Should marry or not

[horhe]

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum and I think it is the right place where I can speak my thoughts.

The situation is as follows: 5 months ago I met this girl that I love and she loves me. After only 2 weeks (much of it because of chance) we moved in together and everything was cool and lovely, and still is.
A couple of months ago we decided to marry sometimes in Spring of 2008, well truth is mostly because she insisted, I told her it's too early but let it go in the end cause I thought 'Hell I'm gonna marry her anyway doesn't really matter if it's earlier or later'.

Now that the date is approaching I started to feel anxious about the whole marriage situation. The reasons are:
- compared to what I was thinking 2 months ago now I think it is too early to know each other better, even though we love each other
- there were a few fights that I really didn't like, we are both stubborn and we let go pretty hard
- this one is the stronger, i'm the type who was a lone wolf all my life and I love hanging out with guys drinking and all. I can still do it but not as much as I would like too. We've been talking alot about this and we had fights over this, we both tried to compromise but I still feel a bit 'caged'.

I thought of discussing with her but I know her and I think it can't be done, the moment would talk about the thought of postponing marriage she would pack her bags.

So now I am torn apart between chosing 1) being married and settled down life or 2) revert to my old style life.

I know that I am the only one who should think it through and make a decision but I would love to hear someone else thoughts who've been in a similar situation.

Thanks,
Manuel

[fourthdan]

I'm not married... but I do think it does make a difference if you marry her now or later. For example - statistics show there is a huge chance you'll end up divorced if you marry when you're younger than 25. It's about being old / mature enough to handle something like marraige - which involves stuff like compromise and settling (the two are different). However that sort of implies maturity comes with age, and that isn't always necessary :P

Anyways marraige isn't just about what your relationship is like with her. It really is entering a different phase of your life - and your relationships and life WILL change. Your job / income will become about saving, investing for and supporting you two (or more if you get kids). Your time will become such a precious resource and luxury.

Marraige is hard. But if it works out well, it's worth it. (the exact same line applies to life )

If it's one or the other you can definately choose your old lifestyle, and you can meet no shortage of people who tell you not to get married. And it will be a valid choice too.

But you are choosing an easy path, and skipping a huge oppurtunity altogether - one which comes far and few between. You might regret it later on, when you don't have the option of marraige. The easy lifestyle's always gonna be there (that is till your friends get married and have little time themselves)

Think about all those things and more before you make up your mind. Why do you want to get married? Maybe make a pro's and cons list. I think other replies to this thread from married people would also help. Best of luck.

[Lisa McGregor]

Listen to your intuition. If you are not 100% committed then I would suggest that you are not ready. Don't allow yourself to be forced into something as important as marriage. It should be a life long commitment (not a sentence).

Best of luck with your decision.
Lisa

[Terumoto]

Just talk to her about it, I reckon. If she packs her bags and leaves just because you were talking honestly about your feelings, then great. It's blatantly obvious your marriage would not have been the most pleasant matrimony in the world. If she is understanding of you and the way you feel, maybe that's a sign she does truly love you and it might get rid of some of the doubts you've been having.

[cdn2wheeler]

From what you've posted here, horhe, I'd strongly suggest that marriage at this time isn't the right thing for you.

It seems that your lady may be more interested in getting married than she is in being married.

That's not really surprising. The wedding industry is extremely good at marketing and manipulating young women into believing in the "one perfect day," complete with $3000 dress, $5000 engagement ring, $4000 honeymoon, $4000 reception and all the rest.

Terumoto, fourthdan and Lisa McGregor are all bang on the money here. If you express your reservations about it - and you should, because you're not doing her or yourself any favours by going into this commitment only half-assed - and she threatens to leave you, then bid her a gentle, respectful, loving good-bye. But on the other hand if she agrees to work with you to help you overcome some of your doubts, then she might be a good match.

But at this point, it's really far too soon to be even considering a life-long commitment. IMHO, there should be at least a full year together before there's any talk of engagement or marriage.

[ellie]

Originally Posted by Lisa McGregor

Listen to your intuition. If you are not 100% committed then I would suggest that you are not ready. Don't allow yourself to be forced into something as important as marriage. It should be a life long commitment (not a sentence).

Best of luck with your decision.
Lisa

Lisa is right, listen to your intuition. The majority of the time it's right and then we regret later when we don't listening to it - te he!

I think deep down you know this is not the right time for you, but maybe your scared of the outcome and how she will react. You will save yourself a lot of hassle if you are open now.

[horhe]

Thanks everyone for your suggestions, your answers are mostly like I felt they would be, I wonder why...

Uuuh so I will have to talk to her, that's for sure, she told her family we'll be getting married in a couple of months and so on but still, I have to do it.

Will get back with details!

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by horhe

Thanks everyone for your suggestions, your answers are mostly like I felt they would be, I wonder why...

Uuuh so I will have to talk to her, that's for sure, she told her family we'll be getting married in a couple of months and so on but still, I have to do it.

Will get back with details!

