My boyfriend, the musician, and forks in the road!

[Create]

Hi folks!

Here's an oppertunity for you to tell me about your experiences in relationship "forks in the road". I'm in a very difficult, but pretty common, situation, and what better way to become comfortale with these events than by listening to what others have to share!

I'm 20 and I live with my guitarist boyfriend. I study full time at Concordia University (Montreal!) We love each other, we have common values. We have been living together for 6 months! And I have only started my second university term.

I love it here, I have a great fufilling life, friends, my passions are fufilled, a great job, I'm ready to expand my projects here for at least another year or so.

He's feeling bummed by the city, uninterested in pursuing muscial gigs or oppertunities here for the time being, and would much rather....move to Toronto! He had friends here but...he is not feeling it. He's already getting contacts with industry folks in Toronto and has now been gone for a few weeks to another town and to Toronto to record and get some material distributed.

So? How can one deal with one's feelings of Panic! when such different life-paths present themselves?

Please be as general and negative or optimistic and basicaly honest as you wish! Oh and do share tips about "How to survive at being a musician's transcendentaly commited Girlfriend"

Regards and great thanks,

Create.

[Jcs]

Whilst I don't have any advise or experience on the subject I wish you the best of luck on this journey .

[Create]

Thanks!

Sometimes luck -or karma- does a great deal.

[thoth]

HI Create,

It sounds like ya don't mind a bit o' teasing, so I'm just say gonna it:
He's a MUSICIAN!
I mean DANG, just 'cause Leafs beat the Canadiens last night doesn't
mean ya gotta switch cities

Seriously though, I don't know how musicians do it. Like how do they
deal with a business as crazy as the music industry and keep their
creative side intact? What if your down or have pressing matters on
your mind and you have to walk out in front of a crowd and entertain
them? What about if you just plain had a headache? Anyway, as a
guitar-playing, jewelry-making artist I consider myself to be, I can only
see this from his side of view. Throwing a girlfreind into the mix can not
be a good thing (sorry). TRUE LOVE always finds a way though. The
feelings of panic can be dealt with many ways but I would start by
talking with him about that first.

No matter how you come out of this I think you write a book on
H.T.S.A.B.A.M.T.C.GF. I know I'd read it.

Lightbw/u, Thoth

-not much help, somewhere in Mich.-

[Create]

Thanks Thoth,

I'm studying Communications, so I absolutly have a few books in me, and one of them, I smell the best seller, could be just that : H.T.S.A.B.A.M.T.C.GF!

Sigh - I have talked to him about it; but it's such a hard balance. How do you give one the space they need to clear up thier confusion or to get a kick start on their projects, while gently reminding them that you love them and that you'd rather you BOTH happen to be happy in the same CITY.

I know I could be happy anywhere, damn I'm happy right now and will be tommorow, i'm so fufilled - I do thik though that feelings of resentment, frustration and general negative energy will take over and demonize our beautiful relationship if I am to drop everything and move for him!

He has no asked me to do so yet, but I feel he is still longing for something else....

Should I set this bird free, wait it out - what about you other musicians?
How would YOU want to be supported by your girlfriends during such a time?

[Joely]

Hi Create,

I am thinking about things from the opposite side of the equation, I think. I've stayed single for the last few years because I've made pursuing my dream of being a writer my first priority and I didn't want to get into a relationship and then find my partner feeling left out because I was so focused on my work. I have to admit my experience of relationships has not been great, and I haven't been involved with somebody who didn't find my drive to do these things with my life annoying.

I think it's important to have your own aims in life, to do your own thing. That's what I would want in a partner. I wouldn't really want somebody who dropped everything in his life because mine was going in a different direction, but at the same time it's not helpful to be involved with someone who expects you to give up your dream for them.

I have a friend who's a musician, and just getting her career off the ground. She lost her boyfriend to it, because she simply couldn't be there. There's a lot of touring involved (these days it's actually the same for writers if you're publicising work), and she's constantly working with the band so it's difficult to get time off. When you have something in your life like music or words sometimes it's very hard to find a balance.

You sound to me like a very balanced and insightful person though, and I don't doubt that you'll be able to work things out amicably. It might be worth sitting down and having a little chat about it from time to time. The last thing you should do is give up everything just to be with him because it places a massive burden on his shoulders, besides your own resentment. I think whatever happens, if you keep communicating with each other, and whenever you get concerned about anything you just say "Hey let's talk about this" before it gets to the resentment stage, you should be fine.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, Create. I feel for your situation. I just wanted to share a couple of paragraphs from Byron Katie's book "I Need Your Love" in case it might help.

