Why is she text messaging so much?

[classic356]

Here is the situation:

My girlfriend/soon-to-be-wife works at a dealership - has for nearly one-year. We have a good relationship except that we argue about once a week - yes yes I know some will say "well hows it a good one if you argue so much?" all I can say is that the arguments are never serious serious, but that they just happen. Now, we both have cell phones and have texting packages on them - phones are registered in my name, so I get to see the bill, the minutes used, etc. Well about a month or so back I noticed alot of txt'ing going on between her and someone who i found out to be a guy at her work. Now my definition of alot is around 80 text messages in a months time-frame. So I asked her about it (okay more like argued about it) and she swore he's just a friend, etc, etc. The next month, texts go down but still there, maybe 40% of what was there the month before. I'm still not too happy about this at this point - I have friends at my work who are female, however i don't give them my cell # and don't text message them. So we argue about it some more. Now weeks later the texts between her and him are down to next to nothing - wait let me back up - he left his job there a few weeks back at this point as well - but now I see a bunch of text messages to another # that also is a guy she works with.
Look I don't know if i am just being paranoid or what - it just bothers me...
To answer some questions some might pose:

No she does not "go out" without me more often or practically at all.
She has not changed the way she dresses - including underwear
She does however have a 1-hr lunch (and I have 30 minutes) - we do meet for lunch (well I drive to her and pick her up) - but now she's telling me that the business is getting fussy over the overtime (meaning she used to just take 30 minute lunches like me and work the other 30 minutes of her lunch thereby giving her 2.5 hours o/t each week) so now I wonder about those extra 30 minutes. Sorry, I hope this doesn't sound lame, this is just really bothering me - I've asked (during one of our arguments) if she's cheating on me - and she says no, and of course i want to believe her - but all this damn texting has just gotten to me.

Edit: One night I tried to look at the texts that were on her phone - she wouldn't let me and turned into a bad fight. She said it was a privacy issue - that she needed to have some things to herself - that whole thing didn't sit well with me....

[m18pak]

I have to ask you whether it's normal for you two to argue over small things and how well you two normally communicate, because if she immediately gets angry and defensive when you ask her about this then I would say that most likely something is going on.

When you asked her about the txts what sort of voice did you use? Were you interrogative or merely curious? Why did it escalate into an argument?

Basically, you have to take a serious look at what your relationship is really like. Do you trust each other? Do you really talk? You say that your frequent arguments are never really serious, but that could be bad because it might mean that there's an undercurrent of hostility that's steadily brewing.

I don't know, dude. She could be having an affair, or she could be asking the other man for advice about you and why you do the little things that you do to piss her off.

It's ultimately up to you. You can't control her behaviour, and trying will only push her away. The only thing you can really do is try to learn from this experience.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by classic356

One night I tried to look at the texts that were on her phone - she wouldn't let me

And rightly so! What's on her phone (or in her mailbox or in her diary) is and always will be her business. She may decide to share it with you but you don't have the right to inspect her private things, just because she happens to be your wife!

[Rose of Cairo]

Now let me sum up:

• you watch her telephone behavior
• you count the sms she sends
• you find out who the persons are she communicates with
• you nag at her because of her communicating with them
• you put a lot of pressure on her (to the point that she swears it's just a friend)
• she almost doesn't go out without you
• you even pick her up for lunch every day, although you have only 30 mins to eat
• you worry about 30 mins (!) a day she has out of your control
• you annoy her with your jealousy to the point of asking if she's cheating on you, just because she texts with someone
• you try to read her private stuff!

I'm going to sound very harsh now. I don't mean to offend you. But what I say is: WTF?! Are you a control freak? You do have a serious problem, dude.

She's absolutely right, yes it is a privacy issue and yes, she needs to have her private sphere, she needs to have things you don't know about. You have to respect that. It is none of your business. I think this extra half an hour she takes now (and the intensive texting maybe too) is just because she really needs a wee bit of freedom! I bet she's suffocating.

The more you will try to control her, the more she will pull away from you. That's normal.

