A bad case of "Too good to go..."

[danijelg]

Hi everyone..

I have been following some of the threads regarding difficulties in relationships, and learned a lot, but somehow I feel that it's not enough for me to deal with what I feel is one of the biggest decisions in my life - weather or not to commit to my relationship with my girlfriend, or to leave her and move on.

I'll try to keep the story as short as I can, so here goes:

Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 9 years. We were both young and unexperienced when we started dating so there were ups and downs naturally, but overall it felt good and it was fun.

The problems started about a year ago, a couple of months after we have moved in together. To support our new lifestyle I have accepted a well payed job as a programmer, abandoning my dreams of becoming a graphic designer or a musician. To make things more complicated I have applied for a loan and bought a new apartment for us. Soon I have realized that I am stuck with a job I hated and a dept and I started feeling very depressed. Gradually all the areas of my life started to get affected by the depression and it eventually led to problems at home.

To overcome the depression I have done some heavy self-help books and websites reading, talking to a therapist and to my friends. I was going through a really rough time and bad moods and I guess I wasn't such a great partner. Nevertheless my girlfriend was brave enough to go through all this with me and our relationship survived.

The thing is that I started feeling a lot better about myself lately. Started looking for another job and feeling very optimistic and self-confident about many areas of my life.. the problem is that I feel as if the "new me" has also come to realize that there is more to life than having only one lover in your life. I have unconsciously started to check out girls everywhere I go. It's frustrating and I feel very bad because I have very deep feelings about my girlfriend. We were talking about getting married and having children, and here I am having second thoughts.. especially after what she has gone through with me.

I feel very confused right now. We have discussed these issues and I feel that she expects me to decide on how I feel about our relationship and she well deserves an answer. Maybe someone could give me advice on how to seek my soul for an answer, because I feel quite disconnected from myself lately.

[JimOfferman]

All I can say is stay only if you want to stay. Don't stay because of her, don't stay because it's "too good to go", don't stay because it's easier than leaving. The only valid reason for staying is that it would be your choice to stay.

I could tell you that I'd consider you a fool to give up a stable relationship just to find out whether the grass is greener elsewhere, but the truth of the matter is that if you want to find out, then that is what you gotta do - regardless of what I or anyone else might think of it.

[openeyes]

Is it the relationship you want out of or the financial/job situation? Need the two be inextricably linked, or could you two be happier with a simpler lifestyle if it enables you to be together while still following your dreams?

[danijelg]

All I can say is stay only if you want to stay. Don't stay because of her, don't stay because it's "too good to go", don't stay because it's easier than leaving. The only valid reason for staying is that it would be your choice to stay.

I am well aware of this, but the problem is that I just can't decide. I can't make that choice, and it's killing me. I feel as if my life is so out of balance that I can't see what I want anymore. A friend of mine said to listen to my heart, and I am listening but I don't understand a word it's saying.

Is it the relationship you want out of or the financial/job situation?

Well, that's a very good question and it's difficult for me to distinguish. I have a very strong feeling that this is not the life I want for myself, but on the other hand I am having a hard time figuring out what I really want - both from a relationship and my career. Not a shiny example of living responsibly, I know

[Statikkk]

I feel what you are saying, danijelg. I feel similarly about my situation, and the more time passes the more the options seem just slightly out of grasp.

Have you had fully open and honest communication with her on this? If so, has the fact that this is now out in the open made things better or worse? One of my challenges is being honest but also recognizing that the honesty could make the situation strained enough that a resolution becomes very difficult. For example, I don't want to make any big decisions with my wife until I know which direction I want to go in. The problem is, it's really hard for us to sort out our issues when we both know that I've put our life together on hold. How are you handling this aspect?

I have the feeling if you truly just go with your heart, you would leave. No thinking, just a heartfelt decision. Is that true?

[danijelg]

Statikkk thank you for answering. I could really relate to the trouble you've been writing about in your thread.

Originally Posted by Statikkk

Have you had fully open and honest communication with her on this? If so, has the fact that this is now out in the open made things better or worse?

About a week ago we have had one really honest and deep conversation regarding our future together. It was really a new moment for us and it felt so great. Even if we have been together for a very long time, I feel as if we haven't been fully open towards each other, until just recently.

So, to answer your question - yes it made things better because things were really getting weird between us. But a paradox appeared - I was finally connecting deeper with my partner, and at the same time my urge to get out grew stronger. I feel as if I am deeply divided about this decision. A part of me feels that I haven't done all I can to make this relationship better, and another part feels very tired and just wants to give up.

Originally Posted by Statikkk

For example, I don't want to make any big decisions with my wife until I know which direction I want to go in. The problem is, it's really hard for us to sort out our issues when we both know that I've put our life together on hold. How are you handling this aspect?

This part is particularly hard for me. I feel very bad about myself most of the time because it's not fair to keep someone on hold like this. It's a real challenge for me to try and be there for her, even though I can't decide if I want to stay or leave.

