Can a man regain a womens trust after detroying it

[dougm]

One year ago the 2nd my world basically crashed. I had lost my license, one of my 2 companies, my wife and son, my house and all ability to see straight. Over the course of a year my business partner and I had been going through some rough times with the company. This I never told my wife. Also during this period I lost my license and did not tell her. (reason - didn't want to worry her - I know now this was the wrong thing). Always thought I could get the company back to profit but it never happend. So as a desperate try I opened a line of credit with my name and wifes without her knowing. I also wrote checks out of her account and signed her name. She handed my divorce papers on the 14th of feb last year. I did the right thing and signed away everything and signed the papers for her to move out of state with our son. (this has been the hardest part of all). I have legal issues to clear up and then plan to move to her home town to be closer to our son.Now I have repaid everything back that I took except for about 3000.00 and always send money when i can. What I would like to know is the relationship a total loss or can I possibly regain her trust agian.

Thank You
Dougm

[prats]

yes you can, be straight in your dealings henceforth espeically with your wife,never take her for granted. but it will always be a knot in the broken thread..but I guess you can win over her.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Honestly, it would take a lot for me to trust someone after that. Have you talked to her about it? Have you sincerely apologized and asked what you can do to make amends? Only she knows whether there is any recourse you can take that will inspire confidence in you again.

Definitely making integrity a top priority from here on out would be a great start, regardless of whether you get back together with her. And it will be a great example for your son to look up to.

[Angela]

If it's possible, it's going to take a lot more than just paying back what you stole, and trying to convince yourself that you are doing the right thing.

It's interesting that she served you with divorce papers on Valentine's Day. My guess is that she was making a statement -- here's the guy who is her very closest partner in life, her beloved, the father of her child so necessarily someone who she trusts with her most precious beauty. And he violently, self-absorbedly, narcissistically, trashes that trust. My guess is that she's angry at herself for trusting you, and is going to have some very serious issues with trust in relationships going forward. So is your child. You have wreaked utter havoc in these people's lives.

I think the most powerful thing you can do at this point is to go beyond mere reparations, and take a bold look at the incredibly harmful impact you have had on these two humans you love so much. They will never be the same, not with you and not without you. It will take a lot of courage for you to accept and admit that you are a thief and a manipulator. Before you go trying to win her trust again, you need some serious therapy to examine how you can ever trust yourself again. This may be the most harrowing thing you ever do -- find your own self-trust, and you have absolutely no business in their lives until you heal the horrible damage you have done to yourself. You would only be doing more stealing and manipulating by trying to cut that corner.

Forget about moving to her hometown unless she invites you! Look boldly at yourself. Who are you? Who are you committed to being? If you want to be a person of integrity, don't fool yourself into thinking all it takes is paying back the money.

[dougm]

angela-

Thanks for the insightful words. Yes understand the wrongs that I have commited. Yes I know the harm that I have pushed apon her and my son (18months). As I am determined to do the right thing not only by paying back the money but by being who she married to begin with. I can only appologize so much and my actions that are being taken are going unseen. The reason for moving is to be the father that I set out to be. This child of ours has to have a father in his life. I am a good person, just let a sitiuation get the best of me. As for that I apprectiate the comments.

[Jamie]

Originally Posted by Angela

My guess is that she was making a statement -- here's the guy who is her very closest partner in life, her beloved, the father of her child so necessarily someone who she trusts with her most precious beauty. And he violently, self-absorbedly, narcissistically, trashes that trust. My guess is that she's angry at herself for trusting you, and is going to have some very serious issues with trust in relationships going forward. So is your child. You have wreaked utter havoc in these people's lives.

Is this a fair assessment? Am sure only the OP will know, but on the flip side of your argument Angela, perhaps he only did what he thought was best for his family (he was trying to provide for them), albeit mis-guided and foolish. It's not like he was planning or setting out to hrut them, or steal all their money and run off with another woman.

Maybe he just made a mistake?

It sounds like his biggest mistake was to not confide in his wife, maybe he feared loosing her?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by dougm

I am a good person

That's not for you to decide. Or even for anyone of us here, really. Your wife and, eventually, your son are the ones who get to decide whether they think you are a good person (again).

If I were you, I would focus on fixing your own problems. In time, your wife may decide to allow you back into her life again, at her prerogative - but you must accept the very real possibility that day will never come. In time, your son may want to know his father - but, again, you must accept the very real possibility that day may never come.

You cannot undo what is done - all you can do is pick up the pieces and make the best of what is yet to come.

Good luck to you!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Jamie

Is this a fair assessment? Am sure only the OP will know, but on the flip side of your argument Angela, perhaps he only did what he thought was best for his family (he was trying to provide for them), albeit mis-guided and foolish. It's not like he was planning or setting out to hrut them, or steal all their money and run off with another woman.

Maybe he just made a mistake?

It sounds like his biggest mistake was to not confide in his wife, maybe he feared loosing her?

