Singles thread!

[ixmatus]

Inspired by the thread Jamie started, I thought this would be a bit more optimistic, a thread where we can share tips and/or give each-other missions of accountability for that not-so-big-thing we call 'dating'.

To start off, I am writing about me and my situation, what I think has been holding me back, and what I am attempting to do about it. Like I said, tips welcomed! Missions, welcomed!

Me

As of this moment I have been single for about a year and a half. I had broken off a serious and rather rocky relationship (somewhat cliche, I know) with a girl and rebounded a bit by sleeping with two women and having an 'informal' companionship with an Israeli woman in India. This rebounding happened within 4 months of the break-up, but *nothing*, zilch, nada, has happened for me since.

I have been on a few dates since then with mediocre to beautiful women and nothing ever feels like it 'clicks', emotionally *or* sexually!

My ex, whom I am good friends with now, says I am being ridiculous and that dating/sex should be overwhelmingly easy for me; her logic is that I am both personable and good looking. My feeling is that she is right, it should be easy for me and any other guy out there regardless of good-looks or not.

A few notes on me: I am a deep thinker and am physically active, I make plenty of money and groom myself impeccably - those bases are covered. I know how to dance as well.

What could be the problem?

After a great deal of introspection and reading David Deida's excellent book on "The way of the Superior Man" (no that isn't a plug, but it is a good book); I concluded that I am doubting my very own masculinity, which is obviously a problem when trying to play the dating game because women will pick that up before I even look at them - I *know* women (atleast a feminine woman) wants a man with a solid and decisive core - a resolved sense of self and purpose that is higher than everything, including himself and her.

A) I must be secure and resolved in my own masculinity, no one can provide that.
B) The conviction should be such that no words are necessary to affirm/enforce it, it simply is. Virile and powerful.

The nature of my doubt is surrounded by this cloud of what if's, thoughts like: "What if I am secretly homosexual?" to, "You're crazy you never even thought these thoughts a year ago!". I talked to one of my friends about it and he said this: "You? Secretly gay!? HAHAHAHAHAHA, I couldn't see you as gay in a thousand years..." He was stating a very basic truth about me, in all my life this 'doubt' of my core has never come up. I have always been the pack leader and an inspiration to my friends when it comes to things of sports, women, and resolve (that is friend's POV speaking, not just mine). Seriously, WTF!?

My attraction to women hasn't fizzled, I know that is still there (as a matter of fact I have small crush on my salsa instructor, hahaha) - I am also man enough to say (to myself atleast) when I find another dude good-looking but I have never had sexual desire/attraction for a man.

Like I said, this has never been a issue till now! I want my resolve back, damnit!

As if this post weren't long enough, here is what I am doing about it:

I notice a major difference when I get myself into 'commanding presence' mode - I used that state of mind alot when competing in the Martial Arts; I notice women throwing smiles and flirting with their eyes alot when I am there. This doesn't seem to last though, it is like reminding oneself to suck in that belly all day.

This is the first time I have really voiced these thoughts and feelings - so, hopefully I can get some responses from the dudes on the forums, give me some tips to whip myself out of this semi-soft state!

Just to clarify for some women on these boards, I know sensitivity is a virtue, but this isn't sensitivity - this is like going limp.

[Jamie]

Originally Posted by ixmatus

Inspired by the thread Jamie started, <snip>

Oh, I understant, let me start the ball rolling and do all the hard work, then you jump in and take all the credit, is that is!? .... only joking.



Actually, it sounds like a fab idea, and my thread was a bit lame, so I think we can credit you with all the hard work. I'm going to enjoy this thread (once I read it of course).

[Fullcrum]

Self-amuse, go out a set numbers of times a week consistently, and close every girl you talk to. That means kiss on the lips, number, etc. to sex. You keep it going until it can be kept going no more (blow out or sex).

Looks mean **** for attraction. So does money, your car, dance skills, or anything else superficial.

So go out (I recommend 3 nights a week), approach, and close!

