is it a guy thing?

[laur_454]

Does anyone have any information on why people say horrible things that they don't mean when they are upset? Do they mean these things on some level? Can these things be forgiven, or does it depend on the situation and its severity? My boyfriend tends to say very harsh things when we argue that I honestly don't think he means. He's normally very sweet to me and I have no idea why he'd do this. I notice that my father tends to be harsh when he's angry too. Is this a guy thing maybe?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, laur. Sorry you are dealing with this.

My ex did that, but then again so did I. So, no I don't think it is a guy thing. It may have more to do with feeling unheard or frustrated in some way. Sometimes, for me, I would get to a point in a disagreement where I felt like I was being ignored or misunderstood and I've said things like that to make him feel as bad as I did. Not a very healthy way to communicate! We spent a lot of time after arguments saying, "I am sorry I said those things. I was angry and I didn't mean them." For me at least, I really didn't (and I don't think he did either. I know that he loved me ). As time went on and we explained to each other how those things hurt despite the fact that they did not reflect our true feelings, we made promises to try to stop doing that.

What kinds of things is he saying? Have you talked to him about how his comments make you feel? What was his response?

I bet you will get some better responses, but I just wanted to tell you my experience with this in hopes it would help. It's not a good pattern of communication to get into. And if you both agree on that you can come up with some better options for times when you disagree, some "rules of engagement." If he doesn't see name calling or horrible things as a big deal, you have another issue on your hands.

[Jennihul]

He's a dirty fighter. I used to be. It's about winning, not solving.

He can learn to change, if he wants to. There are techniques. It also helps 100% to have respect for the person you are fighting with. When I was a dirty fighter with my first husband, it was partially because I had no respect for him.

Does he have any for you?

Jennifer

[Mark Lapierre]

For some people it's a defense mechanism. When some people feel they're under attack (even if they're not), they react by lashing out. In this case it's a verbal lashing. Or as the aspiring one said, the trigger can be frustration, though the response is the same.

Heightened emotional states make us lose our ability to inhibit certain types of responses, and while that can result in words being said that aren't meant, you should be prepared for the possibility that he truly does mean it.

I've heard enough complaints about other people to know that it's not something that only guys do, and it's not something that only happens in romantic relationships.

Can you two work together to resolve the issues which lead to him lashing out? If you can then if I were in your shoes I'd be happy to forgive.

[laur_454]

I think he does respect me.... He certainly treats me well when we are aren't fighting.... That being said though, he's used to being single, he's a guys' guy, and he's kind of the cocky alpha male.... He's a good person and I've known him for a while. People always tell me that he's different with me and that he's nicer to me then they've seen him with anyone else... And I'll vouch for that, considering that I knew him as a friend before we began dating. So yes, I think he does respect me. He's kind of a mama's boy though. (ugh) And I think the main woman in his life is still his mother - which is ok, we've only been together 6 months.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by laur_454

I think he does respect me.... He certainly treats me well when we are aren't fighting.... That being said though, he's used to being single, he's a guys' guy, and he's kind of the cocky alpha male.... He's a good person and I've known him for a while. People always tell me that he's different with me and that he's nicer to me then they've seen him with anyone else... And I'll vouch for that, considering that I knew him as a friend before we began dating. So yes, I think he does respect me. He's kind of a mama's boy though. (ugh) And I think the main woman in his life is still his mother - which is ok, we've only been together 6 months.

Hey, are you dating my ex?! I certainly hope not since we only broke up a couple of weeks ago . But that sounds a lot like him.

Good luck,
The Aspiring One (I kinda like that )

[Angela]

Originally Posted by laur_454

He's normally very sweet to me and I have no idea why he'd do this. I notice that my father tends to be harsh when he's angry too. Is this a guy thing maybe?

No, it's a YOU thing.

You have been accepting this abusive behavior for six months, so why should he stop?

Laur, have you read this thread: difficult spouse interactions?

This fellow had all the warning signs right from the start, and he married the woman anyway. Now he is firmly entrenched in a situation that is causing him some serious pain. You don't want to find yourself in that boat, do you? You had a close call recently. I hear in your post the same defending of the abuser that poster does; aspiring has been through that; I have done that, too. "But I LOOOOVE him!" -- the anguished cry of the abused partner. The longer you accept the unacceptable, the more firmly the pattern is set. I'm glad to hear it's been only six months, because you'll have a relatively easy time extricating yourself from this. I don't mean necessarily breaking up; I mean interrupting this pattern in which he feels entitled to behave abusively, and you let him.

And you have the power to interrupt this pattern of accepting abuse. I really hope you use that power. What's stopping you? How long will you do this?

Here's wishing you the strength to take a stand for yourself, and have a REAL partner in life.

Lots of love and good healing wishes,
Angela

[Sushi]

Men tend to be more aggressive then women and this has some to do with testosterone. Nobody really knows the real reason behind it. Maybe it is because we had to hunt giant wooly mammoths or something

[Terumoto]

Nope, not a guy thing... My girlfriend does them to me, those below-the-belt insults, and harsh, snide comments lol.

I'm male and I don't do it. I think it just differs from person to person and isn't based on gender.

[laur_454]

Very interesting feedback Angela, how would you suggest I do it?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by laur_454

Angela, how would you suggest I do it?

Well, the first thing I would suggest is taking 100% responsibility for living a life you love, and in particular, 100% responsibility for your well-being. Right now, it seems, his well-being is a higher priority for you than your own. We women have been socialized to believe that's a good thing, but that is crapolala. Each of us, man or woman, is responsible first and foremost to our own well-being. My guess is that your mom put your dad's well-being as a higher priority than her own, or even her kids, right? This is terrible for healthy balance in a family.

Next, from a base of 100% responsibility, take a bold look at who you are being in this relationship. Look at how and why you have been allowing someone to yell at you for six months, how you've convinced yourself that's okay. Something really struck me in your OP: your apologizing for his abuse by insisting that he doesn't really mean it. Let me assure you, sister, if he said it, he meant it. Even if he apologized afterwards, that does not make the intention behind his words disappear. When people say, "oh, I didn't really mean it" that is more big crapolala. Unless that person has Alzheimers, there is something very real and intentive (I think I just made that word up) about every word that comes out of our mouths. We may later regret what we say, but in the moment we speak, we are speaking something into the world. You can't just apologize it way; once spoken, hurtful words must be dealt with dynamically.

So, in looking boldly at who you've been being and what you've been enabling, can you see a new way of being that might work better? I can't tell you what that way of being is; it must be born of your own inspiration. Call on your future unborn children and ask them how they'd like to be cared for, and then care for yourself that way as practice for them. Then see what inspired action arises for you.

You owe it to yourself and your future family to stand up yourself now. You do not deserve abuse, and there is no justification for it that is worth your well-being.

Lots of love,
Angela

(phew! that was quite a novella!)
(zippideedoodah)