*Mods, let me know if this is too much of a quote*

Suppose, for instance, you're convinced that it would be a terrible thing if your boyfriend were to take a job a thousand miles from where you live. This thought leaves you paralyzed with anxiety. Turning it around makes you look at a possibility that your stuck mind would never consider: Area there any ways it could be a good thing if your boyfriend took the job and moved away? Your mind may refuse to even look at that possibility. That is Pure stuckness.
But what if you can find even one genuine reason to support the reversed thought? Perhaps you can find this: your boyfriend's new job could be tremendously fulfilling for him, and your relationship may improve because of that. If you can see even a slim possibility that this may be true, the fear has to lessen. Maybe his absence would allow you to spend more time with your friends, or to start working out, or to take the course that you've been wanting to take. Maybe his move to an exciting city would result in your spending time with him there, or even moving there -- who knows? You don't have to believe the reasons or act on them -- just finding a reason can move you out of your rut. You may be astonished at the lightness and relief that come from opening your mind to the possibility that what you were convinced was terrible may not be so terrible after all.

Now it doesn't sound like you are in a panic about this at all, but I just hoped that little excerpt might still help. Good luck!

[Jennihul]

Having grown up until age 36 in the same place, I have more of a wanderlust mentality and would have welcomed the chance to see and travel the world.

However, that is until I moved to Raleigh, NC. Now, I know what "la dolce vita" means and I won't be giving it up. I sacrifice time with my old friends and family for it. I sacrifice a certain kind of nightlifey, uber-cultural, urban lifestyle for it. I sacrifice living by the water, my natural state, for it. Luckily, my life partner and husband won't leave either. So that part of my existance is congruent with my needs and wants. Even if he left my life for some reason, I would stay here.

But sometimes, living "la dolce vita" means sacrificing. But, by the same token, such a life can be found in MANY places. Not just one....Even Toronto, I'd bet.

Or all of the happiest people in the world would be your neighbors and that's just simply not true.

But, one caveat: Is your boyfriend a runner? I mean a RUNNER. When things aren't going well, rather than looking inward for the solutions, or the soul-utions as the case may be, he runs, hoping to find them in new experiences, new people, new things, stuff, places....? In an endless cycle of seek-not find-run, seek-not find-run...

If that is the case, it may be time for a deep talk, or an adios.



Jennifer

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Create

Should I set this bird free, wait it out - what about you other musicians?
How would YOU want to be supported by your girlfriends during such a time?

My girlfriend would need to understand two things.

1. She cannot compete with my music - ever. I mean, she cannot make me choose one over the other, because I can't. I need both. Music is air, love is water.
2. No matter how long I may be on the road for my music, I will always return.

[Create]

Thnaks Jim, I woke up this morning and realised that even if sometimes I Panic! I do remember exactly those two truths, and I still get excited about his music and our relationship.

It's not the easiest thing in the world, being a musician's gf, but I do believe my life is so full I can very well hold the fort and stay happy if sucess bids him in a distant land.

It's so odd to have these feelings so young, isnt it?

Joely thanks for your insight, we are both people with strong goals and ambitions, and I would no want to be in a relationship where either of us would lose sight of that.
Jennihul, thanks. I do not think he is a runner in the true sense - but I do think you ahve half of the answer. He has previously expressed a strong desire to move away or start anew, in Europe last time, and I sense he may have a strong need to EXPRESS the fact he could just drop everything and run - but he has not, yet.
aspiring_to_clarity thanks to you to, that is a good piece of advice and I will keep it in mind so I can make sure I'm behaving justfly and in self respect.

[Create]

Hes called me yesterday to tell me he NEEDS to move away in 5-6 months

He will live in Toronto whether i stay or not at this point

also, he is debating, because all this movement and dilemma has made me insecure, whether or not I have changed,a nd whether or not this is the kind of relationship he wants.

[Joely]

In England we would advise at this point that what you need is a nice cup of tea and a good sit down.

Stop panicking (easier said than done). Take a deep breath, allow yourself to feel what you're feeling, and then let it go. Really you need to "have it out" with him. He needs to work out what he wants, and you need to work out what you want. He's obviously facing a lot of radical change in his life and he needs to work himself out first - I expect deep down he's feeling rather insecure and uncertain too right now (whether or not he'd admit to it).

I feel like I can't give real advice without being actually with you at this point - it's the kind of situation where you just need to talk out your feelings. No doubt a million possibilities are going through your mind and it's hard to work out what you do and don't want to happen. I would say stick in the NOW, and ride the wave. Allow him to debate, because I think that's what he needs to do, and really, you need to talk things out together. The one thing that makes people insecure in relationships is wandering around to other people going "I don't know what he/she is thinking" but not actually being open and honest and really communicating with each other. If it's a really good relationship and worth keeping, then it's got to be the kind where you can sit down and talk, being understanding of each other. As I used to have written on my wall "This too will pass."

[JimOfferman]

I agree with Joely. If the relationship is strong enough, you will find a way to make it through. If it helps you, try not to think just of the fact that he'll move away, but also of how proud you'll be when he comes back with a new record under his belt.

