose to be, not who your father may have made you be. You are in charge of your own mind, and your own life.
Take care & God bless.
--Michael

[Nicketas]

Originally Posted by Christian223

Hi im new around here, english is not my main language, sorry for the mistakes ill commit.

So, the thing is, im introvert now, and i want to change it because im too lonely, and i have come to the conlcution that its not a healthy or good thing anymore, im 23, and from my 12 years old or something i have been introvert, before that i was extrovert (i blame the emotional abuse from my father), so, i have been reading the articles from Steve Pavlina and they are nice, but i would like a little more help on my specific problem.

I tried beign more extrovert on the last years of highschool, i got some friends, but after some time i got bored, tired, and i begun beign introverted again, until now, its just so tiring, i have to give so much of myself, and i also feel i dont recieve enough, since then, everytime i try to talk to people i think to myself something like "you are getting into trouble, get away from them!, beign alone is more confortable!, you dont need them!", but its like an automatic thing, i autoamtically change my mind and dont say much just the nesesary "yes" or "no" or whatever they are asking, but i know this is no good anymore, but i tried to overcome it and, i just get this self-defence mechanism that makes me run away from people and also get people away from me, i behave in a way that makes people dont get near me...

Also, i try to have eye contact but its just too hard for me, when i try, i cant put me eyes where i want, the other person notices this, and also gets nervous, and that gets me even more nervous, so i look away, if i try again the same thing happens, how to overcome this?, also, i cant fake a smile, i mean, if i smile people can see its fake, i just get too nervous when confronting people, and i cant think clearly either my minds gets blank the only thing i can think of is getting away from that person, my face muscles get tense.

For some reason, im embarased to talk about myself, i think something like "people arent interested in my, whatever i have to say has no value", actually, im just thinking about this right now, and its very hard to admit... i dont consider that i have low selfsteem, i respect myself, but for some reason i allways think like that when im with other people... i need to overcome this and i need to know how.

Its like i want to overcome it, but at the same time my mind doesnt, quite a dilemma. So, if you can help me with anything ill appreciate it, thanks in advance.

Instead of one long post, i'll just say this:

Doctorpaul.net

Boom.

[brightblue]

Some perspectives you might want to check out:

The Highly Sensitive Person (book and website - The Highly Sensitive Person)
David DeAngelo (learning the game of dating & flirting - website and products - David DeAngelo's website)
(That second one sounds very cheesy/commercial, but I've found he has a lot of clear info to help confidence and to remove ignorance about what all the social "rules" and expectations are.)

And don't forget to accept yourself. The ideal is to keep that balance between being comfortable around people, and giving enough time & quietude to yourself.

[Christian223]

Thanks a lot for your help everyone

Falconheart, thank you, yes i have read that, but check the context too, it means fear of the coming of Jesus (fear of judgement), not fear in general, take for example Paul, didnt he said that he often spoke with fear?, didnt he also say that fear makes us powerfull because we put ourselves in the hands of god?, but i agree that one must love others to not fear them but, concentrating on helping them in some way rather than thinking on how they may hurt you.

The thing is that i have this way of thinking deeply rooted in my, its subconsius, it just happens and i dont even realize what i am actually thinking, so now im beign coached by Colm ORelliy, great coach, he is helping me a lot to replace this old way of thinking with new ones, so, thank to god im progressing, im getting better.
Thanks and god bless you too