Get into a super positive and confident state that feels really good in your body. If you have an intuition to say something, say it without question or hesitation. Break the dam and unleash yourself mate.

[Jamie]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

Self-amuse, go out a set numbers of times a week consistently, and close every girl you talk to. That means kiss on the lips, number, etc. to sex. You keep it going until it can be kept going no more (blow out or sex).

Looks mean **** for attraction. So does money, your car, dance skills, or anything else superficial.

So go out (I recommend 3 nights a week), approach, and close!

Get into a super positive and confident state that feels really good in your body. If you have an intuition to say something, say it without question or hesitation. Break the dam and unleash yourself mate.

No pu55y-footing around there then?

[ixmatus]

Haha, well, you might be right there Jamie - not sure if mine is anymore optimistic... It would be cool to have a place to coalesce some tips/advice/experience - hopefully the thread will carry through.

@Fullcrum: that is definitely the one thing I have learned from this little dry-spell, it is the masculinity of a man women care about - the money, skills, and looks are all secondary to that.

I do get out to the clubs about twice a week - I'll start being more assertive; I used to be like that, but it was excessive - any tips on being more 'smooth' about it?

[Jamie]

I think he's very right. I think women respond to powerful and centred men, who have a strong sense of their own value.

[ixmatus]

An interesting thought:

Terra mater (mother earth), is the feminine of the feminine, so I wonder if there is a correlation to some outlook I must have regarding the 'world' that is translating into my relationship with women?

[Jamie]

Ok ixmatus, I have now read your post.

You sound a lot like myself in many regards. I have a background in Taoism and Tai Chi. I am very fit physically. I am also *very* keen on Salsa (esp. with the sensetivity that's developed from the Tai Chi), not too bad either, and often attract a lot of female attention while I'm dancing, both from partner and from crowd. That said, it's kinda sacrosent (what happens on the dance floor) to me.

From a Taoist perspective, maybe you're shunning your yin, feminine aspect, and trying to be too yang, doing this, you may find actually diminishes you masculine yang aspect.

I'd consider that, it may of may not be the case.

Try doing the opposite of what you've been trying to do, completely accept yourself and your feminine aspect (all people have both feminine and masculine aspects, it's not the same as being male or female). Don't try to force things one way or the other, just let yourself be, and flow with however you feel, natural like.

Just a suggestion, and to be honest, going out and doing the Fullcrum method sounds fun, I'd give that a go for sure.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

Self-amuse, go out a set numbers of times a week consistently, and close every girl you talk to. That means kiss on the lips, number, etc. to sex. You keep it going until it can be kept going no more (blow out or sex).

Looks mean **** for attraction. So does money, your car, dance skills, or anything else superficial.

So go out (I recommend 3 nights a week), approach, and close!

Get into a super positive and confident state that feels really good in your body. If you have an intuition to say something, say it without question or hesitation. Break the dam and unleash yourself mate.

This is exactly the type of guy I hope never to come in contact with, much less date.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by ixmatus

I have been on a few dates since then with mediocre to beautiful women

I don't like the way you rate people.

All in all you make a quite shallow impression on me, I'd never want to date you.

You remind me of those guys who are so busy with themselves, their status and the impression they make that they forget to love the human being in front of them. Maybe it would be helpful to think less with your head and more with your heart.

Dude, if you have a crush on your salsa instructor, why don't you just ask her out?

[Jamie]

Here's a novel idea, or tip for the single guys.

If a woman isn't giving you any intications of interest, drop her, ASAP.

I do not mean drop her, in an aggressive or bad tempered way, or lose your cool or control over yourself, in any way what-so-ever. I mean, unhook yourself from her, internally, emotionally, refocus on yourself, move on, forget her, she doesn't exist. This can all be done in a polite, kind and controlled manner, you can even thank her.

