Why is she text messaging so much?

[classic356]

Here is the situation:

My girlfriend/soon-to-be-wife works at a dealership - has for nearly one-year. We have a good relationship except that we argue about once a week - yes yes I know some will say "well hows it a good one if you argue so much?" all I can say is that the arguments are never serious serious, but that they just happen. Now, we both have cell phones and have texting packages on them - phones are registered in my name, so I get to see the bill, the minutes used, etc. Well about a month or so back I noticed alot of txt'ing going on between her and someone who i found out to be a guy at her work. Now my definition of alot is around 80 text messages in a months time-frame. So I asked her about it (okay more like argued about it) and she swore he's just a friend, etc, etc. The next month, texts go down but still there, maybe 40% of what was there the month before. I'm still not too happy about this at this point - I have friends at my work who are female, however i don't give them my cell # and don't text message them. So we argue about it some more. Now weeks later the texts between her and him are down to next to nothing - wait let me back up - he left his job there a few weeks back at this point as well - but now I see a bunch of text messages to another # that also is a guy she works with.
Look I don't know if i am just being paranoid or what - it just bothers me...
To answer some questions some might pose:

No she does not "go out" without me more often or practically at all.
She has not changed the way she dresses - including underwear
She does however have a 1-hr lunch (and I have 30 minutes) - we do meet for lunch (well I drive to her and pick her up) - but now she's telling me that the business is getting fussy over the overtime (meaning she used to just take 30 minute lunches like me and work the other 30 minutes of her lunch thereby giving her 2.5 hours o/t each week) so now I wonder about those extra 30 minutes. Sorry, I hope this doesn't sound lame, this is just really bothering me - I've asked (during one of our arguments) if she's cheating on me - and she says no, and of course i want to believe her - but all this damn texting has just gotten to me.

Edit: One night I tried to look at the texts that were on her phone - she wouldn't let me and turned into a bad fight. She said it was a privacy issue - that she needed to have some things to herself - that whole thing didn't sit well with me....

[m18pak]

I have to ask you whether it's normal for you two to argue over small things and how well you two normally communicate, because if she immediately gets angry and defensive when you ask her about this then I would say that most likely something is going on.

When you asked her about the txts what sort of voice did you use? Were you interrogative or merely curious? Why did it escalate into an argument?

Basically, you have to take a serious look at what your relationship is really like. Do you trust each other? Do you really talk? You say that your frequent arguments are never really serious, but that could be bad because it might mean that there's an undercurrent of hostility that's steadily brewing.

I don't know, dude. She could be having an affair, or she could be asking the other man for advice about you and why you do the little things that you do to piss her off.

It's ultimately up to you. You can't control her behaviour, and trying will only push her away. The only thing you can really do is try to learn from this experience.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by classic356

One night I tried to look at the texts that were on her phone - she wouldn't let me

And rightly so! What's on her phone (or in her mailbox or in her diary) is and always will be her business. She may decide to share it with you but you don't have the right to inspect her private things, just because she happens to be your wife!

[Rose of Cairo]

Now let me sum up:

• you watch her telephone behavior
• you count the sms she sends
• you find out who the persons are she communicates with
• you nag at her because of her communicating with them
• you put a lot of pressure on her (to the point that she swears it's just a friend)
• she almost doesn't go out without you
• you even pick her up for lunch every day, although you have only 30 mins to eat
• you worry about 30 mins (!) a day she has out of your control
• you annoy her with your jealousy to the point of asking if she's cheating on you, just because she texts with someone
• you try to read her private stuff!

I'm going to sound very harsh now. I don't mean to offend you. But what I say is: WTF?! Are you a control freak? You do have a serious problem, dude.

She's absolutely right, yes it is a privacy issue and yes, she needs to have her private sphere, she needs to have things you don't know about. You have to respect that. It is none of your business. I think this extra half an hour she takes now (and the intensive texting maybe too) is just because she really needs a wee bit of freedom! I bet she's suffocating.

The more you will try to control her, the more she will pull away from you. That's normal.

Please respect her private life. Stop spying on her. Stop nagging at her. It would also be better if you didn't have lunch together. You'll see her every day anyway, there is really no need to cage her at lunch too. You'd better eat with your colleagues at your workplace and let her eat with her colleagues at her workplace. You both need to socialize a bit more outside of your couple! Begin with a hobby, let her more time alone.

I guess the problem is your fear. What scares you? Are you afraid she might leave you? I'm sorry for you, it must be quite unpleasant for you to live in such fear. But please consider that it is also quite unpleasant to live with a controling partner. I'm not surprised that you argue. You're not creating a space of freedom and love for her and for your relationship.

How about letting go of your fear and just decide to be trusting?

