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01-25-2008, 08:57 PM
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 Ah, Bah, Grumpf! I'm having such a bad mood! I'm sitting between two chairs and I hate it! I decided to leave my bf, to move out, to leave Germany, and to start a new career as a (ghost)writer. That was months ago and I'm still sitting here! I hate that. When I decided to move to Germany, I just packed one bag and jumped into a train the very next day. When I decide about something, I want to take immediate action and make it happen. But this time it's all quite complicated. I had a kind of "heavy" life here, thus many things to arrange. I've been organizing the moving and found a guy to drive me, the cat and my stuff to France. But the exact date depends on him and he still doesn't know when that will be. So I'm kinda waiting. I hate waiting. Till then, I'm having lots of appointments and things to manage, dealing with administration, bank, insurances, such stuff... cancelling contracts, letting the dentist definitely fix all of my teeth, trying to figure out what to do with my stuff. I've got loads and loads of stuff and don't know what to do with it. So I'm sorting and sorting and throwing away and donating... But I'm not motivated at all. I can't just pack everything into boxes, since I still need the things and I don't know when the moving is. I've never been good at organizing or practical things, and I don't like them, I feel so helpless, and additionally it's so terribly boring. So I spend a lot of time procrastinating, spamming this forum, hanging around bored... and at the same time, I feel totally overwhelmed and stressed out, the apt is dirty, and my inbox is growing and growing. I have not enough inner peace to sit down and answer the emails. Same thing with my blog, I've got about 20 articles as work in progress and many ideas about interesting things I'd like to write about, but I lack the inner peace, in the midst of all these packing cases, that would be necessary to just sit down and write. Starting with my ghostwriting also doesn't make any sense now, since I would have no time to write, and after the moving not even a computer. There's nothing interesting to do! I don't feel like seeing the people I know here. Like, where's the point, I'm leaving anyway. And living together with my ex doesn't make things easier, it's quite unpleasant and prolongs the hurting. It's just that I'm half gone already and I would like to be completely gone. Then I can start building something new somewhere else. I feel stuck here. I also crave adopting a few dogs more and more. The last years I've been living in the city with no pets and I suffered a lot because of that. I was raised on a farm and my friends were all animals. Now there is my purring princess, but I would so much love to adopt dogs (and horses, and a goat). This desire has been growing and growing over the last years, I almost can't stand it anymore. Ok, I'm sorry for the ranting... I just say: PMS.  Thanks for listening....
__________________ Magical Chest - I'm Generating Hardcore Harmony      |
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01-25-2008, 09:14 PM
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01-25-2008, 09:25 PM
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| I can see why you are feeling down, Rose. Transitions are tough! All the waiting around and uncertainty get to you. I am dealing with a few of the same things when it comes to packing house and not knowing exactly when I will be able to move. Gosh, I wish you were already settled in your new home because I would have some lovely dogs for you to adopt! As to some practical help, well, I am not sure. I tend to be pretty organized in general, but right now I have had the same feeling of apathy toward doing anything. Aside from the urgent, even at work I have felt quite unmotivated to do much of anything as you can see from my prolific posting here lately. However, each day I pick one or two small things to get accomplished. I don't usually have much motivation, but I do at least the things I've decided on. Sometimes afterward, I feel like doing a little more, so I do. Sometimes, I just get them done and then veg out. I don't know if that's a really healthy way of handling things, but it works for me! Yesterday, I did about half of the dishes that were piled in the sink. A couple of days ago, I put all of my ex's stuff in one room so it will all be together when he comes to get it. It helps not to have to look at it all the time. Of course I've had to deal with apartment application and sending out emails with dog pictures. It is a pain to be stuck in a state of limbo, but maybe a great thing to do (which I have been trying as well) would be to visualize your new life and all the exciting things you will do. As you do this, it helps to bring you into a better emotional state and then it's easier to accomplish stuff. I am sure we are all aware of how thinking about all the horrid stuff just makes it all harder -- I know I am! I started thinking about how I will arrange everything in my new apartment because I love that time when you first move in and decide where everything goes. Well, don't know if I've been able to help, but I love you and I send you warm hugs and peace to deal with everything. It will all work out I am sure! |
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01-25-2008, 09:28 PM
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 Seriously, nothing. I'm just realizing how much I need a fixed point in my life. I've always been quite adventurous, moving every year, attached to nowhere, and when I imagine my ideal life, I can't make up my mind if I want a house in the countryside with pets and kids and a garden, or if I want to travel around the world discovering new things. But now I realize how badly I need to be at home somewhere, to have some stable basis in my life. I have no inner peace when sitting between the chairs like now. I'm quite impressed by that insight!
