SO not accepting responsibility for her life

[ralphb]

Dear Social & Relationships,

I am a first time poster, but long time reader. I have been very impressed by the quality & frankness of the the advice given in this forum, so I thought I would ask for your opinions on a situation in my relationship that I am not 100% happy with.

My girlfriend and I have known each other for 12 years, decided to have a go at a romantic relationship about a year ago. We're both 27. The relationship is great overall, and there is a tremendous amount of mutual love and respect.

There has been a lot of talk in this forum about taking 100% responsibility. It seems that my girlfriend is not entirely aware of the advantages of this approach to life, but I am (to some extent), and that worries me a bit.

There are two specific symptoms of this that concern me.

1) She puts the blame for unwanted events on external causes, primarily other people (family, coworkers, strangers, ..) As an example of this, just today she left her bike unlocked outside a store. When she got back after a couple of minutes, somebody had locked the bike and thrown away the key. This pisses her off to no end -- at the person who did it, instead of herself! (at least that is how she expresses it).

This concerns me because:
a) Why did she leave her bike unlocked in the first place?
b) When you do that, you should in my opinion accept that it might not be there when you get back, and that is your own responsibility.
c) My feeling would have been gratitude: Yes, that was stupid of me and I learned my lesson, but thank god the bike was still there.
d) Additionally, I would have felt even more gratitude: Phew, I have a SPARE KEY! I don't have to replace the lock, and I can use the bike again promptly, as soon as I have walked home and back to the store with the spare key. Small price to pay for such an indiscretion.

(This was just an example, she is not careless in general)

2) She takes things very personal when they don't go her way. Sometimes she feels like the world conspires against her, and this feeling sometimes takes hours to subside. As an example of this, she is a very bad loser in board games (which we play a fair amount of). Losing always affects her, sometimes quite a lot (especially if someone played aggressively against her, to win the game). As a couple we have had two unconstructive fights, both occurring shortly after her losing a board game where I have played aggressively.

Although this was a very specific example, it also extends to other situations, e.g. difficult/troublesome DIY'ing, annoying coworkers and just bad days in general -- they knock her off her feet.

This concerns me because:

a) I am more resilient to negative external events, and I sometimes find her behaviour bordering on ridiculous from my point of view.
b) She has difficulty with separating the negative feelings in such situations from her positive feelings towards me. Her negativeness bleeds over into her feelings and behaviour towards me. This I find completely unacceptable, and have a hard time dealing with when it happens, especially because I cannot empathize with it at all.

I realize I am not perfect. But I realize that I can take 100% responsibility for myself, and I am proactively working to change and grow. It seems that my girlfriends does not share this worldview entirely.

Although the examples I have given are fairly narrow, I am worried that this trend of not taking responsibility for situations extends to not taking responsibility for her own life and happiness. And that gives me doubts about the potential of this relationship, in the 3 - 5 - 10 year range.

Any opinions/advice would be most welcome.

[Angela]

How have your conversations about this issue gone?

[ralphb]

I've not brought this up directly, partly because it's easy to come of as holier-than-though and I'm not sure how to approach it, and partly because this is something I have only formulated for myself recently.

We've touched on the second issue when I've felt treated unfairly, and confronted her with it. In those cases she does see my point of view, but is fundamentally defensive, and does (IMO) not fully accept responsibility for the hurt she has caused. In other words, her response is "I'm sorry that I took it out on you, it was not your fault, but that is just how I react in those situations".

(It is also her opinion that in those situations I should tell her that's she's being unreasonable and to go sit in a corner until she's cooled off (and I have to tell her this is in a way that gets through her agitation at the time, i.e. harshly). But that idea does not fly well with me, because it seems totally unfair and one-sided.)

In a more general sense, it's not my impression that she is shy of personal growth. In some areas of our relationships there is a surprising amount of openness and learning, and she is well-rounded as a person and very intelligent.