You are the centre of your life, wherever you go, you will always be there, allow yourself to pursue (even just in your mind) a woman who is not showing enough interest in you, and your self-esteem will suffer. Focus on you, do whatever you need, to build your self-esteem. What you feel about yourself, inside, will in turn, determine what you attract to yourself in life.

Also, I have learned that it is very bad for a guy to display too much interest in a woman he likes, too early on.

[ixmatus]

@aspiring_to_clarity: and what would be the reciprocal? The point I think fullcrum was attempting to make was one of 'core shock' rather than 'be like this all the time'. Core shock being that you rattle your proverbial 'cage of fears' enough that they are released and you no longer fear whatever was crippling you before...

@Jamie: It is a possibility - or the other thought I had was this: what if I'm not giving my masculinity enough attention? Like I said, in the midst of my assertiveness it is the 'smoothness' I am striving for.

Leading in Salsa plays with many of these similar topics...

[Statikkk]

LOL - this thread is exactly what I needed on a gloomy, snowy Tuesday afternoon.

I tried to start a constructive response to this three times, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by ixmatus

@aspiring_to_clarity: and what would be the reciprocal? The point I think fullcrum was attempting to make was one of 'core shock' rather than 'be like this all the time'. Core shock being that you rattle your proverbial 'cage of fears' enough that they are released and you no longer fear whatever was crippling you before...

Sorry if I am being dense, but I am not sure what you mean by "what would be the reciprocal?"

There are ways to get over your fears other than playing games with unsuspecting women. Why do we have to be a part of your "cage of fears" rattling without our knowledge or consent? Handle it yourself and then go have authentic, honest communication with women. Or at least tell them from the get-go that you are just playing them to increase your confidence.

[ixmatus]

@statikk: My challenge to you, then, is to come up with a creative response!

[Jamie]

Originally Posted by ixmatus

@Jamie: It is a possibility - or the other thought I had was this: what if I'm not giving my masculinity enough attention? Like I said, in the midst of my assertiveness it is the 'smoothness' I am striving for.

It may be worth doing an experiment, for a week perhaps? Try not being masculine at all. Just accept yourself, express feminine and masculine traits as as when the feeling guides you. Stop judging yourself.

I think in most things, if we're pushing too hard in one direction, and not getting results, we need to stop pushing (we're just wasting our time and energy), and think about why it isn't working, understand the problem, and try something new.

Assertiveness, is kinda like taking action. A more powerful assertiveness is not taking action, be still, centred, secure and powerful in your being.

Originally Posted by ixmatus

Leading in Salsa plays with many of these similar topics...

Yeah, and it's a lot of fun in it's own right. But sure, lots of women there. In fact, to be honest with you, I struggle too, with issues of self belief and self worth etc, which I think, affects my ability to approach and talk to women I am sexually and romantically attracted to.

It's often the time though, in salsa, when I'm not trying to make anything out of anything, not trying to be masculine, when I'm just being me, that I find myself getting on best with the women. A lot are attractive, and even some of these, I don't want to sleep with. I have a silly expectation of myself, that I should want to sleep with every cute woman that breaths. Perhaps they're just not right for me!? I've also had the fear of being gay thing, dang, that would kill me, and I just can't see myself in bed with a guy, yuck!

End of the day though, I think building self-esteem, and accepting yourself, not trying to be a jerk, not being a door-mat or a nice guy.

What do I know though!!?

[ixmatus]

@clarity: Like I said, I'm not fully endorsing the idea, but, I think there is some confusion about the intentions: some women are really out there for one night stands - actually, there are alot.

I also acknowledge the fact that it is exactly those women that may not be healthy in the first place.

Hell, 'rattling the cage' could simply mean having the balls to tell my Salsa instructor that I have a crush on her! If anything that would make things awkward but atleast be somewhat flattering for her, I suppose.

Do you see what I mean by 'rattling the cage'? What you have described, is, what I think the absolute opposite of what any man should do to drop his insecurities; that is just a fallacious and over-extended sense of security.

By 'reciprocal' I mean: what kind of a man would you hope to run into often?

