trying to heal a bad relationship with my sister

[uberinquisitive]

I'm older by 1 year.

She and I have very different personalities, and until very recently, I was unwilling or felt too guilty to consider what a negative force she is in my life.

She is extremely critical and totally cuts me down, even in public. All my life, I've always felt very conflicted about her. I feel really guilty, even typing this - she's suffered through anorexia, bulimia, body dysmorphia. We were both sexually abused by our stepfather, but she received the brunt of it.

My mother has definitely mellowed out towards me in the past 2 years. But before then, she was hypercritical and emotionally abusive to me, because I reminded her so much of my father (who she divorced and hates). I feel like my sister's attitude towards me is tainted because she's just modeling my mother. My sister and mother have very similar personalities.

I avoid my mother as much as possible. However, I feel too guilty to do that to my sister. I've always had that protective, older sister urge. But I'm also very hurt by how my sister openly belittles me.

I'm not saying she's a bad person. When my fiance killed himself, she jumped on a plane to be by my side. She would never turn her back on me, or back stab me. But I don't feel good about myself when I'm around her. She makes me feel like I'm an embarrassment to her. She makes me feel like I'm inferior and too fat, too lazy, too silly, too irrational, too emotional (yes, she has used all those words). And, I've felt like this all my life around her. There has never been a time when we've been "close."

I'm not sure what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

[cacheborn]

I know how you feel, uberinquisitive.
My sister is four years older and although the circumstances are completely different in my case,
my relationship with my sister is one of the most complicated ones. We had difficult childhood, with our parents exercising their whims. On one level I feel for her, but that does not make it easier. We are like formal strangers to each other, going through formalities. My friends know more about me that she does.
I am sorry I do not have any solution. All I can say is some relationship can never grow beyond a certain point and it's best to accept them as they are.

[Joely]

Having been through some of what your sister experienced, I wonder if the reason she's so negative towards you isn't jealousy. It's common, if one sibling experienced more abuse than the other, that they start to feel angry towards that sibling. I'm sure you know how we tend to blame ourselves when we're abused like that because as children we believe adults can "do no wrong". If one sibling experienced more of the abuse (or believes that they did), then they'll tend to blame the other sibling because they still feel conflicted about blaming the parent.

I expect both your mother and she are dealing with deep emotional wounds and have decided to take them out on you. Although that makes you feel terrible, I've found that stepping back from the picture and understanding why somebody does something to me, recognising that it's not actually me they're attacking but something in them they can't deal with can really help. Your own psychology shifts when you do that, the energy you give out changes and she'll start to see you don't feel powerless and embarrassed anymore. That might well work.

Having been through a lot in my life and "under attack" from other people in similar ways, I've discovered that actually, it's all about them, not me. Getting that emotional distance and realising their words and behaviour don't have to hurt me in that way makes a tremendous difference. Your sister sounds like she feels powerless and belittling you makes her feel more powerful.

It might help to take a step back, maybe release and let go of how you feel when your sister treats you that way. I've found the more I've built up self-respect in myself, the less people do that. She's found a "weak spot", I suppose, like all bullies do, because deep down bullies feel powerless and jealous of the people they attack. If you can step out of the situation emotionally, and when she starts doing it again you start to see the root of her behaviour. She'll realise you're not reacting in the same way and hopefully it'll stop. It's worked for me - as long as I can get a bit of emotional distance, stop thinking about how much I hurt and realise that the other person is obviously feeling powerless and wants to manipulate, it stops working for them. You shift the balance of the relationship.

I hope that helps a little,

J x

[starkey]

i don't have a sister, but my mom used to be (and occasionally still is) very critical. i took it on myself to not be bothered, and to react with love. and even when we aren't arguing i make myself be more affectionate and give her attention. some people don't know how to love and need role models. ever since i took this attitude, our relationship has improved dramatically.

[Pegasus]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

She is extremely critical and totally cuts me down,

If she's like this towards you, imagine how she must be towards herself. Perfectionism and the need to control can be big scary monsters.

I have no advice for you, but I do have a book recommendation. I am currently reading a book written by Po Bronson called Why Do I Love These People?. The book contains personal stories of families that have overcome adversity. I've gained insight into my own sister's latching onto her husband's closely-knit family. Anyway, the book doesn't preach or anything. Each family is unique.

[Guardian Angel]

It is a pity when we have people who are expected to be closer to us, but are not. However, just to remind you that you must not give up. Blood is blood and I am pretty sure you will be in good terms later. I cannot give you professional advice but from my experince in life, all I can say is that start from forgiving.
Just to inform you, I PERSONALLY met my mother when I was 20, and it took us another 20 years to become friends and it all started by forgiving each other. In fact, she gave this book entitled The Complete IDIOT'S Guide by Mark J. Warner, Ed.D. and most of them we read it together. Hope I helped you somehow. Thanks!