Do what you don't want or start a fight?

[Bliss Sage]

Just now I did something I did not want to do and I regret it, more for the fact that I gave in to my dictatorial brother than for the potential unpleasant consequences of what I did. It was a small thing, I had applied for a visa and sent the application by Fedex last week. My brother has been telling me to call the embassy to which I sent it to 1. ask if they had gotten it, which we all know they did, because it was Fedex and 2. to harrass the man there to send me the visa--although this was phrased as "ask him when we'll get it back". I really did not want to harrass the man, because of the situation I have, which I won't go into, suffice it to say, I think the man has been doing and has done me some favors and to call him up immediately after sending the application just seems nasty and pushing my luck. My brother is ruthless, however, and while I managed to get through Friday without harrassing the man at the embassy by lying to my brother and saying that no one answered the phone when I called them (I only let it ring 3 or 4 times), today I just called and now I feel guilty and worried that my good relations with the man at the embassy have been jeopardized because I did what my brother wanted me to do.

The alternative was to tell my brother I don't want to call or that I'm not going to. This would probably have started another fight with him, which could conceivably have ended in my leaving his house in anger to go to the streets and not come back, no matter what I was facing.

Now I wonder if I should have undergone the fight. I am so angry that I did what he wanted me to do again and that I, of course, am the one who has to suffer the consequences. When you feel forced to do something against your will, it feels like a form of rape and that feeling is so enraging that you end up wishing for the death of the rapist and imaging them going to what would be their own personal hell, where they live in a state of perpetually being raped by someone even more dictatorial and intimidating then they are!

It was so stupid for me to have called that man and now I am just pissed off and sickened at myself for having let myself be raped...again.

P.S. Hmmm...my brother doesn't know that I didn't call the embassy yet. Maybe I won't tell him and I will tell him that I don't want to call the embassy...

[Dan.Linehan]

Are you dependent on your borther in some way? Why does he get to tell you what to do?

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

Are you dependent on your borther in some way? Why does he get to tell you what to do?

First, yes, I am staying at his house until this visa comes through and second, he tells everyone what to do. He is the king, "God," he runs everything, it's his personality and his way of being. If he doesn't run everything, arguements ensue and can get bad. I am sure his kids are so well-trained that they could win any dogshow on the planet.

Normally he and his personality wouldn't matter, but since I'm here, it matters until I can get away.

[yossarian]

Tough situation

When these kinds of things happen to me I try to approach it using the "Non-violent Communication" method.

Nonviolent Communication: Effective Interpersonal Relationship Skills and Conflict Resolution Training

It's not "easy" but it works. The idea is to courageously express your objective observation, your feelings, your needs, and then to make a true request. It's not a form of manipulation it's just a way that you can accurately communicate with someone adversarial, hopefully without triggering their defense mechanisms so they don't feel attacked. It gives the other person an opportunity to understand you, whereas before they might have just been acting out of pure habit.

The 4 parts when you're expressing your own needs, are Observation, Feeling, Need, Request.

"When you tell me many times to phone this man(O), I feel depressed and hurt (F) because I need to feel like I'm allowed to have control over how I deal with this issue. (N) Will you please stop asking me to do it your way, and instead allow me to do handle this issue in my way? (R)"

You would of course change that so it's more accurate to your own self.. each step needs to be free from implying that your feelings are his fault. If you imply that the way you feel is his fault, this triggers his defense mechanism and is not really true anyway. Your brother behaves the way he behaves, but you ultimately are in control of your own emotions and body.

I recommend buying the book - just called "Non-Violent Communication." It has really helped me a lot with getting across to people who seemed hopelessly dense and combative before.

The (O)bservation part needs to be specific and objective. You say specifically what behavior you're referring to and you don't editorialize or use judging or subjective language.

The (F)eeling part needs to be a true feeling. Anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration, afraid, anxious, hurt, resentful. These are all real feelings.

Abused, bullied, patronized, pressured, used, threatened, ignored, boxed-in. These are NOT feelings - they are interpretations of the event. Using them will trigger defense mechanisms because there is an implicit judgment of the other party in them. So DON'T use these words.

The (N)eeds part is where you say what aspect of your being is not being fulfilled. Here again we need to be very specific. "I need to feel like I can manage this Visa issue in my own way."

The (R)equest part is where you ask the other party, in a true request, not a demand, if they will fulfill your need. You are making yourself vulnerable to rejection, and this is the courageous step forward into the unknown that we take so that we can break the cycle of combativeness.

Your request must be a specific thing that the person can specifically act upon. Not something vague like, "Will you please back off and let me control my life?" It has to be more specific - "Will you please let me handle this whole Visa issue in my own way?"

Your brother may refuse. So be it. You may feel that he did not understand what you said clearly, and took it the wrong way. This is likely since you're dealing with someone you've known for a long time. He will tend to assume you've responding in a way that you maybe have classically responded in, and not realize you are responding in a new way.

In this case, where he did not understand the precise nature of your statement, you simply continue using the method but this time (R)equest him to listen to your statement again "because I may not have been clear the first time." No blame is being placed on him. "Will you please echo back to me what you thought I just said, so that I can be sure I expressed myself properly?"