Good. Not to mention, marriage is actually cheaper then divorce. Much better to be the fiancee who left, then the husband with kids who left.

[Michelle]

Just want to support what others have said already. Based on what you wrote in your original post, I would most definitely advise against marriage at this point.

If she loves you, the simple reason that you need more time should suffice.

[Vasilisa]

You are not that crazy about her, that's why all these doubts come into your mind. You have been living together for 5 months- enough time to understand if you want to be with a person or not. Obviously you don't think she is the one.

[JimOfferman]

Some old friends of mine decided to be in a committed relationship, but not marriage. They bought each other silver rings, not gold, to indicate that yes there is a bond... but we're not quite ready for marriage just yet.

I always felt that was a rather nice gesture. Maybe such an arrangement could work for you guys too?

[Rohini]

Take your time!!! You love her , she loves you that is absolutely fine. But marriage works only when love matures. So give some time for it!
Have you discussed your future with her?? If the answer is NO then you are in the right track!
Love her, understand her , analyse her(without she knowing it! ) and then decide! because LOVE matters even after marriage!!!

[Guardian Angel]

Hi! I hope my post is just right in time. Just to inform you that there are 3 major considerations to know if it is the right time to marry someone.

1.0 FINANCIAL STABILITY
2.0 EMOTIONAL STABILITY
3.0 PSYCHOLOGICAL CAPACITY

It will be a long post so I suggest you read the details through this link, and hope it can somehow help you. Thanks!

Successful Marriage Tips: When Should I Marry?

[SonoranBob]

Manuel,

I think you are confusing what our society calls "falling in love" (the technical term is cathexis) with actual love and intimacy. You don't love each other, you cathect each other. It's sort of like being in love with the idea of being in love. You're projecting your fantasies onto each other ... although as you can see, the illusion is not very sustainable and is already breaking down.

For 6 to 18 months after meeting a woman you are in the throes of a hormone cocktail. This is the transcendent, on top of the world feeling. In this state you can't see each other's faults and are normally content just to breathe the same air. Plus, you want to have sex three times a day. If you are already having trouble working out your relationship before you are fully out of that phase, then I see nothing but trouble ahead.

In addition, "it will happen sooner or later anyway" is just about the lamest possible excuse for doing anything, much less a big commitment like getting married. In fact I see a pattern here. You moved in together (another big decision) largely "because of chance"?? Manuel, the important decisions in your life deserve something other than passivity and random chance.

I am willing to guess that you have never sat down and thought deeply for many hours over a period of days about the kind of woman you want and need in your life, and how you were going to find a person with those qualities (most people think it will just happen by magic). I'm willing to bet you've not systematically picked the brains of others about what works and what doesn't in their intimate relationships, and why. I'm just guessing you haven't read several credible books on the topic. I'm willing to bet that you have not sought counsel and wisdom about this issue from someone you respect.

Manuel, you are with a controlling woman who is insecure about you having your own friends. Whether this is actually true (probably yes) or if it's largely your perception, doesn't really matter. It has "trouble" written all over it. I urge you to get away from that relationship for a few days and really think about what you want out of life and out of love. And then act accordingly.

If you're confused and getting nowhere and don't know anyone to turn to for advice, then make an appointment with a good therapist. You need to get your **** together before your life goes to hell.

By the way, here's a free hint. Look at her mother. That's what will be sitting across the table from you in thirty years. And look at her father. That's you in thirty years. And blast it, don't think you're going to be different somehow. That's baloney.

Best,

--Bob

[horhe]

Hi everyone,

Bob thanks for your mind opening words, I think you have quite an experience coming out with that kind of reply.

So I sat down and talked to my girlfriend, I told her that it is better for me to postpone the whole thing a couple of months so I can get used with the marriage idea because many things changed in the last months that might caught me unprepared (which is true).
She was a bit upset but she understood and said that it's ok.

Fastforward a few days later (now) and I am still not convinced that I want to marry her and I don't like having doubts like this.
On one hand I would call the whole thing off and break up and see what's next, but on the other hand I'm afraid that I might lose a great girl that is really hard to find.

I invested a lot in this relationship, emotion, time, money everything and I want it to be a great relationship. But I would end it in a blink of an eye if I would be convinced that it is the best thing for me (and possibly for her too).

Bob you are right, people in a relationship should (almost) always speak what they think or dark clouds appear. I think I didn't speak (enough?) when it was necesarry to speak. Instead I let go in the event that things will be better, I better keep it for myself.
I think this silence of mine is not related strictly with this girl, but with people in general. I'm the type that I prefer to be quite than saying words that I think could make people feel bad. Well not in all cases but many nonetheless. Funny I always thought this is a bad thing, it always leaves a bad tase keeping things for myself, things that should be spoken out.

You're also right that I didn't speak about this issue with no one that I respect, or one that it is close to me, I think because that would put me in a position of which I must publically admit that I have problems and I can't deal with them myself.

Dont know what to do next, I would take one day all by myself if I could and think this through.

Cheers