He forged her signature on a check on her account, Jamie. He opened a line of credit in her name without telling her. He perpetrated a crime against her. She could press charges and have him put in jail.

I'm not buying this "I just wanted the best for my family" crap. And neither does the wife, it sounds like.

If my husband committed a crime against me and my child, I would not be eager for him to father my child and influence her with his values. I would keep my child far, far away, and it would take a tremendous amount of transformation on the dad's part before I would allow him access to my child.

[Jamie]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

That's not for you to decide. Or even for anyone of us here, really. Your wife and, eventually, your son are the ones who get to decide whether they thinks you are a good person (again).

I'd like to echo that sentiment too.

I think t's a really bad thing he did, but which is more important, a persons' actions of their intentions?

If it was me, I'd be asking myself, why couldn't I confide in, and communicate with my wife, when this first came up?

Also, I would appologise in a sincere and very clear manner, once, and once only. I would then make every effort to fix myself, and to also fix the harm done. Or, at least, I think I would. I'm find it hard to visualise myself getting in to this kind of mess in the first place. Just cos you messed up, it doesn't mean your life is doomed, it's entirely in your hands.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Jamie

which is more important, a persons' actions of their intentions?

Actions, without question! Intentions are harmless, but actions are not. Actions do the real and sometimes irreversible damage.

Good intentions do not absolve you from the consequences of bad actions.

Everyone has good intentions. Actions are what separate the good from the bad.

(what exactly constitutes good and bad is in the eye of the beholder, mind you)

If it was me, I'd be asking myself, why couldn't I confide in, and communicate with my wife, when this first came up?

Those are some good questions to ask!

[dougm]

Jamie-

If it was me, I'd be asking myself, why couldn't I confide in, and communicate with my wife, when this first came up?

Embarrassment, Self Image, failure. These were the main controling factors of why I could not talk to her.

Jim-

[QUOTE]In time, your son may want to know his father - but, again, you must accept the very real possibility that day may never come.[QUOTE]

So to my understanding you are saying, My rights to my son have not been taken away, I have complete joint custody of him. Every thing is split 50/50, time and money. The main reason for me to move is to become closer so that my son has his father. He is 18 months old. And I am prepared for her never taken me back, I was looking for suggestions or answers.

Once again I do appreciate all the comments, honesty is what I need to here.
doug

[Jamie]

I think you have a lot of soul searching to do doug .....

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Jamie

I think you have a lot of soul searching to do doug .....

Me, too. Especially about: assuming you do get to spend time with your son, what kind of dad are you committed to being for him? He is going to have a lot to deal with when he realizes how your actions have harmed the family, and you have some time between now and then to take real responsibility for it and lessen the severity of his pain later on. Not to mention, how do you teach integrity to your child if you don't have it? How do you teach love and respect to your son, when your own love and respect is so compromised? How do you build a parent-partner relationship with your wife so that you're both on the same team, at least as far as raising your son is concerned? You've got a big job to do. I wish you lots of courage and strength.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by dougm

So to my understanding you are saying, My rights to my son have not been taken away, I have complete joint custody of him. Every thing is split 50/50, time and money. The main reason for me to move is to become closer so that my son has his father. He is 18 months old. And I am prepared for her never taken me back, I was looking for suggestions or answers.

Alright, sorry for misunderstanding your situation then. Just try be clear with yourself about what the main goals are: 1) redeem yourself for yourself 2) be a good father to your son, given the circumstances.

Btw. I don't really believe in the whole 'once a crook, always a crook' idea. Far too limiting. You can't undo the past or fix every mistake, but you can recover and become better for it... just look at Steve, who went from criminal to successful businessman and loving father (no doubt).

There's always hope!

Strength and peace, brother

[dougm]

assuming you do get to spend time with your son, what kind of dad are you committed to being for him? He is going to have a lot to deal with when he realizes how your actions have harmed the family, and you have some time between now and then to take real responsibility for it and lessen the severity of his pain later on. Not to mention, how do you teach integrity to your child if you don't have it? How do you teach love and respect to your son, when your own love and respect is so compromised?

Angela-

Thanks for the words, I can only be the best that I can be by learning from this experience. Yes I know it will be rough trying to explain the reasons why his mother and I are not together but I do not plan on making any excuses and hopefully my mistakes and deep sadness will make him a stronger person. My actions that I take now will help him with his integrity and the love that I still have for his mother will never die. Being able to talk positively to and about his mother will also show my respect and love. He is our son not mine, this is my problem enwhich I have thrown on others, which was wrong but by telling thetruth and taking the correct actions I think I will learn to respect myself and others.

Thanks again.
PS Basic Interests has my story

[Brutha]

Is this a fair assessment? [...]
Maybe he just made a mistake?

It's not about being "fair". If he wants to regain her trust, the goal shouldn't be a "fair" assessment of the situation but an assessment that leads him to take 100% responsibilty for what happend.
That is needed for regaining the trust.