Why some women don't want to have sex?

[say]

I know the title sounds like it only happens to women... well, in fact I never met a guy who wouldn't want to have sex (not that I asked, but just so it seemes).

Let me tell you where I got the idea for the thread with two examples of two girls in their early 20s.
Girl n1: She said (to her female friend) she doesn't want to have a boyfriend because then she would have to have sex.

Girl n2: She recently ended a relationship. She said (to me and another friend) that if she was still together with his boyfriend they would probably just get high and have sex. She said it in a way like she's relieved from all that tedious stuff now. (I sighed a bit, cause I actually like this girl and guess what I'd like to do...)

I tried to come up with some explenations and let me tell them:
1. (So I read) Biologically, women get horniest in their late 30s, as opposed to men who get the horniest in their late teens.
2. There is more potential work/annoyances involved in having sex for women than men. (More organizing, more worries, periods...)
3. Some women don't know how to enjoy sex, don't have orgasms...

Did I miss something else?
Do you think it's sexuality in general (including solo, lez..) or were those two girls in the example only referring to sex with men (bad experiences and stuff)?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by say

Girl n1: She said (to her female friend) she doesn't want to have a boyfriend because then she would have to have sex.

Maybe she had a bad experience with it in the past, was sexually abused or simply isn't ready and doesn't think that the guy would understand and honor that.

Originally Posted by say

Girl n2: She recently ended a relationship. She said (to me and another friend) that if she was still together with his boyfriend they would probably just get high and have sex. She said it in a way like she's relieved from all that tedious stuff now. (I sighed a bit, cause I actually like this girl and guess what I'd like to do...)

First, maybe you were not reading her correctly when you thought she said it in a relieved way. Perhaps so, but I don't think you could be sure without asking. Second, maybe she wants more in a relationship than just getting high and having sex and her relief is that she is now free to pursue a relationship more attuned to her desires.

Of course there is no way to know if my explanations are true either. How about just asking them?

[Fullcrum]

I wouldn't worry about this stuff mate.

Have an abundance mentality. Just go out there and find girls - approach them and have fun. Feel really good about it.

IME most women love sex, they just don't tell most guys that because they know what will happen if they do. They'll have a gropemaster and a new puppy dog ♥♥♥♥♥ on their hands.

Don't be that guy . Just go out and DOMINATE your surroundings. Wring up a storm of fun for everyone around you - don't discriminate! Go out and experience it for yourself - don't theorize this stuff.

[Create]

Hahahah!

For the second girl, she said she was relieved because
àll they would do if get high and have sex`-

OF COURSE if that's all you do it's going to be annoying and terrible and boring and a relief once it's over. If there is no substance in the relationship , sex is booring.

I don't think girls realise that if they meet the right person they will naturaly like sex, unless there are some physical or psychological factors that cannot be surpassed....of course.

[Jamie]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

I wouldn't worry about this stuff mate.

Have an abundance mentality. Just go out there and find girls - approach them and have fun. Feel really good about it.

IME most women love sex, they just don't tell most guys that because they know what will happen if they do. They'll have a gropemaster and a new puppy dog ♥♥♥♥♥ on their hands.

Don't be that guy . Just go out and DOMINATE your surroundings. Wring up a storm of fun for everyone around you - don't discriminate! Go out and experience it for yourself - don't theorize this stuff.

You give the most excellent advice Sir. I like your energy!

It certainly makes sense to spend as little time and energy possible, pursuing any one woman (unless she's reciprocating of course). Much better to give a little positive energy to everyone, don't discriminate - as you say.

Even be positive with the guys around, not in a gay way or anything, but just give out positivity, it's about the positive you give out, focus on doing that better (not draining yourself), more than worry about what you get back. In fact, never worry about what you get back. If you've got the other aspect of yourself sorted, she'll come to you.

Also, don't be too cerebral or effeminate, big turn offs for woman. Be positive and FUN! Get out of your mind, stop thinking, feel. Be a positive giving person (not a mug), and demonstrate in real terms you're fun and enjoying life, with or without a woman. Even more important that what this says to the women in the room, is what it says to you.

Burn baby burn, you are like the sun.

[Trezker]

most women love sex, they just don't tell most guys that because they know what will happen if they do. They'll have a gropemaster and a new puppy dog ♥♥♥♥♥ on their hands.

Well I think women have taken the wrong approach to this problem. They should always tell men they enjoy sex, then dump all the guys who behave like ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.
Eventually men will learn, I hope.

Personally I'd make an effort to find the right balance through talking with my gf. But if she doesn't tell me stuff it's pretty hard to learn.

