sucky valentine's day

[Zoomorphic]

I m 21 and I m gg to 22 next month.Its depressing that I'm still single and never been in relationship.I never have a date on valentine's day. How pathetic. I m a LOSER. I envy those girls that receive flowers and watching the guys queing to pick up roses for them. I get jealous and it frustrates me.

Where's d guy of my dream? Where i go wrong?> I refused the guys that had tried to date me coz I m not inlove with them, I only like their company but there was no chemistry there.
I told myself to wait for the right guy, HOW MUCH LONGER? I ve been waiting since i was a teen. The guys i fancied, didnt like me back.
I wonder if i should just go ahead and just go with the next guy who is willing to date me regardless of how i feel about them, i should just give it a go and dive in for experience.
What ya reckon i should do? How do i attract the right guy? whats d secret of meeting someone ? do i go to the bar/club? How do u approach guys??

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, zoo. I am not sure if I have the answers to all your questions, but let me give you something to be thankful for. You are young! I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 25. And he broke up with me only a little while back...right before our anniversary and Valentine's Day. All I am saying is it could be worse!

But seriously, I am not an advocate of "going with the next guy willing to date me regardless of how I feel about them." I doubt the relationship would be fulfilling in any way in that case. However, I am all for being open to new experiences and different types of people which you may have previously blocked out (thanks to recent threads). If you want to attract a certain type of guy, embody and generate the qualities you would like him to have. And also go to places where you can enjoy activities you really like. There you can find someone who shares your passions. If you like bars or clubs, sure go. You might run into Freelancer or Fullcrum and they'll show you a good time.

[Angela]

Zoomorphic, first of all, are you texting this? It's exhausting to read that texty language.

Regarding Valentine's Day -- forget about it. It is merely a marketing device for certain industries to milk cash from the unsuspecting public. It doesn't mean anything about you, and it doesn't mean anything about love.

Regarding your dating habits -- a girlfriend of mine once gave me some great advice which I naturally ignored at first because I thought it was stupid, and it turned out to be life-altering. Say yes to any man who asks you out (within reason, of course, no ax-murderers or Kenny G fans) because you will get the chance to see in the mirror of his eyes what is desireable about you. Go on the date so that you can give yourself the gift of accepting his interest and admiration. And also so that you can practice generating interest in him, no matter what your pre-conceived ideas about him are. Date to find out more about yourself and about other people. Date for fun! Don't date to have someone to assuage your misery about Valentine's Day.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Hey, zoo. I am not sure if I have the answers to all your questions, but let me give you something to be thankful for. You are young! I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 25. And he broke up with me only a little while back...right before our anniversary and Valentine's Day. All I am saying is it could be worse!

But seriously, I am not an advocate of "going with the next guy willing to date me regardless of how I feel about them." I doubt the relationship would be fulfilling in any way in that case. However, I am all for being open to new experiences and different types of people which you may have previously blocked out (thanks to recent threads). If you want to attract a certain type of guy, embody and generate the qualities you would like him to have. And also go to places where you can enjoy activities you really like. There you can find someone who shares your passions. If you like bars or clubs, sure go. You might run into Freelancer or Fullcrum and they'll show you a good time.

LOL I think we should all go out to a club just to watch Freelancer and Fullcrum. It sounds like loads of fun.

Seriously...

Hi Zoomorphic,

I'm another woman spending her time alone on Valentine's Day. By choice, however. I agree that you shouldn't just go with the next guy who comes along - I speak from experience on that score. For one thing, it's unfair to him. He might assume you have feelings you don't and it's a let down when you realise you can't keep up the whole charade. Besides which, people pick up when they're not really liked.

What I do suggest is that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. How you feel about yourself radiates outwards and people pick up on it. So it's important to develop your self-esteem and confidence around the men you like. Go out, try out new experiences, and most importantly, enjoy the time you've got to be single.

[Dreamlife Hero]

Hi Zoomorphic, I'm having a sucky Valentine's too.

Possibly most people online right now don't have a date - unless this is their idea of a hot date: being on the Steve Pavlina site

Don't worry, you'll meet the right guy at the right time. Just focus on the benefits of being single and having time for personal development and enjoying the things that you do as a single person.

I understand the desire to go looking for someone, but if you go to bars hoping to meet the perfect guy you may well meet some very undesirable drunk, leery guys!!

Have you tried online dating? I've never done it but I know several people who've ended up in great relationships and you can get to know someone before meeting.

Maybe Steve should add it to the forums!

Anyway, best of luck and remember you never know what life has in store for you, so try not to be anxious but rather celebrate your singleton status.