__________________ Magical Chest - I'm Generating Hardcore Harmony |
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01-25-2008, 09:30 PM
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| You can have both, Rose! At least I hope so, because I always planned to have some land and a house, but then go off on adventures all the time with just a suitcase or a backpack. I love to explore, but I also like to have some place to come home to. The two are not mutually exclusive I don't think. ETA: I will have someone to watch over my pets when I go and just cart the kids along with me. I figure it's one of the best educations you can get. |
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01-25-2008, 10:49 PM
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| Rose, I think you need to move out as quickly as possible. You need the change. You need to be free from the negativity of your current situation. Is there a friend in Germany you can stay at for a while? Otherwise you should consider taking yourself and your cat to France by train. You can always come back for your stuff later. Being in the wrong place can be very draining. And when you're low on energy, it takes much longer to finish things. Sometimes it's better to run away from a bad place, replenish your energy first and then come back to sort out what's left of your mess.
__________________ Jim Offerman ~ music that moves you blog - twitter - free music - join the fan club! |
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01-26-2008, 12:05 AM
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01-26-2008, 12:44 AM
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| Like you, I've always been a rolling stone attached to a backpack. Then I dug my roots, deep, cause I didn't want to be a roll-about. Recently, I wondered if it is time to wipe the cobwebs off the pack and hit the road again. But, there was resistance. I wonder if you have resistance, too? Perhaps, you need to make a decision whether you want to live in the country with the kids and animals or take off on a wonderful adventure abroad, meet Carey Grant or chill on a beach, climb a mountain, meditate with the monks, etc.? Only you know, Rose. |
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01-26-2008, 02:24 AM
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Sorry if I sound a bit weird in that post guys and girls! I spontaneously decided to go to the cinema, just in order to move my @ss for a change. There I ate a lot of sugar during the movie, and now I feel totally high and I'm having fits of laughter all the time. I just laughed myself to death over the word "bozo" that I just discovered. Isn't that a hilarious word? I often meet words that are really strange, or frightening, or funny. Like port. Don't you think that "port" sounds like a square? ok, seriously now, Aspiring, why the dogS? I thought there was only one left, Rocco? Going away now is impossible. I've got some appointments till the end of the month, and this guy maybe will come in the first week of february. I absolutely need to finish my sorting and packing. But yes, I'm really low on energy. Apathy is the right word. I need an hour to do the dishes. I overeat. When I see the dirty bathroom, or the emails that I would like to answer with my heart, I'm just too tired to bother. I'm toast. I don't know, maybe it's because a lot of things happened recently and I'm not done with processing them. And since I came back to cooked food I lost half of my energy too. Or it's just my current situation. Dunno. Visualizing my new life is difficult because I have no idea how it will be. I don't know what I want. I have some plans to cross South America and Russia, or to go to India and to Tibet and live like a hermit and climb mountains, I love climbing mountains. I would like to live in an english speaking country, in order to learn correct english. It's time for me to learn a new language, I can feel that. But maybe I'll also stay in France, I was so happy to be there in december. And I have my cat to care for, she's a sensitive being and needs a home, so I can't just take a backpack and leave. My temporary plan is: leave my stuff at my mom's place, earn some money to buy a computer (in order to write), get my driver's license, travel around a bit, look for a nice place to settle down, and manage to earn enough for an apt. What I know is: I want to have a steady place I call my home. Yes, I guess I have some resistance. I really want to go away from here, but I don't want to move anymore. I'm so fed up with moving. When I leave, it'll last a few months at least before I find a new home. I guess that's what I'm afraid of. I would like all that to be behind me already and I just living in peace with my cat, a few dogs, and my writing. Yeah, when my grandmother heard about this dream, she said I'm more of a retiree than her
__________________ Magical Chest - I'm Generating Hardcore Harmony |
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01-26-2008, 02:28 AM
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 .I can really empathize with your apathy. I am sending lots of good energy and clarity your way. |
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01-26-2008, 02:40 AM
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| Aspiring, you'll find someone for the doggies, I'm sure about that. Too bad that I can't take them, what a bad timing. Thanks for your support sweet lady  I send you all the love I'm able to send at this moment. Congratulations for the apt, and good luck for tomorrow! If you feel bad, remember that we're all there thinking of you. All others thank you too for your support. I'm so glad you're here.
