A difficult decision, please help

[Rose of Cairo]

I'm facing a difficult decision and need your help. Basically, my ex suddenly wants to keep the cat. And I don't know what to do.

The decision is mine, I signed the contract with the animal shelter, so she's officially under my protection.

When we went to the animal shelter, he absolutely wanted to take her. He says he immediately knew this was his cat. I had some resistance, because I actually wanted to take two cats, and she is not compatible with other cats. But then I saw her sitting there in this cage, looking directly at me with sooo big eyes, and that was the end of it. We took her home.

When I told my bf I would leave, he said I had to take the cat cause he couldn't have one while living alone. But now he's discovered new ways to make it work and thinks about keeping her.

I love her and naturally want to take her with me.

On the other hand, those two love each other very much and I feel awful to separate them. I also feel awful to do this to my ex. The idea of letting him in this half empty apt and even taking the cat away from him hurts me like hell.

But I'm also concerned about letting her with him.
I know he's going to feed her very unhealthy food and lots of crap (he already does).
I'm afraid he may keep her in a too small apt. She's used to five rooms plus garden. I told him that he can't keep her in a tiny apt now, he said he won't necessarily take a tiny apt, but I have doubts about that cause he tends to reduce his expenses as much as possible.
I'm also afraid that he won't let her go out. She needs to go out and she needs a bodyguard because she's very fearful. She loves going out, having adventures. But he said "she doesn't need to go out, she's an apt cat." But that's not true, once a cat is used to go out, it won't be really happy in an apt anymore. And he's very lazy. When I don't go out with her, he doesn't either, so I'm afraid she would not have enough exercise, fresh air and daylight.
He's got a 9-18 job which means that she'll be alone a lot.
And he's a bit disrespectful towards her. Sometimes he just grabs her even if she doesn't want to.
I'm afraid she could be bored and unhappy. And I couldn't help her anymore once I leave.

On the other hand, my situation is not ideal either. I have no job, no money, not even a home. The first time I'll stay with my parents, so she'd have to live there too. There are six other cats there, which could be very stressful for her, since she's not compatible with other cats. When I find a new home, she'll have to move with me again. I know this is not optimal for a sensitive cat like her.

I don't know what's right. I fiercely want to take her with me, but I don't know if my decision is rational or if my feelings for her are blinding me.

She's very attached to me, following me everywhere. But she's also very attached to him. When I left her alone with him for two weeks to go take care of my other cat at my mum's place, she seemed to be fine when I came back. She didn't look desperate nor overly relieved to see me back. Maybe I have this fear about letting her with him because I would feel bad if I were her? On the other hand, it was only two weeks. Maybe several years of such a life would really harm her.

I feel deeply responsible for her. If I let her with him, for me it'd be like letting her down. I'd feel very crappy.

This is all about me and my feelings. I'd like to do what's best for her instead of worrying about my own future feelings. Unfortunately I don't know what's best for her and she can't tell me.

Any thoughts?

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Any thoughts?

Who would do more for the cat? Who would go more out of their way to take care of the cat?

Seems to me you should take her. You seem to care more about the cat for its own sake, then just as something nice to have around. No matter what the situation, it seems you'll adapt yourself more to help the cat then he would.

What would your ex-boyfriend do when the cat becomes too much inconvenient for him? He already doesn't seem willing to go out of his way right now to take care of the cat (feeding proper food, taking the cat outside, etc.), at least not as much as you are willing to.

If your parents have 6 cats, then it seems to me your parent's house is full of people who are used to dealing with cats and who loves cat. So at your parents house, even if your cat's very sensitive and scared at first, it seems that over time, with the love toward cats that some of the people in your parents house seem to have, that she would feel more comfortable there then being all by herself with a guy who doesn't care that much about going out of his way to care for her.

[dancer]

Hiya Rose of C,

What about leaving the cat with your ex until you have settled into your new digs in France? You mentioned that she is nervous and does not care for other cats, so this might, at least, save her some stress. I know my suggestion does not help with the decision of who gets the cat, but it might lead to making this decision. It's too bad you just can't ask her what she wants, eh?

Love

[uberinquisitive]

My ex-bf also has a cat. My ex also is never home - he travels for business at least one week a month, and he gets home late each night. The cat is fine.

My ex gives crap to the cat - and has been giving crap for 10 years. The cat is a bit chubby, but otherwise fine.

Otherwise, my ex is very loving towards the cat. The cat is always fed on time. Maybe I could do a "better" job in terms of brushing the cat, changing the litter box more often, and otherwise keeping the cat company...but I honestly don't think the cat really cares. The cat doesn't prefer me. He prefers whoever feeds him.

[Rose of Cairo]

We've just decided that I'll leave her here at least till march. In march I'll come back anyway, to get all my stuff with a car. He promised to take care of her correctly, go out with her and feed her appropriately. I think that despite of my fears and love, it's more reasonable that he keeps her, since he's got a good job, a steady home and lots of money, whereas I'm unstable and broke. And I know that he really loves her and wants the best for her. However, I refused to promise anything. I'll leave her here this one month as a trial to see how it's going. In march I'll check how she is and we'll decide together if she goes with me or stays with him.

I feel my heart a bit broken now

Thanks all for your answers.

[Rose of Cairo]

In fact not only a bit. It's totally broken. I can't help crying every time I see her.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

In fact not only a bit. It's totally broken. I can't help crying every time I see her.

Rose - sending you a HUGE HUG your way!