[Michelle]

You are making something very simple, very complicated.

Either you trust her, or you don't. If you don't, you have no basis for a relationship.

Simple as that. Good luck.

[DayInTheLife]

The only behavior of hers that arouses any suspicion is the volume of text messages to a particular person, right? Once a person gets into the habit of chatting via text message, 80 a month is not that much... 2 or 3 a day.

You have to give her the benefit of the doubt and just trust her, and see what happens. The less you trust her, the less she will want to be with you, rest assured.

[Lucas]

Originally Posted by DayInTheLife

The only behavior of hers that arouses any suspicion is the volume of text messages to a particular person, right? Once a person gets into the habit of chatting via text message, 80 a month is not that much... 2 or 3 a day.

You have to give her the benefit of the doubt and just trust her, and see what happens. The less you trust her, the less she will want to be with you, rest assured.

Dont forget a text message is "charged" once for sending one and once for reading one...so man, thats basically like one message and one reply a day.

I think I send one text a day to most the people I know.



Let the girl breathe, if shes gonna leave ya, shes gonna leave ya...smothering her isnt going to keep her any closer to you.

[caesar8181]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

And rightly so! What's on her phone (or in her mailbox or in her diary) is and always will be her business. She may decide to share it with you but you don't have the right to inspect her private things, just because she happens to be your wife!

I duuno... Having a quick look would answer all the questions.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by caesar8181

I duuno... Having a quick look would answer all the questions.

That would give you the answer to the most pertinent question -- "Am I available for a loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship?"

If you are having a quick look at your lover's private communication, rather than communicating with her and trusting her, you are not present to your relationship; you're living in a feared future. So the answer would be no.

[Dan.Linehan]

If there is mutual trust in a relationship why would there be the need for privacy?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

If there is mutual trust in a relationship why would there be the need for privacy?

Because some things are and always will be too private to share.

Because there is no way you can be snooping around in your partner's communication records and at the same time claim that there is mutual trust in your relationship.

[25AndJustBeginning]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Because some things are and always will be too private to share.

Because there is no way you can be snooping around in your partner's communication records and at the same time claim that there is mutual trust in your relationship.

What could possibly be too private to share between two people practicing open communication in a relationship??? Granted, he doesn't have the right to invade her privacy. However, it encourages suspicion when she refuses to show him her texts after he asks. This may simply be her resisting control but she needs to realize that it's not going to produce her desired effect; it's going to result in his increased insecurity. Some sort of compromise and understanding needs to be reached in order to produce mutual trust.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Miss Manners says:

Dear Miss Manners,
When is it acceptable to look at personal information in a person's wallet or a cell phone? I'm not talking about if you find one and wish to return it or if an individual is in need of medical attention.

Can I, just because I want to know what my "gentleman" is up to, call the people in his phone and ask them who they are? Is his wallet fair game as long as I don't use physical force to obtain it?

Gentle Reader,
Perhaps the difficulty would become clearer to you if you actually committed this appalling act. Those you called would undoubtedly respond by asking who on earth you are.

In that case, Miss Manners would think it unwise to reply that the gentleman on whom you are spying is "yours." Once he finds out, he is not likely to be.

As someone who has actually committed this heinous act in the past, let me tell you the results are never good. First, you might find exactly what you are afraid of finding and what then? Second, you have possibly irreparably destroyed your partner's trust in you.

My advice, don't spy.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

If there is mutual trust in a relationship why would there be the need for privacy?

Mutual trust means communicating what's so for each of you in your own time and trusting each other to responsibly communicate what and when you feel is appropriate for generating a loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship. It does not mean: because you and I are in a LLTMBR, I am entitled to know every tiny detail about everything you think, feel, and talk about with everyone. That wouldn't be a real partnership, it wouldn't be 100% responsibility, and it certainly would not be trust.

A private texting relationship might include: planning a surprise party for you, working out some fuzzy thinking so that she can clearly communicate it with you, letting off steam, examining possible conflicts or doubts, or simply hearing herself speak out loud, to hear what it sounds like outside the bones of her head. None of this are you *entitled* to hear. None of this would help you or your relationship to hear.

If you trust her, you trust her communicate with you when she's damned good and ready, and not a microsecond before.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

If there is mutual trust in a relationship why would there be the need for privacy?

It's also about keeping your own identity in a relationship instead of losing it in a relationship.

There is also the involvement of other people's secrets/communication that your mate may be privy to but you shouldn't know about. Trust is about trusting your mate to do the right thing, even if you have no clue what they are doing.

The OP seems to be fearful of his mate cheating. Perhaps instead of asking the question of "Is she cheating?", he should ask something like "How can I be the best boyfriend/fiancée to this wonderful woman?". You have a lot more control over your own action, then over your mate's action.

