Being supportive and staying cheerful?

[jaamkie]

So I'm looking for help in how to be supportive of the guy I'm dating when he's just found out that his dad is sick possibly with something with no treatment... and his family lives over in Europe so he isn't there with them but is instead alone and helpless just worrying about it all. I've been feeling sort of blue recently for a lot of other reasons as well so I'm having a hard time being nice and supportive when I sort of just want to cry myself or act fakely cheerful and ignore it all.

This happened once before where I was dating a guy who's mother got sick and eventually died overseas and he couldn't afford to go home to be with her- and the experience last time was difficult for me and we ended up splitting up months later but due to him shutting down and me feeling neglected ever after his mother died; so I'm thinking a lot of that when I'm talking to this guy now, and I don't want to bring it up to him because that story ended badly all the way around. I don't think I've ever been very good at showing compassion and being supportive the right way- I empathize but just get sad/moody myself or try to hide it and be cheerful when I'm really not; and I feel like I don't know how to say I understand without trivializing how they feel, and I don't know how to say it'll be ok when maybe it won't be, and I don't know how to distract them without feeling fake and even sadder for trying to ignore it.

So does anyone have advice for me on how to be supportive and nice and to not bring a past similar negative experience into my current relationship?

[jaamkie]

hey... wanting to reply to others' posts but am way too drunk to say anything coherant... so am posting stupid reply to my own thread... I shouldn't be drunk now? (watched Earthlings... requires some drinks even as a longtime vegan)

[Dan.Linehan]

It sounds like you know what to do: be supportive and nice and don't bring up your past negative experience.

[NotesMaeve]

Oooh. Slamhot and I both have issues and we're very supportive of each other. Easiest way? Remind yourself you love the person and ask how you can make the person feel loved. Read 'em. And ask 'em!

"Can I just sit here and be with you?" does handsomely.

[jaamkie]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

It sounds like you know what to do: be supportive and nice and don't bring up your past negative experience.

yes I realize that's what I need to do; the question is how?!?

I'm not good at social stuff or emotions... I feel like me trying to be supportive ends up either feeling like I'm being bossy/intrusive or like I'm muttering vague "it'll be ok" when I'm not at all sure it will be or like I'm just silently listening and feeling bad about it too and can't say anything except "well that sucks"; and I feel like I don't know how to be cheerful and a distraction when the person is done talking about it without feeling fake and foolish... like I'd very willingly try to prance around in lingere or go out dancing or have total geeky conversations about work or pout about animal rights or tell long random stories or whatever as a distraction but somehow it all sort of seems disrespectful? And especially talking about the other things I worry about in abstract- violence and war, world poverty, animal rights, US economy and healthcare, corruption in politics... I don't know that it would at all help to start talking about them and making myself sad for unrelated reasons. So instead I get unnecessarily drunk because I just feel bad about it and don't know what else to do; and that certainly isn't helping anything

I feel like despite my last bad experience I'm not sure that I really learned anything from it- I just learned that I get tired of being someone's person even as I can't really blame them for being moody and needy and then distant; that when someone around me is miserable I just get equally miserable myself out of sympathy or whatever and then I don't really function... though I should remind myself that last time I had mono so didn't have my usual energy to deal with things and maybe that wasn't helping with my mood either...

also have another more distant friend who's mom just died- I had to be out of town for work and couldn't go to the funeral, and I want to say something to him but don't know what... I'll miss her a lot too- she gave me my first tiara (ok I am a very spoiled little girl)- and I feel bad that I didn't spend more time with her before she died- I knew it was coming, but was lazy about making the time and effort to go see her.

[ken nubo]

Hi jaamkie,

Just talk about positive things and don't lament about the past.

Hope everything goes well ought =)