But it seems that she does just not (yet?) realize just how much control she has over her self and her life. Either that or she does not accept the implied responsibility?

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by ralphb

We've touched on the second issue when I've felt treated unfairly, and confronted her with it. In those cases she does see my point of view, but is fundamentally defensive, and does (IMO) not fully accept responsibility for the hurt she has caused. In other words, her response is "I'm sorry that I took it out on you, it was not your fault, but that is just how I react in those situations".

Ralph, I don't know about your girlfriend, she's not here talking to us. What I see is that you are confusing something about responsibility. (I really feel like a b*tch sometimes, first nagging at Statikkk, now at you... )

Taking responsibility does NOT mean that you take responsibility for other people's feelings. Only for your own. There is no hurt of yours she should take responsibility for, because there is no hurt she has caused in the first place. You choose to feel hurt. It is your responsibility.

What I find very useful is the reminder: "100% responsibility for my own stuff, 0% responsibility for other people's stuff". I know that may sound very harsh for some people, but adopting this mindset is extremely empowering.

Imagine she takes responsibility for your feelings, that would mean she has power over them. But she has not! You're trying to put the burden of your feelings on her shoulders, that's not fair.

If she accepts that she "just reacts like this in those situations", that's her decision, and she has the right to do that. Now it's your responsibility to decide whether you want such a situation or not. And your pain is yours to take responsibility for too.

I don't know if that was understandable?

[Rose of Cairo]

Ah, and something more:

You're worrying about things that could happen in 3-5-10 years. But that's future, not now. Read Eckhart Tolle

What is your problem right now? Does her behavior hurt you? In that case, see my previous post. Or do you just think she should not behave the way she does?

Welcome to the forum Congratulations to your status change from lurker to contributor! Hope you'll like it.

Lots of love,

Rose.

Ah and about the bike: this happened to me too, but I had no second key. It was so funny, I had to steal my own bike! And the best is that I was there, in the middle of the street in the afternoon, with my tool kit, obviously stealing a bike, and nobody asked me wtf I was doing

[Angela]

Ralphb, 100% responsibility, as I see it, is accepting reality (and people) exactly as they are and exactly as they are not, and boldly looking at who you are being that they occur for you the way they do. If you are requiring your girlfriend to take 100% responsibility, you are not taking 100% responsibility, because you are not accepting her exactly as she is and exactly as she isn't, and you're not looking at what you're being, you are focused on what she is being (and what you think she *should* be being.) That's a mouthful, isn't it, but you know what I mean, don't you?

Accepting someone exactly as she is and exactly as she is not means you give her the space of freedom, without which there is no love. No wonder she got defensive, yes? when you are demanding that she be other than what she is. That does not mean you condone her being mean to you, by the way. You can certainly stand for respect and courtesy in your relationship, and I would if I were you. And it sure doesn't mean you have to honor her *shoulding* you (that whole "you should tell her when she's being unreasonable, harshly" thing). You can say "no, thanks" to that if you're not willing. You are not her parent.

Here's a good example: you think she should be a good loser in board games, and she's not a good loser in board games. Telling her she should be a good loser is not going to make her a good loser, Ralph! You know that. It only irritates her only further, I'll bet. What if you look boldly at who you are being when you play board games. Aggressive for sure, yes? Very competitive? Can you imagine that leaves HER feeling aggressive and competitive, too? Frustrated and angry, maybe? So you two are mirroring each other, and maybe she started playing this game with a more friendly, light-hearted view. Again, that's not to say you can't play aggressively and competitively, but maybe that would work better if you played that way with someone else! Why require her to play the same "game" you're playing? That's no fun for either of you.

Most importantly, of course, is that you can't really claim 100% responsibility about living a life you love if you're not being straight with the woman you love. Right now you're being withholding and resentful, and I'll bet you can think of a more inspiring way of being in generating love, affinity, and closeness with Brunhilda. You can see that being withholding and resentful are costing you a fortune right now, right? And they're costing Brunhilda, too. My guess is that there are other areas of your life where you're being withholding and resentful, is that true?