[Angela]

Well said, Seeker5. And an approach that might work better than trying to control the woman or insist on your need to know everything before you trust her: let her know what's so for you. Let her know you're feeling insecure, that you want to make it the best relationship possible, that you have let your insecurity get the better of you, that you can see how you have damaged the integrity of the relationship by insisting on controlling her. Then ask her what she thinks and feels, and really listen to what she has to say.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

If there is mutual trust in a relationship why would there be the need for privacy?

One reason is that when I communicate with someone, it's not only my thoughts and feelings that I share but also those of the other person. If I show that to my bf, I divulge this other person's thoughts and feelings. IMO this is not ok. If I don't know if and to what extent my communication partner is comfortable with sharing his/her stuff, I'd better not let anyone see it. When I talk with some friend of mine about her vaginal infection, I bet she wouldn't be exactly delighted to know that my bf reads about it.

That's a very practical reason. The most important reason for me however is a matter of principle. What I talk with other people about is none of my bf's business. Just because I have a relationship with him does not mean that I have to share everything with him. How much and what and when I share is strictly my decision. In my eyes, him reading my stuff, behind my back or openly, without being explicitely invited to, is a clear trespassing of the boundaries of my private sphere and I do not tolerate it. It's the same the other way around of course, I would never, ever read his stuff, or demand to know what he's been doing or who he's been talking to. That's none of my business.

I have nothing that's too private to be shared, and I'm happy to share, but because I want to, not because I have to. And some things are just mine. Not that they are "bad" or a big secret, but it's just my stuff.

I think when there is real mutual trust, you can easily let your partner have his private sphere without being scared.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by 25AndJustBeginning

What could possibly be too private to share between two people practicing open communication in a relationship?

Plenty of things, actually, ranging from surprises I want to throw for my partner to feelings or issues that I have yet to form an opinion on to stuff that my own mother doesn't even know about me.

I'm quite open in that there are only a few things in me that are hidden. But those are off limits for a reason and if you have but the slightest respect for me, you will not trespass.

Respect those boundaries and I assure you that you will hear anything that you need to hear. No less, no more.

Granted, he doesn't have the right to invade her privacy. However, it encourages suspicion when she refuses to show him her texts after he asks.

If my partner would become suspicious after I refuse to share the text messages I'm sending with her, I would consider that her problem, not mine. In fact, if she were to ask me to share the contents of my text messages with her, I would start to seriously question whether or not we should still be in a relationship.

Clearly she doesn't trust me.

This may simply be her resisting control but she needs to realize that it's not going to produce her desired effect; it's going to result in his increased insecurity. Some sort of compromise and understanding needs to be reached in order to produce mutual trust.

No compromise is needed, only a respect for the mutual need for privacy. No one ever gives full disclosure, not even you, so it is folly to expect that from your partner.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Clearly she doesn't trust me.

Yes. I tried to tell myself he wasn't trustworthy, but really I didn't trust him. I think it's an important distinction. Whether he is trustworthy or not is his responsibility and his business. Whether I trust him and respect his privacy is mine. I wonder if that makes sense to anyone but me?

There is still a part of me that really believes there should be no secrets and that if there are there is something to hide. There's the feeling that if you have nothing to hide, why can't I look at your texts? But I can no longer pretend snooping is justified either.

It's tough sometimes having integrity! Those beliefs don't go quietly.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Yes. I tried to tell myself he wasn't trustworthy, but really I didn't trust him. I think it's an important distinction. Whether he is trustworthy or not is his responsibility and his business. Whether I trust him and respect his privacy is mine. I wonder if that makes sense to anyone but me?

That makes perfect sense! And I agree completely.

There is still a part of me that really believes there should be no secrets and that if there are there is something to hide.

That's not the problem. It's thinking that when there is something to hide, whatever is hidden somehow must mean bad news for you if you don't know about it. Of course, that's all before you end up feeling mighty stooooooopid when all your nosing accomplishes is you finding out prematurely about the surprise party that is in store for you...

There's the feeling that if you have nothing to hide, why can't I look at your texts?

It's the principle of privacy: I get to decide when I disclose what to whom.

The really bent thing about people who have a tendency to snoop is that they would all, and this is without exception, be very offended if someone snooped around in their stuff.

It's tough sometimes having integrity! Those beliefs don't go quietly.

Use a mirror. Any time you feel like snooping, ask yourself: how would I feel if someone snooped around in my things? The mere consideration of how violated I would feel is enough for me to deter any such thought...

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

So true, Jim, so true.

I didn't like him asking who I was talking to when I was on the phone or reading over my shoulder when I was emailing. But that's because I knew I was trustworthy .