Originally Posted by Statikkk

I have the feeling if you truly just go with your heart, you would leave. No thinking, just a heartfelt decision. Is that true?

Yes, but I would be leaving out of fear and not as a result of a conscious decision

[Statikkk]

So, to answer your question - yes it made things better because things were really getting weird between us. But a paradox appeared - I was finally connecting deeper with my partner, and at the same time my urge to get out grew stronger. I feel as if I am deeply divided about this decision. A part of me feels that I haven't done all I can to make this relationship better, and another part feels very tired and just wants to give up.

Quite the paradox. I think I am going through the same thing. I'm actually starting to think less and less about the idea that her issues are causing us problems, and more and more about it just being about our differences, and also my own issues. I don't feel I have done all I can - I've only recently opened up the communication and begun to define my boundaries better. Sounds like it's the same for you, no?

This part is particularly hard for me. I feel very bad about myself most of the time because it's not fair to keep someone on hold like this. It's a real challenge for me to try and be there for her, even though I can't decide if I want to stay or leave.

Exactly. It's so hard to be fully invested, as we need to be in order to sort things out, but also follow your heart which is in the process of de-investing. My wife has gone through some difficult times in recent months career-wise and I can definitely say I was not able to support her emotionally the way she needed me to. It just wasn't in me. So sad.

Yes, but I would be leaving out of fear and not as a result of a conscious decision[/quote]

Fear of what?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by danijelg

I am well aware of this, but the problem is that I just can't decide. I can't make that choice, and it's killing me. I feel as if my life is so out of balance that I can't see what I want anymore.

Not making the choice is what is killing you.

It is a simple choice, really. Stay or go. Both are equally valid options, so you cannot reason your way out of this. Every argument for the one choice can be countered with an equally valid argument for the other choice. It's not choosing between right and wrong but between right and right.

The only wrong here is not making that choice, defaulting to inaction and waiting for your surroundings to make a choice for you. Don't do that to yourself - it's killing!

I can't tell you to stay or go - only that you should pick one and face the consequences, good and bad. No matter how you choose, things will get better after you have reached a decision. Maybe not immediately, but in the long run definitely.

[Statikkk]

Oops - sorry for my badly quoted reply, I got some forum learning to do!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Not making the choice is what is killing you.

Every argument for the one choice can be countered with an equally valid argument for the other choice.

Jim, you seem to have a way of saying things I am thinking so very straightforwardly.

Sitting on a fence is a very uncomfortable place to be. You can always come up with pros and cons -- infinitely till the end of time -- and be miserable in the process. I feel that if you make a decision, either decision, you will feel much better having done so. If you decide to stay, you can then put your focus on communicating and making things better, taking responsibility for yourself and sharing your newfound self with your partner. If you decide to go, you can leave with love and understanding and allow both you and your former partner to go forward. Living in a state of confusion and uncertainty all the time will hurt both of you. I feel like there is no certainty in life and that accepting that will help a great deal. How can we even know that we know what we know, you know? We just have to decide what we want and go for it. You can always change your mind later.

[Lola]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

The only wrong here is not making that choice, defaulting to inaction and waiting for your surroundings to make a choice for you. Don't do that to yourself - it's killing!

I can attest to this. Knowing an action needs to be taken one way or the other and not taking action, waiting for the universe or another person to deliver, is excruciating. And not only that, when you do this you're giving your power over your life away to other people and external events.

Make a decision. Own the decision. Take action. You'll feel much more at peace regardless of which choice you make.

[Statikkk]

I have a question about the notion of making a decision one way or another, and not waiting for external factors to help you.

How long do you wait? In other areas of life, we totally wait to see how things pan out. When you're in a job you're not 100% sure about, you see how things go and what you can do in your role to make it better, right? With family we give them tons of rope. Friendships, personal development, etc.

So is it the same with intimate relationships? Is there a reason why we need to speed up the decision making process?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

In all of those areas, wouldn't making a decision -- to leave your job or commit totally to making it better, to love your family and spend time with them reagardless of their crap or decide not to associate with them, to take your friends for who they are or find new ones, to commit to personal development or leave it alone -- be the best way to approach it? I think you have made decisions in each of those areas, even subconsiously. The way you relate to them is acting out those decisions.

Again, I don't think you wait. You make a decision and act from there. If you wait for everything to be clear you will wait forever. Right? At this point you've made a decision to live in uncertainty.

Hmmm, I don't know if I am making sense?

ETA: You can still be in a state of noticing how things are progressing and changing which might cause you to make a different choice in the future. But choosing a side now helps you know how to act in the context of the current moment. You can't know all the factors that will come into play in the future. If I decide to leave my job or relationship I have a guide for what to do next. If I decide to stay and commit to either, I also have a guide for what to do next: give my focus to making it work and live as if I am in it rather than on the fence. And now I am just repeating myself...