[Jamie]

Originally Posted by ixmatus

... simply mean having the balls to tell my Salsa instructor that I have a crush on her!

If you do this, lay your cards on the table, I'm not so sure you'll get the results you'd like (I may be wrong). But at least it will bring closure one way or another.

Is it not possible to get to know her a bit, flirt with her a little, show signs of attraction now and then, rather than full on all the time?

What do you think?

[ixmatus]

@james:

The thing I ask myself is this: are we really just laying around being little wussies and complaining about ****?

When I have an opponent to face, I don't just sit down and start complaining about the situation - I take it head-on. I think the real experiment is this: to take it head on. To stop complaining.

Question is though, what thoughts and concepts do I need 'lined up' to make the exercise a worth while one? Or is that just wussing out in itself?

My Kenpo Master always told me this: if you want to learn how to fight, get in a fight. If you want to do 100 pushups, do 100 pushups, even if it takes you thirty minutes. If you want to...etc...

[ixmatus]

@jamie: it wouldn't work out - she is 34 and married. It would just be a matter of telling her regardless of what 'could' happen.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by ixmatus

some women are really out there for one night stands - actually, there are alot.

I am sure this is true, although I don't personally know any such women. If both people are on the same page and "closing" each other, more power to 'em. I personally would not like to have contact with someone acting in the way Fullcrum described. What do I have to gain from behavior like that? Why is it beneficial to the woman in the scenario (assuming she is not looking for a one night stand)? Isn't it rather detrimental to her? While the guy is gaining confidence and notches on his belt, she feels like a piece of meat.

Originally Posted by ixmatus

Hell, 'rattling the cage' could simply mean having the balls to tell my Salsa instructor that I have a crush on her! If anything that would make things awkward but atleast be somewhat flattering for her, I suppose.

Telling someone you are attracted to them is a far cry from going out 3 nights a week and "closing" ladies. I am all for the type of "rattling the cage" that is honest and free of game playing. Stepping out of your comfort zone, for instance by admitting a crush, is a great way to shake things up for yourself.

Originally Posted by ixmatus

Do you see what I mean by 'rattling the cage'? What you have described, is, what I think the absolute opposite of what any man should do to drop his insecurities; that is just a fallacious and over-extended sense of security.

So you think that the actions Fullcrum described are the opposite of what any man should do to drop his insecurities? Good, I am glad we agree .

Originally Posted by ixmatus

By 'reciprocal' I mean: what kind of a man would you hope to run into often?

I would like to run into someone with integrity who will be honest about his intentions. Someone who genuinely has an interest in me as a person rather than as a comodity or a tool to enhance his own confidence.

If he honestly tells me he likes to engage in the type of behavior Fullcrum has mentioned, I will honestly tell him that I am not interested. My hope is to have a loving, long-term, mutually beneficial relationship (wow, Angela, that is hard to type out) and as such I have no inclination to deal with players. The problem is, they rarely announce themselves as such.

[ixmatus]

@clarity: insightful, thank-you.

I would not say that I agree Fullcrum is 'full of it' because I agree with your interpretation, but, needless to say, you and I are on the same ground. I will wait to disagree with Fullcrum when his stance becomes more clear, as it stands, I can appreciate the essence of what he was saying - that one may wish to 'rattle their cage' to release inhibitions.

I would much rather be involved with a woman because of my clarity and resolve - not as a means to gain these attributes.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by ixmatus

@clarity: insightful, thank-you.

I would not say that I agree Fullcrum is 'full of it' because I agree with your interpretation, but, needless to say, you and I are on the same ground. I will wait to disagree with Fullcrum when his stance becomes more clear, as it stands, I can appreciate the essence of what he was saying - that one may wish to 'rattle their cage' to release inhibitions.

I would much rather be involved with a woman because of my clarity and resolve - not as a means to gain these attributes.

Ok, I don't want to say he is "full of it (or something with an sh in front of it)" but I will say that no woman I can think of