Please respect her private life. Stop spying on her. Stop nagging at her. It would also be better if you didn't have lunch together. You'll see her every day anyway, there is really no need to cage her at lunch too. You'd better eat with your colleagues at your workplace and let her eat with her colleagues at her workplace. You both need to socialize a bit more outside of your couple! Begin with a hobby, let her more time alone.

I guess the problem is your fear. What scares you? Are you afraid she might leave you? I'm sorry for you, it must be quite unpleasant for you to live in such fear. But please consider that it is also quite unpleasant to live with a controling partner. I'm not surprised that you argue. You're not creating a space of freedom and love for her and for your relationship.

How about letting go of your fear and just decide to be trusting?

[Michelle]

You are making something very simple, very complicated.

Either you trust her, or you don't. If you don't, you have no basis for a relationship.

Simple as that. Good luck.

[DayInTheLife]

The only behavior of hers that arouses any suspicion is the volume of text messages to a particular person, right? Once a person gets into the habit of chatting via text message, 80 a month is not that much... 2 or 3 a day.

You have to give her the benefit of the doubt and just trust her, and see what happens. The less you trust her, the less she will want to be with you, rest assured.

[Lucas]

Originally Posted by DayInTheLife

The only behavior of hers that arouses any suspicion is the volume of text messages to a particular person, right? Once a person gets into the habit of chatting via text message, 80 a month is not that much... 2 or 3 a day.

You have to give her the benefit of the doubt and just trust her, and see what happens. The less you trust her, the less she will want to be with you, rest assured.

Dont forget a text message is "charged" once for sending one and once for reading one...so man, thats basically like one message and one reply a day.

I think I send one text a day to most the people I know.



Let the girl breathe, if shes gonna leave ya, shes gonna leave ya...smothering her isnt going to keep her any closer to you.

[caesar8181]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

And rightly so! What's on her phone (or in her mailbox or in her diary) is and always will be her business. She may decide to share it with you but you don't have the right to inspect her private things, just because she happens to be your wife!

I duuno... Having a quick look would answer all the questions.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by caesar8181

I duuno... Having a quick look would answer all the questions.

That would give you the answer to the most pertinent question -- "Am I available for a loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship?"

If you are having a quick look at your lover's private communication, rather than communicating with her and trusting her, you are not present to your relationship; you're living in a feared future. So the answer would be no.

[Dan.Linehan]

If there is mutual trust in a relationship why would there be the need for privacy?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

If there is mutual trust in a relationship why would there be the need for privacy?

Because some things are and always will be too private to share.

Because there is no way you can be snooping around in your partner's communication records and at the same time claim that there is mutual trust in your relationship.

[25AndJustBeginning]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Because some things are and always will be too private to share.

Because there is no way you can be snooping around in your partner's communication records and at the same time claim that there is mutual trust in your relationship.

What could possibly be too private to share between two people practicing open communication in a relationship??? Granted, he doesn't have the right to invade her privacy. However, it encourages suspicion when she refuses to show him her texts after he asks. This may simply be her resisting control but she needs to realize that it's not going to produce her desired effect; it's going to result in his increased insecurity. Some sort of compromise and understanding needs to be reached in order to produce mutual trust.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Miss Manners says:

Dear Miss Manners,
When is it acceptable to look at personal information in a person's wallet or a cell phone? I'm not talking about if you find one and wish to return it or if an individual is in need of medical attention.

Can I, just because I want to know what my "gentleman" is up to, call the people in his phone and ask them who they are? Is his wallet fair game as long as I don't use physical force to obtain it?

Gentle Reader,
Perhaps the difficulty would become clearer to you if you actually committed this appalling act. Those you called would undoubtedly respond by asking who on earth you are.

In that case, Miss Manners would think it unwise to reply that the gentleman on whom you are spying is "yours." Once he finds out, he is not likely to be.

As someone who has actually committed this heinous act in the past, let me tell you the results are never good. First, you might find exactly what you are afraid of finding and what then? Second, you have possibly irreparably destroyed your partner's trust in you.

My advice, don't spy.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

If there is mutual trust in a relationship why would there be the need for privacy?