To quote Sting: if you love someone, set them free

[Create]

Sigh...

This morning I filmed a short movie in an abandonned appartment building for about 6 hours, now im at work, and thus I am keeping distracted.

Thank goodness I have friends I can call.

And thank goodness for the wisdom of an english lady - im just waiting for the moment where i can get home and have that cup of tea.

One day at a time, I guess there is no other way!

I'm still very scared.

This calls for an evalutation of commitment...And relationship value...I guess.

Thanks folks.

[Joely]

Well, you know what? It's okay to be scared. This is a big, life changing thing that you're both going through, and I can imagine how you must have felt having the rug pulled out from under you as he suddenly decided to re-evaluate the relationship. I think that's why the most important thing is to take this moment by moment, and relax into the feeling. I'm on a particular course where the primary advice is "let whatever happens be okay", so I'd say "let whatever you feel be okay."

And if you're bored and want an introduction to one of the fundamental values of being English and how we deal with situations like this (besides the old stiff upper lip thing), check out: Mmmm nice

If nothing else, it'll make you laugh, and that's always good for making you feel a bit better.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Create

This calls for an evalutation of commitment...And relationship value...I guess.

Here's a good question to ask yourself: would you want him to forego his musical career just so he can stay close to you?

[Create]

Joely! I will take a good look at that link, maybe I will smile

I will live moment by moment, yet I am not one to share the view of "let whatever I feel be okay" , because I believe that feelings can often not be based on facts but may be a work of perception, communication, moment - I'd rather just take into account the big picture of my feelings - Although I will not succumb to refusing to acknowledge my feelings (they ARE there!) I cannot base my life on them

Jim -
I would NEVER in my LIFE ask him to forego his musical oppertunity or carreer for our relationship - that would be downright admitting to wanting to have a relationship with an unhappy, unfufilled man!

I can give him love, but I cannot compare my providing happyness and music's providing of happyness.

After all this, I of course am torn and want to call him right away and tell him that I am not saying NO to moving and that I realise having this relationship with him is extremely important to me in my life right now, something I want to keep -and am ready to make changes for.

But after that announcement, I would need to hear that HE TOO feels as commited to me as I do to him - and of course, since I cannot ask him to "sacrifie" much for me in this situation, all i can ask is
-Does he feel ready to work out through the hard times our new situation may bring both of us?
-Does he feel strong enough to conceive that we will need to adapt and build together and that I may need some more stability and security in this unkown city than in Montreal, pretty much my third home. I will never, however, move if I feel I may be resntful. I want support, id like him to show me he's ready for that, if he cant balance commitment and adapting WITH his girlfriend, (who has never been shy, emotionaly dependent, scared of socialising or lacked ambition and hard work!) well- I draw my line there.

Musician - yes!
Self fish - no!

[Spirittap]

Originally Posted by Create

Hes called me yesterday to tell me he NEEDS to move away in 5-6 months

He will live in Toronto whether i stay or not at this point

also, he is debating, because all this movement and dilemma has made me insecure, whether or not I have changed,a nd whether or not this is the kind of relationship he wants.

Honestly.... that right there says it all to me. If i ever said that to a gf, it would be because i didn't want to be with her and this would be a way to let it slowly sink in.

Where there's a will there's a way. If i truly loved someone then i would find a way for both to work by finding a happy medium.

Good luck. ((((Create))))

[thoth]

WOW, I see tonnes of good advice!

I am definitely not the guy to ask about relationships

I would recommend you make getting your college degree a high
priority, though.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Create

I would NEVER in my LIFE ask him to forego his musical oppertunity or carreer for our relationship - that would be downright admitting to wanting to have a relationship with an unhappy, unfufilled man!

...

I want support, id like him to show me he's ready for that, if he cant balance commitment and adapting WITH his girlfriend, (who has never been shy, emotionally dependent, scared of socialising or lacked ambition and hard work!) well- I draw my line there.

Very good! Looks like you have a very clear idea of how much you will put up with and where you draw the line. Does he know this? You cannot honor or even dispute a boundary if you don't know it exists...

Musician - yes!
Selfish - no!

It's not the selfish you need to be worried about - it's the selfless. I know selfless sounds more honorable, but it's not. A selfish, as in emotionally independent, person will put his (or her) own happiness before all others and is able, from that position of self-happiness, to be a positive force in the lives of others. A selfless person needs the happiness of others to feed off and because of that they are perceived as needy, negative and draining.

So be glad your bf is selfish enough to put his own happiness before yours.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

A selfish, as in emotionally independent, person will put his (or her) own happiness before all others and is able, from that position of self-happiness, to be a positive force in the lives of others. A selfless person needs the happiness of others to feed off and because of that they are perceived as needy, negative and draining.

So be glad your bf is selfish enough to put his own happiness before yours.

Oh wow Jim you'll always astonish me. Thank you for these words! You just brained me with a sledgehammer