Why not generate an entirely new way of being around this, and build a loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship with this woman whom you're clearly crazy about? You can do it all by yourself, without requiring her to do anything; you have the power. And if you don't want to do that, let her go with love; but I still recommend generating an inspiring way of being even if you break up, because you will feel good if you do.

What do you think?

[Herbalist]

Who is Brunhilda?

Just leave her, Ralph. That's my opinion and conclusion. Or change yourself to match her. But life's too short to live it not being truly yourself...

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by ralphb

There has been a lot of talk in this forum about taking 100% responsibility. It seems that my girlfriend is not entirely aware of the advantages of this approach to life, but I am (to some extent), and that worries me a bit.

It almost sounds like you are trying to take on her stuff as your responsibility. Or expecting her to be a certain way - more like you. You have judgments about her.

It also is a dynamic between you. You have a part in it and that is the part to look at. Her behavior also has some sort of dance on your side that you do. If you can find that part and change your part, maybe she will figure out she doesn't have to keep acting how she does.

I don't know how well it would go to tell someone you think they should to take 100% responsibility for their actions/behavior. That makes for a parent/child type interaction. Maybe just help her notice what she is doing by commenting. Like if she gets pissed at someone who locked her bike, you could state what it is she is doing. "Looks like you are pissed at the person who locked up your bike for you". Try to really understand her and if she can talk it out she might realize that she doesn't need to have a reaction like she did. You might be able to slip in something like, "that's too bad you are pissed" - "that is an inconvenience isn't it?". But don't come across, like you said, as you think you have a better way to deal with it - that's taking on some of her responsibility or trying to make her be more like you.

She has her own path and you can be a witness and help her observe her behavior. You can't change her. Only she can do that. You can stop your side of a dynamic and she may figure out that her side doesn't have the corresponding mirror to play it out with. She will either escalate until you react, or give up noticing she's dancing a lone, or escalate until she realizes there's no need for all that.

[PennyD]

If ever I am in a situation and I become aware that someone is feeling negative about a situation, ie bike being locked situation, and they are blaming others and I become aware that I would have processed the situation differently but yet would quite like to help them to 'feel' more positive about the situation, knowing full well they may not want this help nor is it my responsibility, yet still feel like I want to offer them a little thought that may make them feel a bit better..

I might say gently.. 'oh I hate it when people do things like that but I suppose on the bright side you still have your bike!' and then offer to help by going to get the spare key or might make a joke about how they obviously were not meant to cycle today... lol..

I guess this can be annoying for them when I say things like this but no one yet has brought it up as a problem and so I have to assume everyone who knows me knows that this sort of gratitude statement will come out of my mouth. I always try and validate their feelings first then gently offer a more positive way of feeling instead..

Another statement I might make is..
'I am just happy that you don't have to go to all the effort of reporting your bike stolen and then having to buy another one, I wouldn't want you to have to go to all that trouble, that wouldn't be fun!'

I then would leave the person alone to deal with the emotions of the situation however they chose. I would accept their behaviour around it.

In my heart I feel that 100% responsibility is quite an advanced way of living your life and with myself and with others I try and be as gentle and accepting as possible that sometimes the negative blame game can still run some of our emotional worlds.. I know first hand as someone who has been practicing manifestation and positive attitude for over ten years now that the blame game is very seductive and often entrenched in many of our Society's way of thinking and that to break away from this mind set and to live an empowered life is still very new to many of us and still takes time to break from as well as commitment to personal growth and self awareness and personal strength to make the mental decision to be positive when the negative path seems on the surface to be so much easier..

I guess I still love deeply those who blame others… just as I love myself when this occurs..