Mutual trust means communicating what's so for each of you in your own time and trusting each other to responsibly communicate what and when you feel is appropriate for generating a loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship. It does not mean: because you and I are in a LLTMBR, I am entitled to know every tiny detail about everything you think, feel, and talk about with everyone. That wouldn't be a real partnership, it wouldn't be 100% responsibility, and it certainly would not be trust.

A private texting relationship might include: planning a surprise party for you, working out some fuzzy thinking so that she can clearly communicate it with you, letting off steam, examining possible conflicts or doubts, or simply hearing herself speak out loud, to hear what it sounds like outside the bones of her head. None of this are you *entitled* to hear. None of this would help you or your relationship to hear.

If you trust her, you trust her communicate with you when she's damned good and ready, and not a microsecond before.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

If there is mutual trust in a relationship why would there be the need for privacy?

It's also about keeping your own identity in a relationship instead of losing it in a relationship.

There is also the involvement of other people's secrets/communication that your mate may be privy to but you shouldn't know about. Trust is about trusting your mate to do the right thing, even if you have no clue what they are doing.

The OP seems to be fearful of his mate cheating. Perhaps instead of asking the question of "Is she cheating?", he should ask something like "How can I be the best boyfriend/fiancée to this wonderful woman?". You have a lot more control over your own action, then over your mate's action.

[Angela]

Well said, Seeker5. And an approach that might work better than trying to control the woman or insist on your need to know everything before you trust her: let her know what's so for you. Let her know you're feeling insecure, that you want to make it the best relationship possible, that you have let your insecurity get the better of you, that you can see how you have damaged the integrity of the relationship by insisting on controlling her. Then ask her what she thinks and feels, and really listen to what she has to say.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

If there is mutual trust in a relationship why would there be the need for privacy?

One reason is that when I communicate with someone, it's not only my thoughts and feelings that I share but also those of the other person. If I show that to my bf, I divulge this other person's thoughts and feelings. IMO this is not ok. If I don't know if and to what extent my communication partner is comfortable with sharing his/her stuff, I'd better not let anyone see it. When I talk with some friend of mine about her vaginal infection, I bet she wouldn't be exactly delighted to know that my bf reads about it.

That's a very practical reason. The most important reason for me however is a matter of principle. What I talk with other people about is none of my bf's business. Just because I have a relationship with him does not mean that I have to share everything with him. How much and what and when I share is strictly my decision. In my eyes, him reading my stuff, behind my back or openly, without being explicitely invited to, is a clear trespassing of the boundaries of my private sphere and I do not tolerate it. It's the same the other way around of course, I would never, ever read his stuff, or demand to know what he's been doing or who he's been talking to. That's none of my business.

I have nothing that's too private to be shared, and I'm happy to share, but because I want to, not because I have to. And some things are just mine. Not that they are "bad" or a big secret, but it's just my stuff.

I think when there is real mutual trust, you can easily let your partner have his private sphere without being scared.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by 25AndJustBeginning

What could possibly be too private to share between two people practicing open communication in a relationship?

Plenty of things, actually, ranging from surprises I want to throw for my partner to feelings or issues that I have yet to form an opinion on to stuff that my own mother doesn't even know about me.

I'm quite open in that there are only a few things in me that are hidden. But those are off limits for a reason and if you have but the slightest respect for me, you will not trespass.

Respect those boundaries and I assure you that you will hear anything that you need to hear. No less, no more.

Granted, he doesn't have the right to invade her privacy. However, it encourages suspicion when she refuses to show him her texts after he asks.

If my partner would become suspicious after I refuse to share the text messages I'm sending with her, I would consider that her problem, not mine. In fact, if she were to ask me to share the contents of my text messages with her, I would start to seriously question whether or not we should still be in a relationship.

Clearly she doesn't trust me.

This may simply be her resisting control but she needs to realize that it's not going to produce her desired effect; it's going to result in his increased insecurity. Some sort of compromise and understanding needs to be reached in order to produce mutual trust.

No compromise is needed, only a respect for the mutual need for privacy. No one ever gives full disclosure, not even you, so it is folly to expect that from your partner.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Clearly she doesn't trust me.

Yes. I tried to tell myself he wasn't trustworthy, but really I didn't trust him. I think it's an important distinction. Whether he is trustworthy or not is his responsibility and his business. Whether I trust him and respect his privacy is mine. I wonder if that makes sense to anyone but me?

