Abandonment vs Imprisonment

[shesaboutspirit]

I read somewhere recently that the two greatest fears we have are abandonment and imprisonment. Two sides of the same coin. In my life, I would have to agree...as one parent appeared to abandon and the other to imprison. If I can see into it a little more, the one appearing to imprison, was also abandoning...because a needy Mom has really already "left" as a healthy caregiver...and is instead, showing up as one who takes a bit more than they give.

I've rolled with these dynamics in all of my relationships. Gaining awareness while pursuing the unavailable one and running from the "needy" one. It's felt a bit like "would I rather die by being burned or frozen to death", smothered or ignored...

While I've grown considerably in my forty-five years, plus one divorce...I am still letting these crazy dynamics influence my choices. No doubt it's the main catalyst that fuels my drive to heal and grow.

So I would like to ask you here, my fellow forum friends...You are all obviously into understanding and growing as well.. What are some of your ideas on these dynamics that I've mentioned? And how have some of you made peace with them?

I know there is a balance...and that it's within...which I continue to work toward. Healing my inner neediness etc. What else...

[shesaboutspirit]

guess I'm the only one

good to know...

Pam

[manuelg]

Originally Posted by shesaboutspirit

I read somewhere recently that the two greatest fears we have are abandonment and imprisonment.

I would start by remembering that plenty of people have been through the experience of true and absolute abandonment and true and absolute imprisonment and lived through it, and grew from it, and rose above it all.

Practice laughing in the face of abandonment and imprisonment, because even in their most hideous forms, they only have limited power.

For myself, I would often imagine the "worst" possible thing that could happen, and think about the very first action I would take to improve my situation in that event.

If I thought I might lose a lover, or lost a job, I would just imagine it happened, and thought about the very first active step I would take to improve my situation.

[manuelg]

I would make it less about "abandonment" and "imprisonment", and make it more about "I roll with the punches"

Making it more specific just gives "abandonment" and "imprisonment" more power.

Heh, I can handle abandonment and imprisonment just fine, it is sinking into depression and inaction that scares me.

[shesaboutspirit]

Thanks Manuelg,

Just the fact that the post hung out there all day was enhancing the abandonment sensations... Tough day anyway, and you're right...because I dip into depression and inactivity often. It makes it harder to see that I may really have healthy commitments (my children), and the freedom to find a healthy relationship ('cause I'm single). Sheds a whole new light.

Thank you,

Pam

[FelicityH]

I have nothing enlightening to add, other than to say I *completely* understand "where you are"... because I am right there with you.