[Jamie]

Originally Posted by Trezker

Well I think women have taken the wrong approach to this problem. They should always tell men they enjoy sex, then dump all the guys who behave like ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.
Eventually men will learn, I hope.

I think the problem with this is that men who are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, won't be dumped; they'll persist in pursuing her, and will have zero interest or concern for what she want's or says.

[Fullcrum]

Eh, that's just not how girls are. Many won't give you a straight out answer because they don't want you to feel too bad.

But don't listen to me. Find out for yourself.

Really, just go out and be positive and dominant.

If you met me I'm very positive but not "feminine." It's possible to be positive and masculine. Basically there are a MILLION ways I can frame it but the way I think of it is "It feels better, is more fun, and makes more sense to be MASCULINE and DOMINANT in day to day life."

Hope this helps.

[Trezker]

Originally Posted by Jamie

I think the problem with this is that men who are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, won't be dumped; they'll persist in pursuing her, and will have zero interest or concern for what she want's or says.

If people care about that to much, we'd have rampant racism and nazis all over the world. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ do not exist to rule the world.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

"It feels better, is more fun, and makes more sense to be MASCULINE and DOMINANT in day to day life."

That's so true! I enjoy being positive, MASCULINE and DOMINANT in day to day life very much too!

[Jamie]

Do you have a need to shout (CAPS-LOCK) out how masculine and dominant you are, and let everyone know?

If so, what's underneath this need? Vulnerability?

Not at all judging you mate; and what I'm suggesting, I do myself (i.e. over-compensate for feelings of lack by making an external display of success).

It's like we all have these little social masks on, fronts, pretending who we are, rather than being genuine, and who we really are. Which may be bad for some of us, cos we're really hurting and in a lot of pain, and often feel crappy etc, on the inside.

Being masculine, is I think fine, great in fact.

Being dominant, is I think fine, in that you're expressing what you feel, and not being held back by fear. Being dominant, in a sense of trying to intimidate people, is for ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. You don't sound like that, could you elaborate on what you mean by dominant?

[Scott]

Friendly Reminder:

These forums are meant for respectful and open-minded discussions. Please avoid the use of derogatory terms, even when partially concealed. Some people may find them more offensive than others.


Now then, let's get this thread back on track, shall we? What are your opinions (from both genders) on womens' approach to sex? Do they really not like it, do they only pretend to not like it, or does it vary from person to person?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Scott

What are your opinions (from both genders) on womens' approach to sex? Do they really not like it, do they only pretend to not like it, or does it vary from person to person?

Well, I really like it, but I can imagine lots of scenarios that would make it difficult for me to allow my enjoyment of it.

We don't know what these ladies have been through (in the OP).

[Jamie]

Gosh Scott, is that a Friendly Reminder, that we have all the 'guns' (i.e. power to ban, do whatever) in this place, kind of Friendly Reminder? That's how it feels to me.

I thought the issue over that particular word (which has a different, not at all harsh meaning in my country, than it does in the US), had already been well resolved, in a more than friendly and ammicable way, and everyong had moved past it.

There was very good energy on the thread (at least in my eyes). Now I feel I am been reprimanded, and I can't see that it is at all called for.

Perhaps I'm reading this wrong, in which case, I appologise, but that's my feeling right now.

What do you think?

[Freelancer]

Originally Posted by Jamie

Gosh Scott, is that a Friendly Reminder, that we have all the 'guns' (i.e. power to ban, do whatever) in this place, kind of Friendly Reminder? That's how it feels to me.

I thought the issue over that particular word (which has a different, not at all harsh meaning in my country, than it does in the US), had already been well resolved, in a more than friendly and ammicable way, and everyong had moved past it.

There was very good energy on the thread (at least in my eyes). Now I feel I am been reprimanded, and I can't see that it is at all called for.

Perhaps I'm reading this wrong, in which case, I appologise, but that's my feeling right now.

What do you think?

Hmm, err I read it more like a smalle nudge to get back on track.

Perhaps you are reflecting your inner attitude on him? (perhaps I'm doing the same thing )

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Jamie, it's because I reported your post (before I decided to just discuss it here with you and got it all sorted). My first reaction to that word is a really strong one and I'm sorry I was quick on the Report button. The mods take a while to get through all the reports and make a decision I suppose. Sorry it made you feel bad, but they're just doing their job I think, not trying to say "look at me, me big, me have power." They take reported posts seriously.