There is still a part of me that really believes there should be no secrets and that if there are there is something to hide. There's the feeling that if you have nothing to hide, why can't I look at your texts? But I can no longer pretend snooping is justified either.

It's tough sometimes having integrity! Those beliefs don't go quietly.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Yes. I tried to tell myself he wasn't trustworthy, but really I didn't trust him. I think it's an important distinction. Whether he is trustworthy or not is his responsibility and his business. Whether I trust him and respect his privacy is mine. I wonder if that makes sense to anyone but me?

That makes perfect sense! And I agree completely.

There is still a part of me that really believes there should be no secrets and that if there are there is something to hide.

That's not the problem. It's thinking that when there is something to hide, whatever is hidden somehow must mean bad news for you if you don't know about it. Of course, that's all before you end up feeling mighty stooooooopid when all your nosing accomplishes is you finding out prematurely about the surprise party that is in store for you...

There's the feeling that if you have nothing to hide, why can't I look at your texts?

It's the principle of privacy: I get to decide when I disclose what to whom.

The really bent thing about people who have a tendency to snoop is that they would all, and this is without exception, be very offended if someone snooped around in their stuff.

It's tough sometimes having integrity! Those beliefs don't go quietly.

Use a mirror. Any time you feel like snooping, ask yourself: how would I feel if someone snooped around in my things? The mere consideration of how violated I would feel is enough for me to deter any such thought...

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

So true, Jim, so true.

I didn't like him asking who I was talking to when I was on the phone or reading over my shoulder when I was emailing. But that's because I knew I was trustworthy .

[Angela]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Use a mirror. Any time you feel like snooping, ask yourself: how would I feel if someone snooped around in my things? The mere consideration of how violated I would feel is enough for me to deter any such thought...

Yeah, that really takes something when you're in the thick of Old Pain Panic, though. That desparation panic makes you think there's a real threat, as real as if a bear were chasing you. It's an awful feeling, and it takes real courage to let go of that old pain and to act with integrity.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

It's an awful feeling, and it takes real courage to let go of that old pain and to act with integrity.

More like an act of God/Flying Spaghetti Monster/Ceiling Cat! There is nothing rational about the behavior exhibited in the grip of old pain.

Even then I knew all of the things I am saying now, but I was panicked and desperate. Hey, it's not pretty, but it's the truth.

[Lola]

I was a snoop victim. Had nothing to hide. Would've shown him, told him, anything he asked about. But his preferred method was to rifle through my journal. I found out when he let something slip he had no way of knowing, so I quit writing it by hand and started keeping it on the computer - with a pw. Yeah. That got me in big trouble. So I quit writing. For years. He read emails I sent and received (on my acct which was not allowed to be pw protected with a pw he did not have access to), he would track the browser history to see what web-sites I visited, would pull random papers out of the trash, "accidentally" pick up the other phone extension while I was on it, interrogate me....

And then use any *information* he thought he dug up to label me disloyal and create a big confrontation or to ridicule me for my stupidity.

Not all the time. Not even very frequently. But enough to make me mistrust him. And fear him. And to be very, very careful and very, very secretive.

And that is why to this day I do not ever and probably will not ever use my real name online.

Because I don't think I'll ever quit being afraid.

[Terumoto]

Might I just add... Personally, if I was cheating on my wife, I wouldn't leave evidence sitting in my phone or on my computer, I would delete all traces of it and cover up my tracks as much as possible so that if and when my spouse went snooping around she wouldn't find anything out of the ordinary.

Of course I wouldn't want to cheat on the woman I loved enough to propose to, but I'm just saying... If you start looking through her phone, she might start getting rid of the incriminating things you would be looking for.

[PennyD]

Lola, your story is really scary... gosh I am glad you are out of that one...

Terumoto I agree with you too the texting is not really clever adultery behaviour... wouldn't it be just easier to walk by his desk and give him a wink and whisper meet you in the cupboard in five!... and what she was seeing one guy as work and he left so she started seeing another guy at work... wouldn't you just stick with the first guy...?