DLH

[jaamkie]

I disagree with aspiring- at least in part- I think you should go out on a few dates at least with anyone who asks (of course must at least make you feel safe/comfortable)- of course be picky as you want when it comes to long-term exclusive relationships with them, but get out there and give guys a chance to know you and you to know them beyond the superficial stuff. Plus random bad dates make you better able to identify the good ones and recognize their value, plus it's just good to practice communicating/building rapport with a variety of people (spoken as an introvert who needs the practice- maybe you don't...).

Definitely agree about finding activities you like... even if informal, even if not really good dating activities... I've had random guys chat and eventually ask for my number at the bookstore when I'm looking at PD/religious books, just walking from lunch back to the office, plenty of times... part of it is maybe just having an open mindset to meeting new people...

Also I've met guys online- think you might try that if you just want to meet totally new people for dates- it's worked out well for me... just craigslist not a real dating site cuz never felt it worth the money/commitment to it and not wanting so much pressure... my advice is just to put out an honest laid-back ad looking for just dates, pick through and reply anywhere at all promising, and try to get to meeting before investing any emotion in a particular guy- of course there're lots of ways for an individual pairing to not work out... but again just lots of introductions -> lots of low-key dates -> lots of options and hopefully someone you find attractive enough to get more serious with

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

Say yes to any man who asks you out (within reason, of course, no ax-murderers or Kenny G fans) because you will get the chance to see in the mirror of his eyes what is desireable about you. Go on the date so that you can give yourself the gift of accepting his interest and admiration. And also so that you can practice generating interest in him, no matter what your pre-conceived ideas about him are. Date to find out more about yourself and about other people. Date for fun! Don't date to have someone to assuage your misery about Valentine's Day.

Originally Posted by jaamkie

I disagree with aspiring- at least in part- I think you should go out on a few dates at least with anyone who asks (of course must at least make you feel safe/comfortable)- of course be picky as you want when it comes to long-term exclusive relationships with them, but get out there and give guys a chance to know you and you to know them beyond the superficial stuff. Plus random bad dates make you better able to identify the good ones and recognize their value, plus it's just good to practice communicating/building rapport with a variety of people (spoken as an introvert who needs the practice- maybe you don't...).

Just wanted to say I agree with both of you on this. I was taking what zoo said to mean getting into a relationship with just any guy, which I don't think is a great idea. Certainly going on dates with different guys is a great idea.

There I go taking things the wrong way again... .

[seeker5]

I m a LOSER.

Don't let the fact that you're not as skilled in one area of your life as you wish determine your entire identity! If that was the case, then every single one of us would be losers! Adopt a better identity such as "I'm a winner", or whatever feels great for you.

Plenty of people (both women and men) have had trouble dating the opposite sex, and eventually learned how to and were able to marry a wonderful partner. You've done the right thing by starting to ask questions.

I envy those girls that receive flowers and watching the guys queing to pick up roses for them.

I don't envy those guys and girls! Lots of people get all stressed out about valentine's day and trying to meet/avoid the heavy-laden expectation of the other one! Bleh, I treasure girls who don't care one bit about this artificial "buy stuff or you're guilty" holiday! Don't get me wrong, I love getting flowers for the woman I care about, but on my own term, not when commanded by marketers.

[Angela]

I saw the greatest thing at a florist: rose bouquets with a little card that says, "You Are My One and Only Valentine!"

....and above that, there was a big "2 For 1 Sale!" sign.

[A2K89]

Well it probably won't help you much, but I'll tell my story anyways.

I'm an 18y.o. guy who has never had a serious, actual, relationship. I'm attractive enough, confident in myself enough, but my one problem would be that I'm a "loner". Meaning, I don't feel any need to put myself out there and get to know people. I like people, I just always end up deciding not to get involved with others lives. If that even makes sense...

Since I'm trying to change that, for this Valentines Day, I was going to take a shot at asking this one girl out (who seems to be on the same wave length as me) in one of my college classes. Except there really wasn't any opportunity to say a word to her, she came in after class had started, and at the end of class she rushed out and was on her phone. lol

Maybe I'm just weird, but being "alone" on another Valentines day doesn't bother me. It is just another day, no matter how many holiday enthusiast TV and radio commercials tell you otherwise. I honestly feel great today, despite the missed opporunity earlier.

The only advice I can think to give you is:
Learn to be comfortable with yourself. Learn who you are.
Then go about living your life normally, without feeling some sort of pressure to go meet someone. Keep your mind open, without having a set of conditioned expectations to start off your day. Just be yourself, and be open to others. You can't force a good relationship to appear for you, love just happens. Frustration won't get you any where faster then patience.