I think your girlfriend sounds quite lovely... (I am very competitive too but all my friends know this because I tell them and I don’t think they mind it... although I don't really allow myself to get into situations where this is triggered too much, because I can get nasty, and if I ever compete with my partner then I would be very careful that the situation did not turn bad... lol.. ) And you know what I have thought about working on my 'competitiveness' but actually do not want to.. I like having this personality trait.. somehow it reminds me that I am a feisty and flawed... I like it.. however I may look at it more in the future is it creates problems..

I guess what I am trying to say is be gently on your girlfriend.. she may not even be aware that there is another way of thinking? Maybe bring the whole philosophy up with her at some time when you are both relaxed and talking and ask her what she thinks?

[ralphb]

Hey everyone,

Thank you for you replies. There's a bit more here than I can process and reply to right now, but I'd just like to ask about something Rose of Cairo said:

Taking responsibility does NOT mean that you take responsibility for other people's feelings. Only for your own. There is no hurt of yours she should take responsibility for, because there is no hurt she has caused in the first place. You choose to feel hurt. It is your responsibility.

I see your point, but let me just for the sake of argument ask this: Is it your opininion that one should have NO emotional response to anything whatsoever ones partner says/does?

That's the kind of thing you'd expect from a corpse, IMO

[Angela]

Being really present and accepting, and giving up judgement and reaction, does not mean you are dead!

Quite the contrary, actually; when you are really present, you are open to the magnificent vitality of reality, right in front of you. You are dancing with life.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by ralphb

Is it your opinion that one should have NO emotional response to anything whatsoever ones partner says/does?

No, this is not my opinion. Personally, I would find it extremely boring to have a partner who has zero emotional response to what I say or do

Taking responsibility, in my eyes, means that I'm aware of the fact that I am the one creating my feelings and choosing my response to any situation.

To me it looks like you think you have no choice about the nature of your emotional response. Which means that you have to react in a certain way to a given situation, like feeling hurt when she's mean to you for example. That's what I don't agree with. I think that you're free to choose your response. And the choice is not only between feeling hurt or feeling nothing!

What determines your response is the thoughts you're having about the situation, not the situation itself. If it were the situation itself that forces you to feel in a certain way, we would all react the same way when in the same situation. But we don't. We react differently because we think differently about the situation.

By deliberately changing your thoughts about a situation, you have the power to change how you feel, thus how you react. You're free to choose your response. Try it, you'll see, it works

Once you're aware of that, you're aware of your own power and you know that it's not this situation or this person that makes you feel this way, it's yourself. Knowing that is what I for myself call taking 100% responsibility.

Doesn't mean that you'll always succeed in feeling like you want to feel (I wish I had already reached that point... ), but being aware of the fact that you and you alone create your own feelings takes the power away from the outside and gives it back to you, where it belongs. And that's good, cause changing how you think is much easier than changing some other person's behavior.

If you want to learn more about how to change the way you feel by changing your thoughts, there is this little thingy I wrote, and the serious recommendation is the book Ask and it is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks. There are 22 methods in there to help you feel better regardless of your situation

And, like I said, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle.

Lots of love,

Rose.

[jaamkie]

I don't quite understand the issue here... are you frustrated with her because of her negative actions directed at you or are you embarassed for her/feeling responsible for her emotions or what? If you're solely frustrated with her reaction toward you then I really don't understand- if someone I loved said: (assuming a bit) "ok I know sometimes when things go wrong in my life I get upset and wrongly let it spill over into how I treat you and I'm really sorry for doing that; I'm working through it in my own time, but for now if I do it again accidentally could you just let me know and give me some space so I can cool off and stop myself?" I would be happy to try to help them on their own path and to not take it personally and to love them for admitting/owning their shortcomings... so I don't get it...

also why would you "aggressively" play board games if you know the likely result? I mean really... you can harp about her being more responsible for her emotions or you can choose to avoid situations that trigger them...

