First Time Dealing With Death

[Michelle]

I don't have any blood relatives here in Switzerland, but I do have my boyfriend's family. They love me as one of their own, and I love them and they are the closest thing to real family that I've ever had.

My boyfriend grew up as one of 3 brothers in this family. They were all very close, and lucky to have grown up in such a healthy and supportive environment. This past October, however, the youngest brother, age 26, died while working on his computer. His heart experienced an arrhymthmia which prevented enough oxygen from reaching his brain. If he hadn't been alone there may have been a chance to save his life. Anyway, it doesn't matter now. In any case, it is the first time I am confronted with the loss of someone close to me.

The day I was informed of his death I was shocked but not surprised - if that makes any sense. I had felt for some time that it was coming. It is hard to describe, but I sensed that his soul was only here on a temporary (that is, shorter than usual) ticket.

Having felt that isn't making dealing with all these feelings now easier though. First it strikes me as just weird that someone can be here one day and then not the next. The day before he died, we went to Ikea together. The next day, he was on a one way ticket into another realm. I just find this hard to wrap my head around.

On the one hand, I know that life goes on after death. I feel it, and in some ways I intrinsically understand it. Don't ask me how, but I do. I don't see the point of getting all worked up about death either. It is obvious that this life is only temporary, and that our culture does a bang up job of filling something normal and natural with fear, sadness and suffering.

On the other hand, I miss him. I feel angry and hurt that he didn't say good bye. A simple "see ya later" would have sufficed. I am pained by my boyfriend's suffering and at the suffering of his family and friends. He was such a good young man. Intelligent, active, honest - really making a difference in this world. Hundreds of people are mourning his death. He is really loved and it just makes me really sad that he isn't here.

I guess you could say I'm ambivalent.

The main thing that is bothering me though, is that I don't get a sense of him being around. I mean, if I died I think I would hang around for a few minutes just to let my people know I'm ok. But I don't feel him anywhere, and I trust my feelings. Part of me thinks that he simply moved on, because he was very smart and pragmatic like that. He came to earth, did his thing and now it is on to bigger and better. But can we really have been that insignificant to him? Why no sign of or from him? Why no feeling that everything is okay?