From the forum rules:

Exercise good judgment, reasonableness, and mutual respect - This is a community for smart people who share an interest in personal growth, so please treat it as such. Personal attacks as well as profane, pornographic, racist, sexist, or otherwise demeaning or offensive messages will not be tolerated. Recognize that there's a human being behind every post, and behave accordingly.

the ones I've highlighted are why I reported it.

and now I've violated a couple others:

Stay on topic - When starting a new thread, use your best judgment to select the appropriate forum. If a thread drifts far from its original topic, please start a new thread for the secondary topic in the appropriate forum. Follow the rule of one thread, one topic.

Avoid thread-hijacking - Thread-hijacking is when a member attempts to derail a pre-existing discussion and take it away from its original topic. This behavior can be frustrating to members who want the discussion to proceed on course. If you wish to take a topic in a new direction that would otherwise derail the original topic, simply start a new thread for your own topic. Do not engage in thread-hijacking, as it reduces the quality of the forums for others.

[mncz]

I have always thought about this mindset men have that "women don't want sex" as a bit odd.
I am a woman. I like sex a lot! And I am pretty sure every other woman can like it as much as I do.

But here is the tricky part (there always is )
For us sex comes after emotion (I think it is different from men). So we have to "feel" like it to enjoy it in the first place. If we have any negative experiences in the past, we most likely will say no to it not because we do not want it, but because we are afraid of repeating the negative experience. I am well aware that men have their own sexual abuse stories, but I am also pretty sure women have plenty more of them.

Almost every woman has been at least once in her life harassed on a sexual basis, either by advances she felt humiliated by, or negative emotional experiences after sex (the part where the other party either doesn't call or worse - goes out and tells everyone what a slut his latest "notch on belt" was. And that is not to mention rape and other heavy violent stuff. Centuries of constant female degradation as the "lesser sex", "home tools/toys" and the still-persistent stereotype that women who actually want sex are sluts (no, I am not a feminist ) have taken their toll. It does not go away in some 30-40 years. It will take longer than that, especially given that the old beliefs about women and their role are still strong in peoples minds.

So, in short, women DO want sex. It is the experiences of past that stand in their way. They have a lot of well-justified reasons to be afraid and say no. They need to trust their partner. To get past that you will have to use patience, understanding and love. There is no shortcut in most cases.

And of course, if you just want a quick one-night one, there is plenty of places to get that without bothering too much :P

PS. I have met men who dont want sex. They are a rarity, but they do exist! And nope, they are not gay.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Good points, mncz. I agree.

[Jamie]

Okay guys (everyone concerned), I'm more than happy to let this drop.

I like this forum, there's a lot of good people here (IMO), with intelligent and well thought out views.



Yep, I guess it was the big red letters, they didn't seem to corrolate too well with the word 'friendly' ...

I understand, there are forum rules, and I'm really not the kind of person who will resort to profanaties.

Also, it's the Authority thing with me, pushes my buttons. Authority in any form, it's often mis-used and un-just (at least my perception of it is). Whereas, I feel, people have a kind of in-built authority and a sense of other people's natures. I'm more guided by that myself, my own little inner police-man.

Appologies to Scott, for blowing up in his face like that.

You're cool {aspiring} ... and I forgive you for telling teacher on me!

EDIT: Also just wanted to add, that I apprecieate that the mod team are actually human beings, with their own lives n stuff, and that they're helping these forums to run smoothly etc. </creep_mode> (j/k)

[Scott]

A (hopefully) more friendly message...

1) My apologies for the red lettering. The intent was merely to attract attention, not to seem in any way threatening.

2) A few posts related to arguments over offensive words have been deleted, simply because they were continuing to derail this thread.

3) If you have any comments or questions about moderator policies and language, please send me a PM rather than posting here. You may also go directly to Steve or Erin, or Angela (the other S&R mod).

4) Jamie, no worries. I did not mean to direct my previous message at you, and I'm sorry if it appeared that way.

5) Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.

[teatree]

Well I'm a woman, and here are my two cents.

How enjoyable sex is depends very much on the man in question. If he's good at it, plus protective, tender and loving, the woman will enjoy sex with him, and be very happy to repeat the experience.

If he's awful at it, then she won't want to go near him again. Men don't seem to realize that foreplay is REALLY important. If the woman is not turned on properly, sex actually hurts. No normal woman would want to repeat that type of experience.

Remember guys - for women, they have to be in the mood for sex for the physical stuff to work out. If it's not happening emotionally and in the brain, women's bodies don't get the signal to prepare themselves, which means the sex will end up being awful. So romance and foreplay are very important, as is love.

[Jamie]

It's very striking how the blue (just the colour in itself, not the words) sends out a much more friendlier 'vibe'.



Happy Valantines day yourself Scott.

Back on topic:

I'd suggest that women wanting to have sex, or not, won't a lot depend on the Gentlman in question, not just Woman?