[Statikkk]

LOL I gotcha loud and clear, Aspiring. In any given moment, one must be working towards one side or the other. No half-stepping. So right now, I am working towards having a happy, loving relationship with my wife. At the same time though, I can't remove the doubts in my head. If there were no doubts then the decision would be so trivial I would never talk or post about it.

I think that's where things get sticky - you commit to one thing but there is weight in the opposite direction. That's where I am right now.

Maybe I'm not fully seeing what you, Jim and Rose mean when you talk about making a choice?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Sorry if I seemed too aggressive...remember I am one of those really emotional people!

I don't think you should pretend your doubts aren't there, certainly not. I guess for me there were times I felt the same and it was a really miserable way to live. At one point I decided that I was making everything worse by always doubting so I chose to realize that as long as I was in it I was in it. Until or unless I actually walked out the door I would live as though this was something I wanted -- and things got better. Maybe read Loving What Is by Byron Katie. I kind of got the concept from there.

Somebody help me out here .

[Statikkk]

OK, I think I'm with you now. Involvement begets commitment, commitment begets success. You get what you focus on, etc.

So the doubts will be there, but like Jim said you can't weigh right vs. wrong in a situation like this. It's just experience vs. experience. So at any given moment, give the experience you are living all you can.

I think I get it, and it's so motivating. I want to figure out how I can be in the state of "getting it" all the time - especially when I am living out my life and not just on this forum.

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Statikkk

At the same time though, I can't remove the doubts in my head. If there were no doubts then the decision would be so trivial I would never talk or post about it.

I think that's where things get sticky - you commit to one thing but there is weight in the opposite direction. That's where I am right now.

Statikkk - in my experience, my doubts existed for a reason. To wake me up, to force me to examine if continuing with the choice I had already made was the best choice. My advice about doubts is to consider what they're about and where they're coming from. What are they telling you? Then you choose to stick to your original decision and choose to disregard and banish the doubts, or you choose to go a different direction in accordance with the message the doubts helped you to uncover.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Jim, you seem to have a way of saying things I am thinking so very straightforwardly.

Thanks!

Originally Posted by Statikkk

I think I get it, and it's so motivating. I want to figure out how I can be in the state of "getting it" all the time - especially when I am living out my life and not just on this forum.

It takes patience and practice. Getting the idea is only the first step. Living it is walking to the end of the street - at least. But don't fret, just enjoy the walk! Have you ever heard this:

The journey is the reward

It's an old Chinese proverb apparently, but I gleaned it years ago of the title from a book in my dad's study. Never read the book, but those words really stuck in my head because they are so very true: every step, every experience, every lesson learned - all are the rewards of your life's journey.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Have you guys who are in flux heard this podcast by Steve:

http://www.stevepavlina.com/podcasts...g-Problems.mp3

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Thanks!

Mwah!

[danijelg]

Thank you everyone for posting.. I am sad to report that things just got more complicated over the weekend. We have had a long discussion about our relationship and the problems we are experiencing, but we came to no conclusion. She said some beautiful things about her feelings towards me that took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. I wish I could have said something back, but I was speechless.

We are currently in a state of living together, but not being together. I thought that living with my confusion and not letting her know about it was hard - well that was nothing compared to this "roommates" status - however we joked about it yesterday and compared our situation to that of Will & Grace (except for the fact that I am not gay and she is not an interior designer)

We have spent the weekend trying to have fun as friends. It felt somewhat good with the pressure of relationship lifted, but we had to work hard not to let ourselves slip into sadness about our situation. It was really sad to go back home to our apartment at the end of the day though - we have worked very hard for the last couple of months and just finished setting it up and decorating it - and here we are one step away from breaking up.. So sad...

I blame myself for not dealing with this before we even got the apartment.. I feel so naive and angry to have thought that things will just get better

[Rose of Cairo]

danijel,

I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread with full attention. I just read your opening post and wanted to say this spontaneously:

You thought that because of living together, you had to make changes. You thought that you needed this new lifestyle. You thought that in order to afford it, you needed this good paying job, you thought that you couldn't afford it while doing graphic design or music. You thought you needed this loan and to own an apt.

What if all these assumptions are not true at all?

What I see is that you freely chose not to be true to yourself and of course this didn't make you happy. And now you're associating your feeling bad with your relationship, while in fact it has nothing to do with your relationship. You're feeling bad because of your own choices. I can totally understand that you want out of this situation! This job, this life is not who you are. Fine, but this has nothing whatsoever to do with your girlfriend. It doesn't look like she forced you to do all this. You thought that you had to do it because of the new relationship status. But is it really the case?

How about that? You quit your job, and do what you love, graphic design, or music. You go back to being yourself. If you can't afford the lifestyle anymore, you change the lifestyle. If your girlfriend leaves you because the new