I would stop looking at the bills.. maybe ask her to look after her own phone bills in the future.. then you won't have any troubles and can build on trusting her with only her word... which is scary but definitely where you should be, heading into marriage...

To me the texting behaviour does not make me think 'affair' but rather makes me think she is just needing a little freedom and other communication besides you during her day to feel freer. You are going to have to let her have this freedom or else you will push her further away...

I agree too that maybe meeting for lunch everyday is a little full on.. occasionally it is very nice but everyday does sound very enmeshed behaviour to me..
Some of the things I do in my lunch hour… banking, post mail, go get lunch, eat lunch, go shopping for clothes, presents I need to buy, cards I need to write, sit in park in the sun, go from café to café being indecisive about which one I want to sit in, phone and make appointments, text friends, organise things, go sit by the waterfront, walk to my favourite sushi bar and back, surf the web, google silly things, check e-mail, read the paper, ask other people in the staff room about their lunch, read a magazine, make lunch in staff room, hijack other people into having long conversations with me when they are trying to work, go to the bathroom, shoe shopping, oh Kalkaldi and Stains yearly sale, go to Borders and read their books, go looking for chocolate, have lunch with a friend,… and lots lots more..

But I have never had sex with a work college in my hour lunch break as of yet and to be honest I don’t think many people who have affairs have this sort of only between 12.30 and 1pm on weekdays only kind of deal…. It doesn’t seem very romantic to me.. ; )

hope it goes well for you what ever happens..

[mej023]

If you focus on your fear of losing her then that is what you are actively creating.

You know that she loves you. You can trust her implicitly.

Besides, you are a pretty loving guy and can probably have a thousand relationships if you wanted to.

Admit to her that your fear has been getting the best of you and you realize it now and ask her apology for being so controlling.

But...if deep down you want to split up then just keep carrying on the same way you are now.

The universe will arrange things so that you get what you want.

[25AndJustBeginning]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Plenty of things, actually, ranging from surprises I want to throw for my partner to feelings or issues that I have yet to form an opinion on to stuff that my own mother doesn't even know about me.

I'm quite open in that there are only a few things in me that are hidden. But those are off limits for a reason and if you have but the slightest respect for me, you will not trespass.

Respect those boundaries and I assure you that you will hear anything that you need to hear. No less, no more.



If my partner would become suspicious after I refuse to share the text messages I'm sending with her, I would consider that her problem, not mine. In fact, if she were to ask me to share the contents of my text messages with her, I would start to seriously question whether or not we should still be in a relationship.

Clearly she doesn't trust me.



No compromise is needed, only a respect for the mutual need for privacy. No one ever gives full disclosure, not even you, so it is folly to expect that from your partner.

Yer exactly right about the things that shouldn't be shared, of course. However, the things I'm referring to are along the lines of what I think yer aluding to: things that need to be known so I agree w/ you there. For instance, my girlfriend (possibly ex) flew back home a few weeks ago and spent some time w/ a guy that I don't know whom she recently met. She admitted to me that she didn't tell me about him in order to save herself some aggravation. That is something I can't understand hiding. It just doesn't contribute to the relationship in a positive way.
I disagree w/ you, however, about the texts. I do understand yer point. I understand that it is her problem if she is suspicious. Maybe she has a moment of weakness and just needs to be reassured. Why wouldn't you do what you could to make her feel better rather than refusing to show her??? If it turns into a habitual thing where she constantly wants to see yer texts then it's a problem. (I thought about this for a little while before I replied to hopefully be a little more rational but I'm going through a breakup right now w/ very similar issues so I might be a little biased here. All feedback is certainly welcome.)
As far as full disclosure goes, I don't think yer in any position to decide how much I do or don't share. I am a very honest and open person to the point where it's not always beneficial for me. Perhaps, tho, I do expect a little too much divulgence from her. I'm still learning...

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by 25AndJustBeginning

Why wouldn't you do what you could to make her feel better rather than refusing to show her?

Because it quite simply is none of her business. She should trust me to disclose to her anything she needs or deserves to know - no less, no more.

You cannot claim to respect and love me while at the same time having no regard for my boundaries.


I'm sorry to hear about your break-up situation. I hope you'll find a way to work things out or otherwise can leave each other in peace.