[Joely]

Taking 100% responsibility for your life would suggest to me that you take 100% responsibility for how her actions make you feel and how you react to what she says and does. I agree with Angela in that it looks to me like you feel annoyed/frustrated/concerned about the way she behaves and as a result, want her to change to suit you. Love means accepting people as they are and allowing them the space in which to grow, encouragingly and gently. You choose whether or not to see her behaviour as problematic to the relationship or not - that's taking responsibility.

[SonoranBob]

Ralph,

I have struggled in the past with tendencies similar to your girlfriend’s. I wouldn’t presume that her issues are exactly the same as mine were, but my guess is it’s some variation on this theme:

She hasn’t learned that life is something you have to adapt to, not the other way around. She has unrealistic expectations that things are supposed to go her way, and when they don’t, it pisses her off.

So it’s not necessarily directly an issue that she is avoiding responsibility; she literally may not see that she has any responsibility in those areas. As far as she’s concerned, the bike should have been unmolested and she shouldn’t have to bother about the blasted lock. She doesn’t choose to live in a world full of bike-molesting idiots. And in a back-handed sense, she’s right – in an ideal world, people would totally respect her property and leave it the heck alone – just as she would for them. Her problem is she doesn’t respect the fact that it’s not her ideal world. The world doesn’t owe here anything. Other people don’t owe her anything. God and the universe don’t owe her anything. Other people don’t have her ethics or values and it shouldn’t surprise her when they fall short of her standards – even if they are “good” standards. And she can hold her breath and stomp her feet all she wants, but it isn’t going to change, automatically, because she wants it to.

Hence, the temper tantrums and funks and the bleed-through into your relationship. There’s a lot of impotent raging about how things should go and don’t. Most of it is nothing personal, but at some point, you’re not going to perform as expected and then watch out.

Absent some kind of life-changing insight she is never going to be happy because she’s waiting for the world to shape up and start behaving – she considers that a prerequisite to her happiness. This is not a formula for success.

It took three decades of this kind of misery for me to snap out of it and get the message that life will never conform to my ideals, nor does it need to in order for me to find peace and fulfillment. You cannot put conditions on how the external world must operate before you are willing to play the game. It’s a fool’s errand. It’s also a little nuts, actually.

Your SO may be less dense than me, and may mature more quickly. But knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t want to inflict my former self on someone for any length of time. So personally speaking, I’d bag it. Especially since you find the collateral damage in terms of how she treats you “completely unacceptable”. I don’t think it’s going to get much better very quickly, and not necessarily at all.

Others here have made the point that you are responsible for how you react to her. True enough. But one legitimate way you can accept that responsibility is to be honest with yourself and with her and say that you don’t want to deal with it. It’s your choice – nothing says you have to.

If you really want to stick this out no matter what, I can only suggest that it may help you to think more kindly of her to understand that in all likelihood, if she could see reality accurately, she’d accept her responsibility in areas such as your example bike scenario – as she no doubt already does in many other areas where she sees reality more clearly and accurately.

But I can’t tell you any one thing that helped to open my eyes to reality. My expectations were poorly set, I was a True Believer in certain key illusions, and only complete disillusionment with my warped reality, resulting in total desperation, allowed me to accept the broken, imperfect world around me, and find peace with the world as it is rather than as I wished it would be. I had to accept that most of my suffering was self-inflicted by trying to make the world work in ways it was not designed to. Initially, it’s a bitter pill to swallow, and I did everything in my power to resist it.

The truth is, people like your SO need to literally be completely disillusioned in order to liberate their true selves from an overweening ego that wants to have things its own way. And it’s almost like life will arrange itself to do that breaking, because until this matter is resolved, I believe with all my heart that God (or life or the universe, or whatever you choose to call it) is more interested in her character than in her happiness.

I guess you have to ask yourself if you want to bear witness to that and help her through it, accepting the possibility that she may or may not ever change. If that’s your calling, don’t shirk it – but if not, don’t feel bad about it.

Best to you,

--Bob