[Jamie]

Originally Posted by teatree

Well I'm a woman, and here are my two cents.

How enjoyable sex is depends very much on the man in question. If he's good at it, plus protective, tender and loving, the woman will enjoy sex with him, and be very happy to repeat the experience.

If he's awful at it, then she won't want to go near him again. Men don't seem to realize that foreplay is REALLY important. If the woman is not turned on properly, sex actually hurts. No normal woman would want to repeat that type of experience.

Remember guys - for women, they have to be in the mood for sex for the physical stuff to work out. If it's not happening emotionally and in the brain, women's bodies don't get the signal to prepare themselves, which means the sex will end up being awful. So romance and foreplay are very important, as is love.

Are you saying it is good for the man, to be soft, gentle, sensetive, caring, to a degree, even sensual (though I imagine that particular trait, is too feminine)?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Jamie

Are you saying it is good for the man, to be soft, gentle, sensetive, caring, to a degree, even sensual (though I imagine that particular trait, is too feminine)?

Sounds great to me . You can have all those qualities while still being very strong, even a "macho man", in other areas.

[Erki]

Originally Posted by Jamie

Are you saying it is good for the man, to be soft, gentle, sensetive, caring, to a degree, even sensual (though I imagine that particular trait, is too feminine)?

Heh. Once again, everything that seems good to me is either bad or too feminine. Nice.

[teatree]

Originally Posted by Jamie

Are you saying it is good for the man, to be soft, gentle, sensetive, caring, to a degree, even sensual (though I imagine that particular trait, is too feminine)?

Note that I used the word "protective". Women like being protected by men, and being protective is a mix of being strong and tender at the same time. It's hard to explain, but women know it when we see it!

I totally get your worries about being "too feminine", because you are right, women don't like men who are too feminine. But we don't like men who are brutes either, nor men who only think of themselves. What we want is protective - someone strong, confident but not arrogant, someone who makes her feel precious and who is gentle with her, but who would protect her from a mugger in the street or give her a cuddle when things are going wrong. You know - protective.

And when you are actually doing stuff, make sure she's turned on. If she's not, she won't enjoy it and you'll be single again and back to the "what do women want" place.

[Angela]

Yeah, cdn2wheeler had a nice way of phrasing it -- he called it being "warm arms" for a woman. Encircling her tenderly in his protection. It's a big turn-on, I think, for both the man and the woman.

[oberlee]

In my experience as a late-20s woman, if a woman doesn't like sex with a man she's either:
A) Not with the right person
B) Doesn't know how to open up to what SHE wants and express that to her partner
C) or, she doesn't like men

Maybe there's more possibilities there, but it comes down to not being very open about what she herself wants. It sounds like the pot-sex girl was just listening to what her boyfriend wanted.

An interesting thing with women (at least, this woman here and many others I know) is that it's not the man so much as the story. There has to be a good story to turn the woman on, which is why you can't just jump to the end of the book. Probably why porn for women usually has more "plot development" if you know what I mean. So, a woman is more likely to want to have sex if she's been romanced, taken out, treated well, admired, respected, etc. And this doesn't go for all women by any means, but for me personally, that's why I could never have sex with a complete stranger, or why I wouldn't have sex on a first date--there needs to be a story.

Also, what teatree says.

[Trezker]

*sigh* If I could just bring myself to do martial arts for a year or two I'd become irresistible.
I'm awesome at the cuddle part but I haven't spent any points on the offensive skill tree.

[jaamkie]

Originally Posted by Trezker

*sigh* If I could just bring myself to do martial arts for a year or two I'd become irresistible.
I'm awesome at the cuddle part but I haven't spent any points on the offensive skill tree.

ha... but seriously it isn't physical strength... and it isn't a contradiction...
what I think we want is a guy who feels so emotionally strong and independent that he NEEDS nothing from a woman but is just overflowing calm generous love out of his abundance of self-love and happiness... I think insecurity can make guys act both aggressive/defensive/hyper-masculine and also submissive/too-feminine/weak, sometimes a particularly needy unattractive mix of both. But also that's a reflection of me- I think people look for relationships with matching/complementary needs and desires- some women like more aggressive men, some women like more submissive men, I like very independent loner but friendly men- but I think I'm about average in that preference...

The image I have of an attractive man is of a happy secure friendly alpha dog trotting around his territory without a care in the world- he doesn't think much about the past or future, isn't searching for/needing anything, doesn't have any worries or fears waiting to be triggered, isn't looking for a fight, he's just friendly and confident with everyone he meets- expecting positive interaction but also confident in his ability to take care of himself if he is attacked, so he never has to make a preemptive strike or escalate things.