__________________ Magical Chest - I'm Generating Hardcore Harmony |
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01-26-2008, 02:43 AM
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| Oh, Rose, don't you hate that *stuck* feeling?  I get it too, sometimes. Especially when I *intuitively* or otherwise know what's coming up - I want it to just come already and don't make me wait anymore. (I'm SO impatient!) And I don't want to do all the piddly jobs that have to be done. I don't know for sure, but I'm coming to believe that sometimes what we perceive as delay is just time to give all the other things that need to happen for OUR plans to work out, time to happen. Try to make yourself do the crappy moving jobs. At least you'll be busy. And ready to go when the time does come. Lots of love - Lola
__________________ ~Lola~ "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." - e e cummings |
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01-26-2008, 03:08 AM
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| Rose, I am in a similar boat. I broke up with bf, am living out of a suitcase, am broke as all hell, am writing, am starting an online business. It's pretty overwhelming, because there is a huge delay in seeing the results of your sacrifice. For me, I found that accountability to others is a huge motivator. I am writing my first screenplay. The completed rough draft is due on Jan. 29. The only reason it's getting done? Because my writing class is expecting it to be done, so they can read it aloud in class. If I didn't have those people, I would be totally slacking off. For my online business (selling my erotic writings), I totally slacked off until I hired a web designer. Putting down $350, and having a person constantly email you about design changes...there is no space to slack off! I also find that it's important to be surrounded by energetic, creative people. My writing class definitely provides that. Also, I work part-time for an entrepreneur. Not only do I get some much needed cash, but also her energy is infectious. I'm also looking for a full-time job. Why, if I want to be a writer? Because, being super busy keeps me from getting depressed. It's a paradox: if I only stay inside and write, I get really down. Also, having a schedule and a steady income takes some of the pressure off. Point is, it helps to not put all your eggs in one basket. It helps to be busy. I mean, I still procrastinate like crazy, but I have very clear deadlines, so the procrastination feels different. |
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01-26-2008, 12:28 PM
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It is difficult to make a strong choice because it is like saying "no" to the alternative choice. I mean, if you chose to settle, then it is like saying "no" to travelling around the world and having adventures with no attachment to a home. If you continue travelling, it is like saying "no" (or at least delaying) to building something more stable. Sitting between the chairs is like the "snake eyes" situation. Snake eyes is when you put two mouse near each eye of a snake. It is said that in this situation, the snake will not attack any of the mice because he is afraid to let go of the second one. The result is that is loses both mice. So I guess making a strong choice is the best thing to do...That said it's not that easy. Good luck for that |
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01-26-2008, 01:53 PM
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__________________ Magical Chest - I'm Generating Hardcore Harmony |
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01-26-2008, 03:20 PM
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| Part me wants to rush to Germany and give you a big hug for being so fun and spontaneous. But, there is another part of me that is so identified with my hair and that part of me is worried you are doing a Brittany and hope you are OK? I really hope the fun and spontaneous side of me is right and that you are loving your new hairstyle. Hugs |
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01-26-2008, 08:08 PM
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| What does "do a Brittany" mean?? Don't worry dancer, I'm very happy with my new hairstyle! It's not pretty, that's for sure, but it's really funny. Both my best friend and my ex couldn't stop laughing when they saw it. My best friend screamed "Aaaahhhhrrrghhh, you look like my uncle's aunt! You look so old! And you have such a round face!" Every time he looked at me he couldn't help grinning. My ex was stunned. He said I look like a little girl and very weird and that it's very funny. He's also grinning all the time. I'm grinning all the time too. I like it very much. It looks like I have a mop on my head. I've got very thick hair. Now with bangs it really looks like an enormous amount of hair all around my face. And I look chubbier too. It's very funny indeed It was such a good idea. I feel much better now!
__________________ Magical Chest - I'm Generating Hardcore Harmony |
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01-26-2008, 08:16 PM
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| So great to hear, Rose. I was worried you taking the scissors to your hair was a cry for help. Am so glad I was totally wrong and worrying over nothing. Sending you lots of hugs for being a wonderful, spontaneous and fun person to hang out on the web with. You are so cool! |
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01-26-2008, 08:54 PM
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__________________ In order to progress along the monkey bars, you need to let go. - from Flip by Peter Sheahan |
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01-27-2008, 01:44 AM
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 Er, no, sorry, I don't know anything about her, except for her name. Quote:
Yes, I guess you're right, it's time to make a choice. I'm getting older! And yes, it's not easy. Have you come to any conclusion? Like Aspiring said, we can have both: build a home in a steady place and travel around too. However it seems difficult to me to live with dogs and horses, and then just spend a year in Russia... I still want to learn new languages and discover new countries. But I also wanna go home at last. I've never had such a strong desire to go back home. I've just watched a french movie and it resonated with me so much. I'm kinda confused now. Quote:
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I know what you mean, a former roommate of mine is just like you. When she was only studying, she used to procrastinate, be lazy, hang around and got not much done for university. Now she has two jobs plus her studies plus a boyfriend plus thousand other things and she's extremly productive in everything! That's amazing. Unfortunately, that's not my case at all. I'm very bad in dealing with stress and pressure. And I hate it to be accountable to anybody. Both things completely prevent me from being productive. At university, the time I most loved were the holidays, after the lectures were finished. That was the only time I could use to really learn a lot! I was free to study what and how I wanted and was always particularly productive then. During the semester, when I was told what I had to do and had to submit things at fixed dates, I wasn't able to do much. Going to university, attending the lectures and recovering from that was already enough to knock me out. Switching subjects so fast was totally confusing for me. I hate schedules and I hate having several things to do at the same time. Sometimes I was |