trying not to fear relationships but not having success

[introspective1]

For several years now, I have feared getting into a relationship. My last relationship made me very unhappy. I have seen so many of my friends get hurt in relationships and the ones that stay in long-term relationships seem to stay cause its convenient but they are VERY unhappy and feel like they cant leave. It seems to me that after the first few years of a relationship, the two parties come to resent each other. I just dont want to feel trapped like I did before. I have spent so much of my young life (i am 25) miserable and I cant afford to throw anymore away. I really wanna be in a relationship, but then there is a part of me that is so independent and does not wanna be controlled by anybody and seems to me that the majority of people have control issues. Plus, I cant argue without losing complete control of my temper and becoming verbally abusive...I guess I always feel like I have to be on the defensive because everywhere that i go, whether it be around family or friends, I feel like I always have to explain who I am and my decisions, rather than just being able to be myself. Personally, i think relationships are overrated...lol what purpose do they serve other than making both parties bitter and argumentative? Why do people have to be in LTRs/marriages? Seems to me, society thinks everyone has to find the "one" or else there is something wrong with you...thats such baloney. I miss having someone be affectionate towards me but I honestly think (I guess this makes me a weak person...oh well) that a relationship (esp. a lifelong one) would be too much work for me and just stress me to the point of suicide...most relationships seem to ALWAYS go bad anyway....

Plus, I wont let someone hurt me again..people say you can control your feelings....well, maybe I will just choose to control them by not putting myself in a situation (i.e., relationship) to get hurt...problem solved..

[Acting Like Godot]

Well, if you don't feel like getting into a serious relationship, then don't. Simple as that.

[Herbalist]

introspective1, I agree with you. A relationship is a great commitment. Lifelong commitment. And "social context" tells us - "get married as soon as possible!"

Let me explain you why. I don't want to be cynical, and/or to tell "any relationship is bad". But take into consideration these arguable "facts".

The union known as "family" is very convenient to deal with for the government. It increases the population. (Think "soldiers" and "taxes"). It ties a person to a place (think "house loan").

In exchange for what? Love? Sex? Is it necessary to get married in order to get both of these together or separatedly? Of course not.

So, as Acting Like Godot already said: "...if you don't feel like getting into a serious relationship, then don't. Simple as that." Enjoy love and sex without relationship. Just be honest with your expectations and the expectations of your love partner. From the very beginning.

[Dusty]

I want to preface this by saying I have never been in a relationship. That said, here goes...

You are confusing opening your heart with giving your power away to someone else...

You want that affection, the deep conversations, the time when you feel completely understood by a lover, and they understand you, and all the joys relationships bring, yet you're **** scared of becoming a doormat as you do this.

"Plus, I cant argue without losing complete control of my temper and becoming verbally abusive..."

That's from you being pissed at yourself for not standing up for yourself. You know what I'm talking about.

"I feel like I always have to explain who I am and my decisions, rather than just being able to be myself."

You might be explaining yourself away to people who I call interrogators... they ask a lot of pointed questions, they like to play devil's advocate, and they seek to make you feel stupid. Their unspoken message is "my way is the only right way. If you don't do it my way, you're stupid!" Ring a bell?

I deal with these people by giving them an ultimatum: accept my fully as I am or be gone.

To get back to opening your heart without becoming a doormat, QUALIFY people before you open your beautiful, sensitive, vulnerable heart to them.

Ask them questions. Are they sincere? Compassionate? Accepting? Do they have a sense of humor? High self esteem?

"what purpose do they serve other than making both parties bitter and argumentative?"

I bet a big part of this comes from your relationships not being polarized, that is, having a leader and a follower. If you don't decide with your lover who's going to lead (the guy... if you want your plumbing to work right ) you are bound to have power struggles. Before you become yin, allowing him to be yang, make sure he's earned your trust! See if he is a fit leader.

"I miss having someone be affectionate towards me but I honestly think (I guess this makes me a weak person...oh well)"

"Plus, I wont let someone hurt me again..people say you can control your feelings....well, maybe I will just choose to control them by not putting myself in a situation (i.e., relationship) to get hurt...problem solved.."

As my relationship teacher is telling me:

Unconditional Love minus Putting up with Crap = Happy.

You've got to clearly distinguish the two.

Dusty

oh... one other thing. Don't try to not fear something... love it. The only way out of fear is love.

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by Dusty

I want to preface this by saying I have never been in a relationship. That said, here goes...

You are confusing opening your heart with giving your power away to someone else...

You want that affection, the deep conversations, the time when you feel completely understood by a lover, and they understand you, and all the joys relationships bring, yet you're **** scared of becoming a doormat as you do this.

"Plus, I cant argue without losing complete control of my temper and becoming verbally abusive..."

That's from you being pissed at yourself for not standing up for yourself. You know what I'm talking about.

"I feel like I always have to explain who I am and my decisions, rather than just being able to be myself."

You might be explaining yourself away to people who I call interrogators... they ask a lot of pointed questions, they like to play devil's advocate, and they seek to make you feel stupid. Their unspoken message is "my way is the only right way. If you don't do it my way, you're stupid!" Ring a bell?

Yeah that definitely rings a bell! Thats exactly why I dont like to consult people before I make decisions, although, I find myself doin that anyway.

I deal with these people by giving them an ultimatum: accept my fully as I am or be gone.

To get back to opening your heart without becoming a doormat, QUALIFY people before you open your beautiful, sensitive, vulnerable heart to them.

Ask them questions. Are they sincere? Compassionate? Accepting? Do they have a sense of humor? High self esteem?

"what purpose do they serve other than making both parties bitter and argumentative?"

I bet a big part of this comes from your relationships not being polarized, that is, having a leader and a follower. If you don't decide with your lover who's going to lead (the guy... if you want your plumbing to work right ) you are bound to have power struggles. Before you become yin, allowing him to be yang, make sure he's earned your trust! See if he is a fit leader.

I see both parties in a relationship as equals....I dont think it should be polarized cause that makes one person feel like they cannot handle the other, thus leading to the bitterness of which I am talking about, and can lead to put downs and verbal abuse.

"I miss having someone be affectionate towards me but I honestly think (I guess this makes me a weak person...oh well)"

"Plus, I wont let someone hurt me again..people say you can control your feelings....well, maybe I will just choose to control them by not putting myself in a situation (i.e., relationship) to get hurt...problem solved.."

As my relationship teacher is telling me:

Unconditional Love minus Putting up with Crap = Happy.

You've got to clearly distinguish the two.

Dusty

I have NO idea how to distinguish btwn Unconditional love vs putting up with crap....guess I can only figure that out through trial and error

oh... one other thing. Don't try to not fear something... love it. The only way out of fear is love.

So what are you saying? I dont understand what you mean by "dont try to not fear something....love it". arent those two kinda the same thing? Thanks for your insight, though...This was a very well written post!