If you're able to stay calm and keep making compassionate, non-violent, non-judging, non-blaming requests, eventually your brother may start to understand you.

I highly recommend buying the book. It has helped me a lot.

(O)bservation
(F)eeling
(N)eed
(R)equest

Delivered in a non-judgmental way, a way that doesn't imply your problems are his fault, and delivered in an honest and vulnerable way so that he can feel you are being sincere.

Acting out this method can be extremely terrifying, since you're stepping into the unknown. It is for me, especially with family and people I've known for a long time, because there are so many habits of interaction built up. But if I keep behaving in the old way, I keep getting the old results. I've found that opening myself up this way is always worth it in the end even if I don't get what I wanted. I'm not opening myself up to manipulate or control or to get a specific outcome, I'm just doing it to express myself truly so that the other person can understand me. It's up to the other person if he wants to help me or not. We must learn to accept all reactions whether they are negative or positive, and not let this stop us from genuinely expressing our needs.

Bliss Sage: "When you tell me many times to phone this man, I feel depressed and hurt because I am needing to feel like I'm allowed to have control over how I deal with this issue. Will you please stop asking me to do it your way, and allow me to do handle this issue in my own way?"
Brother: "You're just being stupid, this is how you have to do it if you want get it done, if you don't do this you're never gonna get it. It will take too long. Yada yada"
Bliss Sage: "I don't think I expressed myself clearly... would you please echo back to me what you thought I said so I can see if I said it properly?"
Brother: "You said you don't want to phone him"
Bliss Sage: "I appreciate you helping me clarify myself. That's not what I meant to say. What I meant to say is that when you've told me over and over to phone this man, I feel depressed and hurt because I am needing to feel like I'm allowed to have control over how I deal with this issue. Will you please stop asking me to do it your way, and allow me to handle this issue in my own way whatever it may be?"
Brother: "Fine. If you have to do it your stupid way, then do it. But you're not gonna get it in time and I'm gonna be put out because having you here is a real burden."
Bliss Sage: "Thanks for letting me handle this. It's important to me."

Now you can end the conversation or you can try to empathize with him with his burden issue. The book goes into detail on how you can empathize non-violently as well as how you can make requests. But it sounds like in your specific case the request is the big part. Just remember that listening and empathizing goes a long way in getting him to understand you. Remember that he also has needs and feelings, even if he hides them and represses them behind violent words and actions. Try to find compassion for him, and try to lead by example. If he can see you behave in a compassionate and precise way towards him, maybe he'll realize that he could also behave that way for a more harmonious interaction.

[freshwala]

ur brother really sounds alot like mine, after about 16 years of doing what he says i now fight [no not a fist brawl] but i defend myself, i do things my way, it often ends up in a heated argument but slowly hes getting the message. better this way than him treating me like **** for few more years and eventually me never speaking to him again.

just stand up for urself, dont try n prove ur point and convince him that ur right, coz he thinks hes right, just let him know what it is that u want to do, and that this is what u are going to do regardless of what he wishes.

[Bliss Sage]

Yossarian, as usual, your articulate mind spelled it all out in simple terms. Thanks for the good advice.

Freshwala - this is actually the first time in 6 years I have been to my brother's, and if not for a chance meeting where we were both at my mother's one day, it would have been 6 years since I last saw him - even so, that meeting was a couple years ago, and it was only a day. I have no problem with staying away from him. My father is even far worse and I have no contact with him anymore at all. The problem is that I'm at a bad point in my life and I'm in sort of a helpless position. If I had the presence of mind in the moment, I could always react like Yossarian wrote, which enables standing up for myself. I guess I won't be here much longer though. I have probably benefitted more than anyone from my brother having kids though, because he expends the vast majority of his "control" resources on controlling them and he has lightened up on me exceedingly since he had them. Doesn't make me want to be around him any more though, I have enough problems just being alone.

[Jamie]

Hi Bliss Sage,

I sometimes feel like the world is full of there 'bully' types, who use aggression and intimidation to get you to do their will.

Of course, all people and circumstances in life are difference, and what's appropriate for one person, or situation, may not be so, for another; please consider that as I express my view on this ...

In some ways, I think it's not good to plea-bargain with bullies, or to plead with them to not behave as they do, or to beg for mercy or leniency etc. To do so, is giving them your power, and reinforcing their power and control over you.

I feel quite strongly, power and control over your own life, starts right inside of you. It resides within you. Maybe you should make a stand (this doesn't have to be confrontational, it may well be firm, it can be firm as steel, yet soft at the same time). The thing is to feel inside of you, what is right for you, what are your priniciples, and stay with them.

Today, I was driving on the motor way. Sometimes, a car comes up very fast behind me, I can almost feel the driver trying to push me our of the way. I did not react one way or the other, I did not cave in and move, I did not fight him and resist (both are forms of reacting to him). I just stay calm, focus on me, what's appropriate for me, and act naturally and appropriately.

Of couse, it's not easy, and some situations (like with your brother), can be very trying, but we're here to learn, and to learn how to be better and stronger people.

Good luck, be strong.